June 15, 2005
THE EVOLUTION OF KATIE COURIC
Katie Couric is that rare combination of malign perkiness & breathless gravity, a hard trick to pull off, which is why she has a $60M contract. It also makes it hard to talk & breathe at the same time; try it. It's clear, however, that human evolution has been inexorably evolving towards the Uber Katie, & now She's here. Adapt or die.
Perky & Profound family trees:
|
|
|
|  Shirley Temple. Odious sugar-frosted blondette foisted on America already suffering from Great Depression. Audience members had seizures during Good Ship Lollipop. Thankfully lost lead in Wizard of Oz to then-unknown Judy Garland.
|
| Oracle of Delphi. Original low-tech anchorwoman. Priestess who delivered wisdom & profundities, possibly with chemical inspiration. Would say anything for right price. (Unable to find photo of Delphic oracle, so used psychic Dionne Warwick) |
|
|
| Doris Day. Icon of Blonde Fascism of Fifties. (See also Debbie Reynolds.) Oddly had no chemistry with frequent screen pal Rock Hudson. Saccharine theme song Que Sera Sera is actually from dark Hitchcock thriller The Man Who Knew Too Much |
| Orson Welles. Portentous-voiced thespian whose breathless intonation convinced Americans they were under attack by Martians. In later life, retained water. Welles: "I don't want any description of me to be accurate; I want it to be flattering." |
|
|
| Gidget. Perky teen go-girl/surfer wannabe played on film by Couric prototype Sandra Dee, & on TV by Sally Field. Real-life Gidget was Kathy Zuckerman, who surfed Malibu in 50s. Diary entry June 30, 1958: "God was it ever stupid to see Sandra Dee play my role. All the actors looked like complete faggots." |
|  Veronica Lodge from Archie. Spoiled rich girl not above submarining blonde rival Betty to get what she wants. BFFs: Midge & Ethel. Uber-bitch Shannen Doherty up for Veronica role in never-made Archie movie.
|
|
|
| Flipper. Perky, irrepressible star of 1960s TV show. Communicated by annoying squeaks like falsetto Morse Code. Annoying theme song available here. |
|  Saruman. Sinister blonde wizard from LOTR. Saruman's chief power lay in his voice, which could sound sweet as honey & force others to his will. Destroyed by lust for power.
|
|
|
| Hello Kitty: Insufferably cute Japanese marketing coup. 5 apples high. Bakes cookies. Shits gumdrops. See Hello Kitty Psychological Test. Instructions for Pink Hello Kitty Laptop. |
| Barbara Walters. Humorless, titanium-coiffed, phonetically challenged Couric prototype known for passing off fawning celebrity puff-pieces as journalism. |
|
|
| Mary Tyler Moore. Quintessential America's sweetheart in Seventies. Effusive chirpiness alternated with grating whine. Responsible for foisting pontificating celebrity liberal Ed Asner on nation. |
|  Jane Curtain. Terminally serious SNL news anchor whose intense delivery belied repressed psychosexual neuroses. Occasionally cracked up & flashed audience: "Try these on for size, Connie Chung!"
|
|
|
| The Go-Gos: Belinda, Jane, Charlotte, Kathy, & Gina. Made "cute, bubbly, & effervescent" term of opprobrium, which is ironic, since Belinda Carlisle started out in hardcore punk band the Germs with Darby Crash |
| HAL. Unctuous, droning computer from Kubrick's 2001 whose smooth voice concealed streak of megalomaniacal viciousness |
|
|
| Katie Price. Much surgically augmented model known as Jordan. No known talents. Shares same name & hair color as Couric, though taller. |
| Faye Dunaway as ruthless TV producer Diana Christensen in Network: "All I want out of life is a 30 share & a 20 rating."
|
|
|
| Ann Martin: LA anchor suspected of being inspiration for Don Henley song: Got the bubble-headed bleached-blonde comes on at 5, She can tell you 'bout the plane crash with a gleam in her eye, It's interesting when people die, We love Dirty Laundry! |
| Dan Rather. Pompous ash-blonde blowhard. Occasionally gets facts wrong. Believes liberal bias is cleverly concealed. Secretly thinks he's Edward R. Murrow. | |
|
|
| |
|
|
Posted by Jeff at 07:06 AM
| Comments (14)
June 09, 2005
Via Thomas
Posted by Jeff at 09:40 PM
| Comments (11)
December 30, 2004
I MARRIED A CRACKER
 Hi there, I used to be Connie Chung. I know you're wondering, What the hell happened to her? Some say it was my abrasive style. Please. You want a chipmunk, try Katie Couric. Then there was my Evening News stint with (cough) Dan Rather. You haven't lived until that patronizing asshat tells you to 'sharpen your skills'.
 But I know where things really went wrong. EXHIBIT A (r.). Me, I could've had a nice Asian boy with perfect SATs & an IQ off the Richter Scale, but NO, I had to marry Jerry Springer. If you think my career's hit the skids, check out Maury, who used to be a semi-respectable anchor.
Now it's My Mom the Skank, Slap My Bitch Up, He or She?, Stop that Ghetto Talk!, Goat Girl, Weave Wars, & I Pimped my Grandma. His prison demographic goes off the chart every time he does Babysitter Paternity Tests. I especially love getting the 411 every time I go to the dry cleaners. Hey Connie, were those exploding tits for real? PISS OFF! Or the grocery store: Hey Connie, can a transsexual really have triplets?? DROP DEAD! Or a swank cocktail party, where I show up with Mr. Shit-Eating Grin & all anybody wants to know is, Hey Connie, How is it when guests crack up & run screaming down some backstage hallway, they alwaysjust the right doors, & there's always a camera waiting when they curl up in a fetal ball in a cupboard?  Personally, I spend a lot of time curled up in a fetal ball in a cupboard. But I want to tell Asian American women everywhere, DON'T LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU! Please, marry a nice Asian computer geek on the Stanford fast track. He might be a nerd, but at least you'll have self-respect. Otherwise, one day you'll wake up & find you're married to Ricki Lake.
Posted by Jeff at 01:55 PM
| Comments (0)
December 22, 2004
THE EVOLUTION OF KATIE COURIC
Katie Couric is that rare combination of malign perkiness & breathless gravity, a hard trick to pull off, which is why she has a $60M contract. It also makes it hard to talk & breathe at the same time; try it. It's clear, however, that human evolution has been inexorably evolving towards the Uber Katie, & now She's here. Adapt or die.
Perky & Profound family trees:
|
|
|
| Shirley Temple. Odious sugar-frosted blondette foisted on America already suffering from Great Depression. Audience members had seizures during Good Ship Lollipop. Thankfully lost lead in Wizard of Oz to then-unknown Judy Garland. |
| Oracle of Delphi. Original low-tech anchorwoman. Priestess who delivered wisdom & profundities, possibly with chemical inspiration. Would say anything for right price. (Unable to find photo of Delphic oracle, so used psychic Dionne Warwick) |
|
|
| Doris Day. Icon of Blonde Fascism of Fifties. (See also Debbie Reynolds.) Oddly had no chemistry with frequent screen pal Rock Hudson. Saccharine theme song Que Sera Sera is actually from dark Hitchcock thriller The Man Who Knew Too Much |
| Orson Welles. Portentous-voiced thespian whose breathless intonation convinced Americans they were under attack by Martians. In later life, retained water. Welles: "I don't want any description of me to be accurate; I want it to be flattering." |
|
|
| Gidget. Perky teen go-girl/surfer wannabe played on film by Couric prototype Sandra Dee, & on TV by Sally Field. Real-life Gidget was Kathy Zuckerman, who surfed Malibu in 50s. Diary entry June 30, 1958: "God was it ever stupid to see Sandra Dee play my role. All the actors looked like complete faggots." |
| Veronica Lodge from Archie. Spoiled rich girl not above submarining blonde rival Betty to get what she wants. BFFs: Midge & Ethel. Uber-bitch Shannen Doherty up for Veronica role in never-made Archie movie. |
|
|
| Flipper. Perky, irrepressible star of 1960s TV show. Communicated by annoying squeaks like falsetto Morse Code. Annoying theme song available here. |
| Saruman. Sinister blonde wizard from LOTR. Saruman's chief power lay in his voice, which could sound sweet as honey & force others to his will. Destroyed by lust for power. |
|
|
| Hello Kitty: Insufferably cute Japanese marketing coup. 5 apples high. Bakes cookies. Shits gumdrops. See Hello Kitty Psychological Test. Instructions for Pink Hello Kitty Laptop. |
| Barbara Walters. Humorless, titanium-coiffed, phonetically challenged Couric prototype known for passing off fawning celebrity puff-pieces as journalism. |
|
|
| Mary Tyler Moore. Quintessential America's sweetheart in Seventies. Effusive chirpiness alternated with grating whine. Responsible for foisting pontificating celebrity liberal Ed Asner on nation. |
| Jane Curtain. Terminally serious SNL news anchor whose intense delivery belied repressed psychosexual neuroses. Occasionally cracked up & flashed audience: "Try these on for size, Connie Chung!" |
|
|
| The Go-Gos: Belinda, Jane, Charlotte, Kathy, & Gina. Made "cute, bubbly, & effervescent" term of opprobrium, which is ironic, since Belinda Carlisle started out in hardcore punk band the Germs with Darby Crash |
| HAL. Unctuous, droning computer from Kubrick's 2001 whose smooth voice concealed streak of megalomaniacal viciousness |
|
|
| Katie Price. Much surgically augmented model known as Jordan. No known talents. Shares same name & hair color as Couric, though taller. |
| Faye Dunaway as ruthless TV producer Diana Christensen in Network: "All I want out of life is a 30 share & a 20 rating."
|
|
|
| Ann Martin: LA anchor suspected of being inspiration for Don Henley song: Got the bubble-headed bleached-blonde comes on at 5, She can tell you 'bout the plane crash with a gleam in her eye, It's interesting when people die, We love Dirty Laundry! |
| Dan Rather. Pompous ash-blonde blowhard. Occasionally gets facts wrong. Believes liberal bias is cleverly concealed. Secretly thinks he's Edward R. Murrow. | |
|
|
| |
|
|
Posted by Jeff at 11:14 AM
| Comments (0)
December 11, 2004
OUTRAGEOUS
"Good morning, I'm Katie Couric. The big story this morning is, OUTRAGE. Ann Curry has the details. Good morning, Ann, what are we outraged about today?"
"Good morning Katie. Today, we're outraged about ARMOR."
"Ah."
"Exactly. Let's go now to Capitol Hill, which is full of outrage."
"Pffflt! Brggght! (Hic!)! Grrrrr!"
"Oh my, he's REALLY outraged. Now let's give Secretary Rumsfeld an opportunity to defend this inexcusable outrage."
"Katie, I want to assure you—"
"Oh, what a load of horseshit! What does he think this is, FOX News?? Outrageous! Before we continue, here's the interactive graphic for our flash Outrage poll:"
"Here's a typical American soldier, chosen entirely at random. Good morning, Private Mustard, what is your reaction to all this?""I'm really outraged at this invet—, this ... I can't read this word.""Excuse me, I just want to jump in with the results of our flash poll. 2 of our 3 responders are shitting their pants. Now let's check with Matt who has a preview of tomorrow's outrage. Good morning, Matt.""Good morning Katie. I don't want to reveal too much, but I can tell you that tomorrow's outrage involves money.""Whoa. I'm already indignant. Please stay tuned for more of Today's coverage of Outraged America. For our special online issue, log onto I'm Outraged to voice your concerns."
Posted by Jeff at 01:06 PM
| Comments (0)
| |