May 05, 2006

FORTY YEARS OF DAYS OF OUR LIVES

Posted by Jeff at 12:01 AM | Comments (4)

May 04, 2006

I ♥ UGLY BETTY

Colombian actress ana maria orozco & her alter-ego, ugly betty

Betty la Fea (Ugly Betty), the hilarious smash-hit Cinderella soap opera that conquered the world a few years ago, is coming to America! ABC is producing an American version of the Colombian sensation, & may embrace the 5-night-a-week telenovela format that's a staple of Latin American TV. About time! America Ferrera (Real Women Have Curves) will play Ugly Betty in the Salma Hayek-produced series.

The original Ugly Betty, played by real-life beauty Ana Maria Orozco, was a lovable, clueless, long-suffering secretary & the opposite of the usual decorative telenovela heroines (typified by glam diva Thalia playing one peasant waif after another): homely, clumsy, unibrow, not even a virgin! Betty was also uncorrupted (in ultra-corrupt Colombia): when she was offered a bribe at work, the network was deluged with calls begging her not to take it.

The show was watched by 80 million fans in Latin America & the US, was dubbed for Russia, China, Israel, & the Philippines, & spawned remakes in India, Russia, Germany, the Netherlands, Mexico, & Greece. In Puerto Rico, Betty defections led the 24-hour protest across from the US base at Vieques to erect a screen to watch it. In Malaysia, civil servants closed shop early. In Ecuador, a session of Congress was suspended to watch it.

Can Ugly Betty: the Movie be far behind?

See also Betty la Feang sequence; Romancing the Globe; Ugly Betty synopsis; Ugly Betty Reveals Truth About Beauty

UPDATE: Gina Gershon throws ugly tantrum on Ugly Betty set, halts production over producers' refusal to let her keep her character's $650 pumps

Posted by Jeff at 12:05 AM | Comments (2)

April 12, 2005

SUSAN LUCCI FINALLY WINS PULITZER

Posted by Jeff at 06:03 PM | Comments (0)

February 05, 2005

Dear Beautiful Atrocities,

How long has Rebecca been wearing that jungle-print blazer on Passions? It seems like WEEKS.

Sick of it

Dear SOI,

At least a MONTH. Will this day never end? I'm starting to think it's a biosuit that provides her with fluids & nutrients. She wore it to Sheridan's ill-fated wedding, where she tried to poison Eve but poisoned Liz by mistake. Then she had to run to the hospital because Gwen stabbed Theresa.

Then she spent a long time outside Gwen's jail cell flirting with the guards, & then she went back to the hospital when Gwen tried to kill herself. Now Gwen's stolen Theresa's baby & the hospital is in lockdown, so I guess she'll still be wearing it next week.

BONUS VIDEO: Gwen stabs Theresa; features Rebecca in tired old jungle print blazer, & Susan Lucci's annoying daughter as Gwen

Posted by Jeff at 09:01 AM | Comments (2)

January 29, 2005

AS THE HIJAB TURNS

EGYPTIAN ACTOR AHMED AL-FISHAWY & HIND EL-HINNAWY

Egypt has been rocked by a real-life soap opera, in which a pious soap star has been hit with a very public paternity suit. Hind el-Hinnawy says she & Ahmed al-Fishawy met on a TV set & had an urfi marriage, an unregistered contract often used as cover for affairs.

In a Sharia court, Hinnawy's testimony would only count for ½ that of Fishawy's. Instead, she's taken him to civil court & asked for a DNA test (he's so far refused). The case is remarkable for Egypt because of Hinnawy's shocking candor, & the fact that Fishawy is a public moralist & follower of Amr Khaled, a charismatic Muslim televangelist. The cast:

Ahmed al-Fishawy. 24yo actor known for public piety. Son of actor Farouq al-Fishawy. Famous for role in soap Amma Nour (Auntie Nour), sitcom Shabab Online (Arab Friends, which he left for religious reasons; first-ever Arab sitcom), & host of Yalla Ya Shabab (Let's Go, Kids), in which he dispensed advice to Muslim youth.

On his faith: "It doesn't mean that I won't play someone who smokes, drinks, steals or does drugs. I can play someone who does all of that as long as the plot shows that those actions will lead to harm."

Hind el-Hinnawy. 27yo costume designer. Daughter of university professors. Says met on set of sitcom Baba Geh (When Daddy Returned). Refused to have abortion. "I am trying to say to other people, not only girls, to try to have the courage to be responsible for what you do. People prefer that a woman live a psychologically troubled life; that doesn't matter as long as it doesn't become a scandal."

Amr Khaled. 36yo 'neofundamentalist' televangelist sensation, popular in elite society. Criticized as Rasputin of Egypt, 'sheikh of chic'. Enemies include both Egyptian govt & militant Islamic groups. Embraced by educated youth as alternative to Saudi Wahabism. Driven from Egypt due to popularity (rumored to have embarrassed unveiled First Lady Suzanne Mubarak when daughter-in-law took up hijab after hearing Khaled's tapes).

Khaled parable: "2 young women head to the mall, but the more religious insists on visiting the mosque first. As they listen to the sermon, the unveiled woman starts to cry, &  asks for a head scarf. Later that day, she is killed by a car. Fortunately, she has renewed her commitment to Islam."

See also Human Rights Watch report on women in Egypt. Farouq al-Fishawy Refuses Role of Homosexual Journalist. From Amr Diab to Amr Khaled. Via Big Pharoah

Posted by Jeff at 11:55 AM | Comments (6)

January 25, 2005

BEAUTIFUL ATROCITIES GUIDE TO LATIN SOAPS

Latin soap stars Barbara Mori, Carlos Ponce, Thalia, Murilo Benicio, & Natalia Oriero

Latin soaps are arguably the most popular entertainment on the planet, captivating audiences of hundreds of millions not just in Latin America, but the US, Russia, China, Eastern Europe, Africa, Indonesia, etc. Unlike American soaps, telenovelas are the Hollywood of Latin America (which has little film industry), the actors superstars. When dubbed & serialized, these luminaries become international sensations (Salma Hayek became a star in 1989's Teresa)

Latin soaps air in primetime, run  for one season, & almost always spawn hit songs. While American soaps don't travel well, there's something archetypal about Latin soaps that audiences all over the world find irresistible, whether it's Mexico's florid sudsers, Brazil's racy melodramas (which feature things like lesbian vampires), or the sophisticated serials of Colombia & Argentina. A brief intro:

SIMPLEMENTE MARIA (Argentina, 1967) Archetypal soap about poor & beautiful seamstress who comes to big city, is ruined by rich pendejo, but takes literacy classes & overcomes obstacles through faith & Singer sewing machines. Starred Irma Roy (r.) who later became powerful Peronista politician. Has been remade 5 times. During Peruvian version 1969, 10,000 people gathered in Lima plaza for Maria's wedding.

Academic study in Peru noted show's effects: "1) sales of Singer sewing machines soared wherever shown; 2) enrollment in adult literacy classes rose; 3) rural-to-urban migration rose." Mexican version 1989 starred Victoria Ruffo (real name Victoria Eugenia Guadalupe Martines del Rio Moreno Fayad), played to huge audience in Russia.

ESCRAVA ISAURA (Isaura the Slave, Brazil 1976) Based on 1875 Bernardo Guimaraes abolitionist novel about white slave, made intl star of Lucilia Santos. Played in 95 countries. Watched by 450 million in China. Santos first foreign actress to win Golden Eagle Prize in China. Video.

LOS RICOS TAMBIEN LLORAN (The Rich Cry Too, Mexico 1979) Veronica Castro starred as Mariana in weepy sudser about maid who falls for rich employer's son, is dumped, goes nuts, loses child, etc. Best Telenovela 1979. In 1992, syndicated to post-Communist Russia where it was a sensation, drawing 100 million viewers. Video trailer featuring Veronica Castro & her great big hair.

Pravda reported warring Georgian & Abkhazian soldiers arranged truce at hours show aired so they could watch. Theme song: Aprendi a llorar. Castro's son is pop star Cristian Castro. Archenemy: Lucia Mendez

TU O NADIE (Mexico, 1985) Diva Lucia Mendez as Raquel, a simple but pneumatic girl who falls in love with a mysterious stranger who's not all he seems to be. Syndicated in China, Cypress, Germany (Ruf de Herzens), Italy (Cuori di Pietra), Lebanon, Malaysia, Romania, Russia (Nikto, krome tebya), Poland, USA (No One But You), Zambia. Hit theme song: Corazaon de Piedra.

BAILA CONMIGO (Mexico, 1992) Mexican Grease set in 1950s, with pop bombshell Paulina Rubio improbably cast as wallflower vying for Rafael Rojas with Bibi Gaytan. Was voted Worst Telenova of 1992

KASSANDRA (Venezuela, 1993) Coraima Torres stars in switched-baby tale of girl raised by Gypsies, only to unknowingly marry step-brother. Guiness Book of World Records for telenovela broadcast in most countries: 128. In Indonesia, govt warned that absenteeism from work for purpose of watching Kassandra unacceptable. Townspeople of Kucevo, Serbia, wrote letter to Venezuelan govt & cc'd Slobodan Milosovic: "We know Kassandra's innocent & we want her trial stopped!

#1 show in Bosnia, yanked off the air in TV power struggle, restored with help of US State Dept, which said "Sometimes one needs to help them fill up the air with what must be perceived a perfectly good soap opera." Photogallery of Coraima Torres' publicity tour to Bulgaria

MARIMAR (Mexico, 1994) Megasuccessful vehicle for pop star Thalia playing improbably gorgeous peasant. Featured talking dog. Most successful of Thalia's soaps. Others: Maria Mercedes (1992), Maria la del Barrio (1995), Rosalinda (1998), all of which spawned hit songs.

MariMar intl hit: "During Ramadan some of the mosques in Abidjan decided to bring forward prayer time. When Marimar comes on, everything stops in Côte d’Ivoire." Thalia received in Manila by President like foreign head of state.

In 2000, Thalia married Sony Records honcho Tommy Mottola in $350,000 wedding dress with 52ft train. Crossover CD tanked. Archenemy: Paulina Rubio. (Teens Thalia, Paulina Rubio, & Bibi Gaytan in Menudo-like group Timberiche, which ended in wild onstage catfight. This year, Paulina outraged Thalia by crashing her Greatest Hits CD party.)

DOS MUJERES, UN CAMINO (2 Women, 1 Path, Mexico, 1994) Aka the soap Erik Estrada had to learn Spanish for. #1 rated megatrashy melodrama with Estrada torn between Bibi Gaytan & drag idol Laura Leon aka the Mexican Cher. Cameo by Tex-Mex singer Selena, later slain by demented fan. Kitschy theme song is staple in gay Latin discos. Video: Laura Leaon in latex dress. Laura Leon also starred in equally trashy El Premio Mayor (voted Worst Telenovela 1996)

CAFE CON AROMA DE MUJER (Colombia, 1994) Guy Ecker (born in Brazil to American parents) & Margarita Rosa de Francisco starred in story set in coffee plantations of Colombia, featuring vallenato music (popularized by pop star/soap hunk Carlos Vives). Most successful soap in Columbian history.

NADA PERSONAL (Mexico, 1996) Ana Colchero & Jose Angel Llamas starred in hit soap that brought new realism to telenovelas, dealing with drug trafficking, police corruption, & Mexico's soaring crime rate.

BETTY LA FEA (Ugly Betty, Colombia 2000) Ana Maria Orozco starred in hilarious, smash-hit soap about accident-prone, dowdy secretary who outsmarts her bosses. Opposite of usual light-skinned blonde novela bimbos. When Betty was offered a bribe, network deluged with calls & newspaper columnist begged Betty 'not to be swallowed by corruption'.

In Ecuador, Congress suspended late-night debate to watch. Watched by over 80 million in US & Latin America. Spawned comic strip, doll, & cartoon series. ng theme, Yo Soy Betty, La Fea. Sequel tanked.

O CLONE (The Clone, Brazil, 2001) Love story about Brazilian youth & Muslim girl, filmed partly in Morocco, dealt with polygamy, arranged marriages, & drug addiction. Ministry of Health acknowledged O Clon did more for prevention & treatment of drug dependency than government campaigns. Screenwriters inserted testimony from real-life drug addicts between scenes. Stars Giovanna Antonelli & Murilo Benicio (in 3 roles). First Brazilian soap shown in US with English subtitles.

RUBI (Mexico, 2004) Remake of 1968 serial, distinguished by the fact that heroine is rapacious BITCH who will stop at nothing. Stars Uruguayan / Japanese bombshell Barbara Mori.  See also Soaps with a Latin Scent ; Telenovelas in Latin America ; Love, Tears, Betrayal, & Health Messages

Posted by Jeff at 11:45 AM | Comments (54)

December 03, 2004

WHY I LOVE KELLI MCCARTY

Kelli plays over-the-top psychobabe whack-job Beth on Passions, the soap best known for featuring Juliet Mills as witch Tabitha (who just had a demon child, named Endora).

Kelli facts: Born in Liberal, Kansas, which sounds like an oxymoron. Miss USA 1991. Birthday Sept 6. Favorite singer: Maxwell. Most embarrassing moment: "I was in a bathroom stall & a lady followed me in & stuck a headshot under the stall asking for my autograph."

When Kelli first came on Passions, Beth managed the Book Cafe & had nothing to do but pour coffee & be hunky Luis' ex-fiancee & high school sweetheart.

HOWEVER - Sheridan, Luis' annoying soulmate, turned mild mannered Beth into a raving psycho. Sheridan does that to people. She's such a victim, you want to slap her into next week. Passion's only been on about 4 years, but already Sheridan's had amnesia about 8 times & had innumerable near-death experiences, including being buried alive, thrown in a pit, & swept overboard.

Mrs. Wallace, Beth's crazy incontinent mother, pushes a walker & never misses an opportunity to tell Beth what a loser she is. When her old nurse blabbed Beth's secrets, Beth hired orangutan Precious as mother's caretaker (which was protested by humorless Center for Nursing Advocacy as well as world renowned primate expert Jane Goodall)

Tried to smother mother, went after her with an axe

Burned down Sheridan's cottage with Sheridan in it

Ran over spoiled brat Gwen (played by Susan Lucci's daughter) who was on to her

Teamed up with blonde-hating psycho lesbo Charlie by pretending to return Charlie's affections. Kidnapped Sheridan disguised as clowns. Threw her in pit, stole Sheridan's baby & passed it off as Beth's.

WE NEED MORE CRAZED HOMOS ON TV! Thanks to the commissars at GLAAD, who believe the sole purpose for entertainment is to 'provide good role models' (barf), the only acceptable roles for gays are as the Victim or the Best Friend. What a load of crap! Homos can be asshats & psychopaths too!

Performed hilarious Chicago-parody song number I Ain't Sorry (clip here) with accomplices Mrs. Wallace, Charlie the lesbo, & Precious the orangutan

Beth's proposal to Luis
Luis' proposal to Beth
Passions transcripts available here
Hilarious PETA petition: Help Get Precious Out of Passions!

Posted by Jeff at 08:01 AM | Comments (0)

November 19, 2004

RED SOAP, BLUE SOAP

As part of my research project titled "Michel Foucault, Cultural Suzerainty, & Transgressive Power Structures Among Daytime Serial Performers", here is my examination of the political significance of the cast of a soap opera chosen entirely at random, Days of Our Lives

ACTOR		SOCIOPOLITICAL SIGNIFICANCE
John Aniston. Plays former porn mogul Victor Kiriakis, who's been paralyzed, had 2 strokes, & killed by 2 wives, but still kicking		Former Naval Intelligence officer. Appeared on liberal fantasy The West Wing. Responsible for daughter, limousine liberal Jennifer "Bush is a f*cking idiot" Aniston
Eric Winter. Plays genetically engineered human Rex DiMera, originally teen alien who fell from meteor.		Spent Xmas holidays with troops in Iraq & Afghanistan: "Just the worst things you can imagine have happened to some of these (Afghan) kids. The U.S. doctors & soldiers care so much about them. It was amazing. They wanted to adopt them & take them home. It was really nice to see what we do to really try to protect the Afghan people."
Kyle Brandt. Plays Philip Kiriakis, son of Victor Kiriakis & Kate Roberts (birth mother Vivian Alamain, who stole fertilized embryo & had it implanted in her womb)		Spent Xmas holidays with troops in Iraq & Afghanistan: "In Afghanistan, I met people who literally spend two-week pilgrimages going into the mountains to look for bin Laden. Unfortunately, the morale was lower there. The people there were still very, very nice. I think people should know that about Afghanistan." Played football for Princeton
Kirsten Storms. Played Belle Black		Evangelical Christian. Real-life brother Austin parachuted into Iraq March 27, 2003
Alison Sweeney. Plays bitch-troll from Hell Sami Brady, who was almost executed in gas chamber but unfortunately rescued. Fell off penthouse roof but landed on Marlena.		Spent Xmas holidays with troops in Iraq & Afghanistan, but I still hate her. Mitigating factor from her blog: "There is nothing I disagree with more than celebrities who use their fame to persuade their fans to vote for their candidate."
Austin Peck. Played Austin Reed.		Former boxer. Christian Republican. Unceremoniously fired
Bryan Dattilo. Plays Lucas Roberts.		Evangelical Christian. Met Hillary Clinton. Starred in Gaydar. Implausibly claims to be plagued by comparisons to Tom Cruise
Deidre Hall. Plays Dr. Marlena Evans. Has been kidnapped innumerable times, murdered half the cast, & possessed by Satan (see the Days of our Lives Drinking Game)		Stumped for Kerry, says "passionate about healthcare," even tho only a doctor on TV. "I can't wait to have more of the real thing -- & Kerry is the real thing!" Signed Letter to NRA from Handgun Control.
Melissa Reeves. Plays Jennifer Horton, who was almost killed by the Lady in White		Evangelical Christian along with husband Scott Reeves (formerly Ryan McNeil on Young & the Restless)
Bill Hayes. Plays impresario Doug Williams, who was viciously murdered last year but is thankfully still alive		#1 Song 1955 Ballad of Davy Crockett. Credits: 9 Dead Gay Guys, Wrestling with God. Married 30+ years to costar Susan Seaforth Hayes (child actress who at 12 toured with Billie Burke in Mother Was a Bachelor)
Drake Hogestyn. Plays John Black, whose history is so convoluted no one has any idea who the hell he is		Eats organic. Holds degree in microbiology, drafted by Yankees in 70s.
Peter Reckell. Plays cop Bo Brady, torn between implausibly glam cops Hope Brady & Billie Reed		Anti-handgun tho carries one on show. Building 'environmentally friendly home,' practices yoga. Favorite show: The West Wing
Suzanne Rogers. Has played Maggie Horton since 1973. Murdered last year but fine now		Evangelical Christian. Former Radio City Music Hall Rockette. Career did not take off till she changed last name from Crumpler
Arianne Zuker. Plays venomous golddigger Nicole Walker, who murdered Colin Murphy, who recently came back from the dead		Spending Thanksgiving at Guantanamo Bay to cheer up US Marines (just showing up should do the job)
Frances Reid: Grandma Horton. Famous for delicious, sometimes deadly, donuts		Former president of Actors Union local, raised in Berkeley. Starred in The Patriots on Broadway in 1943 (with Hope Lange)
Lauren Koslow. Plays slithery vamp Kate Roberts, sworn enemy of Sami Brady		(Couldn't find anything good but she's the bomb );p)

Posted by Jeff at 01:42 AM | Comments (1)