May 26, 2006

SORRY

Due to circumstances beyond our control, there is no Charlotte Church item today. Will Star Jones do? After all, she's an official AOL Love Coach.

Posted by Jeff at 05:03 AM | Comments (4)

ANGELINA JOLIE, EMPRESS OF NAMIBIA

Posted by Jeff at 05:02 AM | Comments (3)

May 15, 2006

FALLING POP STARS AHEAD

If you're going to England, I wouldn't drive if I were you. Not only is Charlotte Church hotrodding around without a license, George Michael is passed out at the wheel again.

Posted by Jeff at 07:17 AM | Comments (5)

May 12, 2006

"I DON'T WANNA BE A STUPID GIRL..."

Posted by Jeff at 07:11 AM | Comments (1)

YOU'LL NEVER GET AWAY WITH IT!

Dear Jessica Simpson,

Have you noticed that Ashlee's totally copying you lately? And that she even had a nose job to defuglify herself?. Clearly, the bitch is planning on locking you in a secret room & assuming your identity! This happens more often than you'd think.

It's happened to Marlena on Days of Our Lives countless times, to say nothing of the time Susan impersonated Kristen before Kristen impersonated Susan.  It happened to Natalie on All My Children. And on Guiding Light, Reva's clone impersonated Reva before aging rapidly like Barbara Eden & vaporizing.

I myself have been lucky in that so far no one has locked me in a secret room & assumed my identity, although I wouldn't put it past some people. I'm not sure why Ashlee would want to assume your identity, seeing as your 'career' is on the skids & your 'marriage' tanked & everyone thinks you're a 'cheap skank'. But then again, I don't think Ashlee is right in the head.

Your friend,
Jeff

Update! Ashlee/Lindsay/Lachey payola scandal!

Posted by Jeff at 12:34 AM | Comments (6)

May 07, 2006

DAMN, THIS SHIT'S HARDER THAN IT LOOKS!

step. chew. step. — oh shit, lemme start over

As part of her ongoing Britneyfication, waif rocker / antiwar chick / role model to the pre-curse set Avril Lavigne learns to walk & chew gum at the same time.

Posted by Jeff at 07:00 AM | Comments (5)

May 06, 2006

DITA VON TEESE'S E-Z GUIDE TO SEDUCING A PHREAK

Posted by Jeff at 10:49 AM | Comments (2)

May 05, 2006

OH NO SHE DIDN'T

"Meredith? It's Lourdes. Oh. My. God. You won't believe this latest shit. Why doesn't she just stab me in the throat with her goddamn riding crop & get it over with? I am so running away to Antarctica, just as soon as I finish downloading The O.C. onto my Ipod..."

Posted by Jeff at 07:57 AM | Comments (7)

THE TERRIBLE BEAUTY OF BRANGELINA

Posted by Jeff at 12:04 AM | Comments (1)

May 04, 2006

I CAN'T STAND IT

Billie Piper, the pop singer who plays Dr. Who's assistant Rose Tyler (aka the Bad Wolf), has inked a six figure deal to write her autobiography . She's 23. "It may sound ridiculous, but I've a few good stories I'd like to share. I'm hoping the book will be honest, funny, insightful &, above all, life-affirming."  Oh piss off.

Meanwhile, 19yo Olympic boxing medalist Amir Khan has pocketed half a million to relate his long & winding road, 20yo Manchester United rookie Wayne Rooney got a five million pound advance for his collected experience,  19yo cranky bitch Charlotte Church took six figures for the second volume of her memoirs, & battling bimbos Jordan & Jodie Marsh  (both 28) have both published the second volumes of their unfolding sagas.

Posted by Jeff at 12:03 AM | Comments (2)

May 03, 2006

CELESTIAL DICTATION WITH MISS MELANIE GRIFFITH

Posted by Jeff at 12:03 AM | Comments (13)

May 01, 2006

CONFESSIONS OF A FUGLY STEP-SKANK

In fact, Cinderella's heinous lesbo step-skanks, Lohag & Ash-hag, had low-rent fairy godmothers of their own, who gave the cheap sluts ghetto-girl makeovers for the Prince's rave. Upon arriving at the scene, the trashy twosome's spending money immediately went up their noses, & they proceeded to make asses of themselves, behaving like common street whores & trying to lure the Prince into a 3-way—

—which the Prince saw as a free pass to genital warts & a lifetime prescription for Valtrex, & instead pursued the lovely & hygenic Cinderella. After her timely midnight escape, however, the now drunken Prince had some serious blue balls that weren't relieved by dry-humping her shoe, & so he went in search of the sleaze sisters—

—who were so strung out they forgot their own makeovers had a time-limit also, & no sooner had all three squeezed into a bathroom stall than the two slags morphed back into fugly ho-bags. The Prince had them thrown into the gutter, where, having snurfled up their taxi money & now seriously crashing, the demolished dykes staggered home on foot, as per usual...

Posted by Jeff at 12:52 AM | Comments (9)

April 28, 2006

"HAW HAW HAW! OH ROSIE, I WAS JUST TELLING MY HUSBAND AL HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU FAT GIRLS!"

To fill the fat-chick job vacancy created by Star Jones' gastric bypass, The View has hired (gulp) Rosie O'Donnell. Rosie's qualifications are that she weighs 300 pounds & is completely crazy. Star Jones, whom Rosie issued a fat fatwa on earlier this year, could not be reached for comment, but it was doubtless unprintable. Picture of the happy fivesome here.

See also Mr. Star Jones Runs Off With Mrs. Rosie O'Donnell

Posted by Jeff at 06:51 AM | Comments (3)

April 27, 2006

VAMPIRES ARE GAY

sharon tate in polanski's fearless vampire killers

Anne Rice's Interview With a Vampire was published in 1976, the year ABBA released Dancing Queen. The novel developed a cult following among gays, who identified with its homoerotic humidity & netherworld of outcasts. Rice followed with Cry to Heaven, about gay opera singers, before writing a sequel featuring Lestat & his gay boyfriend.

Rice also wrote Exit to Eden, made into a terrifying movie with gay crank Rosie O'Donnell in a codpiece & bondage gear. Interview was made into a movie by gay producer David Geffen with gay-blonde Tom Cruise as a lame Lestat. Now fat gay housefrau Elton John has taken the whole mess to its logical conclusion & turned it into a gay Broadway musical which one reviewer called Claudia Has Two Daddies.

The show was panned, although Star Jones (married to gay man Al Reynolds) called it tragically sexy. Anne Rice, who like Jones recently had gastric bypass surgery, now lives near gay hotspot Palm Springs, a favorite haunt of her gay son: "Christopher visits Palm Springs a lot. He loves people & he loves to be involved in whatever is going on."

Posted by Jeff at 12:38 AM | Comments (15)

April 26, 2006

LIFE WITH BRAD & WHATSIT

See also I Wonder Who Jenny's Doing Now

Posted by Jeff at 05:57 AM | Comments (5)

April 25, 2006

ALI SALEEM: THE RUPAUL OF PAKISTAN

Posted by Jeff at 06:31 AM | Comments (0)

April 18, 2006

POOR KID NEVER HAD A CHANCE

Posted by Jeff at 06:47 AM | Comments (3)

April 12, 2006

HOT VIDEO: MAKEUP TIPS FROM TAMMY FAYE

Posted by Jeff at 06:44 AM | Comments (1)

April 10, 2006

LIAR LIAR

Rosie O'Donnell picks a fight with flyweight uberbitch Naomi Campbell:

"I just picture this cute little Mexican woman saying, Excuse me Miss Campbell can I possibly get you...  & Naomi going, Get away from me, bam bam bam! To make matters worse she had that jewel-encrusted cell phone. That's got to score with the diamonds. She looks like you could snap her in two but she's a tough-ass, kick-ass woman. I would actually like to fight her. I think for all the people that she's beaten up, I think she needs a big 200 pound lesbian to kick her ass."

Please. This broad hasn't seen 200 in years.

Posted by Jeff at 06:41 AM | Comments (5)

April 05, 2006

BEAUTIFUL ATROCITIES HOT SITE OF THE DAY

Everything - & I mean everything - you never wanted to know about Star Jones & Al Whozzit can be found at Star&Al.com:

Al: "Everything about our relationship has been steeped in romance. On our first date, I presented Star with a CD of songs all with star in the title. Star planned a romantic surprise trip to Paris for the weekend & I covered Star's living room floor with a trail of roses that began in the shape of a heart."

Star: "Al likes to surprise me & take me dancing to little out of the way clubs as well as huge over-the-top nightclubs. As long as I'm dancing in his arms, we could be on a deserted island."

Posted by Jeff at 12:04 AM | Comments (3)

March 31, 2006

SCIENTOLOGY 101: THOU SHALT NOT WEAR UNDERWEAR

Posted by Jeff at 10:45 AM | Comments (2)

MR. STAR JONES RUNS OFF WITH MRS. ROSIE O'DONNELL

Star Jones hubby, Big Gay Al, has dumped her ass & run off with Kelli Carpenter, aka Mrs. Rosie O'Donnell. Al: "Living with a loudmouth drag queen gets tired. Next time I feel the itch, I'll just bone RuPaul." He said he & Kelli bonded over their shared ordeal of sponging off a big fat pain in the ass.

Rumors of trouble in the O'Donnell 'marriage' have percolated for some time. Last year, Rosie became the poster blimp for the anti-gay-parenting movement when she shocked The View by declaring she forced Kelli to stop breastfeeding baby Vivienne after only ONE MONTH because she, Rosie, was jealous:

"It was like she was the only one getting to bond. So I was like, the nursing is over! I cut her off. I’m like, you’ve had your limit honey. No more!"

Apparently Rosie forgot that in 2003, she'd angrily denied a report that Kelli had walked out on her with FOUR MONTH OLD baby Vivienne by using the breastfeeding excuse: "The lady [Kelli] left to visit relatives & took the baby because she's breastfeeding."

In the end, Kelli said it wasn't Rosie's temper tantrums, morbid obesity, or constant demand for oral that convinced her to leave. Kelli: "It was the poetry. So. Fucking. Weak."

VIDEO: Crazy Rosie on The View

See also Rosie's unforgettable performance as a retard in clip from godawful TV movie (H / t Utron)

Posted by Jeff at 01:14 AM | Comments (9)

OH WHAT A TANGLED MESS

Elizabeth Hurley dumped Hugh Grant over his thing for common street whores. She's now shagging Indian millionaire Arun Nayar & said to be adopting his Hindu beliefs. Nayar's first wife, Italian model Valentina Pedroni, says cheap slut Liz stole Nayar away from her. Hurley spoke about her love for Nayar on a humanitarian visit to India's archenemy Pakistan, at the invitation of old friend cricket star / anti-Semite / Muslim politico Imran Khan. Khan's ex-wife is British socialite Jemima Goldsmith, who converted to Islam, says Jews control the world, & is now shagging: Hugh Grant.

No word on her thoughts about his thing for common street whores.

Posted by Jeff at 12:11 AM | Comments (2)

March 28, 2006

STAR JONES CALLS JOY BEHAR A BITCH

Posted by Jeff at 10:42 AM | Comments (5)

March 27, 2006

DEAR MIRA SORVINO...

...I see you've been brainwashed by the neurotic post-hippie hysteria that pregnant heifers should avoid any & all chemicals, additives, basic grooming, & artificial anything. While it may be good to cut back on the Marlboros, especially in the first whatchamacallit, the notion that touching up your roots is going to turn your child into a salamander is ridiculous. A little peroxide never hurt anyone.

FYI my mom was a two-pack-a-day titanium blonde, & aside from the usual mental instability, tics, teeth grinding, & 51-50s, I'm fine.

There's also no truth to the rumor that cosmetics can harm your delightful fetus, & you should feel free to slap on mascara, eye shadow, blush, concealer, zit cream, eyeliner, actual lipstick, whatever you feel makes life easier for those around you hint hint.

Also, plucking your eyebrows is of NO DANGER to any future little Sorvinos.  I'm not even going to address the inadvisability of wearing spaghetti straps over a not-quite-invisible maternity bra to shore up your massive pregnancy-swollen gazongas. Oh. No.

Posted by Jeff at 05:34 PM | Comments (11)

SIX DEGREES OF IRRITATION

"Call me insane, but did it sorta look like those buildings came down in a controlled demolition?" Charlie Sheen on 9/11

"Every time I cross this border I feel like I've left the land of lunatics." Martin Sheen in Canada

"Culturally, we all unraveled after that tragic night on June 5. And now, 37 years later, our country has reached critical mass once again." Sheen son Emilio Estevez on new film about Bobby Kennedy's assassination

"Simon said he always refers to a fortune cookie & says the moth who finds the melon - (laughter) - finds the corn flake always finds the melon & one of you didn’t pick the right fortune." Paula Abdul, Emilio's ex

"I've dated some women who have turned me on to some funny things that are strange for men to actually do." Ryan Seacrest (Abdul's Idol costar)

"Bush & this administration are the worst thing that has ever happened to America." Elton John (Idol guest host who said show was racist)

"I'm going to Target!" Fantasia, on winning racist Idol

"George Bush doesn't care about black people." Kanye West (who Fantasiad for on tour)

"It's Evil actually. Dr. Evil." Mike Myers (who was mortified by co-presenter Kanye West's public phreakout on Hurricane Relief Benefit)

"I've always thought Marilyn Monroe looked fabulous, but I'd kill myself if I was that fat." Elizabeth Hurley (costar of Myers' Austin Powers)

"I've always wanted to sleep with a black woman. That's my fantasy." Famousng line by Hurley ex- Hugh Grant

"The Israeli lobby in the US is rich & influential. The media are largely controlled by the Jews, as is Hollywood." British socialite & current Hugh Grant squeeze Jemima Khan

"We need people like Hamza Yusuf, enlightened people who can speak with the same expression & language of the West." Jemima Khan's ex-husband, cricket star turned Muslim politico Imran Khan

"Portraying the Taliban as evil is very stupid. They are by-products of the Cold War. They're as much victims as the Twin Tower victims." Moderate Muslim Hamza Yusef

See also Aluminum Foil Deflector Beanie

Posted by Jeff at 12:54 AM | Comments (16)

March 25, 2006

NO THANKS, I'LL JUST GO SIT WITH THE CAMELS...

DJ Whoo Kid was working the Bahrain circuit & ran into nutcase / pariah Michael Jackson, who expressed interest in working on a new CD with (gulp) 50 Cent & Kanye West (that's definitely gonna happen). Seems Wacko Jacko is about as popular in the Gulf as a left-handed Jew with a BLT:

"Apparently people were giving Jackson too much space at dinner — there was an empty seat next to him, which other guests were evidently too intimidated [phreaked? horrified? creeped out?] to fill."

Whoo Kid: "I'm like Fucking Michael Jackson is here! I gave him respect for all the shit he did, but in my head I was going crazy. He said, I'm just chillin — he actually said chillin'! Fucked my head up, so I walked away. Everybody gave him his respectful space."  I GUESS!

Posted by Jeff at 08:23 AM | Comments (5)

March 09, 2006

THE ROSIE O CAPTION CONTEST

1) Rosie demonstrates how to perform Heimlich maneuver after too-enthusiastic muff-yodeling, in Rosie O's Lesbian Sex World video

2) Get off me, you fat cow!

3) Last known photo of victim before Lesbian Bed Death (h / t john s)

Posted by Jeff at 09:51 AM | Comments (28)

March 08, 2006

A PHOTOGRAPHIC HISTORY OF MICHAEL JACKSON'S FACE

Posted by Jeff at 05:14 AM | Comments (5)

March 02, 2006

FAMOUS. LAST. WORDS.

"This girl is multi-talented. I can't fail with her." — Marketing vampire Robert Thorne, who made the Olsen twins whatever it is they are today, on his plans to build an international marketing empire around "singer," "actress," "fashion designer" Hilary Duff

See also the Hilary Duff / Jenna Bush connection; We Hate Hilary Duff; How Much Do You Hate Hilary Duff?; Stuff by Duff: Hilary's Kmart Line of Fine Apparel

Posted by Jeff at 07:02 AM | Comments (0)

February 23, 2006

HONEY, I'M GOING OUT WITH THE BOIS — I MEAN THE BOYS...

Posted by Jeff at 08:20 AM | Comments (7)

February 01, 2006

ETHEL ROSENBERG VS. ETHEL MERTZ

Modern-day Gorky / Israel-hater Tony Kushner is still flogging the corpse of Ethel Rosenberg. Give it up, girl! The traitorous totalitarian, who makes a camp classic appearance in Kushner's overrated butt-numbing AIDS-a-thon Angels in America, was long hailed as a mother-figure / martyr by the Left.

Sadly, the end of the Cold War brought a flood of declassified intelligence that confirmed Ethel was just another vile Stalinophile, a cold fish so loyal to Lenin's murderous ideology she refused to confess even for the sake of her children. We thought it would be fun to compare & contrast her with another much-loved 1950s icon, Ethel Mertz:

8 X 10 glossy
Maiden name		Ethel Greenglass		Ethel Mae Potter
Main Squeeze		Julius Rosenberg, electrical engineer (heh) / Soviet agent / non-traditional patriot (Orwellian synonym for 'treason' coined by apologist Ellen Schrecker)		Fred Mertz, landlord / shiftless bum
Show biz past		Aspiring actress & singer		Former vaudeville hoofer
Progeny		Two. When Ethel's mother implored her to testify for the sake of her children, reportedly said "Don't mention the children. Children are born every day in the week."		Godmother to Little Ricky
Fan club		Adored by entire Nation editorial staff		Adored by millions the world over
Social clubs		Young Communist League, KGB		Wednesday Afternoon Fine Arts League
Cuban connection		Castro's Rosenberg Memorial in Havana		Desi Arnaz
Recognition		Memoirs of Nikita Khrushchev, which praise Rosenbergs' "very significant help in accelerating the production of our atomic bomb" & report Stalin "mentioned the Rosenbergs with warmth."		Vivian Vance, Emmy, Best Supporting Actress 1953
Profit-making venture		Selling nuclear secrets to Uncle Joe, whom she presumably adored for murdering 20 million anti-socialist elements.		Buying Hansen's dress shop with Lucy
Famous Oppenheimer		Robert, father of atomic bomb		Jess, I Love Lucy producer
Unsuccessful venture		Taking the Fifth		Candy factory clerk (Video here)
Enemy		Roy Cohn		William Frawley
Posthumous fame		Declassified VENONA cables		The Other Side of Ethel Mertz

See also The Trouble with Angels

Posted by Jeff at 12:53 AM | Comments (24)

January 09, 2006

PETITION: GET RID OFF [SIC] EMMA WATSON FROM HARRY POTTER!

Sample signer:

"Emma is an extremely untalented & ugly actress. Once Harry Potter has finished she will be washed up. By the age of 20 she will be a former child star appearing on Celebrity Big Brother. Major child stars almost always end up as pathetic washed up druggies. Pity this ugly little girl. She will probably have plastic surgery by the time she turns 16. She is stupid, talentless & bitchy & many people hate her. I think she's a little whore. I know that she sleeps around because I know more than one person who she has slept with. But I'm not going to let this hatred take over my life. I'm too good for that. My life is too precious. My advice to you: sit back, relax, and watch Emma Watson go down."

Posted by Jeff at 06:33 AM | Comments (17)

January 07, 2006

BABY, SOME THINGS ARE JUST MEANT TO BE KEPT PRIVATE

From Shine: A Physical, Emotional & Spiritual Journey to Finding Love by Star Jones Reynolds:

We celebrate our love every waking moment. When I'm all dressed up, Al will say to me in the sexiest voice, "Let 'em have it, Ms. Jones."

"Baby, you are the Man," I answer.

"Thank you, baby," he says.

And I'll say, "Babe, did you make any money today?"

And he'll say, "Yeah, I think I might have made a little bit of money."

And I say, "Did you go buy your wife something? Because your wife likes pretty things."

And he'll say, "I know my wife likes pretty things. Didn't I give you that big old diamond ring?"

And I'll say, "Ooh, that was last year." [Baby]

Bonus points: "The first time he held me in his arms sexually, it was almost frightening because we knew our erotic interest in each other could take over every other thing."

Posted by Jeff at 11:29 AM | Comments (10)

January 05, 2006

COMPLETE 2005 GUIDE TO DIVINE RETRIBUTION

Posted by Jeff at 05:42 AM | Comments (2)

December 28, 2005

HE'S LUCKY IT WASN'T TERI HATCHER

"He's not possessive or jealous or looking for reasons to argue. He's laid-back ... he's a perfect gentleman."— Desperate Housewife Eva Longoria on Spurs squeeze Tony Parker

"I ordered AP [Arrested Person, ie, Tony Parker] to move his vehicle. AP & his passenger FC [Field Contact, ie, Eva Longoria] began screaming in a verbally abusive & demeaning manner. AP continued questioning why I would touch the vehicle. FC told me I had an ego problem. I told FC I had no intentions of getting into a shouting match with her. She responded 'Well fuck you, then!' While issuing the citation, FC was hollering 'He's just a Mexican bike cop!'" — Police report on colorful traffic stop

Posted by Jeff at 05:24 PM | Comments (6)

December 26, 2005

GETTING FERGIE'S GOAT

Dear Fergie,

I realize you're no longer married to Prince Andrew, but you're still the Duchess of York & should comport yourself as such.  I read that you recently urinated all over yourself onstage, & I think you are going too far. This is behavior I might expect from Princess Anne, but not you.

I know you've had a hard time of it, what with that awful poll where 87% of Brits said they'd rather shag a goat than you, being called the Duchess of Pork, those ghastly topless pics that probably finished Edward on women forever, & the fact that you're a great big heifer. True, you were the spokesbacon for Weight Watchers, but given that Kirstie Alley is flogging Jenny Craig, that's not saying much now, is it?

I also read you'll be appearing as a stripper on the Sopranos. Was Kathy Bates unavailable? Did it occur to you these people might be making fun of you? When you get to be as famous as I am, you'll learn not to trust just anybody.

Your friend,
Jeff

Posted by Jeff at 01:18 PM | Comments (14)

December 18, 2005

WHAT DID YOU SAY THAT THING WAS?

Jodie Marsh, the proud & talentless bimbo whose goal it is to supplant proud & talentless Uber-bimbo Jordan as England's sweetheart, has broken off with ex-Blue star Antony Costa, but she's taking the high road:

"He's very, very, very, very small, the smallest I've ever seen in my life. I'm talking like maybe two inches tops. It's not just a little bit small, it's like a button mushroom. Apart from his problems in the trouser department, he was passionate in every other way. If he was bigger I'd have given him 10 out of 10 as a lover. But because he's not, it makes it awkward & no matter what people say, you notice. With that in mind, I'd have to give him one or two out of 10. It's not his fault. He can't help how big he is. He hasn't got the best bum and is a bit overweight, but I'd rather have a man with a pot belly & a flat nose than a man with a six pack & a perfect face. He was always called the ugly one in Blue & he knew the band was coming to an end. He was on a real downer."

See also Keeping It Real by Jodie Marsh

Posted by Jeff at 05:48 AM | Comments (9)

December 14, 2005

ON A SCALE OF PAULA ABDUL TO MAUREEN DOWD?

"I'm probably one of the most neurotic people on the face of the earth." — Ryan Seacrest

Posted by Jeff at 06:03 AM | Comments (2)

December 06, 2005

BEAUTIFUL ATROCITIES COMPLETE GUIDE TO JENNIFERS

Jennifer was the most popular girls' name in the 1970s, which explains why we're now up to our ass in Jennifers. If, like me, you have trouble telling them apart, here's a handy guide:

Jennifer Garner:  1972 5'9. Actress / CIA recruiter. Made series of bombs - Electra, Daredevil - before finding fame as spook on Alias, cancelled after Garner married Ben Affleck.  Bitten by Colin Farrell. Voted Best Female Arms on Access Hollywood. Low point: Pearl Harbor. High point: none.

Jennifer Connelly. 1970  5'7½  34C/D-22-34. Teen model who appeared in Duran Duran video Union of the Snake. Survived certain career death of appearing in movie with Melanie Griffith, won Oscar for enduring Russell Crowe. Had breast reduction. Dresses kids in fashionable Che. High point: A Beautiful Mind. Low point: The Hulk.

Jennifer Aniston: 1969. 5'6. 34C-23-35½ Aka Rachel, also name of eponymous 90's hairdo. Currently transitioning from TV star to box office poison. Drove Brad Pitt away with obsessive Bush-bashing. High point: Friends. Low point: in progress.

Jennifer Love Hewitt: 1979 5'2½  34C-24-33 Teenybopper actress. Worships Gwyneth Paltrow as goddess, sent her roses before 1999 Oscars, which is creepy. High point: Party of Five. Low point: dating Wilmer Valderrama.

Jennifer Lopez:  1969 5'6  Morphed from competent actress to grotesque man-eating diva (P. Diddy, Ben Affleck) with entourage even bigger than you-know-what. High point: Selena. Low point: Gigli. Heather Mills stormed Lopez' office to protest use of fur, but escaped death when Lopez not there. Regularly slags off peers.

Jennifer Tilly: 1958. 5'5½  36C-24-34. Kewpie-voiced Amerasian psychocutie / champion poker player.  High point: Bound. Low point: Seed of Chucky. Has made 45 movies, many fairly obscure. #5 on Mr Blackwells' 1997 Worst Dressed List.

Jennifer Eccleston: 1969 Fox News reporter, embedded with US troops in Iraq War. Placed 3rd in Wizbang's Hottest Newsbabe poll. Degrees from Georgetown & London School of Economics.

Jennifer Morrison: 1979 5'5  Debuted at 15 in Richard Gere / Sharon Stone bomb Intersection, but survived. High point: Dawson's Creek. Low point: The Ashlee Simpson Show. Cubs fan. Worked with Affleck, claims he does not wear a toupee.

Jenna Jameson (Jennifer Marie): 1974 5'6 34DD-23-33 Porn star / bestselling author. Quote: "Fuck Gloria Steinem."  2004 Award Best Girl/Girl scene My Plaything 2. Daughter of cop & Vegas showgirl. Within 1 year, went from HS cheerleader to stripper to nude model to porn actress to crackhead. Likes back door action.

Jennifer Ellison: 1983 5'6½  Bodacious British soap star / pop diva. Starred as vixen on soap Brookside: "If it's supposed to be a really passionate snog, you slip the tongue in." Said to be only reason men watch soaps in UK. Denies implants.

Jennifer Esposito: 1973 5'5 High point: Crash. Low point: Dracula 2000. Favorite sandwich: Nutella & sliced bananas on Wonder bread. Big break: Spin City.

Jennifer Walcott: 1977  5'3 32C-22-32 Playboy Playmate of the Month August 2001. "Special skills" include aerobics, roller blading, & broadcast journalism. Film credits: Hot Lips, Hot Legs; No Boys Allowed. NSFW gallery.

Jennifer Cavalleri:  Ali McGraw's (5'9½ 33A-24-34) character in 1970 weeper Love Story. Inspiration for bijillions of namesakes. In 2000, Al Gore claimed he was inspiration for Ryan O'Neal character, foreshadowing incipient madness. Quote: "Love means never having to say you're sorry," altho in my sorry experience it's the exact opposite.

Jennifer North: Bimbo with a heart of gold from Valley of the Dolls. Played by Sharon Tate (5') in camp classic 1967 movie. Quote: "What the hell, let 'em droop."

Jennifer Follia: 5'6  Madonna impersonator at clubs, fashion shows, conventions, & fine cruise ships. Also channels Gwen Stefani, Lesley Ann Warren, Uma Thurman, & works to save Indonesian orangutan from extinction. Advice: "Never bleach your hair more than once a month."

See also Voice of a Jen-eration

Posted by Jeff at 06:57 AM | Comments (41)

December 02, 2005

CURSED! THE CYBILL SHEPHERD STORY

1950: Cybill born in Memphis. Korean War starts.

1966: 16yo model Cybill goes to third base with 24 yo Gray Davis. Later shags fat Elvis. Both men come to hideous ends.

1974: Director casts her in Last Picture Show. Leaves wife & kids for her. Stars her in musical disaster so wretched he issuesletter of apology. Movie career over.

1985: Cybill in hit TV show, Moonlighting, about bickering private eyes. Bickers with costar, a Republican with no previous experience. Show tanks. Costar goes on to have some success.

1995: Cybill in new comedy about struggling actress, which she knows something about. Having destroyed 2 careers via a) show tunes & b) not playing well with others, Cybill does both. Slashes role of scene-stealing costar who is frankly funnier than Cybill, begins belting out torch songs in the middle of shows, which makes no sense. Show tanks.

1999: Gloria Allred tells Cybill to run for President. She doesn't, a move she will regret when someone else is elected.

2003: Portrays Martha Stewart. Martha comments: "I don't screech & I don't scream." Advises Cybill to use tea bags for eyebags.

2004: Martha sent to big house. Cybill endorses John Kerry, ending his political career. By now, all Hollywood fears & shuns her.

See also Manolo: Cybill the Sibyl; the Cybill Shepherd Quiz; the Scariest Picture of Cybill Shepherd Ever; Cybill Shepherd - Get the Look; Simple Shepherd; Larry King Interview in which Cybill Pretends She Wasn't Jealous of Bruce Willis

INSPIRED BY PILE ON

Posted by Jeff at 07:25 AM | Comments (9)

November 17, 2005

OH SHUT THE F*CK UP

Elton John said George Bush is the worst thing that has ever happened to America. Do you agree?  What do you think is the worst thing to happen to America?
	Elton's weave
	Candle in the Wind 1997
	Night of the Living Dead rockers
	The tragedy of Alzheimer's
	Who the f*ck is Elton John?

See also Elton John Profiting from Princess Diana Tribute?; Elton: Lulu as My Maid of Honor, Posh Spice as Best Man

Posted by Jeff at 07:08 AM | Comments (10)

November 16, 2005

THE BEAUTIFUL ATROCITIES INTERVIEW: BRAD PITT ON DAMES

Beautiful Atrocities: So tell me, dude, what happened with Jennifer?
Brad Pitt: Seriously? I couldn't take the constant Bush-bashing. Bush lied, Rove did it, Gitmo Gitmo Gitmo, all day long.
BA: Not sexy.
Pitt: Your man comes home after a hard day with Julia Roberts, he doesn't want to hear a rant about Scooter Libby.
BA: I take it Jennifer's Israeli peace accord didn't pan out?
Pitt: Let it go, dude.
BA: But you have a history with gibbering moonbats. Gwyneth Paltrow--
Pitt: Oh Jesus God, what a Total Eclipse of the Fun that wench is! She hates Bush, she hates America, now she hates England. She's allergic to fun!
BA: You also dated Juliette Lewis, who's a raving Scientologist.
Pitt: Is this off the record?
BA: Of course.
Pitt: Sometimes it's just a hot piece of ass, okay?
BA: Now you're with Angelina, who said Bush's reelection was heartbreaking.
Pitt: Look, I don't date bimbos.
BA: Yes you do.
Pitt: Okay, but Angelina's not like those others.
BA: You're 43, she's 30 - aren't you worried she'll ditch you for a younger guy?
Pitt: Nope.
BA: Will there be a sequel to Mr. & Mrs. Smith?
Pitt: I'm not old.
BA: I never said you were.
Pitt: Although she did make Alexander with Colin Farrell.
BA: Who's 29.
Pitt: And now she's making a film with Matt Damon...
BA: 36.
Pitt: ...
BA: Hello?
Pitt: Does this make me look fat?

See also A Message from Jennifer Aniston

Posted by Jeff at 06:35 AM | Comments (12)

June 07, 2005

CHAV REVOLUTION

Chav-scum/ubersluts/self-gropers Jordan & Jordan-wannabe Jodie Marsh

chav, n., adj., UK slang, pejorative, similar to trailer trash, basura blanca, stupid proles, etc. AKA neds, wallys, hood rats, scallies, mall rats. Oxford University Press word of the year 2004. Related terms: council-house chic, fashion brands favored by chavs; Croydon face-lift, hair worn in steel-belted bun that retracts facial skin. Possible acronym for council-house violent.

Chav hangouts: shopping malls. Chav fashion: Burberry plaid baseball cap pulled low enough to rob liquor store; miniskirts over fat-marbled thighs; anything with screaming brand name; trainers; pimp-gold jewelry; mobile phones. See ChavScum: How to spot a chav

Egghead academic take:

"I would suggest that the chav identity has emerged at this particular historical moment as both a celebration & reaction of the superficial & fake aspects of an expanding information economy. Celebrities such as Posh Spice & Jordan are an almost celetariat, the new labour force to be exploited by the new owners of production, the media."

Celebrity chavs: Christina Aguilera; Jordan; Jodie Marsh; 50 Cent; J-Lo. Chav royalty: Posh & Beckham, Liam Gallagher, Jentina

Links: Chav memorabilia; Chav World UK; Chav Olympics; Which mobile for a chav?; Am I a Chav?; Is You a Chav or Is You a Posh?; Chav TV; Anti-Chav; To Chav & Chav Not; Liam Gallagher Slags Off Coldplay & Paltrow

Video: Chav AID;The Chavs: In Me Burberry; Chavhemian Rhapsody

Also: Official Jordan Fan Club. Jodie Marsh Drunk. Total Eclipse of the Skank: Jordan vs Jodie Marsh.

Posted by Jeff at 12:04 AM | Comments (11)

June 04, 2005

THE EXPLOSIVE TASTE OF MECCA COLA

"One of the perversions of capitalism lies in the generation within oneself of the most brutal and the most inhumane part of oneself." —From non-non-profit Mecca Cola Corp.

Capitalist greed knows no religion, as evidenced by the hot new cottage industry of 'Islamic' beverages & snacks in Europe & the Middle East. Much like overpriced faux-Green products at Whole Foods, these Islamophile brands essentially represent 'alternative greed,' & aren't above exploiting religious imagery to pocket a few shekels.

Unlike the Paul Newman line, none of these brands are non-profit, tho some claim to donate a portion to Islamic charities (Hamas? Hezbollah?), drawing the attention of Western terror watchers. And Arabs are buying them, unaware that boycotting 'American' goods does more damage to locals than multinationals (Coke is one of the biggest employers in the industrial-challenged Mideast). Choice of beverage:

Mecca Cola. France, 2002. Motto: Don't drink stupid, drink with commitment! Founded by shameless entrepreneur Tawfiq Mathlouthi, former host of anti-Semitic radio show. Kinetic TV ads feature thirst-slaked drinkers, Lynndie England, & Palestinians fleeing IDF tanks. Claims 20% of profits go to 'charities.' Mathlouthi says he abjures violence, but radio statements suggest otherwise: "It's not terrorism, it's resistance." "What 'Israelis'? All I know is the Zionist entity." Bizarrely claims cola named not after holy city, but lost American Indian tribe by same name, to remember that the first genocide was in the US & the first terrorist act was there.' Website features special fatwa page. Cans carry warning: Please do not mix with alcohol!

Qibla Cola. UK, 2003. "The ethical choice." Motto: Liberate your taste! Named for Muslim ritual of facing Mecca to pray. Claims donates 10% to 'charities'. Came in last in Guardian's blind taste test. By coincidence, shares same name as jihadi terror group in South Africa. Also comes in Qibla Fantasy, "an orange infusion, for those exercising their intellects in leading the crowd rather than following it." Press pack (pdf) lists contact as Tariq Ali. Could the Chomskyite extremist be moonlighting?

Zam Zam Cola. Founded 1954 as Iranian partner of Pepsi. When Ayatollah Khomeini gave Pepsi the boot, was taken over by sinister-sounding Foundation of the Dispossessed, aka conservative clerics' cookie jar. Named for holy spring in Mecca. Sales soared after Saudi boycott of American goods in response to intifada. Also produces 300 million bottles of non-alcoholic beer.

Muslim UP. France, 2003. 7-UP knockoff, now comes in cola, orange, & citron. Website features danceable Al-Jazeera meets It's A Small World virtual tour of factory. Peppy ad campaign: Je choisie ma consomation!. Site features 'Who Are Us?' garbled couscous of advert-prop: "It is so by proposing an alternative of purchase so small it is which will prevent these neo-executioners of the new century from buying maybe the munition of excess a ball, a life."

Cola Turka (site features rockin theme song). "Drink Cola Turka & become Turkish!" Funny ad campaign starring Chevy Chase. Launched to brisk sales in 2003, one day after US arrested 11 Turkish soldiers, leading to nationwide protests. Son of Turkish PM is distributor, while son of rival ex-PM is Coke distributor. Coke said to have cut prices 10% since Cola Turka's debut.

Arab Cola. France. "Le Cola du Monde Arabe." Launched by Moroccan Frenchman, Gerard LeBlanc who calls Mecca Cola 'dangerous' because of its religious reference. LeBlanc: "I don't believe their donation credo." Comes in special Ramadan edition, as well as Arab Toufaha, Arab Monada, & Arab Limouna.

Amrat Cola. Pakistan. Amrat = 'life' in Urdu. Successfully launched in April 2003 at height of Iraq War: "Amrat Cola is the only qualitative Pakistan Cola that is being marketed throughout Pakistan & one day, God willing, it will be a brand demanded the world over."





Also: Star Cola. UAE. Sales up 40% during intifada, when Gulf clerics called for boycott of American goods. Coming soon: Meccaburger, Meccadonalds, HFC (Halal Fried Chicken). Further reading: Our Man in the Land of Zam Zam Cola by Christina Lamb. Reposted while on vacation.

Note: Neither Coke nor Pepsi has sued over flagrant copyright infringement

Posted by Jeff at 08:44 AM | Comments (13)

May 26, 2005

EXCLUSIVE: DELETED SCENES FROM STAR BORES WARS

Posted by Jeff at 02:26 PM | Comments (0)

May 19, 2005

SHERIDAN CRANE VS NORMAN MAILER

On the uncanny similarities between bloviating old bore Norman Mailer & lovely young bore Sheridan Crane from Passions:

SHERIDAN CRANE		NORMAN MAILER
Despite total lack of evidence, keen  intuition tells her it was Beth Wallace who kidnapped her, threw her in a pit, & stole her baby		Despite total lack of evidence, keen  intuition tells him Bush/Rove behind Rathergate, Toiletgate, & Afghan riots
Everyone thinks she's crazy		Everyone thinks he's nuts
Wealthy Crane family heiress with no known job, attracts golddiggers like fleas		Wealthy former novelist married to 6th wife 26 yrs younger, 'artist' & 'novelist' Norris Church
Stabbed aunt but repressed memory		Stabbed second wife Adele
Believes has had many lives with lover Luis		Believer in reincarnation
Bores anyone in sight with endless self-pitying whining		Bores readers with doorstop-heavy tomes that cry out for editor: Executioner's Song (1072 pgs), Harlot's Ghost (1301 pgs), Ancient Evenings (709 pgs)
Fond of making portentous statements that sound important but are actually banal		"Every moment of one's existence one is growing into more or retreating into less."
Has had amnesia about 10 times		Godawful directorial attempt, Tough Guys Don't Dance, about writer with amnesia
Had famous catfight with bitch-rival Beth		Had famous catfight with bitch-rival Gore Vidal on Dick Cavett Show
Actress played Robert DeNiro's daughter in Raging Bull		Wrote The Fight about Ali/Foreman match
Lousy blogger		Even worse blogger

Posted by Jeff at 12:00 AM | Comments (15)

May 18, 2005

DEATH TO SCHNAPPI

Schnappi, the odious baby crocodile whose insufferable theme song has inexplicably shot to Number One all across Europe, has now been immortalized in a fitting video game. Enjoy.

Posted by Jeff at 11:23 AM | Comments (8)

May 16, 2005

DIVAS ON THE RAMPAGE

Longtime best friends Paris Hilton & Nicole Richie, one of the great comedy duos of all time, have abruptly severed their friendship. A year ago, things were so bad on Simple Life 2, it required surgical editing to make it appear the two got along.  But now things are officially over. Paris's only comment on the rift:

"A good friend is someone who is honest. I'll test them by telling them something & seeing if it will get out. If it gets out, I know that it was them."

Paris has tried to get co-producer Richie fired, but so far it's up in the air whether Richie will return. But any time you put divas together, you get fireworks. Or, as the saying goes, Women don't get mad, they get even:

DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES: Rumors of on-set catfights spurred by Vanity Fair cover story & recent fete for star Teri Hatcher: "Conspicuous by their absence were domestic divas Felicity Huffman &  Marcia Cross, who threw a hissy fit at a Vanity Fair cover shoot in February when she thought Hatcher was hijacking the limelight."

Teri Hatcher & Nicolette Sheridan said to be off-screen enemies due to decade-old triangle with Michael Bolton. Four of the housewives reportedly fuming over Hatcher's salary, saying show should be renamed The Teri Hatcher Show.

JENNIFER LOPEZ: Dissed Gwyneth Paltrow: "I don't remember anything she was in. Some people get hot by association. I heard more about her & Brad Pitt than I ever heard about her work." Further enraged Paltrow by taking up with Paltrow discard Ben Affleck, & stealing Vogue cover from Paltrow.

Lopez also dissed Madonna: "Do I think she's a great actress? No. Acting is what I do."  Mariah Carey also no Lopez fan; Carey on Lopez's need for 8 hrs of sleep: "If I had the luxury of not actually having to sing my own songs, I'd do that, too."

LINDSAY LOHAN vs HILARY DUFF: Ongoing catfight erupted after both women romantically involved with singer Aaron Carter. Duff claims Lohan egged her mother's Range Rover, & Lohan claims Duff tried to have her ejected from film premiere. Duff's song 'Haters' jab at Lohan:

"You’re the queen of superficiality
Keep your lies out of my reality.
You say your boyfriend’s sweet & kind
But you’ve still got your eyes on mine."

LAVERNE & SHIRLEY: Penny Marshall & Cindy Williams had intense rivalry, fueled by Williams' insecurity about Marshall's brother producing the show. Williams walked off the show, alleging Marshall got all the good lines.

CATHERINE ZETA JONES vs JULIA ROBERTS: Conspicuously did not socialize on set of Ocean's Twelve, bickered over who got best outfits, & Roberts furious Zeta Jones got billing over her.

SUZANNE SOMERS: Three's Company star demanded raise from $30,000 an episode to $150,000 & 10% ownership of show. Role cut to 1 minute per episode. Sued ABC for $2 million, but suit was settled for - $30,000. Went on to have successful career flogging Thighmaster. In 2003, former costar Joyce Dewitt produced TV movie about the show that portrayed Somers as a self-centered bimbo:

"I don’t want stardom," she announces, gazing enviously at posters of Farrah Fawcett. "I want superstardom."

KELLY OSBOURNE vs CHRISTINA AGUILERA: Christina: "She is the nastiest person I have ever seen. She is so bitter & twisted about life." Kelly: "She is one of the most disgusting human beings in the entire world. I've seen drag queens who look better." Osbourne also keeps voodoo doll of Aguilera. Related:

Christina Aguilera vs Pink: "When has Pink not been copying me? In her fashion, it's always like 'Gosh, I just wore that last week."

Christina on Britney Spears' engagement ring: "It looks like she got it on QVC. She's not trailer trash, but she sure acts that way."

CHARLIE'S ANGELS: Originally titled The Alley Cats, cross between The Avengers & Honey West, as star vehicle for Kate Jackson. Tensions erupted  when Farrah Fawcett's hairdo became star of show. Sensing destiny, Fawcett quit show after 1st season & ended career. At 50, Fawcett posed for Playboy, recently has morphed into plastic surgery atrocity.

Charlie's Angels redux: during filming of movie sequel, Drew Barrymore, Lucy Liu, & Cameron Diaz refused to socialize with Demi Moore.

REGIS & KELLY RIPA: Tabloids full of stories about bitter backstage rivalry between Regis & his break-talking cohost, claiming Ripa's salary forced Philbin pay cut, & that Ripa pushes features like her Book Club that allow her to work solo.

SEX & THE CITY: Kim Cattrall reportedly miffed that Sarah Jessica Parker made twice as much as the other actresses on the show. Cattrall requested separate table from costars at Emmy Awards, refused to participate in film version of show over salary.

CYBILL SHEPHERD:  Shepherd so threatened by her sitcom's scene-stealing costar Christine Baranski she counted the lines each character was given.  Baranaski's lines were reduced. Show went rapidly downhill, with Shepherd incongruously belting out torch songs in the middle of episodes. Shepherd also said to have long-running feud with Moonlighting costar Bruce Willis.  Also: Arnold Schwarzenegger & John Ashcroft.

SHANNON DOHERTY: Epic feudress. Objects of hatred: Paris Hilton, Alyssa Milano, entire 90210 cast, Aaron Spelling.

ELTON JOHN: Feuds - Madonna, American Idol, George Michael, Taiwan, Boy George, Posh Spice, Rod Stewart, George Bush.

JOAN COLLINS: Long-running bitch fight with trash-novelist sister Jackie escalated after Joan started penning bodice-rippers also. Joan on whether her novel about showbiz sisters is autobiographical: "Here's a hint: one sister is overweight & not very pretty." Also feuding with Virgin Atlantic for making her remove hat, sunglasses, jacket, & shoes in security line. Collins: "Do you know who I am??" Reportedly couldn't stand Catherine Oxenberg, who played her daughter on Dynasty.

JORDAN vs JODIE MARSH: England's breast-battling bimbo babes

ROSIE O'DONNELL: Feuds - Pat Sajak, her publisher, Madonna, Howard Stern, Michael Jackson, Tom Selleck, Boy George (who called her a Pottery Barn lesbian), George Bush.

SUSAN LUCCI: Marathon Emmy loser made life miserable for scene-stealing Emmy-winning TV daughter Sarah Michelle Gellar, a factor in Gellar's wise decision to leave All My Children.

DELTA BURKE: Plus-sized star fired after public feud with Designing Women producers, claiming they were insensitive to her substantial weight gain. Burke had her revenge, as the show never recovered. Now hawks plus-sized clothing line.

CHEERS: Shelley Long torpedoed career by leaving TV's top rated comedy. Sam Simon, Cheers writer/producer: "It wasn't Shelley versus Ted. It wasn't Shelley versus the writers. It was Shelley versus everybody."

Posted by Jeff at 12:14 PM | Comments (23)

May 10, 2005

ORLANDO BLOOM: A STAR IS BORN

The critics rave over Orlando Bloom in Kingdom of Heaven:

UK Telegraph: "More than just a pretty face. He's a pretty torso too."

New Yorker: "Rouses the tremulous defenders of Jerusalem with all the assurance of a head prefect addressing a school assembly."

Seattle Weekly: "Our hero is no man's man à la Crowe but a f*cking elf: Orlando Bloom looks like someone Hilary Swank would KO with one punch. The quarterback of my Ridgecrest Elementary football team had bigger balls."

Spliced Wire: "Bloom's wallpaper performance won't hold the attention of anyone who doesn't have his pin-up plastered around her bedroom."

AP: "He's just too pretty."

Salon: "Although good-looking in a the dog ate my homework kind of way ... when he his mouth, a painstakingly noble squeak comes out."

SF Bay Guardian: "May be heavenly blessed, but damn, he's boring."

Steve Rhodes: "Eva Green, as his love interest, is so incredibly awful that Bloom's acting does appear a bit better in comparison."

Carrie Rickey: "A Shetland pony among stallions."

Boston Globe: "Seems like a man holding the fort for a genuine star who never arrives."

NY Daily News: "Orlando Bloom would have trouble filling even Colin Farrell's sandals."

Orlando online fan clubs, however, are metastasizing:

Orlando Bloom iz Mine! "AINT THAT MAN HOT?!?!?! WELL IN MY OPINION HE IS SOOOO FINE. ORLANDO IF YOU READ THIS I LOVE YOU!"

I luv Orlando Bloom:   "Um i just started this page today so it'z probably gonna suck but give me sum time & I'll try to improve it."

Whispers of Orlando Bloom: "Heard any whispering's about Orlando? Do you want to???? Here's one...Orlando, doesn't like girl's who smoke. Let's WHISPER about Orlando!!"

Sprinkles of Orlando Bloom: "We'll 'sprinkle' a little of Orlando everywhere! Dana & Linda. SPRINKLE ME WITH ORLANDO!!!"

Mr. Sexy Pants Orlando Bloom

Orlando Bloom World: "You are the Proud Owner of Orlando Bloom's Mouth! Get ready for some of the most heavenly kisses on the planet. "

Fruit of the Bloom: "Daaaang! Orlando could catch a wet match on fire!! The man is HOT HOT HOT HOT HOT!!!"

LandWS Bloom Room: "Join us in worshiping, idolising & generally adoring the God-that-walks-as-a-man otherwise known as Orlando Bloom."

Orlando is Bloomin Gorgeous: "A place to drool over the fabulous Orlando Bloom, with optional drool buckects!!"

Orlandoism: "If you love/worship/adore Orli, than you are more than welcome. If you don't, I don't know whats wrong with you, & whatever it is... FIX IT!"

LOTRstuff: "Orlando Bloom is a GOD! Black beans taste like CRAP!!!!! Lol! moving on..."

I hate Orlando Bloom:   "Do you have a funny or embarrasing picture of him you would like to sare with your fellows at arms in this war against this horible man."

Orlando Bloom rocks: "Hi this is the group manager Briana, but you can call me Bri. No flaming anyone, but you can flame on Kate Bosworth."

Orlijah: "A group for fan fiction that depicts Orlando Bloom & Elijah Wood as a couple. That means slash! *grin*"

Our Orlando Bloom Group: "Flamming of Kate Bosworth welcomed."

Orlando iz hottest: "You MUST be dedicated for life to ORLANDO BLOOM. if your not your a LOSER."

Elf Obsessed: "If Orlando was really in love with Kate, then why did he dodge cars & leave about 1 mile of distance between Hiself, & Kate when a paparazzi saw them?"

We Dislike Kate Bosworth: "WE ARE TIRED OF BEING TOLD TO SHUT UP WHEN WE SAY SOMETHING BAD ABOUT HER!"

Love for Legolas: "we're always here for you to gush & salivate over him until you get him out of your system - yeah, right, as if."

Orlandoholoics: "We here at Orlandoholics Anonymous helps detox those who suffer from symptoms of Obsessive Fangirlism. These symptoms include: Constant drooling, squeeling, ogleing, eyeballing, cat fighting, & screaming "I LOVE YOU ORLI!" or "MARRY ME!"

Whorlie: "This is a group if you are a Orlando Bloom Whore. If this squicks you, you may leave."

Posted by Jeff at 09:17 AM | Comments (29)

April 27, 2005

Booted Idol finalist Corey Clark says he banged Paula Abdul during his run on the show. Who do you think Paula should have banged?
	Ryan Seacrest
	Gay finalist Jim Verraros (Season 1)
	Christian finalist RJ Helton (Season 1)
	Runner-up Clay Aiken (Season 2)
	Crazyman Jon Peter Lewis (Season 3)
	Frontrunner/dropout Mario Vasquez (Season 4)
	Faux-rocker Constantine (Season 4)
	American Idol Fantasia
	US Marine finalist Josh Gracin (Season 2)
	Faux-rocker Bo Bice (Season 4)

See also It's a Paula Confusion

Posted by Jeff at 06:09 PM | Comments (18)

April 19, 2005

GREAT MOMENTS IN TURKISH CINEMA

click to enlarge

Aysecik ve Sihirli Gugeler aka Little Ayse & the Magic Dwarves, aka The Turkish Wizard of Oz, 1971

Film Threat: "The single stupidest production in the history of motion pictures. The magic midgets are constantly pinching & ogling Dorothy, & even Toto gets into the act by jumping up under her dress."

Wave Magazine: "Why the Turks chose to make Scarecrow gay will remain another Turkish film enigma. Every line this lunatic straw construct coos through his lipstick is accentuated with a limp wrist & a hip thrust. While Dorothy is oiling the Tin Man’s joints, the Scarecrow humps him."

Culture Dose: "The dialogue doesn't match the filmstock. The musical numbers are reminiscent of those Pakistani musicals in that the characters appear to be singing."

Viceland:  "Turkish Dorothy is actually a rocking kind of goth/farm girl, & the Turkish Cowardly Lion looks like John Gacy trying out for Cats."

Gay City News: "The Scarecrow is quite the limp-wristed nelly & his excessively effeminate behavior makes you wonder which part of him was stuck up that pole in the cornfield. The Cowardly Lion looks like he has a Pekinese hanging from his groin."

Named one of 10 Best Unseen Films of 2000; starred Zeynep Degirmencioglu, who was named Aysecik in half the movies she made; See also Turkish Exorcist & Turkish Star Wars

Posted by Jeff at 09:54 PM | Comments (5)

April 13, 2005

MOTHER OF THE YEAR: MRS. X

Amid the septic tank of human souls that is the Michael Jackson trial, the testimony of one woman stands as a paragon of responsible motherhood.  Mrs. X  & her son were chums with Jackson until alarm bells began to go off, warnings less conscientious mothers might have missed.

In 1993, Mrs. X & her 13 year old son - we'll call him Noodles - began a lucrative friendship with Jackson. Perks included an all-expense jaunt via private jet to Vegas where they were put up at the Mirage. During this trip, Jackson unexpectedly dropped in on Mrs. X one midnight. According to Mrs. X, Jackson was verklempt:

"He was sobbing & crying, shaking & trembling. He said, 'You don't trust me? We're a family. ... (The boy) is having fun. Why can't he sleep in my bed? There's nothing wrong. There's nothing going on.'"

Not wanting to be a spoil sport, Mrs. X relented, her misgivings evaporating the next day when Jackson gifted her with a gold Cartier bracelet. After the Vegas sleepover, Jackson & Noodles became very close, one might say inseparable, & Jackson spent many nights at Mrs. X's home in Santa Monica:

DA: "And where would he stay?"
Mrs. X: "In (my son's) bedroom."

Jackson lavished affection on Mrs. X & Noodles, whisking them to Disney World & even Monaco, where he packed her off on a prepaid shopping spree. Around this time, Mrs. X's brother questioned the relationship, & at this point Mrs. X became concerned. She voiced her concerns to Jackson, which netted her a necklace, a pair of earrings, a ring, & a $7000 gift certificate. (And, ultimately, an out of court settlement.)

Beautiful Atrocities salutes Mrs. X for alertness above & beyond the call of duty. She joins previous Mothers of the Year Patsy Ramsey, Susan Smith, Joan Crawford, & Mama Rose. Sadly, Mrs. X testified that Noodles, now 25, hasn't spoken to her in 11 years. Isn't that a fine thank you!

Confidential to Mrs. X: If there's any of that settlement money left, I wouldn't give a penny to the ungrateful brat! See also Defense Cites Millions of People Not Molested by Jackson; American Pimp; Video: Beverly Hills Pimps & Hos

Posted by Jeff at 08:17 AM | Comments (5)

April 11, 2005

GOOD & BAD HAIR

gavin newsom & bernadette peters

If you're a guy who wants to look like SF pretty boi mayor Gavin Newsom - or a woman who'd like an introduction - the guy to see is Edgardo Chacon, who cuts his hair for $120 a pop & says of Newsom:

"A classic man, like a movie star from the old days, like a Clark Gable or a John Kennedy. My female clients just love him. He's as beautiful on the inside as he is on the outside."

Chacon's a hairburner at Kamalaspa, where you get so much more than a haircut:

Talapodichil Scalp Mask: A rejuvenating herbal paste/mask is applied to the entire head for 45 minutes.

Maharaja Royal Shave:  The face is massaged with pre-shave oil.  The face is shaved twice, once with the grain, then across the grain. Alum block is applied for antiseptic & pore-closing purposes. The After-Shave Mask rejuvenates & purifies the skin. It is removed with natural sea sponges soaked in lemon essential oil.

Mehndi Art: The traditional artwork on hands & feet. The special Ayurvedic significance lies in its effect of balancing the doshas.

Dil Chahata Hai Nail Care: Includes luxurious exfoliating & hydrating mask, essential oil cuticle conditioning, nail shaping & polish change along with glorious massage

If that's not good enough, try Alex Chases, who starts at $100, expects his clients to book a year's worth of appointments at a time, & takes himself rather seriously:  "The client is the art. I don't want anything inside the salon to take away from her. I breathe, live & work hair all the time."

Chases' rival is Nikas Nikas, who charges $450 a pop, pissed off Chacon by dissing Gavin's do, & won't touch curly hair: "If Bernadette Peters showed up, I'd turn her away." Please - curly hair separates the men from the nancy bois.

I have very wavy hair, but not in a good way. With a firm attitude & a supply of NASA-strength steel-belted hair wax, it can be pummeled into submission. I've gone to new hairstylists who beam confidence when I walk in the door, then after they wash my hair & start cutting, their expression morphs from puzzlement, irritation, exasperation, & finally despair.

The Man Behind Gavin's Do; Bernadette Peters Official Website

Posted by Jeff at 08:00 AM | Comments (10)

April 05, 2005

THE ROYAL TREATMENT

GWEN STEFANI & THE WEIRD-ASS HARAJUKU GIRLS

The Guardian reports on entourages of the stars:

DIVA		POSSE		SPECIAL PERKS
J-Lo		100		Eyebrow technician, wind-machine operative, special bra to conceal dark nipples, 4 humidifiers, masseurs on stand-by, Egyptian cotton sheets. Showed up with 60 minders for 7 minute lip-synch on Top of the Pops. No one is to make eye contact or speak to Miss Thing
Justin Timberlake		80		Private gym, mirror on ceiling, Hershey bars. Had Harrodsup especially for him
Puffy		60		Personal jewelry protector, on-call writer, video diarist, life-sized pictures of Puffy on every wall, bowls of multi-colored Cheerios (not the brown ones), white orchids in bloom.
Eminem		50		CIA-trained bodyguards
Gaddafi		40		Corps of all-female bodyguards
Outkast		40		Yoga practitioner, personal vegan chef
Mariah Carey		30		Person to hold her towel, person to have cool drink ready should she become thirsty, 3 animal handlers to provide kittens for her to stroke, 350 pairs of shoes, specific instructions about lighting in her suites, demands red carpet be rolled out - literally - for her arrival
Ricky Martin		30		Mineral water at room temperature, '10 bulging bodyguards', & (occasionally) girlfriend
Janet Jackson		25		Recycling consultant
Madonna		22		(Swells to 100 on tour) A room for her sewing machine, exercise bike, dehumidifier, box of plants, Kaballah Water, children's play room. Imposed cursing fine on entourage & ordered them to wear only white on trip to Israel
Shania Twain		20		3 grooms for her horse, private juicer
Cher		9		Round-the-clock wig security & wig expert
Gwyneth Paltrow		8		Publicist, stylist, 2 assistants, nanny, macrobiotic chef
Gwen Stefani		4		4 Harajuku girls contractually barred from speaking anything but Japanese
Alexandra Kerry		5		Needed 5 assistants to appear at Cannes in see-thru dress
Kanye West		1		His mom
Beautiful Atrocities		0		Taking applications. Must address as O Genius One & be able to administer Neti pot

Harajuku gallery. More Harajuku.

Posted by Jeff at 09:15 AM | Comments (16)

April 04, 2005

SCOOP!

Beautiful Atrocities has learned that a certain heir to the British throne is marrying his longtime squeeze CPB out of necessity, if you know what I mean & I think you do.

Posted by Jeff at 02:07 PM | Comments (13)

April 03, 2005

DESPERATION TANGO

diego maradona, before & after

Former soccer superstar Diego Maradona says he's in love with Hugo Chavez: 'I like women, but I left in love with Chavez. He's a 10,' Maradona said, after a 2 hour meeting with the Venezuelan president.  Chavez called Maradona 'a friend & a revolutionary.'

Maradona, who led Argentina to a World Cup in 1986, is also in love with dictator for life Fidel Castro: 'I am proud to be a friend of Fidel, a friend of the greatest man in living history.' Has tattoo of Castro on his leg, in addition to Che Guevara tattoo on his arm. Maradona has lived in Cuba since 2000 while fighting cocaine addiction. Criticized Argentina for backing vote against Cuba at the UN Human Rights Commission.

In Cuba, Maradona was seen with teenaged girls on his arms, dressed as Osama bin Laden for his birthday party, & crashed head-on into a bus while driving the wrong way down a street. Cuban waitress: 'He ate like a barbarian & drank a lot, but never fell over.'

Maradona is also chums with Saadi Gaddafi, having attended Saadi's romantic wedding to the daughter of Libya's intelligence chief & assisted in Saadi's ill-fated attempt to be the 'best soccer player in Africa'. Both Maradona & Saadi were expelled from tournaments for testing positive for banned substances, as was Ben Johnson, Saadi's coach.

Maradona is not chums with great rival Pele, whom he claimed had a gay affair with a youth soccer coach. Yet Maradona's had his own share of accusations:

"In 1996, Maradona took part in a goal celebration with his best friend, Claudio Caniggia, that involved rather more kissing on the lips than your average Wimbledon centre-half would be comfortable with. Caniggia's wife: 'At times I believe Diego is in love with my husband. It must be the long hair & big muscles.'"

Nor was he a fan of the late Pope John Paul II: "I've been to the Vatican & seen the gold ceilings. And then I hear the Pope saying that the Church was concerned about poor kids. So? Sell the ceilings, mate! Do something!" 

Maradona was confined in a psychiatric hospital in Buenos Aires last year & recently had stomach stapling operation in Colombia to lose weight. At 5'6,  he was said to have weighed 264lb when admitted to hospital.

Rise & Fall of a Football Genius

Posted by Jeff at 02:31 PM | Comments (5)

March 29, 2005

THE JANE WIEDLIN STORY

We were America's sweethearts, but we weren't that sweet. - jane wiedlin

Future squeaky-voiced Go-Go Jane Marie Genevieve Wiedlin was born at 8:30AM May 20, 1958 in Oconomowoc, Wisconsin. Learned to play Kumbaya on guitar at 12. Valley girl: attended Taft High School in San Fernando Valley (with Joan Jett).

On January 14 1978, Jane attended Sex Pistols performance in San Francisco that changed her life. Also in the audience: former Newbury Park high school cheerleader Belinda Carlisle. The two met a few weeks later & became roommates at Canterbury flophouse in West Hollywood. Wiedlin went by Jane Drano, while Carlisle went by Dottie Danger & played drums in punk band the Germs, with soon-to-be rock suicide Darby Crash. Jane:

"The night before he died, I saw him at a club, & we were hanging out, which we never normally did, & he said, You know what, this is so stupid that we've never become friends. We should get together more. And I'm like, That would be great. And we traded phone numbers & then the next day he was dead."

With Jane on rhythm guitar, she & singer Carlisle formed punk band the Misfits with bassist Charlotte Caffey (from the Eyes, which featured future X drummer DJ Bonebrake) & drummer Gina Schock, formerly of Edie & the Eggs (backup band for John Waters pinup Edith Massey). Eventually added Kathy Valentine. Jane renamed band the Go-Go's one night at a Denny's restaurant.

May 31 1978: First Go-Gos performance at the Masque (in basement of porno theater). Belinda Carlisle: "Everyone in the audience was either horrified or laughing hysterically." Manager landed gigng UK ska tour for Madness, the Specials, & Bodysnatchers (7-member all-girl band that became the Belle Stars). Jane:

"It was horrible, everyone hated us because we weren't ska, we weren't even British, & we were chicks, & so we would just get spit at & bottles thrown at us every night."

In UK, recorded first single, We Got the Beat, with Stiff Records, which became underground hit. Back in LA, signed with IRS in 1980. Released Beauty & the Beat 1981, did not take off till new cable channel MTV began playing first video in November. Wiedlin sang soprano interlude on Our Lips are Sealed, which she wrote with then bf Terry Hall of the Specials.

Became first all-girl rock band to enter top 100 & first #1 (& kept Joan Jett's album at number 2). Second album sucked. Band careened out of control, with Carlisle & Caffey strung out on coke & smack. After Talk Show, Jane was pissed she wasn't allowed to sing on her song Forget That Day. Unlike the Beatles, Go-Go's only had one lead vocalist. Jane left band in 1985:

"I had stopped doing drugs. I was just over it & I was surrounded by people who definitely weren’t. They actually got kicked out of Ozzy Osbourne’s dressing room. Can you imagine? How bad do you have to be to get kicked out of Ozzy’s dressing room?"

Recorded solo album & single Blue Kiss shot to #77 on the Billboard charts. Had Top 10 single 1988 Rush Hour, from CD Fur, something Jane doesn't like. Arrested in 1987 while protesting wearing of fur & spent five days in jail.

Played Joan of Arc in Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure; singing telegram in Clue (exclusive Jane Wiedlin audio.) Squeaky voice perfect for cartoon voice-overs. Toured with Go-Gos in 90s, released new CD God Bless the Go-Go's in 2001. With Caffey, wrote off-Broadway hit Deep Throat: the Musical, about Linda Lovelace. Appeared on Surreal Life, where has-been rapper Da Brat called Jane a has-been.

Go-Go's trivia: Recorded original version of Johnny Are You Queer, but didn't release it, only to have it become cult classic by Josie Cotton.

Moonlights as dominatrix.  Posed with burlesque star Dita von Teese. Wore leather bondage pants on Jeopardy: "I'm always finding an excuse to spank people! Most people deserve a good spanking. Women have better butts for spanking but men need to be spanked."

Jane trivia: 5'1. Plays Ibanez guitars. Shares same birthday with Ronald Reagan. Favorite bands: Heart, Patsy Cline, X, Split Enz, Sparks, Roxy Music. Lives in Panama. Producing CD for (gulp) Paris Hilton: "She wanted to make a record that sounds like a cross between Blondie & the Go-Go’s."

On Britney Spears' cover of I Love Rock n Roll: "Britney is fine, but it's really hard to outdo Joan. I'm not sure Britney really loves rock 'n' roll. Do you think she goes to  Pantera concerts with her boyfriend from NSYNC? She should have done Joan's song Cherry Bomb, because doesn't she still have hers?"

On Hillary Duff's cover of Our Lips are Sealed:  "As Kathy (Valentine) stated, At least Jane will make a lot of money."

On stardom:  "I think that I got real bratty & had this sense of entitlement. Then when I left the band & had pretty much nothing but difficulty trying to establish myself on my own, I realized fame isn't an easy thing to get."

On the Kinsey scale: "I pretty much consider myself bisexual since I have had sex with both men & women. But I don’t really go around chasing anyone, male or female, because I am married. My husband thinks it’s cute that I like girls."

On Go-Go's reunion:  "I don't think the worry is, Are the Go-Go's going to get me back on drugs? Instead it's been, Are we going to be able to get along & not lose our minds? "

On her regrets:  "The permed poodle hair - I hate that! White socks with high heels & the shoulder pads & the giant jewelry."

On Go-Go's gay following: "I think we are basically a bunch of fag hags."

Jane Wiedlin.com; God Bless the Go-Go's; Jane Wiedlin Lookalike Page; Dita von Teese; Amazing true-life story of how bootleg Jane Wiedlin tape saved morale of Gulf War Marine; Go-Go's timeline; Jane Wiedlin wallpaper; Go-Go's Pacman; WIG interview with Jane; Jane as Corset Kitten Pinup; Interview with Nardwuar the Human Serviette; Bangles vs the Go-Go's; We Got the Meat: All-Male Go-Go's Tribute Band

Posted by Jeff at 10:55 AM | Comments (21)

March 28, 2005

       ::: click :::

Amazing website, but I can't remember where I found it...

Posted by Jeff at 02:51 PM | Comments (19)

March 26, 2005

POP GOES THE WORLD

Number One songs around the globe this week:

MEXICO: Volverte a ver by Juanes (aka the Colombian Elvis) who's been compared to Springsteen & Bono. Mixes vallenato & cumbia with pop rock. Video

LATVIA: Prasīt aizmirsto by Double Faced Eels. Alternative rock. Chiky`s (bass), Reinis (guitar), Marka (vocals), Pauls (drums). Good song, sample here. See also Latvian curse words.

UK: E-pro by Beck .Features drum sample of "So What'cha Want" from the Beastie Boys. Video

SWEDEN: Las Vegas by Martin Stenmarck.  Official Swedish entry, Eurovision 2005.  Video of Stenmarck on dumb Swedish TV show

POLAND: Mamma Mia by French pop-tart Shana Vanguarde. Dance remake of ABBA standard.

ARGENTINA: Arrancacorazones by Attaque 77. Argentine Ramones-style punk; band even copies Ramones album covers. Has played with Iggy Pop, Sex Pistols, Ramones, Motorhead, & the Lurkers. Band members were only 15 when recorded first song in 1988

FINLAND: Pettävällä Jäällä by rockers Yö feat. Annika Eklund. Good song

JAPAN: Get Right by Jennifer Lopez. Video. Can no one stop her?

ISRAEL: Isyankar by Turkish superstar/sex symbol Mustafa Sandal feat. Gentleman (also Top Ten in Denmark). Ottoman pop.

BRAZIL: Cadê Meu Amor? by samba superstar Zeca Pagodinho. His song Deixa a Vida Me Levar [Let Life Take Me] was taken up as unofficial anthem of Brazilian world cup champions 2002.

Posted by Jeff at 09:49 AM | Comments (22)

March 12, 2005

                ::: click :::

(Don't blame me, blame Margi Lowry)

Posted by Jeff at 08:36 PM | Comments (7)

March 09, 2005

CELEBRITY TERROR ALERT

Dear Osama bin Laden,

I read about your brilliant plot to destabilize America & destroy our morale by kidnapping Russell Crowe. Russell Crowe?? Who's advising you, Meg Ryan?  I'm not sure when they last rolled your wheelchair out of the cave, but kidnapping Russell Crowe is not going to bring America to its knees, & might even win you some support. If you really want to drive a stake into the corrupt heart of the decadent West, you need to kidnap a REAL honest-to-God icon. Some suggestions:

Jordan & Jodie Marsh: England's beloved fash mag slags/mortal enemies. Tony Blair's crown jewels. Tip: lock them in same room for a real show

Kelly Ripa: America's morning snort of crank. You can work out particulars with Regis Philbin, who may have already contacted you. Tip: invest in supply of foam rubber earplugs

Ben Affleck: Crowe is merely Affleck wannabe. Immortalized in Team America. Fond of talking about higher office. Tip: if Netflix delivers to Tora Bora, check out Gigli: the Director's Cut

Clay Aiken: America IS Clay Aiken.

Punxsutawney Phil and/or Mr. Blackwell: Often confused pop icons who surface once a year in tired old ritual to offer spiritual advice to downfallen West

Elvira: A legend in America, where turn-away crowds queue for her public appearances at boat shows & supermarketngs nationwide.

Maggie Gallagher: Unwed mother/single mom who replaced Meg Ryan as America's sweetheart by fulminating against unwed mothers & single moms for friend/employer George Bush

Oliver Willis: Renaissance man: stupidity antidote, sex symbol, scourge of Big Media. Sometimes mistaken for Star Jones

Beetlejuice: Adorable phreakshow/movie star/celebrity WTF

Star Jones: Fag hag, Piggy Pudding fan, hostess on ABC hen party The View. Important: Make sure you get the real Star Jones!

Spongebob: Multitalented homo porifera

Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen: Fashion goddesses to the pre-curse set, straight-to-video black belts, Lolita-pop divas, closest thing to American royalty

Wilmer Valderrama: Inexplicable chick magnet, beloved entertainer, role model for our time

Jessica Simpson: Pundit, 7-11 fan, exhibitionist. Perhaps most important living celebrity next to Enrique Iglesias

Monster Kane: Colorful 7' 326lb WWE champion (for one night), half-brother of Undertaker, husband of reluctant bride Lita.

Llama Butchers: How do you say 'over' in Arabic? (BTW, Steve & Robert have said really really mean things about you on many occasions. FYI)

Posted by Jeff at 06:22 AM | Comments (26)

March 06, 2005

INSURGENT ACTRESS

The Jacket: in 1992, a man is given an experimental treatment with the unusual side effect of propelling him to 2007, where he learns of his death in 1992. The upshot is, he wouldn't have died in 1992 had he not learned of his death in 2007, so it makes no sense. I'm not asking a lot.

Keira Knightley has the subtlety of a kidney stone. She pounces on the  script like a jackal on carrion, she snarls, she slavers, she mauls the screen like a method-acting wolverine; this isn't acting, it's triage. Keira machine-guns the audience with a fusillade of tics, tremors, & tantrums so overwrought that when you crawl out from under your seat, you're just grateful to be alive. It's a bit much.

I know what you're thinking: "Jeff, you hate Keira Knightley, why would you subject yourself to this?" Well. We all make compromises in life. Sometimes they're only mildly toxic, like Riverdance, but sometimes you make mistakes that sear your soul & haunt your waking dreams.

As for Adrian Brody: at least he's not Orlando Bloom. Subliminal messages: Anti-smoking. Anti-Gulf War. Anti-SUV. Pro-electroshock therapy. Pro-nursing.

See also Orlando Bloom Hatelisting

Posted by Jeff at 10:46 AM | Comments (8)

March 02, 2005

THE SIMPLE LIFE: FALLUJAH

AERIAL SHOT: Nicole & Paris, fashionably dressed, wander thru ruins of Fallujah. Paris carries odious chihuahua Tinkerbelle.
NICOLE: Where the hell are we??

CUT TO: Paris & Nicole meet platoon of battered insurgents. Charred poster on wall: Roger & Me.
PARIS: Hi guys. We just came from Ramallah.
NICOLE: They hated us. We got fired from the intifada.
PARIS: So. What do you guys do for fun in Fallujah?
INSURGENTS: Behead the infidel!
PARIS & NICOLE: Niiiiice.
LEADER: I am Mohammed Mohammed. (points to drooling mongoloid) This is Mohammed³. He will achieve martyrdom after you perform ritual shaving of the anus.
PARIS: Oh god, I HATE this!

CUT TO: Nicole shaving insurgent's hairy ass.
NICOLE: This is so rude! I need a Weed-Whacker!
PARIS: I'm so gonna die! (cell phone rings) Oh hi, Mom! In Fallujah. Nothing, there's NOTHING here, it's a pile of rocks! They don't even have a spa!
NICOLE: AIEEE! Look Paris, dingleberries!
PARIS: (runs screaming; hilarious montage of Nicole chasing Paris with insurgent dingleberries)

CUT TO: Paris & Nicole in form-fitting fatigues & Manolo Blahniks.
LEADER: Now you will accompany Mohammed³ as he achieves martyrdom.
PARIS: But I don't have anything to wear!
NICOLE: Let's go shopping!

CUT TO: Paris & Nicole at Chador Summertacular
PARIS: (to saleslady) Is there a petite section? Do you have this in a pastel?
NICOLE: She hates us.

CUT TO: Paris & Nicole, glumly eating dinner with insurgents, plates piled with charred mystery gristle.
PARIS: Gross! I can't believe you're eating that, Nicole!
NICOLE: It's not bad. Where's Tinkerbelle, anyway?
INSURGENTS grin.
PARIS: (throws plate) AIEEE!

CUT TO: Insurgents wave goodbye as Paris, Nicole, & grinning Mohammed³ climb into martyrdom Buick. Paris slams door & insurgents dive for cover.
LEADER: Don't slam door!!
Insurgents wave as car pulls away.
PARIS:  Bye guys! Bye-bye!
NICOLE: What does that mean anyway, 'achieve martyrdom'?
PARIS: Who knows. Let's just hope there's boutiques. God, I HATE this.

Posted by Jeff at 05:58 AM | Comments (30)

February 28, 2005

WARD CHURCHILL GRIEF-A-THON

What I really admire about Ward Churchill is his voracious appetite for grief:

"I mourn the victims of the Sept. 11 attacks, just as I mourn the deaths of those Iraqi children, the more than 3 million people killed in the war in Indochina, those who died in the U.S. invasions of Grenada, Panama & elsewhere in Central America, the victims of the transatlantic slave trade & the indigenous peoples still subjected to genocidal policies."

Wow. Such an awesome talent for grieving is surely beyond most of us. However, as a certified hypochondriac, I long ago learned that in order to maximize my worrying, it helped to make a schedule. This can easily be adapted to help manage your grieving for humanity, & perhaps approach the saintly angst of Mr. Churchill.

Here then is your grieving schedule for the week. Or as as Ward Churchill might call it, your grief quota:

MONDAY	Mourn for 6 million victims of Holocaust. 100 million slaughtered by Communists,  millions slaughtered by Aztecs, Mongols, Huns, Saddam Hussein, Idi Amin, Mobutu, Mugabe, Khmer Rouge, Mengistu, Seiko Toure, victims of Arab slave trade, + 4 American workers in Iraq eulogized by Markos Zuniga
TUESDAY	Mourn billions dead of old age, millions of species wiped out by unregulated volcanoes, disco, Llama Butchers, Kyoto, Old Europe, Uday & Whoozit, NHL, Bambi's mother, the Mets, Brad & Jenn, gay marriage, merlot, Broadway
WEDNESDAY	Mourn unjustly cancelled soaps: the late great Santa Barbara, Sunset Beach, Dark Shadows (& Dark Shadows redux), Edge of Night. Ashley Bashioum, fired from Young & the Restless. Austin Peck, fired from Days of our Lives. Deceased soap stars Grayson Hall, MacDonald Carey, Gerald Anthony, Brenda Benet
THURSDAY	Advance mourning: Brittany Spears, Fidel Castro, Revenge of the Sith, Boy Assad, Arrested Development, Kelly Clarkson, Orlando Bloom, Jason Giambi, J-Lo & Marc Anthony, Kofi Annan, Seattle Mariners, Hillary 2008, MSNBC, Beautiful Atrocities
FRIDAY	Ben Affleck, bagels, Princess Diana, Al Qaeda, persecution of Martha Stewart, Kate Winslet (robbed of Oscar by horse-faced liberal Helen Hunt), Kiera Knightley movies, Cojo (another victim of Katie Couric), the heartbreak of male pattern baldness, LaToya London (kicked off American Idol while that red-headed kid stayed on)
SATURDAY	Mourn Ward Churchill, who after all is being unfairly singled out for persecution. Aside from his candor, little distinguishes him in the sewer of politically correct conformism that is academe, where ideology, identity politics, ethnicity - even faux-ethnicity - have long supplanted scholarship. Ethnic studies is a toilet & Ward Churchill is the attendant

See also University of Colorado Grants Churchill Pilot's License; Killers of the 20th Century; International Atrocity Day; Megamurderers

Posted by Jeff at 06:12 AM | Comments (35)

February 22, 2005

LOOK AT MY CHEST WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU!

Obnoxious t-shirts from T-shirt Hell:

WHO NEEDS BIG TITS WHEN YOU HAVE AN ASS LIKE THIS?

COULD YOU COME BACK IN A FEW BEERS?

I WAS MOLESTED BY MICHAEL JACKSON & ALL I GOT WAS THIS LOUSY T-SHIRT WITH MY MILLION BUCKS

I ONLY SUPPORT GAY MARRIAGE IF BOTH CHICKS ARE HOT

I DONATED MY HYMEN TO TSUNAMI RELIEF

RAPE IS NO LAUGHING MATTER, UNLESS YOU'RE RAPING A CLOWN

I LIKE MY WOMEN LIKE MY COFFEE; GROUND UP & IN THE FREEZER

MACE JUST MAKES ME HORNIER

IF YOU THINK MY SHIRT IS TIGHT...

IS IT PEDOPHILIA IF THE KID IS DEAD?

GREETINGS FROM IRAQ (click at your own risk)

And for babies:

FUTURE MRS. TRUMP

I TORE MOMMY A NEW ONE

NOW THAT I'M SAFE, I'M PRO-CHOICE

ARE YOU MY DADDY?

BROKEN CONDOM

Posted by Jeff at 08:09 AM | Comments (19)

February 21, 2005

SANDRA DEE 1943 - 2005

'I was a junior Doris Day for years' - Sandra Dee

Real name: Alexandra Cymboliak Zuck. Married to: Bobby Darin

"Her breakthrough role was Imitation of Life in '59 alongside Lana Turner; supposedly Natalie Wood was the preferred choice for Sandra's part, but as a veteran of 20 movies already, Natalie may have been too pricey. NY Times said Imitation of Life was "probably Sandra's finest sustained performance in certainly the most important of all her films." For 15-year-old Sandy, 2 huge hits quickly followed: A Summer Place with Troy Donahue, & Gidget with James Darren & Cliff Robertson." - Swingin Chicks of the Sixties

"Sandra has round, dark eyes & a very dark brown eyebrow pencil furthers the effect.  She uses a stormy blue shadow & black mascara. Just as she likes the effect of outlined eyes, Sandra likes her mouth rimmed in a bright color. For instance, she outlines her mouth with brilliant orange, then fills in with a lighter shade such as orange ice, or dark red with light pink. Sandra's soft, tousled hair is just perfect for her & for your own busy life. The secret is that Sandra doesn't part her hair, '& the wind combs it,' says Sandra, '& helps give it that tousled look'." Photoplay 1959

"Went & saw them film my movie. . . . God was it ever stupid to see Sandra Dee play my role. . . . All the actors looked like complete fagits." Diary entry June 30, 1958 by Kathy Zuckerman, aka the real Gidget

Sandra Dee dies at 62; Ultimate Sandra Dee Website

Posted by Jeff at 05:36 PM | Comments (2)

February 14, 2005

Dear Oprah,

I see you're having another big show about how you lost the weight & how I can too. I think this is a bad idea, because you've done these shows about 5000 times before, usually right before you blow up like one of those self-inflating life rafts. I'm just saying.

Your friend,
Jeff

Posted by Jeff at 01:12 PM | Comments (5)

February 03, 2005

BUSH SENDING PAULA ABDUL TO IRAQ AS MEDIATOR

Citing her experience as a conciliator & cheerleader, President Bush nominated American Idol judge Paula Abdul as Special Envoy to Iraq to negotiate with Abu al Zarqawi's Baathist/jihadi/repressed homosexual insurgents. Bush: "Miss Abdul is a fine upstanding American who's shown she can confront evil, whether it be Emilio Estevez, Simon Cowell, or Clay Aiken."

Response from Democrats was swift. Former Klansman Robert Byrd: "I don't believe in mixing with the Negro race." (Abdul is actually of Syrian ancestry.)  Barbara Boxer called Abdul "a big fat liar," noting that she'd electronically altered the video of Promise of a New Day to make herself appear skinnier.

Ted Kennedy was also miffed, having been axed from the first round of American Idol with his rendition of Rock Me Amadeus.  Kennedy countered by nominating Queen Latifah, whom, he noted, at least has a fake Arab name. (A spokesman for Latifah said Kennedy was 'out of his f*cking mind.')

Iraq's Sunnis reacted with horror, insisting their country has suffered enough without having 'that Glitter bimbo' inflicted on them. (Informed that Abdul & Mariah Carey are not one & the same, Sunnis remained wary). Shia cleric Grand Ayatollah Sistani said he was 'most eager' for a private meeting with Ms. Abdul, wanting to know 'did she still do that Nasty Girl thing.'

See also LA Laker girls; Sen. Byrd KKK Lifetime Achievement Award; Petition: Take American Idol off the Air ("Listening to all the faggy singing on that queer show makes me want to stab myself")

Posted by Jeff at 07:43 AM | Comments (7)

February 01, 2005

I CAN'T STAND IT....

Via The Frank

Posted by Jeff at 04:38 PM | Comments (13)

OUR LADY OF CRACK COCAINE

screenshots COURTESY OUR DAILY RIPA. REGIS & KELLY TAPES USED AS INTERROGATION TOOL AT GITMO

We've all spent time with someone who was cranked up, coked out, or cracked off, usually in rather intimate circumstances. So WTF is up with Kelly Ripa?? Has there been a more deranged dervish on daytime TV? The crazed mugging, the strobe-light mood swings, the wild gesticulations like she's guiding planes in at LaGuardia. Poor Regis never had a chance.

You have to pity the sap, he endured 15 years of chirpy vampire Kathie Lee Gifford, only to find himself paired with the Madwoman of Chaillot. Now the poor guy can't get a word in edgewise. Soon Ripa will kill him, probably right on the air, & be done with it.

Oddly, Ripa showed no signs of incipient madness on All My Children. She played weepy whiner Hayley Vaughan, although she had a wonderfully trashy mother (Olivia Birkelund). Suffice it to say, Susan Lucci had no cause to complain about Ripa stealing her scenes, unlike certain other costars. HA! Lucci barely escaped with her life! In just a couple of years, Ripa would morph into a marauding ogress who could steal scenes from Godzilla.

At least Ripa admits she's cranked to the gills. Yet people love her! Our Daily Ripa is just one of gajillions of Ripa fan sites run by demented Ripettes, chronicling Ripa's deranged histrionics. Others:  

Kelly Ripa Movie Diva: "I am a HUGE fan of Kelly's. Boy can this girl Act. What Can't she do. She can Act on soaps, do talk shows. MY God she even does Movies. Mrs. Ripa is SOOO talented. She is One of the Greatest. I Love to see her in stuff besides AMC. Kelly Ripa is One Talenetd [sic] gal. And Boy is this the place to be!"

Kelly Ripa Fan for Life: "If you are an extreme diehard Kelly Ripa fan, then join this group!"

Kelly Ripa Online: Incorrectly lists birthday as Oct. 2, 1999. HELLO - she may act like a five year old, but in fact she's 35.

AMC Kelly Ripa 2001: "This is a club for the wonderful Kelly Ripa, & even her gorgueous [sic] husband Mark Conceoulous [sic]. Enjoy!"

Fluffy Reads: Book club for "anything Oprah would never even consider for her book club & Kelly Ripa would love."

Kelly Ripa Cathedral: "Kelly is a goddess!!"

Kelly Ripa Rules: "Kelley [sic] kicks butt & is so deserving of all the attention she can get."

The Consuelos Family: "A group for Kelly Ripa, Mark Consuelos & their 3 beautiful children Michael, Lola and Joaquin."

Rip Head: "This site is devoted to the lovely actresses Kelly Ripa, Alyssa Milano, & Drew Barrymore!" Members: 6

Kelly Ripa Fan Page: "Our new group picture is of Kelly's adorable children Michael, Lola, & Joaquin Consuelos! Aren't they just so cute?!"

Kelly Ripa Haven: "The site that stood firm before the imitations came about...you'll find the latest on Kelly here."

Read Kelly's $27M contract & weep. Kelly Shows How She Keeps Mark Happy. It's Good to be Kelly Ripa

Posted by Jeff at 06:36 AM | Comments (12)

January 29, 2005

AS THE HIJAB TURNS

EGYPTIAN ACTOR AHMED AL-FISHAWY & HIND EL-HINNAWY

Egypt has been rocked by a real-life soap opera, in which a pious soap star has been hit with a very public paternity suit. Hind el-Hinnawy says she & Ahmed al-Fishawy met on a TV set & had an urfi marriage, an unregistered contract often used as cover for affairs.

In a Sharia court, Hinnawy's testimony would only count for ½ that of Fishawy's. Instead, she's taken him to civil court & asked for a DNA test (he's so far refused). The case is remarkable for Egypt because of Hinnawy's shocking candor, & the fact that Fishawy is a public moralist & follower of Amr Khaled, a charismatic Muslim televangelist. The cast:

Ahmed al-Fishawy. 24yo actor known for public piety. Son of actor Farouq al-Fishawy. Famous for role in soap Amma Nour (Auntie Nour), sitcom Shabab Online (Arab Friends, which he left for religious reasons; first-ever Arab sitcom), & host of Yalla Ya Shabab (Let's Go, Kids), in which he dispensed advice to Muslim youth.

On his faith: "It doesn't mean that I won't play someone who smokes, drinks, steals or does drugs. I can play someone who does all of that as long as the plot shows that those actions will lead to harm."

Hind el-Hinnawy. 27yo costume designer. Daughter of university professors. Says met on set of sitcom Baba Geh (When Daddy Returned). Refused to have abortion. "I am trying to say to other people, not only girls, to try to have the courage to be responsible for what you do. People prefer that a woman live a psychologically troubled life; that doesn't matter as long as it doesn't become a scandal."

Amr Khaled. 36yo 'neofundamentalist' televangelist sensation, popular in elite society. Criticized as Rasputin of Egypt, 'sheikh of chic'. Enemies include both Egyptian govt & militant Islamic groups. Embraced by educated youth as alternative to Saudi Wahabism. Driven from Egypt due to popularity (rumored to have embarrassed unveiled First Lady Suzanne Mubarak when daughter-in-law took up hijab after hearing Khaled's tapes).

Khaled parable: "2 young women head to the mall, but the more religious insists on visiting the mosque first. As they listen to the sermon, the unveiled woman starts to cry, &  asks for a head scarf. Later that day, she is killed by a car. Fortunately, she has renewed her commitment to Islam."

See also Human Rights Watch report on women in Egypt. Farouq al-Fishawy Refuses Role of Homosexual Journalist. From Amr Diab to Amr Khaled. Via Big Pharoah

Posted by Jeff at 11:55 AM | Comments (6)

January 25, 2005

BEAUTIFUL ATROCITIES GUIDE TO LATIN SOAPS

Latin soap stars Barbara Mori, Carlos Ponce, Thalia, Murilo Benicio, & Natalia Oriero

Latin soaps are arguably the most popular entertainment on the planet, captivating audiences of hundreds of millions not just in Latin America, but the US, Russia, China, Eastern Europe, Africa, Indonesia, etc. Unlike American soaps, telenovelas are the Hollywood of Latin America (which has little film industry), the actors superstars. When dubbed & serialized, these luminaries become international sensations (Salma Hayek became a star in 1989's Teresa)

Latin soaps air in primetime, run  for one season, & almost always spawn hit songs. While American soaps don't travel well, there's something archetypal about Latin soaps that audiences all over the world find irresistible, whether it's Mexico's florid sudsers, Brazil's racy melodramas (which feature things like lesbian vampires), or the sophisticated serials of Colombia & Argentina. A brief intro:

SIMPLEMENTE MARIA (Argentina, 1967) Archetypal soap about poor & beautiful seamstress who comes to big city, is ruined by rich pendejo, but takes literacy classes & overcomes obstacles through faith & Singer sewing machines. Starred Irma Roy (r.) who later became powerful Peronista politician. Has been remade 5 times. During Peruvian version 1969, 10,000 people gathered in Lima plaza for Maria's wedding.

Academic study in Peru noted show's effects: "1) sales of Singer sewing machines soared wherever shown; 2) enrollment in adult literacy classes rose; 3) rural-to-urban migration rose." Mexican version 1989 starred Victoria Ruffo (real name Victoria Eugenia Guadalupe Martines del Rio Moreno Fayad), played to huge audience in Russia.

ESCRAVA ISAURA (Isaura the Slave, Brazil 1976) Based on 1875 Bernardo Guimaraes abolitionist novel about white slave, made intl star of Lucilia Santos. Played in 95 countries. Watched by 450 million in China. Santos first foreign actress to win Golden Eagle Prize in China. Video.

LOS RICOS TAMBIEN LLORAN (The Rich Cry Too, Mexico 1979) Veronica Castro starred as Mariana in weepy sudser about maid who falls for rich employer's son, is dumped, goes nuts, loses child, etc. Best Telenovela 1979. In 1992, syndicated to post-Communist Russia where it was a sensation, drawing 100 million viewers. Video trailer featuring Veronica Castro & her great big hair.

Pravda reported warring Georgian & Abkhazian soldiers arranged truce at hours show aired so they could watch. Theme song: Aprendi a llorar. Castro's son is pop star Cristian Castro. Archenemy: Lucia Mendez

TU O NADIE (Mexico, 1985) Diva Lucia Mendez as Raquel, a simple but pneumatic girl who falls in love with a mysterious stranger who's not all he seems to be. Syndicated in China, Cypress, Germany (Ruf de Herzens), Italy (Cuori di Pietra), Lebanon, Malaysia, Romania, Russia (Nikto, krome tebya), Poland, USA (No One But You), Zambia. Hit theme song: Corazaon de Piedra.

BAILA CONMIGO (Mexico, 1992) Mexican Grease set in 1950s, with pop bombshell Paulina Rubio improbably cast as wallflower vying for Rafael Rojas with Bibi Gaytan. Was voted Worst Telenova of 1992

KASSANDRA (Venezuela, 1993) Coraima Torres stars in switched-baby tale of girl raised by Gypsies, only to unknowingly marry step-brother. Guiness Book of World Records for telenovela broadcast in most countries: 128. In Indonesia, govt warned that absenteeism from work for purpose of watching Kassandra unacceptable. Townspeople of Kucevo, Serbia, wrote letter to Venezuelan govt & cc'd Slobodan Milosovic: "We know Kassandra's innocent & we want her trial stopped!

#1 show in Bosnia, yanked off the air in TV power struggle, restored with help of US State Dept, which said "Sometimes one needs to help them fill up the air with what must be perceived a perfectly good soap opera." Photogallery of Coraima Torres' publicity tour to Bulgaria

MARIMAR (Mexico, 1994) Megasuccessful vehicle for pop star Thalia playing improbably gorgeous peasant. Featured talking dog. Most successful of Thalia's soaps. Others: Maria Mercedes (1992), Maria la del Barrio (1995), Rosalinda (1998), all of which spawned hit songs.

MariMar intl hit: "During Ramadan some of the mosques in Abidjan decided to bring forward prayer time. When Marimar comes on, everything stops in Côte d’Ivoire." Thalia received in Manila by President like foreign head of state.

In 2000, Thalia married Sony Records honcho Tommy Mottola in $350,000 wedding dress with 52ft train. Crossover CD tanked. Archenemy: Paulina Rubio. (Teens Thalia, Paulina Rubio, & Bibi Gaytan in Menudo-like group Timberiche, which ended in wild onstage catfight. This year, Paulina outraged Thalia by crashing her Greatest Hits CD party.)

DOS MUJERES, UN CAMINO (2 Women, 1 Path, Mexico, 1994) Aka the soap Erik Estrada had to learn Spanish for. #1 rated megatrashy melodrama with Estrada torn between Bibi Gaytan & drag idol Laura Leon aka the Mexican Cher. Cameo by Tex-Mex singer Selena, later slain by demented fan. Kitschy theme song is staple in gay Latin discos. Video: Laura Leaon in latex dress. Laura Leon also starred in equally trashy El Premio Mayor (voted Worst Telenovela 1996)

CAFE CON AROMA DE MUJER (Colombia, 1994) Guy Ecker (born in Brazil to American parents) & Margarita Rosa de Francisco starred in story set in coffee plantations of Colombia, featuring vallenato music (popularized by pop star/soap hunk Carlos Vives). Most successful soap in Columbian history.

NADA PERSONAL (Mexico, 1996) Ana Colchero & Jose Angel Llamas starred in hit soap that brought new realism to telenovelas, dealing with drug trafficking, police corruption, & Mexico's soaring crime rate.

BETTY LA FEA (Ugly Betty, Colombia 2000) Ana Maria Orozco starred in hilarious, smash-hit soap about accident-prone, dowdy secretary who outsmarts her bosses. Opposite of usual light-skinned blonde novela bimbos. When Betty was offered a bribe, network deluged with calls & newspaper columnist begged Betty 'not to be swallowed by corruption'.

In Ecuador, Congress suspended late-night debate to watch. Watched by over 80 million in US & Latin America. Spawned comic strip, doll, & cartoon series. ng theme, Yo Soy Betty, La Fea. Sequel tanked.

O CLONE (The Clone, Brazil, 2001) Love story about Brazilian youth & Muslim girl, filmed partly in Morocco, dealt with polygamy, arranged marriages, & drug addiction. Ministry of Health acknowledged O Clon did more for prevention & treatment of drug dependency than government campaigns. Screenwriters inserted testimony from real-life drug addicts between scenes. Stars Giovanna Antonelli & Murilo Benicio (in 3 roles). First Brazilian soap shown in US with English subtitles.

RUBI (Mexico, 2004) Remake of 1968 serial, distinguished by the fact that heroine is rapacious BITCH who will stop at nothing. Stars Uruguayan / Japanese bombshell Barbara Mori.  See also Soaps with a Latin Scent ; Telenovelas in Latin America ; Love, Tears, Betrayal, & Health Messages

Posted by Jeff at 11:45 AM | Comments (54)

December 14, 2004

ABSINTHE: THE NEW CHIC

Notorious bitter liqueur. Key ingredients: anise & artemesia absinthium (wormwood). Wormwood is parasiticide, effective against malaria, & contains thujone, relative of THC. Reputed to have mind-altering & aphrodisiac properties. Traditional serving: place slotted spoon with sugar cube on it over shot of absinthe, pour water over sugar. (Louche refers to how absinthe turns milky when water added.)

Invented 1792, sold as cure-all. Nickname: La Fee Verte. Used by French soldiers in Algeria to ward off malaria. Sales took off with wine blight of 1870. Banned in Switzerland in 1910, US in 1912.

Banned in France in 1915, due partly to pressure from wine industry (French absinthe 1910: 32 million litres). Part of bad rap from unscrupulous manufacturers adding copper to intensify green color (toxic). Famous absinthe drinkers: Baudelaire, Manet, Rimbaud, Poe, Wilde, Lautrec, Van Gogh, Gaugin.

Legal in Spain, Denmark, Portugal; Switzerland in 2005. US: only legal if contains no thujone (ie, made from artemesia vulgaris, which is not wormwood but motherwort). Customs can seize absinthe with thujone, but they probably won't find it. Some brands:

La Fee Absinthe France. 68% alcohol. Created from 19th Century recipe. Contains thujone. Comes with absinthe spoon. Can be used in Absinthe Cookies. 36£

La Fee Bohemian France. 70% alcohol. Contains thujone. Czech style, less anise than French, suitable for cocktails. Traditional method in Bohemia: Dip tsp sugar in absinthe, light sugar so it caramelizes, stir. Put out fire if absinthe ignites. Add water. $57

Absinthe King of Spirits. Czech Republic. Lethal, close to original. 70% alcohol. 100mg thujone. $199/bottle. Vendor also sells Cannibis Vodka (marijuana seeds in bottle).

Serpis 65. Blood red absinthe from Spain. 65% alcohol, 9mg thujone. Turns apricot with water. Little anise taste.

Jade Verte. Switzerland. Alcohol 65%. Claims recreation of original recipe. Contains thujone. Apertif & digestive. 83ε

Versinthe la Blanche. Clear absinthe from Provence. Alcohol 57%. 30 mg thujone. Sometimes burnt & drunk as shot so thujone effect stronger. 24ε

Mata Hari. Austria. Anise free. Recipe dates from 1881. Contains wormwood, sage, lemon balm, violet, Muskat, chamomile, & other herbs. Particularly high oil portion (Artemisia Absinthium). 60% alcohol. High thujone. 24ε

Hapsburg 85. Italy. "Power absinthe," as in, 85% alcohol. Originally made in Bulgaria, where they don't mess around when it comes to hooch.

See also Virtual absinthe museum; Absinthe recipes

Posted by Jeff at 10:44 AM | Comments (2)

November 30, 2004

SURVECTOR: THE ORGASM DRUG

I'm no fan of the corrupt bureaucrats at the FDA. In particular, I think drugs widely tested & prescribed in Europe but not vetted by the FDA should be available in the US with that caveat. Let the public decide for themselves.

An interesting case is the drug Survector, a novel tricyclic antidepressant which was marketed by Servier in France & widely prescribed in Europe. Unlike serotonin reuptake blockers like Prozac, Survector is a dopamine reuptake blocker & mild psychomotor stimulant. Among its effects:

Clinical trials tested favorably against imipramine, Ludiomil, Elavil, & Prozac

Its psychomotor stimulant effect resulted in a rapid onset of treatment, critical in severe depression, & a drawback of SSRIs & older tricyclics which can take 6 to 8 weeks for onset

Of particular use in depression of the elderly

Did not cause sexual dysfunction endemic to SSRIs (which can exacerbate depression), enhanced orgasms, & reported to cause spontaneous orgasms

Because of the latter as well as its mild psychomotor stimulant effect, Survector was deemed to have abuse potential (clearly not the case with side-effect rich drugs like Prozac). Survector's EC license was withdrawn in 1999. Yet studies of dependence (here & here) showed that those most at risk were people with serious psychiatric disorders & histories of substance abuse (duh).

There were also cases of hepatotoxicity (perhaps due to genetic predisposition). Alcohol, of course, has abuse potential & causes liver damage, but don't look for it to be withdrawn from the market. As it shouldn't: why should a minority of substance abusers set public policy?

The orgasm effect also engages America's Puritanical pleasure phobia. MDMA (street name Ecstacy) is a valuable drug that's been useful in PTSD & psychotherapy, but due its being scheduled is now almost impossible for scientists to study. Its misuse by kids doesn't change its potential usefulness.

Footnote: Survector's manufacturer Servier is now offering a related compound Tianeptine, which shows promise.

Posted by Jeff at 09:22 AM | Comments (0)

November 27, 2004

PEOPLE ARE TALKING ABOUT ALEXANDER

FARRAH LIVES: Colin Farrell in a dress, & Leif Garrett

Colin Farrell on getting hammered: "America was built on the idea of freedom of speech & that's a wonderful thing. But I think some of the critics are being very hard."

Nancy boy/Greek crybaby Yannis Varnakos: "We cannot come out & say that President Kennedy was a shooting guard for the Los Angeles Lakers & so Warner cannot come out & say Alexander was gay."

Oliver Stone: "I did feel a responsibility to history in this film that I didn't feel about JFK."

Reviewer Gary Arnold: "Oliver Stone has gotten in touch with his inner Pedro Almodovar."

Narrator Anthony Hopkins in unfortunate howler: "It is said that Alexander was never conquered in his lifetime except by Hephaistion's thighs."

Reviewer Wesley Morris: "Alexander is full of brilliant highlights, & they're all in Colin Farrell's hair."

Reviewer Jeffrey Westhoff on Angelina Jolie: "The silliest Russian accent since Boris wooed Natasha."

Reviewer Mark Hinson on Angelina Jolie: "Speaks in a crazy Romanian dialect that makes Bela Lugosi sound Midwestern."

Reviewer Tim Knight on Angelina Jolie: "Delivers her lines in an accent she apparently picked up from a fake gypsy fortune teller on Hollywood Boulevard."

Reviewer Jeff Vice on Angelina Jolie: "Sure to become a camp classic. Hilariously awful."

Reviewer Melora Kopke: "Why does Angelina Jolie talk like her teeth are wired shut?"

Colin Farrell on Angelina Jolie: "God she's such a brilliant actor!"

Reviewer Stephen Hunter on Angelina Jolie: "Really, words fail me here. With all her crazed posturing and slinking, it's more of a silent movie performance than one from the sound era. Theda Bara, call your agent."

Angelina Jolie on the sociopolitical import of Alexander: "The movie raises questions & gets people looking at how we approach entering other cultures, what we do against them, what we do when we don't understand them."

Oliver Stone on the deep meaning of Alexander: "I started this before all this nightmare came down, this morass. This is pre-Muslim, there was always a conflict between Persian & Greek. Alexander was beautiful because he saw beyond that conflict into a synthesis. I'm not so sure our present administration does."

And again: "Alexander would have gone after Osama bin Laden. IÂ’m sorry, but Kerry was right."

Reviewer Barry Caine: "Love that eyeliner."

Reviewer John Hartl: "Aristotle warns that the Middle East has a way of 'swallowing up' those who invade it. The movie canÂ’t help but validate that prediction."

Reviewer William Arnold: "Boldly acted, absorbing, & satisfying."

Gore Vidal on Alexander's bisexuality: "Movies are always the last to register changes in society & this movie does it." Do you agree? Who do YOU think is always the last to register changes in society?

	Movies
	DNC leadership
	Kmart Spring Collection
	Llama Butchers
	Dan Rather
	Fat old expatriate queens

See also Alexandermania; Victor Davis Hanson: Culling from Mediocrity; Feathered Back Hair: The Farrah

UPDATE: Apparently the Director's Cut, containing 4 hours of previously unseen footage, really does rock.

Posted by Jeff at 01:35 PM | Comments (0)

October 28, 2004

ASIAN AESTHETIQUE

Hong Kong pop star Faye Wong in upcoming sci-fi movie 2046; Ruan Lingyu, the Chinese Garbo: when she took fatal overdose in 1935 at age 25, 3 women committed suicide during 3-mile long funeral procession & NY Times ran front page story as 'the most spectacular funeral of the century'

Mark Cousins has a sensational overview of Asian cinema, arguing that its current energy & artistry puts it at the forefront of world film. Michael Moore's schlockfest may have copped the Palme d'Or, but this year's Cannes was mesmerized by 4 Asian films: House of Flying Daggers, Zhang Yimou's sensual Hero followup; 2046, Wong Kar Wai's Bladerunner-noir; Nobody Knows, an urban fairy tale from Japan; & Tropical Malady, a homoerotic Zen fable from Thailand.

Cousins details the 100-year panorama of Asian cinema - largely unknown in the West - & the influence of Buddhist, Tao, & Hindu aesthetics on the films of China, Japan, & India. Among the great directors profiled: Yuan Muzhi, Kenji Mizoguchi, Mikio Naruse, Yasujiro Ozu, Mehboob Khan, Bu Wancang.

Predictably, Hollywood is turning Japanese, with 7 American versions of Asian hits in the works, including:

• Tom Cruise in remake of Hong Kong horror hit The Eye
• Scorsese is remaking crime thriller Infernal Affairs, possibly with Brad Pitt
• Jennifer Connelly in remake of Dark Water, supernatural tale by Hideo Nakata (The Ring)
• Gurinder Chadha (Bend it Like Beckham) is remaking Korean comedy My Wife is a Gangster with Queen Latifah

Cousin's article makes me eager to read his brand new book, The Story of Film

Posted by Jeff at 11:39 AM | Comments (0)

August 30, 2004

VIDEO KILLED THE JIHADI WARRIOR

Ayman Al-Atar, the Libyan Clay Aikan

Osama bin Laden's worst enemy may not be George Bush, but 20-year-old Libyan dental student Ayman al Atar, who won the Superstar 2004 contest in last nite's finale of the pan-Arab Idol, beating out Palestinian heartthrob Ammar Hassan. More than 10 million people watched the show & 3.2 million cast votes, choosing Ayman, 54% to 46%.

Controversy raged during the final week of voting when Superstar fan Colonel Gaddafi launched an expensive PR blitz for Ayman and outraged Palestinians by announcing free phone access to Libyans for voting. Rumors spread that Libya - once the Palestinians' friend - was in league with Syria, whose candidate lost last month (Hassan was favored by Syria's nemesis, Jordan).

Ayman made his TV debut at age 9, singing that Libyan toe-tapper Watani ya Watani (Oh My Nation). Last week, Gaddafi whisked the 2 finalists to Tripoli, where his private jet was met by a bubbly crowd of groupies shrieking Ayman! Ayman! Last nite, the 2 singers appeared, each wrapped in the other's national flag, as Ayman took over from Superstar 2003 Diana Karazon of Jordan, who fainted during last year's run-up.

This is an entertaining story that also strikes me as important. One reason for the show's enormous popularity is that it offers Arabs a rare taste of democracy. Rami Khori, Beirut Daily Star editor: "Arab people don't often get a chance to vote for something and have their vote count. People really think they can vote and affect the outcome, which isn't the case in political elections."

The show's success signals that a younger generation of Arabs are rejecting the Puritanical Islam of the jihadis & are hungry for the freewheeling energy of pop culture. Hamas thugs broke up last week's Gaza gathering of Idol watchers, issuing a snippy statement that Palestinians were in need of resistance fighters, not 'singers, corruption mongers, & advocates of immorality.' Arafat pointedly ignored this, making a public endorsement of Hassan (r.).

Hamas may find pop culture a more formidable opponent than the IDF. Hassan's father: "We've had problems here for years. We've had fighting and bloodshed. To each his own. Some fight for Palestine. My son sings for Palestine."

Posted by Jeff at 08:52 AM | Comments (0)

August 23, 2004

TOP OF THE ARAB POPS

Superstar 2004 finalists Ayman Attar of Libya & Palestinian pinup Ammar Hassan

Last nite's showdown on Superstar 2004, the official pan-Arab Idol, saw boyish Ayman Attar of Libya take on Palestinian heartthrob Ammar Hassan. The winner will be anointed on next Sunday's show, when hefty Diana Karazon of Jordan, Superstar 2003, passes the torch.

In what has to be a good sign, Hassan fever has swept the West Bank & Gaza, replacing the previous fad, suicide bombing. Even Yassar Arafat is a fan, phoning Hassan last week to say "You are a Palestinian struggler of a different type and we are proud of you." While thousands of Palestinians arrested for terrorism wage a hunger strike, Palestinian-Americans are increasingly returning to the West Bank, where sales are up 25% in Ramallah, which just staged the first Palestinian musical, "Fawanees" ("Lanterns"), based on Ghassan Kanafani's children's book "Al-Qandeel Al-Saghir".

(Kanafani was spokesman for the Popular Front for the Liberation of Palestine and was assassinated in Beirut in 1972.)

Hassan: "I want to reflect a human image of the Palestinian people, that despite all the difficulties we face, we exist, that there are people like me, and that creativity is our weapon."

Amin Abdel Karim, 34, from Hassan's hometown of Salfit, says Hassan's success has brought hope to them. "I now can see that there is a space for joyng up. Endless talk of victimization is becoming passe. We want to live." Not everyone is amused tho; an official for Hamas - which is something of a No-Fun Zone - sniffed "Our people are in need of heroes, resistance fighters, and contributors to building the country and are not in need of singers, corruption-mongers, and advocates of immorality."

The photogenic Hassan, 27, was born in Kuwait, where he lived till he was 14. When the Gulf War broke out, his father wisely moved the family back to the West Bank. Hassan began to sing in high school, attended the College of Fine Arts in Al Najah, and spent the last 5 years singing at the Dubai Marine Hotel, where a Superstar organizer spotted him. He was one of 6000 who tried out for this year's competition, becoming one of 17 finalists, & was an instant hit with his date-soft eyes & deep, ululating voice which brings women to tears.

Hassan: "It is hard to keep a wide smile on my face while my people are getting killed by the Israeli occupation forces. I could never forget the scenes of two children being killed at a checkpoint in the West Bank."

The Palestinian phone company is offering a 20% discount for this final week of voting. Advice to Libya's Ayman Attar if he wins: Dude, watch your back. See Ammar Hassan Official Website.

Posted by Jeff at 01:15 PM | Comments (0)

August 21, 2004

BJORK

Birds of a feather: Bjork & Yma Sumac

NAME: Bjork Gudmundsdóttir
LOVE CHILD OF: Yma Sumac, Voice of the Xtabay
WHAT IS SHE: Howler Monkey
WHO IS SHE: Name means birch in Icelandic. Born 1965 in Reykjavik, parents had been together since they were 14. Mother divorced, moved into hippie commune with daughter. Released album when she was 11 which sold 7000 copies, more than entire population of Iceland. Masturbates every day. Beat the shit out of Thai bitch who shoved microphone in son's face. Five days later, received acid bomb from obsessed fan who videotaped himself blowing his brains out to Bjork song I Miss You. Favorite actor: Beat Takeshi. Favorite soup: Tom Ka Kai. New CD: Medulla.

I actually like Bjork and her Audrey-Hepburn-does-Bladerunner chic, as long as I don't have to listen to her. She manages to be outrageously funny while taking herself way too seriously, or maybe it was just all those hippies & shooting stars. All Bjork wisdom culled from extensive and frankly excessive interview collection at this Bjork Fan Page

ON FIONA APPLE: "Oh, I hate Fiona, Fiona is the most ridiculous thing in the world."

ON PUBERTY: "I remember being underneath my duvet at the age of 12, fantasising about Kate Bush."

ON WHINING: "I'm not doing the Kurt Cobain, or anything. I'm not saying, Oh, poor old me. No f*cking way. Look at me, I'm a lucky c*nt, you know?"

ON MADONNA (for whom she wrote Bedtime Stories): "There have been several occasions when it has been self-evident for us to meet, but my instinct always told me the situation would get bothersome and faked. She seems to be all brains and no instinct, even if it obviously can't be so, since she has gotten herself to where she is now. But in the daily life it seems as if she isn't aware of her subconscious, as silly as it may sound. I have tried to avoid her, as much as I could."

ON SPONTANEITY: "I don't think you can rehearse singing. It's like rehearsing sex, like going to your boyfriend and saying, OK, let's first rehearse for half an hour and then have some sex."

ON GEEK LOVE: "I love Carl Sagan. He would go and discover strange galaxies, which encouraged me to search for that certain song no one's ever heard before."

ON ICELAND: "We have no art, no music, no dance in Iceland. Literature is the thing. Stories, poems, hymns. Icelanders were the first rappers in Europe, we told stories about the Vikings and the kings of the northern Europe and kept them alive that way. But it took until the 14th century before anyone wrote it down."

ON WOODWINDS: "There's nothing I hate more than saxophones."

ON BEAT TAKESHI: "I think his films are very funny, like he's taking the piss out of violence. I fancy him."

ON INTEGRITY: "99 percent of the people out there haven't got the guts to be who they are."

ON ART, OPTIMISM, & ELLA FITZGERALD: "I've always liked Ella because she's really happy. I've never been into all these suffering artists, I think it's a bit pathetic. You have your problems, but you have to go one step further, and see the funny side of it. Everybody has problems, not only Morrissey. That's why I've always preferred Ella to Billie, even though Billie is the singer of the century and all that shit, but I think it's much braver to be happy than to be suffering, taking heroin and all that. Ella was strong enough not to bore the audience with her own difficult life."

ON HER SPECIAL SCENT: "I've decided not to talk about that now because I don't want anyone nicking my smell off me."

ON SPRING ONIONS: "I love the spring. I feel like 10 spring onions are going to burst out of my chest like in Alien. Do you know that feeling?"

ON GEORGES BATAILLE'S Story of the Eye: "It changed my life. Books like that proved to me that I wasn't mad."

ON MODERATION: "When I get drunk, I get drunk. Vodka by the bottle. That's the kind of culture I come from. We don't sip drink, we f*cking drink it. You go all the way, otherwise you're a wimp. It has a lot to do with the weather. You're always either very sober or very drunk."

ON ABBA: "The Sugarcubes wanted Benny and Bjorn to produce our second album, but they didn't want to. We were naturally upset."

ON GETTING NO RESPECT: "I've done gigs in Iceland that have been ridiculous because people know you and when you're singing, they're shouting, Hey, you didn't make your English degree! Your uncle is f*cking my niece!"

ON BEING PRECOCIOUS: "One day I didn't want to get out of bed so I cut a hole in my bedsheet, put it over my head and went to school like that."

ON LILITH FAIR: "I've never been into all-women things. We musn't ignore the fact that our mothers and our grandmothers and our great-grandmothers fought (for women's rights). It's like the cage has beend and it's our time to walk out of it. Not scream, 'I'm in a cage! I'm in a cage! I think Lilith Fair's making more isolation. It's a step backwards."

ON TOM KA KAI SOUP: "What's in it? Lime juice, coconut and chicken. Why does it change people's lives? Well, food is pretty important. You'd be dead without it."

ON CANADA: "A friend of mine went to Canada once and on the form you fill in as you enter the country it asked if he had committed a crime in Canada, and he put, Not yet. And they threw him in jail."

See also: Gorgeous Bjork gallery at her site, Bjork video gallery, I HATE BJORK GROUP, Japanese Bjork, Icelandic Birds on Stamps, History of Iceland

Posted by Jeff at 04:49 PM | Comments (0)

August 09, 2004

NIGHT OF THE LIVING DOONESBURY

Essential entertainment: Doonesbury & Days of Our Lives

Dear Garry Trudeau,

I saw your comic where Mike or BD or whoever dreams of an Al Gore presidency, & wanted to let you know that I too dream of a world where Iraqis are terrorized by Uday & Whozzit instead of Lynndie England, where US pilots are fired on every day while protecting Kurds & Shias from genocide, where the ACLU is in charge of antiterrorism, where Madeleine Albright is STILL negotiating with the Taliban, perhaps having escalated to harsh language, Jimmy Carter is running hither & yon on missions of peace, & the US is adored by all. What a vision!

To be quite honest, I hadn't read your strip in years & years & YEARS and thought it had gone the way of Acapulco HEAT. I asked my stupid boss Bev, who said that Doonesbury was like Nancy & Sluggo or Prince Valiant, tired old nags that should have been ground into Gravy Train years ago. She's a hoot.

I really admire the fact that your politics & technical abilities haven't evolved at all in the many, many decades you've been turning the crank. Most shallow, fickle people have world outlooks that grow & mature over time, so it's a relief to see you're still flogging that same carrion after all these years.

To me, Doonesbury is like my favorite show, Days of our Lives. Not in terms of entertainment - you just can't beat Marlena possessed by Satan - but in the fact that you can miss it for days or weeks or decades, and when you check back in, it's still the SAME OLD STUFF. Nothing's changed. I LOVE that!

Think about it: Bloom County, the Far Side, Calvin & Hobbes, all far superior & more original than Doonesbury, yet they couldn't hack it. They chose to go out gracefully while still fresh & at the top, but not you. Probably after I'm dead & gone, you'll still be doing this shit in your sleep, & people will finally have to beat Doonesbury into the grave, like the Living Dead or Joan Rivers.

Your fan,
Jeff

Posted by Jeff at 06:03 PM | Comments (8)

August 08, 2004

THE EXPLOSIVE TASTE OF MECCA COLA

"One of the perversions of capitalism lies in the generation within oneself of the most brutal and the most inhumane part of oneself." —From non-non-profit Mecca Cola Corp.

Capitalist greed knows no religion, as evidenced by the hot new cottage industry of 'Islamic' beverages & snacks in Europe & the Middle East. Much like overpriced faux-Green products at Whole Foods, these Islamophile brands essentially represent 'alternative greed,' & aren't above exploiting religious imagery to pocket a few shekels.

Unlike the Paul Newman line, none of these brands are non-profit, tho some claim to donate a portion to Islamic charities (Hamas? Hezbollah?), drawing the attention of Western terror watchers. And Arabs are buying them, unaware that boycotting 'American' goods does more damage to locals than multinationals (Coke is one of the biggest employers in the industrial-challenged Mideast). Choice of beverage:

Mecca Cola. France, 2002. Motto: Don't drink stupid, drink with commitment! Founded by shameless entrepreneur Tawfiq Mathlouthi, former host of anti-Semitic radio show. Kinetic TV ads feature thirst-slaked drinkers, Lynndie England, & Palestinians fleeing IDF tanks. Claims 20% of profits go to 'charities.' Mathlouthi says he abjures violence, but radio statements suggest otherwise: "It's not terrorism, it's resistance." "What 'Israelis'? All I know is the Zionist entity." Bizarrely claims cola named not after holy city, but lost American Indian tribe by same name, to remember that the first genocide was in the US & the first terrorist act was there.' Website features special fatwa page. Cans carry warning: Please do not mix with alcohol!

Qibla Cola. UK, 2003. "The ethical choice." Motto: Liberate your taste! Named for Muslim ritual of facing Mecca to pray. Claims donates 10% to 'charities'. Came in last in Guardian's blind taste test. By coincidence, shares same name as jihadi terror group in South Africa. Also comes in Qibla Fantasy, "an orange infusion, for those exercising their intellects in leading the crowd rather than following it." Press pack (pdf) lists contact as Tariq Ali. Could the Chomskyite extremist be moonlighting?

Zam Zam Cola. Founded 1954 as Iranian partner of Pepsi. When Ayatollah Khomeini gave Pepsi the boot, was taken over by sinister-sounding Foundation of the Dispossessed, aka conservative clerics' cookie jar. Named for holy spring in Mecca. Sales soared after Saudi boycott of American goods in response to intifada. Also produces 300 million bottles of non-alcoholic beer.

Muslim UP. France, 2003. 7-UP knockoff, now comes in cola, orange, & citron. Website features danceable Al-Jazeera meets It's A Small World virtual tour of factory. Peppy ad campaign: Je choisie ma consomation!. Site features 'Who Are Us?' garbled couscous of advert-prop: "It is so by proposing an alternative of purchase so small it is which will prevent these neo-executioners of the new century from buying maybe the munition of excess a ball, a life."

Cola Turka (site features rockin theme song). "Drink Cola Turka & become Turkish!" Funny ad campaign starring Chevy Chase. Launched to brisk sales in 2003, one day after US arrested 11 Turkish soldiers, leading to nationwide protests. Son of Turkish PM is distributor, while son of rival ex-PM is Coke distributor. Coke said to have cut prices 10% since Cola Turka's debut.

Arab Cola. France. "Le Cola du Monde Arabe." Launched by Moroccan Frenchman, Gerard LeBlanc who calls Mecca Cola 'dangerous' because of its religious reference. LeBlanc: "I don't believe their donation credo." Comes in special Ramadan edition, as well as Arab Toufaha, Arab Monada, & Arab Limouna.

Amrat Cola. Pakistan. Amrat = 'life' in Urdu. Successfully launched in April 2003 at height of Iraq War: "Amrat Cola is the only qualitative Pakistan Cola that is being marketed throughout Pakistan & one day, God willing, it will be a brand demanded the world over."





Arafat Crisps. Corn chips featuring image of Nobel Peace Prize winner Yasser Arafat in trademark headscarf, crushing chips with feet. "Hand in hand we are building our future. The more you buy, the more you build." Comes in cheese, tomato, & paprika. Company claims 4% profits will go to Palestinians. Also Hero Chips, featuring Palestinian youth throwing rock at IDF tank.

Also: Star Cola. UAE. Sales up 40% during intifada, when Gulf clerics called for boycott of American goods. Coming soon: Meccaburger, Meccadonalds, HFC (Halal Fried Chicken). Further reading:

Freedom Coke: The Arab world's foolish boycott of American food by Jon Fasman
Our Man in the Land of Zam Zam Cola by Christina Lamb

Note: Neither Coke nor Pepsi has sued over flagrant copyright infringement

Posted by Jeff at 09:09 AM | Comments (0)

July 29, 2004

WHAT BARBRA'S READING

Whenever I find myself down in the dumps, I like to drop into BarbraStreisand.com, where as a public service, singer /actress/ Shakespeare scholar Barbra Streisand provides a list of articles she found particularly uplifting. A sample:

A Time to Weep by Ted Sorenson: "This is a cry from the heart, a lamentation for the loss of this country's goodness and therefore its greatness."

The Politics of Hope by Robert Borosage: "The stench of failure is inescapable. They have left us weaker, more indebted, more divided, more isolated and far less secure."

The Truth About Iraq by Robert Scheer: "Bush and company have turned the language of lying into a fine art, always leaving themselves a shred of deniability in case the truth catches up." [Actually, that sounds like another president entirely.]

The Day the Constitution Died by Molly Ivins: "When, in the future, you find yourself wondering, Whatever happened to the Constitution? you will want to go back and look at June 8, 2004."

Travesty of Justice by Paul Krugman: "John Ashcroft is the worst attorney general in history" [and he didn't even kill 70 people at Waco!]

Is This the Republican Implosion? by Gene Lyons: "How about the Bush campaign e-mailing 6 million videos comparing prominent Democrats to Adolf Hitler? So you're a Nazi if you don't like Bush?" [Note to Barbra: the ad was actually criticizing Democratic supporters use of Bush=Hitler imagery and failure of mainstream Dems to distance themselves from it. See next item]
 
The Best Goebbels of All by Frank Rich: "Thanks to the 9/11 commission, we now know that the movie got the story right. The administration was repeatedly warned in advance that disaster could strike America."

Be Afraid, Be Very Afraid by Verlyn Klinkenborg: "To most scientists, global warming is a truly successful hypothesis." [The causes of global warming - now & in the past - are up for grabs. See The Skeptical Enviromentalist]

Are They Losing It? by Maureen Dowd: Calls Cheney "Mr. Major League Potty Mouth"

Kiss of Death by Molly Ivins: "Any time Bush goes out into the country and claims credit for, or praises the work being done by, some government program, it is an almost-certain kiss of death -- budget cuts follow." [Note to Barbra: as a distressed conservative, I wish this were true] 

History Lesson: GOP Must Stop Bush by Carl Bernstein: "Like Nixon, this president decided the Constitution could be bent on his watch. The legal justification for ignoring the Geneva Conventions regarding humane treatment of prisoners was enunciated in a memo to Bush." [History lesson: actually, terrorists are not signatory to the Geneva Conventions. That's why they're called 'terrorists'.] 
 
A Proud Army Parent Believes Bush Misled Us About Iraq War by Dan Rodricks: "I thought my generation had forever ended the ability of any American president to assume that he alone could wage war without the consent and support of a majority of American citizens. I thought Vietnam had ended that notion."

[Barbra: Actually, Bush was granted authority to wage war on a vote of 296-133 in the House, 77-23 in the Senate, by elected representatives.

Hundreds of Thousands March for Abortion Rights Article admits there was no crowd estimate from law enforcement. Eleanor Smeal: "We must stop this war on women!"

How Bush Chose Stupidity by Jacob Weisberg
It's the Stupidity, Stupid by David Sirota
George Bush, Self-Deluded Messiah by David Corn 
The Mirror Has Two Faces by Maureen Dowd 

Whistleblower: I Saw Papers That Show US Knew al-Qa'ida Would Attack Cities With Airplanes From April. [Apparently she couldn't find the papers, because the 9/11 Commission interviewed her.]

Former Official Describes Bush as Disengaged [Former official was fired]

Pentagon Finds Halliburton Overcharged on Iraq Contracts From Barbra's favorite paper, the NY Times, which 2 weeks later reported "An examination of what has grown into a multibillion-dollar contract to restore Iraq's oil infrastructure shows no evidence of profiteering by Halliburton."

Angels, Reagan, & AIDS in America by Frank Rich, pissed at 'whiners' who convinced CBS to cancel Reagan hit-piece TV movie. Urges us to watch Angels in America by red-diaper Tony Kushner, who shows that AIDS was not caused by risky sex, but by Ronald Reagan and the Cold War. 7-hour AIDS-a-thon includes camp-classic appearance by Ethel Rosenberg, because Kushner wrote it before Soviet archives showed that Rosenbergs were indeed spies & traitors, vile people who passed nuclear secrets to Joseph Stalin, a madman who murdered 20 million people.

Posted by Jeff at 09:06 AM | Comments (0)

July 21, 2004

ACORNS IN PYONGYANG

Pak Il U, a Korean businessman in the US, has obtained a license to market & distribute world-famous Pyongyang Liquor in America in order to ease international tensions:

"After much deliberation over the way for disabusing American society of its mistaken thought about the DPRK [North Korea] and giving the Korean-Americans a correct understanding of the fatherland, I made up my mind to sell Pyongyang Liquor in the United States. When people drink Pyongyang Liquor, a traditional liquor of Korea, they will think of Korea and chat about the history and traditions of the nation."

For those unfamiliar with the North Korean palate, a brief rundown from the pages of the People's Korea.

Pyongyang Liquor. Vodka. Alcohol 60%. "Burning taste. It makes a clear distinction from other 'quaffable' liquors."

Totorisul. Acorn liquor. Alcohol 40%. "Pungent smell of acorn"

Sinyangsul. Soju (distilled spirit). Alcohol 40%. "A descent scent of a Korean soil floats in a mouth"

Komppyoyaksul. Bear bone liquor. Alcohol 40%. "More like a medicine rather than a liquor. Positive effects on rheumatics, arthritis, stiff neck, nerve pain and etc."

Inpungsul. Brandy. Alcohol 40%. "Smell like a potato soju but leaves a good aftertaste peculiar to a brandy."

Pulrosul. Adder liquor. Contains actual snake. Alcohol 60%. "Tastes a bit fishy for its high alcohol concentration. Some find it unpleasant." (DUH)

Poyangju. Chlorella liquor. Alcohol 40%. "A healthy liquor containing a chlorella. Tastes sweet."

Kaesongkoryoinsamsul. Ginseng wine. Alcohol 40%. "A liquor made from world-famous Kaesong Koryo ginseng. Good for health." Contains floating ginseng root (use magnifying glass)

Morusul. Wild vine liquor. Alcohol 16%. "Tastes of a red wine and leaves no inebriety."

Ryongsong Beer. Alcohol 4.5%. "The most famous beer in north Korea. It has been awarded several titles in various world beer contests."

Ttalgitansul. Strawberry wine. Alcohol 20%. "Sweet and sour in taste. Palatable and lady-oriented." Mogen-David of North Korea.

Posted by Jeff at 06:28 AM | Comments (0)