May 16, 2006
SORRY, ASHLEE
Hot babes
who failed to make Maxim's Hot 100 this year: Charlotte Church,
Thalia, Kelli Pickler, Melissa Theuriau, Jodie Marsh, Jordan, Kelly
Clarkson, Kylie Minogue, Belinda Carlisle. And Lindsay Lohan is #3???
Oops. Clarkson is #69. My bad
Posted by Jeff at 05:51 AM | Comments (6)
May 10, 2006
PEACHES
"I watched [Fahrenheit 9/11] & I felt disgusted the way he was so biased. He completely ridiculed him [Bush] & it's just like when you're in a playground & you're bullying a little kid. I was for the Iraq war. I supported Bush completely, which was quite, like my friends, like, hated me for that. Of course, it's terrible that millions of people have died, but if you think of Saddam Hussein & all the terrible things he's done, I mean something doesn't come from nothing. Everyone at school, like, a lot of people knew nothing about the war & were wearing T-shirts saying F--- Bush & Bush sucks. I think people should be more informed before hating a person for something." — Peaches Geldof
Full name: Peaches Honeyblossom Michelle Charlotte Angel Vanessa
Geldof,
voted UK's most eligible bachelorette 2005
Father: Bob Geldof, voted Best Celebrity Dad 2006
Mother: Penthouse playmate Paula Yates (d., drug overdose)
Siblings: Fifi Trixiebelle Geldof, Pixie Frou-Frou Geldof
Half-sister: Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily Hutchence, daughter of Yates & INXS singer Michael Hutchence (d., suicide)
Friends: Drug addict Pete Doherty, who blamed poor performance at Live 8 concert on 16yo Peaches making suggestive comment to him shortly before he went onstage
Prognosis: Not good
Posted by Jeff at 07:35 AM | Comments (12)
April 18, 2006
EMBRACE THE INSANITY
In case you're dying to know what happened to 90s fitness infomercial phreakout Susan Powter, she's back as a tribal lesbian Earth mother with pink dreadlocks & a new video called Trailer Park Yoga. There was nothing particularly original about Powter's fitness regimen - eat well & exercise - but she had an infectious energy & didn't suffer fools lightly. She still doesn't:
On walking away from a lucrative talk show: "What's hard is doing authentic on television. The medium is one of the most pervasive mediums on the planet & and it's being used for complete shit."
On fame: "Anybody that tells you they're having difficulty being rich & famous is a fucking idiot. It's a whole lot easier than not being able to pay your electric bill, or buy food for your babies."
On Suzanne Somers' Thigh-Master: "Squeeze, Squeeze, Squeeze? Did anyone take that seriously?"
On Linda Evans' Rejuvenator Face Mask: "You just have to love her for the shoulder pads alone."
On Dr. Phil: " (As) if women are not sick at this point of male experts telling us how to control our lives. Dr. Phil giving weight loss advice? I'm totally confused. He's fat?"
On Deepak Chopra: "The horror. Just ridiculous. Another male expert in the 'field' of spirituality. I'll give ya spirituality, 10 centimeters dilated, buddy!"
On marriage: "Horror! Everybody goes through that once or a couple of times."
On monogamy: "One of the tools used to enslave women. I live tribally. The way we lived for eons before we were taken over."
On whether women are better lovers: "Absolutely, without a doubt, no question about it, no going back baby … ever."
Posted by Jeff at 06:39 AM | Comments (7)
April 12, 2006
QUOTE OF THE DAY
"I love a good fry-up. I'm a natural fat girl." — Cranky bitch Charlotte Church
Posted by Jeff at 06:35 AM | Comments (5)
March 28, 2006
HOT NEOCON OF THE DAY — BO DEREK
"You can't help but compare America to other countries the more you travel, & that's when I just realized in looking [at] different issues that I was a Republican... [Welfare is fine] when people really need help, but as a lifestyle, I don't think it's good for the people receiving it. It discourages dignity & incentives." — Bo Derek
Posted by Jeff at 12:20 PM | Comments (9)
March 24, 2006
CRANKY BITCH OF THE DAY — CHARLOTTE CHURCH
"I went to Ground Zero just as an ordinary person. It was awful, people taking debris to sell. They were really rowdy, climbing on police cars to get pictures. Everyone there has to relate themselves to it. They are like [mimics American accent], 'Yeah, my neighbor's dog's owner's sister's dog was involved, but he got out just in time'. It was a sick. People overdramatize. (Firefighters) went from here in society to celebrities [ED: except the dead ones]. They are even invited here to present television awards [as opposed to pop tarts] ... There was Paul McCartney saying, 'I witnessed the crash.' Who cares? Thousands witnessed it."
— Welsh teen pop star Charlotte Church, who later claimed her rather lengthy comments were taken 'out of context'. Mitigating factor: she was 15.
(McCartney witnessed WTC crash aboard the Concorde as it landed at JFK, & later upset aging hippies by saying "Normally you're a pacifist & you don't want any kind of war, but occasionally something so atrocious happens there's gotta be some kind of response. What are you gonna do, turn the other cheek? I don't think that is possible. After the New York attack, my attitude was like, screw you man, just screw you. How dare you? If you want to take my kids out - well, screw you.")
Posted by Jeff at 08:41 PM | Comments (13)
March 10, 2006
HOT NEOFASCIST OF THE DAY — GINGER SPICE
"My father was a strong Conservative so I saw a lot of what Mrs. Thatcher did. She was definitely the original Spice Girl rising from the greengrocer's daughter to Prime Minister. She was a real role model of a strong woman."
Geri Halliwell, aka Ginger Spice
Posted by Jeff at 07:34 AM | Comments (12)
March 09, 2006
POOR JANE FONDA!
The many, many sufferings of Jane Fonda:
On Henry Fonda: "I
wanted him to like me but circumstances early on taught me that he
wasn't going to like me as I was, so I had to become what he wanted me
to be. That doesn't disappear when you grow up."
On saying no to
Roger Vadim's three-ways: "I was psychologically unable to.
I was earning my own living, yet I wasn't able to say, I don't want
to do this. It shows how deep misogyny goes, this sense women
have of being worthless."
On hurling: "As a
child I was always made to feel not good enough. I numbed the
pain through my eating disorder."
On shagging: "I've
always been feisty. The only time I wasn't feisty was in the bedroom."
On aiding & abetting: "If I said anything treasonous I
would have been tried. I wasn't. Instead they tried to convict me in the
court of public opinion. But you have to remember we were being lied to.
It was a desperate time. You did desperate things."
On POWs who say they were tortured into meeting with her:
"The Nixon administration wanted to damage me any way they could."
On Ted Turner: "He could be quite insecure, like a child. But
he changed when he was with me. He became
an easier person to be with."
On America: "I feel angry
with Bush. And scared. I feel angry & scared & disbelieving about what
our country is like now."
On Jane: "I'm an easy person
to live with. All pleasers are!"
Posted by Jeff at 12:07 AM | Comments (12)
March 08, 2006
JENNIFER ANISTON'S LITTLE BLACK DRESS
See also I Hate Jennifer Aniston
Posted by Jeff at 05:17 AM | Comments (4)
March 07, 2006
HOT NEOFASCIST OF THE DAY — BRIGITTE BARDOT
"I do not hold religious Muslims in high esteem. For 20 years we have submitted to a dangerous & uncontrolled underground infiltration. Not only does it fail to give way to our laws & customs. Quite the contrary, as time goes by it tries to impose its own laws on us. We were disturbed by their barbaric practices; we went to court; we condemned their unacceptable behavior which left homes covered in blood, & filled rubbish chutes with skin, bone & oozing brains [refers to Muslim practice of animal sacrifice at Eid]. All those 'youths' who terrorize the population, rape young girls, train pit-bulls for attack ... spit on the police — they are the ones who at the smallest signal from their chiefs will suddenly put us through the same kind of thing that happened in a Moscow theatre."
— Brigitte Bardot, fined for inciting racial hatred over her 2003 book A Scream in the Silence
BONUS: On homos — "They jiggle their bottoms, put their little fingers in the air & with their little castrato voices moan about what those ghastly heteros put them through." Ain't that the truth!
Posted by Jeff at 07:40 AM | Comments (11)
I KNOW JUST HOW SHE FEELS
"I can't save anything from being talked about because then it becomes this game, & it's not a fun game. I feel like everybody's always out to get me, & that's a weird feeling."
— Extremely private person Jessica Simpson, who couldn't save her marriage from being talked about, so she turned it into a TV show
Posted by Jeff at 07:24 AM | Comments (2)
March 04, 2006
HOT NEOFASCIST OF THE DAY — ALESSANDRA MUSSOLINI
Posted by Jeff at 07:33 AM | Comments (9)
February 25, 2006
REAL CATFIGHTS: STYLE VS FASHION
Posted by Jeff at 07:46 AM | Comments (7)
February 21, 2006
REAL CATFIGHTS: ANN COULTER VS ARIANNA
Ann Coulter: "The one great thing about the Dick Cheney hunting accident is watching liberals pretend they know something about hunting."
Posted by Jeff at 01:01 PM | Comments (10)
February 06, 2006
LET THEM EAT PAYLESS
She later returned & ran for President but was clobbered. She was convicted on corruption charges in '95 & is still fighting hundreds of lawsuits over squillions of dollars the Marcos clan swindled from the country. Like Colonel Gaddafi (see Gaddafi: the Opera), Imelda is about to be set to music, in a David Byrne / Fatboy Slim musical of the Imelda phenomenon called Here Lies Love. Until then, here's Imelda's latest wisdom:
On corruption charges against her: "Not one of the cases
relate to corruption. It's got mostly to do with property cases where I
managed to use my personal charisma to obtain funds. I still go
to court every month ... Continuous persecution of widows & orphans is a
crime. Even the Bible says there is a specific place in hell
for those who oppress widows."
On Iraq: "I feel sorry for Saddam & pray for him
every day. They found no weapons of mass destruction."
On Corazon Aquino (whose husband was killed by Marcos & who
succeeded Marcos as President): "She took away
everything. Our ancestral property was sequestered, assets frozen
& the expensive paintings were all taken away."
On the War on Terror: "Nobody wins a war. In the law of
the jungle, might is right but at some time the other beasts will
slay the bigger animal."
On having good friends: "I have fond memories of Indira
Gandhi [who suspended the constitution in India] & was there for her funeral ... Gaddafi was the first to offer me
bail when I was in the US, & then the offer came from Saddam."
Imelda's advice for living: "Never argue with destiny,
just be on top of it."
See also the Wit & Wisdom of Imelda Marcos; Imelda the Diva; Imelda the Movie; Effects of shoe heel height on biologic rollover characteristics during walking; high heel cookie cutter; Imelda Marcos shoe museum
Posted by Jeff at 12:45 AM | Comments (9)
January 28, 2006
BETTY BUTTERFIELD VISITS THE UNITED CHURCH OF CHRIST
Also, Betty does Methodists. For more of the World According to Betty Butterfield, go here. Absorbent underwear recommended.
Posted by Jeff at 08:23 AM | Comments (9)
December 14, 2005
THE SONDRA K INTERVIEW
Sondra K is the pneumatic gun-toting blogdiva behind Knowledge is Power, which is nominated for Best Culture Blog in the Weblog Awards (last day to vote!). An original who doesn't suffer fools lightly, she's known for her shoe fetish, her armory, her patriotism, & for bitch-slapping A Small Victory. Personally, I'm waiting for the Sondra K Calendar, but until then here's an exclusive interview:
BA: What were you like in high school?
Sondra:
I was the stoner brainy babe. First solo flutist out of 27 in band, honors
classes, top 10% of my class.
BA: Ever make out with a teacher?
Sondra:
Let's just say Yes.
(ED: X-rated details omitted. She got an 'A'.)BA: Favorite gun?
Sondra: For practice, a
Sig .22,
& a CZ83 .380
in stainless that I carry.
BA: Dream car?
Sondra:
Bugatti Veyron 16.4
BA: Any advice for Elton
John on his upcoming nuptials?
Sondra:
Don't shout out Eminem at that moment...it could be a bummer.
BA:
What woman would you most like to snog?
Sondra:
Angelina Jolie. Hands down. And if she was too busy adopting kids that
weekend then
Fairuza Balk.
BA: Know any martial arts?
Sondra:
I take four Kickboxing classes a week, silly!
BA: Ever done a Chinaman?
Sondra: I've done
an Asian dude....don't know from where but OMG he was
BEAUTIFUL!
BA: Celebrity blog you'd read?
Sondra:
Chris Walken.
BA: Worst fashion mistake men make?
Sondra:
Dress socks with shorts.
BA: Ever been thrown out of a bar?
Sondra:
Lots of times!
BA: Ever appeared in an adult magazine or
film?
Sondra:
No, but I was on a bathing suit calendar when I was 17, er, 18.BA: What do you hate
more, MoveOn or those Lord of the Rings movies?
Sondra:
SHIT! This is the hardest one yet! I'd have to say MoveOn
because they don't have Liv Tyler.
BA: Sex or shoes?
Sondra:
Ohhhhhhhhh...sex WITH shoes. HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Posted by Jeff at 06:48 AM | Comments (17)
November 17, 2005
ASHLEE SIMPSON SUCKS ASS (PT 2)
Dear Teen People,
Regretfully,
You are aware of her SNL phreakout where she tried to fake her way through a supposedly live song & ended up doing some sort of mental patient's version of the hokey pokey? Do you know what lip-synching is? Basically, it's lying. There's been a lot of talk lately about lying - most of it, quite frankly, people blowing smoke out of their ass - but I'm pretty sure lying is against one of the 10 Commandments, & hardly something you should be encouraging.
Jeff
See also Ashlee Simpson Must be Destroyed; Jessica Makes Fun of her 'Stupid' Sister; or pick up a copy of Teen People & peruse their fascinating articles: YOUR PERFECT BLACK DRESS; I WAS EXPELLED BECAUSE I HAVE TWO MOMS; QUIZ! DO YOU COME ON TOO STRONG? ; CHAD & SOPHIA: IS THIS THE END? ; 5 AMAZING OUTFITS FROM 10 TRENDY PIECES!
H/t Patrick, a loyal Teen People reader
Posted by Jeff at 07:17 AM | Comments (18)
November 16, 2005
GRATUITOUS CHEESECAKE MEME
Blogging 101: When in doubt, post worm-burping material. PAULINA RUBIO. MELISSA THEURIAU. ANONYMOUS MAN-EATING HIP BOOTS. THE MICROWAVABLE BRA. LIPSTICK LESBO ANIME. THALIA, TYRA BANKS, KAROLINA KURKOVA, & HEIDI KLUM. MAUREEN DOWD. See also this list of helpful slang.
Posted by Jeff at 06:22 AM | Comments (1)
November 12, 2005
ASHLEE SIMPSON MUST BE DESTROYED
Drunken Ashlee Simpson Rampage in McDonalds Captured on Cellphone
Video
"It's definitely interesting when your relationship is in a magazine & people know about it & how I had this reality show & people knew what was going on in my relationship." Ashlee Simpson
Ashlee: Acid Reflux Causes Lip-Synching. Related: What is gastroesophageal reflux disease?
Ashlee Simpson Sucks: "Okay. for all you 'fans' of ashlee simpson, why do you LIKE her? is she that great? does she really deserve to be played on the radio? give me your goddamned opinions!"
StopAshlee.com: Petition - "We, the undersigned, are disgusted with Ashlee Simpson's horrible singing & hereby ask her to stop. Stop recording, touring, modeling & performing. We do not wish to see her again." Claims 400,000 signatures.
Features I SIGNED IT Stop Ashlee apparel store
Ashlee Simpson Booed Offstage at Orange Bowl. Infamous SNL video
Ashlee Simpson, the Face of Pure Evil "I mean, have you seen this bitch's face? It's so ugly, even Brandy was like Damn girl, what happened to your face? It's so ugly, I almost wouldn't f*ck her!"
Pitiful Ashlee Simpson: "A place for one & all to give their testimony to how bad ashlee simpson sucks. her vocal chords should be removed, as any effort she makes to sing is a complete and total failure. join me in my effort to embarrass & humiliate her & her family."
Ashlee Simpson Should be Put to Sleep: "Someone please help her. I actually feel bad. Wait, no I don't. I hate her."
Bonus: "I would be a therapist (if I weren't an entertainer)." Jessica Simpson
Video: Jessica Simpson Gagging & Burping
Posted by Jeff at 10:44 AM | Comments (14)
November 11, 2005
NICOLLETTE SHERIDAN SETS THE RECORD STRAIGHT
"There was this thing written that I had gone into a candle store, & my hair went up in flames because of all the hair spray. First of all, I never have hair spray in my hair, & I've never even heard of this store, & my hair has never been burned."
Whew. I'm glad that's settled. See also Housewives Star in Fake Porn. Nicollette Sheridan Fanlisting. Awful Plastic Surgery.
Posted by Jeff at 07:27 AM | Comments (2)
June 03, 2005
SPIRIT FINGERS: THE ESSENTIAL MISS UNIVERSE
...and also here
Posted by Jeff at 06:17 PM | Comments (3)
May 28, 2005
A MESSAGE FROM JENNIFER ANISTON
Hi, I'm Jennifer Aniston.
I've gotten a lot of shit for saying
Bush is
a f*cking idiot, but I don't care. I opposed the illicit
war on Iraq as a betrayal of the sacred covenant
of the United Nations, an extracurricular attempt
to sex up Bush's reelection campaign. The lying scumbag is
divorced from reality, unfaithful to international
law, & his three-inch ego has a pathetic need to show off
his big artillery. Well you know what? It's not that big.
I know you're thinking, Oh, Jennifer's so gorgeous, she must be as deep as a puddle. Let me tell you, life hasn't been easy for me. I was raised in the shadow of my father, who plays Victor on Days of Our Lives. Try living up to that. And it wasn't easy being 'the pretty one' on Friends. Courtney Cox & Matt LeBlanc were pretty steamed about that.
Now that I'm a film icon, I think my work - Along Came Polly, Bruce Almighty - takes the high road compared to most cheap Hollywood gutter trash, like Lara Croft & Alexander. Mark my words, I'll still be around long after that kind of vulgar talentless rubbish has been cast aside onto the skank-heap of history. Did I mention George Bush is a f*cking idiot?
Posted by Jeff at 04:37 PM | Comments (30)
May 25, 2005
I WANT TO BE PARIS HILTON
Posted by Jeff at 12:16 AM | Comments (11)
May 10, 2005
GIRL ON GIRL ACTION: KYLIE MINOGUE + GERI HALLIWELL
Posted by Jeff at 01:58 PM | Comments (17)
April 22, 2005
HAPPY BIRTHDAY BETTIE PAGE
Bettie Page aka the Girl with the Perfect Figure. 36 - 24 -36½
Born April 22 1923, Nashville, TN. Difficult childhood included stint in orphanage. Salutatorian of high school class, voted Most Likely to Succeed. In 1950, while walking on Coney Island, met Jerry Tibbs, police officer & amateur photographer who put together her first portfolio (& suggested trademark bangs). Quickly became most popular pinup in America.
1955 Playboy
centerfold, Miss Pin-Up Girl of the Year. Declined date with
Howard Hughes. Was forced to testify before Congress about bondage
photos, after which government destroyed negatives of many of her
prints.
Quit modeling in 1957, tried to live domestic life, entered religious seminary, worked as Christian missionary, plagued with mental problems & institutionalized. Currently living in Southern California. In 1980s, Dave Stevens used Page as inspiration for heroine of Rocketeer comic strip. Dave Stevens on film adaptation:
"Disney wanted nothing to do with a female character that was based on a real person for rights reasons. Plus it was a very sexy character. So they immediately called for changes. We were still calling her Betty in the first versions of the script, but by the time we were shooting, the name & appearance had changed, & she wasn't Betty anymore."
Biopic The Notorious Bettie Page due 2006, starring Gretchen Mol & Lili Taylor, produced by Christine Vachon (Boys Don't Cry). Renee Zellweger poses as Bettie. Bettie quotes:
"I never kept up with the fashions. I believed in wearing what I thought looked good on me."
"I was not trying to be shocking, or to be a pioneer. I wasn't trying to change society, or to be ahead of my time. I didn't think of myself as liberated, & I don't believe that I did anything important. I was just myself. I didn't know any other way to be, or any other way to live."
"I'm very sorry that when I turned my life over to the Lord Jesus in January 1959, I threw out all my netstockings, bikinis - some from Frederick's of Hollywood."
"I don't know what they mean by an icon. I was just modeling, thinking of as many different poses as possible. I made more money modeling than being a secretary. I had a lot of free time. You could go back to work after an absence of a few months. I couldn't do that as a secretary."
Official website. The Bettie Page. The Real Bettie Page. (Hat tip: TC Lynch)
Posted by Jeff at 10:32 AM | Comments (6)
April 21, 2005
SAVE JORDAN'S JUGS!
Posted by Jeff at 07:33 AM | Comments (0)
February 28, 2005
"I sold ‘Frida,’ which is a love story about a hairy crippled Mexican communist artist & her fat Mexican communist artist husband. Nobody wants to make movies about artists anymore because they say they’re not commercial. Not to mention movies about communists, Mexicans, or period pieces about a fat man & a hairy woman. And yet, I sold it." — important artist salma hayek
Hi, I'm Salma Hayek. I'm really excited to present this Oscar thing about Che Guevara, 'cause he was really neat & played a guitar & stuff. Does this make me look fat? Oh, & Gael Garcia Bernal & me started together in telenovelas, now we're bigger than ever.
For example, I played Frida Kahlo, who was this really important person. I know she was important because important actresses like Madonna & J-Lo wanted to play her. She was a painter & had a mustache, something many of us Latinas have struggled with.
She also had a thing for Joseph Stalin, some guy who killed a lot of people & stuff, which is why Gael said if Frida was alive she'd be against the Iraq War. Makes sense to me. She'd also be 98 years old, which is really phreaking me out.
Probably someone will make a movie of my life one day, & probably Madonna will want to play me, HA! No really, does this make my butt look big?
See also The Truth About Che; The Truth About Frida; Compatibility of Chow Yun Fat & Salma Hayek
Posted by Jeff at 04:17 PM | Comments (16)
February 11, 2005
Dear Kelly Ripa,
I notice that as part of your dangerous madness vulpine charm you
have a thing about your mug. You seem so attached to it, I'm
wondering if it's just caffeine or something more essential.
I know I said you were a crackhead but I was JUST KIDDING. Frankly, I'm
worried you're going to take somebody out with that mug, the way you're
always waving it around like a madwoman.
So I was thinking it would be really great if you'd start using an official Beautiful Atrocities souvenir mug. It would gain you lots of new viewers, that's for sure! I'll give you one FREE, & also one for Regis, who needs something to do since you never let him get a word in edgewise. Just between you & me, I'd watch my back.
Lately he has a look about him of an arachnid, crouched, tensed, poised to strike. When you hit those falsetto squeals, there's this vein in his neck that starts throbbing like the malign darkness that gnaws at the margin of our souls. I'm just saying. My mug + your lips, soon!
Your friend,
Jeff
Pics courtesy obsessed nut devoted fan
Ron at Our Daily Ripa, who
wishes he was Kelly's mug.
Posted by Jeff at 06:57 PM | Comments (3)
February 03, 2005
BUSH SENDING PAULA ABDUL TO IRAQ AS MEDIATOR
Citing her experience as a conciliator & cheerleader, President Bush nominated American Idol judge Paula Abdul as Special Envoy to Iraq to negotiate with Abu al Zarqawi's Baathist/jihadi/repressed homosexual insurgents. Bush: "Miss Abdul is a fine upstanding American who's shown she can confront evil, whether it be Emilio Estevez, Simon Cowell, or Clay Aiken."
Response from Democrats was swift. Former Klansman Robert Byrd: "I don't believe in mixing with the Negro race." (Abdul is actually of Syrian ancestry.) Barbara Boxer called Abdul "a big fat liar," noting that she'd electronically altered the video of Promise of a New Day to make herself appear skinnier.
Ted Kennedy was also miffed, having been axed from the first
round of American Idol with his rendition of Rock Me Amadeus.
Kennedy countered by nominating
Queen Latifah,
whom, he noted, at least
has a fake Arab name.
(A spokesman for Latifah said
Kennedy was 'out of his f*cking mind.')
Iraq's Sunnis reacted with horror, insisting their country has suffered enough without having 'that Glitter bimbo' inflicted on them. (Informed that Abdul & Mariah Carey are not one & the same, Sunnis remained wary). Shia cleric Grand Ayatollah Sistani said he was 'most eager' for a private meeting with Ms. Abdul, wanting to know 'did she still do that Nasty Girl thing.'
See also LA Laker girls; Sen. Byrd KKK Lifetime Achievement Award; Petition: Take American Idol off the Air ("Listening to all the faggy singing on that queer show makes me want to stab myself")
Posted by Jeff at 07:43 AM | Comments (7)
February 01, 2005
OUR LADY OF CRACK COCAINE
screenshots COURTESY OUR DAILY RIPA. REGIS & KELLY TAPES USED AS INTERROGATION TOOL AT GITMO
We've all spent time with someone who was cranked up, coked out, or cracked off, usually in rather intimate circumstances. So WTF is up with Kelly Ripa?? Has there been a more deranged dervish on daytime TV? The crazed mugging, the strobe-light mood swings, the wild gesticulations like she's guiding planes in at LaGuardia. Poor Regis never had a chance.
You have to pity the sap, he endured 15 years of chirpy vampire Kathie Lee Gifford, only to find himself paired with the Madwoman of Chaillot. Now the poor guy can't get a word in edgewise. Soon Ripa will kill him, probably right on the air, & be done with it.
Oddly, Ripa showed no signs of incipient madness on
All My
Children. She played weepy whiner Hayley Vaughan, although she had a
wonderfully trashy mother (Olivia
Birkelund). Suffice it to say, Susan Lucci had no cause to
complain about Ripa stealing her scenes,
unlike certain
other costars. HA! Lucci barely escaped with her life! In
just a couple of years, Ripa would morph into a marauding ogress who
could steal scenes from Godzilla.
At least Ripa admits she's cranked to the gills. Yet people love her! Our Daily Ripa is just one of gajillions of Ripa fan sites run by demented Ripettes, chronicling Ripa's deranged histrionics. Others:
Kelly Ripa Movie Diva: "I am a HUGE fan of Kelly's. Boy can this girl Act. What Can't she do. She can Act on soaps, do talk shows. MY God she even does Movies. Mrs. Ripa is SOOO talented. She is One of the Greatest. I Love to see her in stuff besides AMC. Kelly Ripa is One Talenetd [sic] gal. And Boy is this the place to be!"
Kelly Ripa Fan for Life:
"If you are an extreme diehard Kelly Ripa fan, then join this group!"
Kelly Ripa Online: Incorrectly lists birthday as Oct. 2, 1999. HELLO - she may act like a five year old, but in fact she's 35.
AMC Kelly Ripa 2001: "This is a club for the wonderful Kelly Ripa, & even her gorgueous [sic] husband Mark Conceoulous [sic]. Enjoy!"
Fluffy Reads: Book club for "anything Oprah would never even consider for her book club & Kelly Ripa would love."
Kelly Ripa Cathedral: "Kelly is a goddess!!"
Kelly Ripa Rules: "Kelley [sic] kicks butt & is so deserving of all the attention she can get."
The Consuelos Family: "A group for Kelly Ripa, Mark Consuelos & their 3 beautiful children Michael, Lola and Joaquin."
Rip Head:
"This site is devoted to the lovely actresses Kelly Ripa, Alyssa Milano,
& Drew Barrymore!" Members: 6
Kelly Ripa Fan Page: "Our new group picture is of Kelly's adorable children Michael, Lola, & Joaquin Consuelos! Aren't they just so cute?!"
Kelly Ripa Haven: "The site that stood firm before the imitations came about...you'll find the latest on Kelly here."
Read Kelly's $27M contract & weep. Kelly Shows How She Keeps Mark Happy. It's Good to be Kelly Ripa
Posted by Jeff at 06:36 AM | Comments (12)
January 11, 2005
This morning, during one of Kelly Ripa's insufferable hyperventilating monologues, Regis Philbin suddenly snapped & bashed her head in with Ripa's special coffee mug. Incredibly, Ripa kept talking throughout the entire attack, relating an interminably overwrought anecdote about some shit she saw on TV last night.
Finally a wild-eyed Philbin decapitated Ripa with a machete, after which Ripa's head continued to talk for almost 5 minutes before being incinerated with a flamethrower, like the reanimated android head in Alien. There have been rumors of tension between the two morning cohosts ever since Ripa, aka Katie Lite, replaced departing Methamphetamine Barbie Kathie Lee Gifford.
See also Our Daily Ripa
Posted by Jeff at 10:19 AM | Comments (0)
January 01, 2005
I got 100% right.
Posted by Jeff at 01:38 PM | Comments (0)
LITTLE MISS KNOW-IT-ALL
Little Miss Attila hasn't been the same since she was nominated for that Weblog Award. When she said Eva Gabor was the real Jack the Ripper, I thought it was a stretch, but I'm no expert on the Hungarian Mafia, or the Whitechapel murders, so I thought, hey, COULD BE.
But THEN the little minx started talking like a hoochie mama. And THEN she got positively mordant with the death pool riff. But LMA really jumped the shark when she claimed that women don't stand in the shower soaping their breasts lovingly, for hours, often in slow-motion, just like you see in every horror movie ever made (right before getting julienned with a kitchen appliance or rototilled with a garden implement).
Give me a break! Psycho?? Dressed to Kill?? Carrie?? Debbie Does Dallas?? Next you'll tell me Catherine Zeta-Jones wipes her own ass, Victoria Gotti sits down to piss, & Desperate Housewives don't lounge around in negligees & stilettoes, having it off with whatever delivery boy/robber/peace officer happens by, just like in every porn vid ever made.
Horror trivia: Sissy Spacek was originally cast as bitch Chris Hargenson in Carrie; Jamie Lee Curtis cast as gimmick in Halloween, as mother Janet Leigh was famous victim in Psycho; shot of Janet Leigh flushing toilet in Psycho believed to be first such shot in screen history (Also considered for Leigh's role: Piper Laurie, who 20 years later played Carrie's psycho mom)Posted by Jeff at 01:13 AM | Comments (0)
December 07, 2004
HAPPY BIRTHDAY SONDRA K
Baby Sondra, showing the fashion sense she'd come to be known for. I saw her wearing an almost identical outfit on a countertop at the Purple Nurple, the bar where Margi Lowry moonlights as a bouncer.
Today is Sondra's bday, while Sondra's 1-year blogger bday is Thursday. Despite the intervention of Allah himself, Sondra's still bitch-slapping the competition in the Weblog Awards. In case of tie, Sondra & Michele will don thongs & leg-wrassle for the title. (In case of suspicious last-minute surge by the Llama Bitches, Sondra will take on Steve & Robert at the same time.)
Posted by Jeff at 03:33 PM | Comments (0)
October 30, 2004
BLOGGER BABES WE LUVS
| RAE | ||||
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| SONDRA | |||
| SPIRIT FINGERS | |||
| ACE | ||||
| MISS O'HARA | ||||
| JULIETTE | |||
Posted by Jeff at 01:24 PM | Comments (0)
October 02, 2004
GOD BLESS TAMMY FAYE
"I believe in class. I believe that people should have a bit of class about them." Tammy Faye
The irrepressible Tammy Faye, who's undergoing chemo for inoperable lung cancer, has passed a milestone:
- "Believe it or not, I did go without eyelashes for several days. Ha Ha! Was I BRAVE or what? It turned out to be one of the most FREEING things that has ever happened to me. People still knew me; in fact they didn’t seem to even realize that I had no eyelashes on!!! [Ed. note: Hard to believe] And my husband still loved me. He said, 'Honey, I didn’t marry you for your eyelashes!' Man, that was a relief! Ha Ha! I think God knew that losing my eyelashes would be a good lesson for me and IT WAS!"
Then Tammy did something she never thought she'd do: "I got to tattoo a cross on a tattoo artist! I was so scared I thought I was going to throw up! Now wouldn’t THAT have been embarrassing! It was a wish of his for a long, long time. So, my hand shaking like a leaf, I dipped the needle in the black ink. Well, after a couple of minutes he didn’t faint & I didn’t throw up."
And Tammy has BIG news: "I have a new makeup line! Be watching for it because we are putting together my favorite colors just for you! They are GREAT products, I wear them myself every day! You are going to love it! FINALLY - my own makeup line!"
See also NPR Tammy Faye Bakker: Gay Icon
Posted by Jeff at 01:39 PM | Comments (0)