May 16, 2006
BUTCH PUTSCH
"but mommy, i wanted a gi joe!" "shut up & ask your other mommy."
Bitch Rosie isn't even on the The View yet, & she's already demanding Star Jones get tossed! Dykeosaurus has teamed up with queen bee Barbara Walters to kick Star off the show. Former journalist Walters reportedly hates Star, & is also livid over Meredith Vieira's jump to NBC's Today Show (which is rich, since Walters herself jumped from Today to ABC in 1976).
Even uglier, Oprah's galpal Gayle King is said to be ogling Star's chair, even though she claims to be Star's friend! Rosie is said to be wet at the prospect of cohosting with King, who brags that she shares Oprah's underwear. If rumors are to be believed, Rosie & Gayle have more in common than plus-sized panties.
I'll say it: lesbian putsch. And it has to be stopped. Yes, Star's a stupid bitch, but if there's one person who's worse than Star - & there's only one person who's worse than Star - it's Rosie. Among her many crimes:
Told Rosie magazine staffer that people who lie die of cancer
Supports total ban on guns but hired armed bodyguard to accompany son to kindergarten
Wore a mullet; later got haircut like Boy George
Said Bush should be tried as war criminal in The Hague, when she doesn't even know where The Hague is
Bragged on The View that she forced 'wife' Kelli to stop breastfeeding after one month because Rosie was jealous (after stupidly denying reports of marital trouble by claiming Kelli only left with baby because the four-month-old was breastfeeding)
Hated on Star Jones for getting skinny; accused her of pooping soup
Had the nerve to call Kirstie Alley fat
Dresses like Lorne Greene
Looks like Buddy Hackett without makeup
Played retard in mortifying TV movie Riding the Bus With My Sister
Pretended Cruise made her ooze
Appeared in bondage gear in Exit to Eden
Reversed talk show set for la Streisand, who insists on only being filmed from her left side; threatened to quit if Babs' rambling Gore endorsement wasn't aired
Interviewed a Muppet
Writes baaaaaaaad poetry
Wears mens XXL underwear
Makes gay people look like idiots
Is this the sort of person you want chatting on the morning tube,
when any child could turn it on??
Tell ABC you don't
support the lesbian putsch! Down on with Rosie! Save Star!
See also Rosie O'Donnell talking doll; Mr. Star Jones Runs Off with Mrs. Rosie O'Donnell
Posted by Jeff at 06:17 AM | Comments (17)
May 11, 2006
BLAME BUSH FOR ROSIE TOO
Cindy Adams connects the dots: Bush-hatred led to Dan Rather's demise from CBS News, which led to him being replaced by Bush-basher Katie Couric, which led to her Today slot going to Bush-basher Meredith Vieira, which led to her View slot going to Bush-basher Rosie O'Donnell. And poor Star Jones? Just collateral damage...
Posted by Jeff at 08:24 PM | Comments (3)
May 03, 2006
REMEDIAL ECONOMICS WITH TIM RUSSERT
Posted by Jeff at 12:04 AM | Comments (1)
May 02, 2006
REASON #99 TO SELL YOUR NY TIMES SHARES
Posted by Jeff at 12:40 AM | Comments (0)
NEVER LET DIANE ARBUS TAKE YOUR DUST JACKET PHOTO
Posted by Jeff at 12:19 AM | Comments (4)
April 29, 2006
RUT-ROH...
Press release: "The University of North Carolina at Pembroke's bar for its Distinguished Speaker Series gets higher each year." And, really, now that they've snagged Nancy Grace as this year'sr, how much higher can it go??
Posted by Jeff at 12:52 AM | Comments (2)
April 23, 2006
MSM CRYPTOANALYSIS: A PUBLIC SERVICE
What the article says: "Republicans are urging Bush to dump Cheney & replace him with Condoleezza Rice."
What the article means: Fred Barnes of the Weekly Standard is urging Bush to dump Cheney & replace him with Condoleezza Rice.
Posted by Jeff at 02:16 PM | Comments (6)
April 11, 2006
WHY DEMOCRATS SHOULDN'T LISTEN TO THE MSM
Vanity Fair is one of those East Coast elitist rags where all the writers share the same paleoliberal worldview, none of them know a single person that voted for Bush, & no one has a clue what's going on in America. Here, VF's George Wayne chats up BBC correspondent Katty Kay, & it's clear the BBC lady knows more about America than Wayne:
VF: I think Kerry should be the next president.
BBC: The public doesn't like to reward people who lose. Look at Al Gore. John Kerry had so much to work with — a bad economy, the mess in Iraq.
VF: America was not ready to oust a president who had started a war. There was no way they would kick out a president who had started a war, especially at that time. The war was what saved the Bush presidency.
BBC: I covered that election, & Kerry could not come up with a plausible policy. I covered that election every day for an entire year, & I had no idea what John Kerry's policy was. So it's no surprise he could not convince the American people.
Posted by Jeff at 12:01 AM | Comments (4)
April 05, 2006
THE MOLLY IVINS CORRESPONDENCE COURSE FOR PROFESSIONAL OPINIONATION
How-DEE! I'm Molly Ivins, a
professional reporter whose crack opinion pieces are skimmed by near
bout hunnerds of people
in Austin, as well as a few goomers over in France. I'm a good
ole gal who's had real journalism classes
in big ole buildings, which means I'm certified tomy
pie hole bout anything.
Like reporters: "All newspaper columnists work maybe two hours a day & spend the rest of their time drinking martinis." Trust me (hic). But now we got too many ignert peeps shouting out who ain't qualified, like the nitwit writing this blog, which is why I said "no one should be allowed to write opinion without spending years as a reporter."
In the Molly Ivins Correspondence Course for Professional Opinionation, you'll learn how to suck ass if you write something that's spookily similar to what someone else wrote. Folks, it happens. In fact, it keeps happening to me. Even worse: if you're gonna plagiarize the Washington Post, make sure the gosh darn rag has its info right, or you'll look a dose of double stupid.
You'll learn how to eat crow when the statistics you pulled out of your ass are off by a few zeros. And you'll find out how to call it a 'hopeful development' for the media when the Communication Workers of America & one of its subsidiary unions, the Newspaper Guild, bid to buy 12 corporate newspapers — without adding it's a hopeful development because 99% of CWA PAC money goes to Democrats. How-DEE!
See also Famous Plagiarists: Molly Ivins; Martinis 101
Posted by Jeff at 12:19 AM | Comments (5)
March 31, 2006
‘GOODNIGHT, FRIEND — THE NANCY GRACE STORY’: STARRING TORI SPELLING
See also Nancy Grace² — the Sequel
Posted by Jeff at 02:20 PM | Comments (5)
March 30, 2006
HOT SLUT OF THE DAY: HELEN THOMAS
Posted by Jeff at 12:15 AM | Comments (3)
March 28, 2006
AUDITIONS FOR THE EFFETE LITERATI
Dear Washington Post,
I see your attempt to balance your limp-wristed liberalism with a token spokesthug for neocon world domination has backfired, exposing you to the scorn & ridicule of the Kos Kids. Never fear - their bark is annoying, their bite nonexistent. However, if you're still looking for a stark raving Neanderthal warmonger to throw to the jackals, I'm your man.
I know you'll pop wood when you read my trenchant political analysis of terrorism's pop culture non sequiturs, the root causes of Katie Couric, the protocols of the elders of challah, the Cybill Shepherd trainwreck, as well my tedious obsession with all things Gaddafi.
Unlike that other guy, I haven't left a paper trail due to my extreme laziness. As for my colorful resume of institutionalizations, it's all the fault of irresponsible doctors who gave me generous prescriptions for medications like crack, E, & Special K to treat various sports injuries.
Hope to hear from you before rent's due!
Jeff
Posted by Jeff at 06:55 AM | Comments (4)
March 27, 2006
WE NOW RETURN TO OUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED POTTY-MOUTH PISSING MATCH
During an informative exchange on Brian Whitman's radio show, Alec Baldwin called Sean Hannity a no-talent former construction worker hack, a no-talent ignorant fool from Long Island, & an incredibly ignorant boob. In addition, he called Mark Levin Sean Hannity's cabin boy.
For his part, Hannity called Baldwin a gutless coward & a third-rate Hollywood egomaniac, while Levin dubbed Baldwin butt boy, Brokeback Alec, & suggested Baldwin was 50 pounds overweight with a two-digit IQ.
Host Whitman did manage to slip in a few words of his own: "Alec? They're gone. Alec? Alec has walked out of the studio. Alec, please come back..."
Posted by Jeff at 12:15 PM | Comments (11)
March 10, 2006
THE OLD MEDIA DINOSAUR SALOON
See that brittle redhead
at the dark end of the bar, with the Armor All lips &
size 15 pumps? That's
MoDo.
"Hey Jeff!" she slurs. "Another Manhattan, & piss in it!"
"Coming up, MoDo." Whiskey, vermouth, & vinegar. She was a fun drunk till the Times put up that firewall & all that oped wisdom went the way of Pay Per View Bowling.
"You know what a firewall is, Jeff? It's a burqa. A goddamn digital burqa! Lookit me, all dressed up & no one to flame."
"It's a damn shame, MoDo." Poor heifer went all the way to Australia to get laid, but no luck.
"When you get off, Jeff?"
"Armageddon, Modo."
"Men," she sneers. "They're all intimidated by my D-cup IQ!"
"Hey Jeff!" Dan Rather waves. "Whaddya think, should Clooney play me in the movie?"
"I reckon, Dan. Who's gonna play Mary Mapes?"
"Freddy Krueger," he snarls. I slide him another Old Fashioned, then change Cronkite's urine bag, & hook him up to another martini drip.
"Check it out, Jeff," Garry Trudeau chirps, sipping his wine cooler thru a straw. "I end the panel with a badly drawn White House, & a reminder how our glorious media took down Nixon & singlehandedly ended Vietnam."
"Pulitzer city," I nod. "Totally never been done." Yes, it's life at the Old Media Dinosaur Saloon, where it's always deja vu...
Posted by Jeff at 05:15 AM | Comments (4)
March 08, 2006
CAPITALISM, NOT SUPERSTITION, TO BLAME FOR HUMAN SACRIFICE
In the midst of this gruesome news story of human sacrifice, the Guardian inserts its trademark unattributed editorializing:
...there have been 28 human sacrifices in Uttar Pradesh in the last 4 months. The killings have focused attention on Tantrism, an amalgam of mystical practices that grew out of Hinduism. Many blame the turn to the occult on the increasing economic gap between rural & urban India, in particular the spiraling debts of cotton & tobacco farmers, linked with high costs of hybrid seed & pesticides, that has led to record numbers of farmers committing suicide.
The creepy thing is, I had an economic disparity in my bank account last month, & I felt like killing someone! (H / t Logical Meme)
Posted by Jeff at 12:19 PM | Comments (5)
March 06, 2006
WHAT IF THEY HAD A CIVIL WAR & NOBODY CAME?
Posted by Jeff at 12:12 AM | Comments (2)
February 27, 2006
E.T. FOR FRAUD — THE KOJO ANNAN STORY
The media continues to soft-pedal the UN Oil for Fraud
scandal, &
the role of Kojo Annan, who used Daddy Kofi's clout to pocket a fat wad of cash.
Frankly, I never liked him on ET Tonight. His father
totally got him that gig.
What exactly were his qualifications for being a 'correspondent' on the #1 syndicated entertainment newsmagazine in the world©? Mary Hart busted her ass for 23 years to bring you hard-hitting news stories no one else would touch. So her hairdo causes seizures. News flash - she wasn't hired for her looks.
Ok, maybe Paula Abdul & Carlos Ponce were hired because they're pretty — is that why Kojo was hired? I DON'T THINK SO. What's with that grille? Does ET have a dental plan? He looks like a Venus flytrap with veneers.
His Red Carpet Diaries totally downplays his UN connection. We just hear about "his obsessions with his all-blue bedroom & Cheryl Ladd's hair," & that "he wasn't like the other boys." WELL I GUESS NOT. I guess when your father is Secretary General of the UN, you can call yourself a 'fashion expert' & hobnob with Sarah Jessica Parker & the world's your goddamn oyster. Some of us have to work for a living.
See also Fug Carpet: Mary Hart.
Posted by Jeff at 12:05 AM | Comments (6)
February 22, 2006
BRONZE MEDAL FOR TALKING WITH YOUR HEAD SHOVED UP YOUR ASS
"Count me among those who don’t care about & won’t watch them…Try not to laugh when someone says these are the world’s greatest athletes, despite a paucity of blacks that makes the winter games look like a GOP convention." — Mensa member / teleprompter expert Bryant Gumbel
Gee Bryant, last time I checked, snowboard cross was not the rage in Rwanda, & more importantly, American blacks overwhelmingly choose to vote Democratic. Therefore one would expect a GOP convention to be a bit whiter than Death Row.
Is Gumbel against blacks making this choice? Wouldn't a GOP
convention
swimming in chocolate - as they say in Nawleans - make Gumble
cry Tokenism? Can Gumbel do a triple-klutz while pulling his head
out of his ass?
Flashback: "If I’m a young black man in South Central, where poverty is rampant & unemployment is skyrocketing, I see that Washington’s promises of a year ago have gone unfulfilled, I see that perhaps for a second time, the court’s inability to mete out justice in a blind fashion, why shouldn't I vent my anger?" — Bryant Gumbel, 1993, on those restless South Central youth
Hat tip: California Conservative
Posted by Jeff at 07:35 AM | Comments (16)
February 19, 2006
AP: THE CULTURALLY SENSITIVE NEWS NETWORK
What the headline says: 15 Die in Nigeria Cartoon Protest
What the headline means: Islamonutters Murder 15 Christians Over Nothing
See also Reggie the Anti-Barney's Culturally Sensitive Guide to Cartoongate
Posted by Jeff at 08:19 PM | Comments (3)
November 15, 2005
MARY MAPES: INDC CONFIDENTIAL
Disgraced CBS news producer Mary Mapes is flogging her quickie book Truth & Duty (#927 with an anchor on Amazon), in which she defends the forged memos with arguments like Oh yeah? So what? Says who?? Mapes reserves special venom for the shark pack of bloggers who took her down, especially one in particular. Footnote 173, pg 322:
"By far the most persistent pathogen was one INDC Bill Ardolino, a whinging candy-assed wop with lifts in his shoes bigger than Rather's ego. He scammed my cell number & peppered me with harassing calls about kerns & serifs & whatsits but also weirdass shit like What size shoe do you wear? & I am the gatekeeper.
"When he insisted we meet for a private champagne dinner chez INDC, I had to ask myself: Is he after my ass, or my ASS? Luckily, I was getting a weave at Lady Pho's right next to Linda Tripp, who warned me Watch your back, girl - get it on tape!
"Bill's place was decorated in Naugahyde Hell, fine imported crap, & Andrew Lloyd Webber posters. I knew I was in trouble when he tossed me a beanbag chair: oldest trick in the book. I made myself as comfortable as possible, pulling my skirt over my alabaster knees & wishing I'd shaved both my legs.
"He passed me the bottle of champagne, & I discreetly activated the mike between my tits. Bottoms up, he grinned... I woke up the next day with my pantyhose on backwards & the mother of all hangovers. I'm still not sure what happened, but I couldn't sit down for a week. That stupid Linda Tripp: the tape was no help at all."
EXCLUSIVE TAPE OF INDC BILL & MARY MAPES
See also Night of the Little Green Footballs; How Many Mary Mapes Are There?
Posted by Jeff at 06:35 AM | Comments (13)
June 21, 2005
CITIZEN JOURNALIST SEAN PENN
Posted by Jeff at 05:05 AM | Comments (15)
June 11, 2005
DON'T CRY FOR ME, ARIANNA
For a good laugh,
check out Huffington's Toast,
a riff on Arianna Huffington's blogged-down quagmire, Huffington's Post. Even better, check out this actual transcript of Arianna's appearance on Bill O'Reilly. Many liberals - Joe Biden, for one - are afraid to go on O'Reilly, because he
calls them out. Not Arianna. The love child of Eva Gabor & Juan Peron, Arianna would show up for theng of a tea bag.
Arianna: I believe that right now we are an irritant.
You got that right, honey. Via The Anchoress
Posted by Jeff at 01:54 PM | Comments (7)
May 11, 2005
GHOUL TV with NANCY GRACE
Hi y'all, I'm Nancy Grace, former prosecutor,
covering the latest gruesome gross-out murder. What you're about to hear
is really ooky. At this time, we have virtually no
information about this heinous crime, but I sure ain't gonna
crush Greta Van Facelift by blowing smoke rings outta my ass.
As a former prosecutor, I'm thinking blunt trauma to the head, so I'm going to climb up on the desk here - grunt - to demonstrate. The victim was prolly on all fours like this, okay? (Cartwright, you better have a fish-eye lens on my ass, I don't wear Nanette Lapore to look like a Volkswagen with cellulite.)
Ladies with back problems, this is an excellent position for pelvic thrusts: & thrust! & thrust! one-two! sphincter tight!
Okay, I'm thinking the perp bashed the victim's head - ungh! - against the floor - ungh! like this - ungh! Fortunately I'm wearing titanium hair shield that can stop armor piercing bullets & is excellent for humidity. Then the shit-eating piece of scum prolly broke a bottle over her head like this - thwunk!
Now this is Heinz 57 steak sauce running down my face, but just imagine it's blood gushing as the poor thing collapses - kerthump! - twitching in death throes like a katydid on a waffle-iron, aaugh! aaugh! oh god! oh god! oh yes! yes! yes! BRING IT HOME DADDY!
Posted by Jeff at 09:30 AM | Comments (6)
April 30, 2005
TABLOID DISMAY: MISSING BRIDE NOT DEAD
Cries of dismay issued from the tabloid media with the discovery that Jennifer Wilbanks had not been brutally murdered by her fiance or at least a serial killer, but merely had cold feet. Fox's Greta van Susteran: "This would have been the bomb for sweeps. I just hope she realizes the pain she's caused all of us who have to scramble for new copy."
Sean Hannity
&
crew were particularly bitter, having paid for two full weeks at the
Sleepy Hollow Inn in Duluth, GA, as was CNN reporter/Delta Burke
lookalike Nancy Grace. "You think this is easy?" she snapped. "You try
doing 5 minutes on cold feet!" Before the story unraveled, Grace
unsuccessfully tried to push Wilbanks' father over the edge:
"Oh you po po man! Tell me, how does it feel knowing your own daughter may be sliced up in julienne pieces? Look, here's a butcher knife the fiend might have used," she added, running her tongue down the blade.
The Wilbanks anticlimax came at a bad time for the tabloid media, still looking for another hit after the Schiavo blockbuster. This week Court TV's Diane Dimond committed suttee on the steps on the Santa Maria courthouse after Michael Jackson's ex-wife Debbie Rowe gave groveling testimony in support of the embattled star. "You stupid cow!" Dimond screamed before combusting. "Couldn't you throw me a goddamn bone??"
Nancy Grace, for her part, rejects Jennifer Wilbanks' cold feet excuse: "I still say the fiancé killed her!"
See also Manolo's Shoe Blog: 14 Bridesmaids??
Posted by Jeff at 09:06 AM | Comments (14)
February 02, 2005
ARIANNA: I'M STILL NOT IVANA, & THE IRAQI ELECTION DOESN'T CHANGE THAT!
Posted by Jeff at 01:56 PM | Comments (11)
January 31, 2005
...THE HARDER THEY FALL
Posted by Jeff at 05:49 PM | Comments (1)
September 25, 2004
NIGHT OF THE LITTLE GREEN FOOTBALLS
News professional Mary Mapes: "God save me from this living HELL of little green footballs"
Besieged CBS news producer Mary Mapes has filed a lawsuit against Little Green Footballs' Charles Johnson, & several other "internet pajamacocci," claiming their portrayal of her as a "scheming partisan bitch-troll from Hell" contributed to an "unfriendly work environment" in the CBS newsroom.
The alleged harassment began after Johnson & other layabouts identified Mapes as the news professional who'd green-lighted the pathetic, transparent Natl Guard forgery. That day, Mapes found a little green football on her desk. Soon, little green footballs began metastisizing like tribbles: spilling out of drawers, exploding from microwave popcorn, pouring from the taps in the executive washroom .
Mapes said the footballs appeared to be made from foam rubber fluorescent green earplugs. The giggling & snickering in the newsroom got so bad, Mapes had to sprint to her office while being pelted with little green footballs. Mapes is suing Johnson for $112 million, calling him "a loathsome, bike-riding Lynndie England wannabe" who created her "own private Abu Ghraib." "I don't care if he did win a National Book Award!" Mapes fumed.
Posted by Jeff at 07:48 PM
| Comments (0)
I'm so sick of rival bloggers grabbing the Incredible Shrinking Rather headlines. Rusty makes me sick, Ace makes me sick, Powerline makes me sick, Bill makes me sick, Charles makes me sick, Jeff G really makes me sick, Frank J gives me reflux, & the Llamas make me DEATHLY ILL. So I ran with the Lucy Ramirez lead. I began by calling the thousands of women named Lucy Ramirez in the Houston metro area. I got them to talk by saying I was a paramedic working on their husband. We found the little Bush-bashing bitch at the Motorhead Poultryworks & Gift Shoppe where she ran the gut-sucker, & cornered her in the breakroom. She was a Section 8 blonde in a white smock, combing her eyelashes with a toothpick & eating a jumbo tub of Hooters Hot Pot BBQ Chicken Wings. "Are those real or Memorex?" I demanded. "Como?" "Game's over, Ramirez. I'm a BLOGGER. Be afraid." "Quien es el huero loco??" she said. I grabbed her wrist. "This is a citizen's arrest!" I announced. That's when she decked me with the hot wings. UPDATE: I'm countersuing, but have faith in my unimpeachable source. Developing. (More Lucy skullduggery from George Gaskell, Crazy Neocon, & Right on Red, who's barking up the wrong livestock)
Posted by Jeff at 11:27 AM
| Comments (0)
(Informed that this is not, in fact, the award-winning African-American author of the same name, Mapes said "Prove it!" ) Also named in the suit are various other "pajama coli":Bill from INDC Journal ("A vile, verminous little bedbug")
Michelle Malkin ("Where's internment now that we need it?")
Powerline ("Minneapolis?? Are you kidding me?")
Allahpundit ("Cheap Ramadan trash")
Ace of â™ ("A gob-smackingly vile little paramecium")
Rusty from MyPetJawa ("I've seen panty stains with better syntax")
Instapundit ("Proof you can jerk off & blog at the same time")
Jeff G from Protein Wisdom ("A suppurating sore with comments & trackback")
Wonkette ("Just because")September 21, 2004
EXCLUSIVE: THE REAL LUCY RAMIREZ
Surveillance photo of Bush-hating forgery mistressmind Lucy Ramirez"Madam - CALM DOWN, okay?? I need to know, is he an organ donor? Does he know anything about FORGING DOCUMENTS?" When that didn't work, I said I was a CDC staffer who'd tracked an outbreak of the flesh-eating bacteria to their gyno. "Aren't you that idiot that called before?" one demanded. "No," I said quickly. "It's the same phone number!" I HATE CALLER ID!!So I flew to Houston & met my friend Suki from Splendora, who said I was nuts. "Look, I know the broad's name," I said. "A source told me she's in the poultry business. Vamos!" We began hitting the poultry farms, posing as Church's Fried Chicken scouts with some IDs we'd forged at Kinkos. And I hate chickens; they can smell fear.