May 16, 2006

I GUESS THIS MEANS THE CALL TO PRAYER IS CANCELLED TODAY

Posted by Jeff at 05:57 AM | Comments (7)

April 29, 2006

"HAD IT BEEN A HOMO BROTHEL, THEY'D BE LINING UP FOR THE GROUP RATE..."

Posted by Jeff at 12:49 AM | Comments (1)

April 28, 2006

I GUESS ASTRONAUT IS OFF THE TABLE

In an effort to present a modern, cosmopolitan face to the world, Saudi Arabia is phasing out the sick fucks, lechers, & molesters salesmen in its world-renowned lingerie shops & replacing them with saleswomen: "The problem is not the lack of Saudi women workers but with creating better job atmosphere."

Also, the fact that women aren't allowed to drive or appear in public without their owners. The Labor Ministry has launched a campaign aimed at employing 200,000 women:

"Some of the jobs that have been identified for Saudi women are receptionists, tailors, banquet hall employees, nutritionists [aka cooks], governesses, beauticians, caterers, and hospitality & recreation industry workers [use your imagination]."

Posted by Jeff at 06:46 AM | Comments (2)

April 20, 2006

FAN MAIL!

Actually, I don't get any, but my friend Jane the Hedgehog does. Jane's blog, Armies of Liberation, documents corruption in Yemen, where President Ali Abdullah Saleh rules by nepotism & unlucky journalists are imprisoned. Jane seems to have developed a strong following among Middle Eastern males:

"YOU ARE REALLY VERY STRANGE AMERICAN NON GOD BELIEVER INTRODER, DONT YOU HAVE A MAN TO GARD YOU? A FATHER, BROTHER OR HUSBAND? TO EDUCATE YOU & GUARD YOU & PREVENT YOU FROM BECOMING A STREET IMPOLITE WOMAN?  WE DOT WANT YOUR BAD DEMOCRACY? WHY DONT LEAVE YEMEN POLITICS & GET COSERNED WITH YOUR HUSBAND IF YOU HAVE ONE! STAY IN YOUR HOME IF YO HAVE THE LEAST DIGNITY."

Another:

"WOMENS ARE HAVE HALF BRAIN,HALF RELIGON & HALF MONEY INHERITANCE. WOMANS ARE IMPORTANT TO THE SOSIEIEY IF STAY IN HOUSE COOKING, GIVING BIRTH TO CHILDREN GIVENING PLEASARE TO HUSBAND OBEYING HIM THEN DIE & GO TO PARADISE. SHE GO OUTSIDE HOUSE ONLY TWO TIMES ONE FROM HER FATHER TO HER HUSBAND THE TWO FROM HER HOUSE TO HER GRAVE.  WE DONT LIKE WEST LIFE WITH WOMANS IN THE STREETS EVERY MAN TAKING THEM TO MAKE PLESURE."

Posted by Jeff at 12:43 PM | Comments (19)

April 12, 2006

THIS SHIT IS REALLY STARTING TO PISS ME OFF

Posted by Jeff at 06:29 AM | Comments (1)

April 10, 2006

HOW THE WEST WAS WON

Posted by Jeff at 06:40 AM | Comments (5)

April 09, 2006

HOMEWORK: CRISIS IN EUROPE

Bruce Bawer, author of While Europe Slept, has a long piece in Hudson Review that's worth printing out & reading. "Crisis in Europe" is his experience of moving to Amsterdam in 1998, expecting a liberal, uh, Mecca, & instead finding a city & a continent that was rapidly fracturing along cultural fault lines between secular liberalism & medieval Islam.  And no one wanted to talk about it. Crisis in Europe

Posted by Jeff at 04:07 PM | Comments (1)

April 06, 2006

CLASSMATES JIHAD™

In the late 90s, Afghanistan was the destination for young ambitious Islamonutters from godforsaken hellholes all over the world. Where else could you have so much fun stoning defenseless women, doing the Benihana on your ethnic rivals, & squashing sodomites like pillbugs? Then George Bush & his gang of neocon war criminals spoiled the party. If you're a displaced jihadi wondering what happened to one of the other 50,000 Mohammads you used to party with, look no further.  (H / t Beth)

Posted by Jeff at 07:51 AM | Comments (1)

April 03, 2006

OKAY, NOW THEY'RE GOING TOO FAR

Australian-born Sheik Faiz Mohammad of Global Islamic Youth Centre in Liverpool has denounced Days of our Lives, because it shows "premarital sex is fashionable, that manipulation, deceit, cheating, lying, falsehood are all essential ways to get the man or lady of your dreams." A fatwa on Sami Brady!

Posted by Jeff at 05:04 PM | Comments (3)

March 28, 2006

PLEASE DON'T RAIN ON MY JIHAD

Here is a rather long-winded article titled Sudan to Rally Against Foreign Troops in Darfur, which I will briefly summarize:

"We, the jihadi psychopaths ruling Sudan, object to any foreign intervention until we have completed our genocide & wholesale slaughter of the non-Arab, non-Muslim South & our ruined country has been absorbed into the worldwide ummah.

"After that, we'll gladly demand humanitarian aid, especially UN aid, that highly fungible commodity that so easily disappears into hidden coffers & Swiss banks & rarely makes it to the starving wretches it's theoretically meant to help. Now fuck off."

Posted by Jeff at 06:53 AM | Comments (1)

March 19, 2006

I'M GONNA WASH THAT IMAM RIGHT OUTTA MY HAIR

Professional guest-blogger MacStansbury, the Ryan Seacrest of the blogging world, tipped me off to this list of 20 world-changing inventions from the Islamic world. It's inspired by a road show touring England to build self-esteem among Muslims, who are often treated as if they have contributed little to the world except a great big pain in the ass.

Among the items chronicled are shampoo, coffee (Ethiopia), the camera obscura (10th Century), hang gliding (Cordoba, 875), distillation (c.800), the crank shaft (15th Century), many medical equipment staples, windmills (Persia), inoculation, fountain pens, trigonometry, overpriced Persian carpets, checks, rockets & torpedoes (prophetic), the three-course meal, & botanical gardens.

The exhibition only covers items up to the 15th Century, so I compiled a list of post-15th Century world-shattering inventions from the Muslim world:  .

See also The Muslims of Invention

Posted by Jeff at 06:58 PM | Comments (12)

March 01, 2006

OFFICIAL MUSLIM HOW-OFFENDED-ARE-YOU METER

Posted by Jeff at 12:12 AM | Comments (4)

February 24, 2006

I'M NOT SURE THAT'S SUCH A GOOD IDEA...

Posted by Jeff at 12:34 AM | Comments (4)

February 18, 2006

OKAY, NOW THE ISLAMONUTTERS ARE GOING TOO FAR...

Posted by Jeff at 06:12 PM | Comments (5)

WELL IF THAT'S THE WAY YOU FEEL ABOUT IT...

...then we'll just boycott Muslim products. Oh wait — there aren't any.

Posted by Jeff at 01:18 PM | Comments (9)

February 13, 2006

THROW MOHAMMED FROM THE TRAIN

Posted by Jeff at 12:53 PM | Comments (15)

February 08, 2006

'SPONTANEOUS' COMBUSTION & OTHER MYTHS

Can you think of anyone who might have an interest in keeping this on the front page instead of this?

Posted by Jeff at 01:08 PM | Comments (3)

February 07, 2006

SHARIAH 1, SCIENCE 0

A paternity suit that rocked Egypt ended with the court ruling against the mother, despite the fact a DNA test confirmed the man was the father. That's right: the court (Egyptian jurisprudence is based in Islamic law) ruled that since the woman couldn't provide documentation that the two had a secret 'urfi' marriage, paternity could not be established, DNA be damned.

The case pitted Ahmed al-Fishawy, a pious soap opera actor who hosted an advice show for Muslim youth, against Hind el Hinneway, who was both praised & vilified for breaking Egypt's code of silence & refusing to have an abortion.

Hinneway said that she & Fishawy had an urfi marriage, often made with no witnesses & used 1) by people too poor to afford the cost of marriage, & 2) as a cover for affairs. According to Hinneway, Fishawy tore up the paper contract (men usually keep the contract, & can destroy it when convenient). So women in Egypt are stuck between Islam & a hard place. This is not just a matter of semantics:

Under Egyptian law, a birth certificate is needed to get an identity card, which then allows access to services such as school enrollment & children's health services. However, a birth certificate cannot be issued without the father's name.

Serves the tramp right!

Posted by Jeff at 12:52 AM | Comments (7)

February 06, 2006

SOOOOEY! DANISH IMAMS BUSTED!

Posted by Jeff at 07:42 PM | Comments (4)

February 03, 2006

INTERNATIONAL OFFEND-A-MUSLIM DAY

**scroll for special Doonesbury update!**

Are these the cartoons they mean?

...it's the scent of a thousand years of cultural stagnation
...of getting your ass kicked from Tikrit to Tora Bora
...the menthol tang of your buddy's shaved-for-martyrdom ass
...the gelignite confidence of a killer as comfortable in Baghdad & Bali
     as Madrid & Manhattan
...It's 7th Century savagery with 21st Century precision
...It's the horny bouquet of Eternity spent porking 72 virgins whose hymens grow back every time, like those lizards when you cut off their tails, you know the ones I'm talking about.

Jihad le Parfum, by Beautiful Atrocities

And for her: Shariah Feminine Hygiene Spray, because it's not just good hygiene; it's the law

Adnan is wired for style in this casual yet striking ensemble that explodes right off the runway. The smoldering aura of repressed psychosexual confusion is easy to achieve with zip-up low-rise chaps made from hand-distressed pigskin lamb leather. One pocket with Velcro closure, perfect for cell phone or box cutters. Beach friendly, yet also translates to the street with ease, where your gelignite confidence will blow away shoppers, schoolchildren, & Jew dogs. Perfect for high holidays!

Still not offended? See Jihad Blonde; Jihad the Musical; Jihad TV; Jihad Cola

Also America's Most Blaphemous Cartoonists; In Search of a Brave American Newspaper; Theo Van Gogh's Submission

Not Safe for Anywhere: Goatse Mohammed (some interesting stuff, if you can get past, you know...)

Muslims Call for a Day of Anger! Q: How would you tell?

UPDATE: Wow, cartoonists in Europe are under death threat, yet our most tired brilliant cartoonist, Garry Doonesbury Trudeau, remains silent! What gives? I zapped an email to Slate's Doonesbury central:

"Garry! Your fellow cartoonists in Europe are under death threat. Yet no word from you. We're all waiting for your wisdom on this. Let's hope you're not going to be as silent as the Hollywood foreign policy experts were when a gay Dutch filmmaker was murdered for his art."

Send Garry a message! See also Night of the Living Doonesbury

Posted by Jeff at 07:29 AM | Comments (49)

January 30, 2006

BOO FUCKING HOO PT. 1

Posted by Jeff at 07:15 AM | Comments (4)

January 23, 2006

STILL SEARCHING FOR HUMOR IN THE MUSLIM WORLD...

I mean, if you can't laugh at this, you've got a problem. And that red leotard is really getting to me. Grrrrr! But will Galloway be the next celebrity KO'd? Video: the Lady in Red!

See also Let's Hear it for the Leotard

Posted by Jeff at 07:36 AM | Comments (11)

January 13, 2006

2006 HAJJ-O-METER™

In the running tally for this year's Mecca human stampede invitational, 345 pilgrims were killed in the annual Trampling of the Faithful obstacle course, a disappointing showing by organizers who'd hoped to exceed 1990's all-time record of 1426 fatalities, but still better than 2004's lackluster 244. 

Saudi authorities reacted with deep boredom. "This was fate destined by God," sighed the aptly named Maj. Gen. Mansour al-Turki. "It cannot stop what God has preordained," added Crown Prince Sultan Bin Abdel Blah Blah. [actual quotes]

The seasonal E-ticket massacre takes place during something called the stoning of the devil ritual, about which it's best not to inquire. Originally, it was a camel knock-off of Pamplona's running of the bulls, but after nude PETA protests, was changed to a cruelty-free Muslim faithful Thunderdome.

A required pilgrimage for every able-bodied Muslim, the hajj amounts to a mandated Saudi tourist trap / vacation hell.  In America, it would be like every citizen forced to visit Tucson. This year's hajj drew over 2.5 million visitors, easily dwarfing Dollywood's Festival of Nations (Dollywood visitors, however, are not required to shave their pubes).

As a future precaution, the labyrinthine ramps, turnstiles, monorails, & log rides are being redesigned by Six Flags Over Apartheid to streamline the swarming carnage.

See also Hajj Can Be Hazardous to Your Health

Posted by Jeff at 12:04 AM | Comments (31)

January 06, 2006

IF POVERTY CAUSED TERRORISM, I WOULD HAVE TAKEN YOU ALL OUT BY NOW

Posted by Jeff at 07:56 PM | Comments (1)

I LOST MY HEAD OVER ISLAM

Dear Stupid British Homos,

I see you're having the PC vapors after the renegade Gay & Lesbian Humanist Assn said - are you ready? - Islam is homophobic. No. Shit. Sherlock.  As a fellow homo, this seems gratuitous, but in PC England it's so over the top that GLHA execs resigned in disgrace & issued groveling apologies, gay luminaries voiced concern, & something sinister called London-wide Race Hate Crime Forum is pursuing prosecution.

Here's an excerpt of GLHA's vile filth, which actually suggested that medieval Muslim immigrants who don't send their daughters to school & think Jews perpetrated the WTC attacks don't share Western values:

"What is wrong with being fearful of Islam? (There is a lot to fear) ... What does a moderate Muslim do, other than excuse the real nutters by adhering to this barmy doctrine?"

Holy crap. An outraged gay Muslim group [sic] called the article outrageous. Excuse me, but what kind of stupid shit-eating gays apologize for a 7th Century religion whose 21st Century practice includes killing them? In this case, hatred is an appropriate response, & should be encouraged.

While you queens have been frauleining about gay marriage, homos under barmy Islam have been crushed, hung, stoned, & beheaded.  I notice that 60% of British Muslims want Shariah law. Have you seen their birthrate compared to non-Muslim Brits? Maybe GLHA should start running more timely articles like Scaffold-Proof Styling Mousse & Fabulous Accessories from Neck to Toe!

George Bernard Shaw, that pacifist flaneur, said if the Nazis landed, he'd welcome them as tourists. New flash, sisters: the tourists are already in the house. Under Shariah, you'll really be giving head, & not in a good way. Then you'll be clicking your Giorgio Brutini heels together for asylum in Kansas, but we have enough problems without a bunch of grievance queens & speech monitors. Besides, you'd really hate our First Amendment; it doesn't go well with yellow.

Your friend,
Jeff

See also Winston Churchill on Islam; Sad for Them, but What About My Bridal Shower?; Pandering to Islamists, Abandoning Gays; Iran's Anti-gay Pogrom

'Islamophobia' is a misnomer. A phobia describes an irrational fear, & fearing the effects of radical Islam is not irrational, but very well-founded indeed, so if you want to speak of a legitimate phobia we should speak of Islamophobia-phobia, the fear of & revulsion towards Islamophobia. — roger kimball

Posted by Jeff at 07:06 AM | Comments (64)

December 07, 2005

GADDAFI PRIZE WINNER: MUSLIMS NOT SCARY ENOUGH

Ex-Malaysian PM Mahathir Mohammed accepted the 2005 Gaddafi Prize for Human Rights (sic), saying "It is an honor. It's even nicer to receive the award initiated by Libya, a country that has never oppressed or colonized others."

Mahathir, who previously told us Jews rule the world, condemned human rights violations at Abu Ghraib & Guantanamo, & upbraided Muslims for not thinking bigger: "We don't plan for ultimate victory, for a long-term solution. We merely seek revenge." He urged his listeners to instill respect & fear in their detractors, & follow the example of the Prophet to realize the worldwide ummah:

"His struggle resulted in Islam being spread from Spain to China. If he could struggle for 23 years, who are we to wish for victory overnight? The ummah must be prepared to struggle much longer, to patiently plan a good strategy & make necessary preparations to regain the status, if not the glory of the Great Muslim Civilization,"

Posted by Jeff at 12:13 AM | Comments (1)

November 30, 2005

THE BEAUTIFUL ATROCITIES INTERVIEW: SYLVIA - ONE OF THE 72 VIRGINS

We're talking with Sylvia, one of the 72 virgins assigned to pamper newly slaughtered jihadis in the Muslim Paradise. Contrary to popular opinion, it's a communal pool of 72 virgins, not 72 virgins apiece, so these ladies have been very busy since 9/11.

Beautiful Atrocities: Hi Sylvia, have a seat.
Sylvia: Are you kidding me?
BA: Sorry. I guess you girls have been pretty busy lately?
Sylvia: Can we talk?? The line is longer than the goddamn DMV.
BA: Describe it.
Sylvia: Well, it's Paradise, so of course it's gorgeous, lots of pillows, organza in loud colors - no pastels - tchotchkes from Pier 1, Thompson seedless grapes, Posturepedic mattresses, pillows—
BA: It's a whorehouse.
Sylvia: Thank you.
BA: Is it glamorous?
Sylvia: You know, if you go up there thinking it's going to be like Pretty Woman, you're going to be disappointed, okay? I mean, you can't imagine some of the tired, worn-out, saggy old wrecks. And that's just the clientele, HA!
BA: They ride the pony pretty hard?
Sylvia: Seriously? Most of 'em go for the comely youths*.
BA: Really?? Mohammed Atta?
Sylvia: Oh girlfriend! She's a screamer!!
BA: Thanks Sylvia, I'll let you get back to the old grind-stone - get it?
Sylvia: Kiss my ass.

*"And around them will be youths of perpetual freshness, youths of such beauty that you would think them scattered pearls."

UPDATE: I relayed a commenter's question to Sylvia during one of her 10-minute breaks: Do the female suicide bombers get 72 Chippendales?  Sylvia: "They are immediately handed mops & assigned custodial duties."

Posted by Jeff at 06:35 AM | Comments (15)

November 29, 2005

CAN'T YOU IDIOTS TAKE A JOKE?

Recently, several people were upset by a British news report that Bush planned to bomb Al Jazeera, an action some viewed as a bad thing. Do you agree? Who do you think Bush should bomb?
	The BBC
	New York Times editorial offices
	Pajamas Media
	PBS telethons (preferably carpet-bombing)
	Nancy Grace's ass
	Lifetime Television for Women
	That phreaky Sabado Gigante show
	Maximum Broadway Showtunes Radio
	Munuviana
	Beautiful Atrocities

See also Please Don't Bomb Us!

Posted by Jeff at 12:41 AM | Comments (9)

November 25, 2005

"AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO'S NAKED UNDER THIS THING?"

Posted by Jeff at 09:02 PM | Comments (0)

November 21, 2005

JIHAD BLONDE

She came into the joint wearing a seething red burqa micromini, Gucci backpack & stilettoes, & a thunderhead of nihilism. Everyone  watched as she approached the bar, her rear suspension swinging back & forth like a bottle of hot sauce.

"What'll it be?" I croaked.

"Cup of joe with a straw," she said.  Through the corrugated mouth vent, her lips were as thin & red as a surgeon's scalpel. I couldn't see her eyes, but I had a feeling they were the frosty blue of an iceberg & I was her Titanic.

"Cream?" I asked.

"Lots," she said. "I like my coffee like my men - weak."

Her perfume was annihilating. "Chanel?" I asked, but she shook her head.

"Cordite by Faberge."  She had a smoked voice, like Lauren Bacall or a smoldering schoolbus.

"So," I said, "what's a bombshell like you doing in a place like this?"

"Community service," she said, & snorted a girlish, staccato machine-gun laugh. I had to know more about her.

"Where'd you pick up that accent?" I asked. "Kandahar? Mogadishu?"

"Tiffany's," she said, & we both laughed.

"You got a name?" I said.

"Daisy."

"Like the flower?"

"No, the cutter."

I would die for this broad. "Cigarette?" I offered.

"Thanks."  Our fingers brushed, & hers were as cold as jello in Mongolia.

"Light?"

"No thanks," she grinned, & reached slowly for her backpack. "I've got just the thing right here..."

available from harlequin jihad

Posted by Jeff at 06:16 AM | Comments (13)

November 11, 2005

FIRST LADY OF FRANCE

'Every beautiful flower ends up surrounded by weeds.' - Cyanide blonde / grief-stricken widow / fag hag Suha Arafat

To honor the anniversary of the death of homosexual terror master / Nobel Peace Prize winner Yasser Arafat, we are reposting our profile of his lovely widow.

Nablus-born Christian, raised Greek Orthodox. Daughter of wealthy Oxford-educated banker Daoud Tawil & inflammatory journalist Ramonda Tawil. Educated at Sorbonne. Met former confirmed bachelor Arafat in Amman. Was 'economic adviser' to Arafat in Tunis. Married when he was 61, she 27.

Visited Gaza refugee camps in luxury blue BMW. In food drive for Iraqi children under sanctions, had every outgoing box stamped 'a gift from the first lady of Palestine.' 10 year old daughter Zahwa has Palestinian amusement park named in her honor. Claims Arafat sang Frere Jacques to daughter (hard to believe)

Nickname in Palestinian press: Miss Moneybags. Who she admires: Hillary Clinton. Friends: Shapari Khashoggi, Queen Rania of Jordan. Wears: Louis Féraud, Christian Louboutin. (When Arafat sat next to Catherine Deneuve at dinner, Suha had to explain who she was. )

Arafat fortune estimated $300 million (Forbes), $1.3 billion (Mossad), $4.2 billion (IMF). According to PA, Suha received monthly stipend of $100,000, which means Israeli figure of $1 million per month more likely. Owns villa on gold standard Rue Fauborg St Honore, also maintains lavish suite at 5-star Hotel Le Bristol.

Investigated for money laundering when $11.4 million showed up in French account, about the time IMF discovered $778 million 'hole' in PA funds. Suha's response:"Ariel Sharon is responsible for this vicious leak. What's strange about the rais [president] sending money to his wife overseas, especially when I handle Palestinian matters and interests?"

In Gaza appearance with Hillary Clinton: "Our people have been subjected to the daily & extensive use of poisonous gas by the Israeli forces, which has led to an increase in cancer cases among women & children." [Clinton: smooches with Suha 'worst mistake' of Senate campaign]

Current financial advisor: Pierre Rizk, who headed intelligence service of Phalanga during Lebanese civil war & was in close contact with guerrilla group responsible for the massacre at Sabra & Shatilla refugee camp in 1982 [!].

On snogging a murderer: "I married a myth. But the marriage helped him step down from his pedestal & become a human being."

Palestinian PM Mahmoud Abbas to Arafat: "It's her or me."

Suha's guide to fitness & beauty: "I do 1 hour of aerobics every day to release the tensions. Thank God for (beauty) creams."

Suha's advice for political wives: "This is the best advice I can give to Sara Netanyahu: demonstrate self-confidence exactly like Hillary Clinton."

Unnamed PA legislator: "She was in fact the first lady of France."

Gaza policeman: "I once saw Arafat kiss a wounded man's groin, but Suha sits as far away as possible. You get the feeling that if she were to move even an inch closer, she would become ill."

On fine French healthcare: "Our child was conceived in Gaza, but sanitary conditions there are terrible. I don't want to be a hero & risk my baby."

On Arafat's advisors: "And as if a rooster on the garbage heap we have our own ministers, who build their private palaces right at the neighbors of the refugee camps."

On haute terrorism: "If we want to be a Palestinian state, we have to be avant garde."

Suha's guide to marital bliss: "I argue only when I know what I want. It is hard to influence Arab men. The Arab male is not influenced by a woman. It goes in one ear and out the other."

On living with gangsters: "It was not easy to enter into their world. It is a man's world, & very closed -- like a family with a lot of intermarriages, &, well, you know the result of that."

What she would do with a son: "There would be no greater honor than to sacrifice him for the Palestinian cause."

On her man: "It wasn't fate; it was love."

On being a stay-at-home wife: "When I complain of being neglected, he offers me souvenirs and symbols of the Palestinian revolution."

Commentator Muhammad Yaghi on the Palestinians' bond with Suha: "Really, they want only to forget her."

Fatmah Faqih, Ramallah refugee on Suha: "She lives in hotels. We live in ditches."

On her daughter Zahwa: "She is totally her father. A real authoritarian."

On Oslo: "Peace is a lie."

On hope in the Middle East: "I hate the Israelis."

On her enemies in the PA: "History will judge them."

SUHAGRAPHY: Debka on $ecret deal between PA & Suha. Daniel Pipes: Arafat's Bedroom Farce. Deborah Sontag: Arab Militant in High Heels. Barry Rubin: The Woman Behind the Curtain. Suha Arafat: Ramallah's Lady Macbeth. Red Horizons: Memoirs of Romanian spy chief contains lurid details of Arafat's gay romps. Bird Cage Liners

Posted by Jeff at 07:30 AM | Comments (5)

June 13, 2005

RECIPES FROM THE ELDERS OF ZION COOKBOOK:
SABBATH BREAD WITH ARAB INFANT PLASMA

This is a recipe my grandmother taught me. I have beloved memories of holding a squirming, mouth-watering Arab infant while gramms sharpened the butcher knives & told us colorful tales about the shtetl. This is a wonderful bread to make because the dough turns a lovely rose-pink & perfumes the house with the infinite melancholy of vanquished glory.

NOTE: if you have pets, keep them locked up. It's heartbreaking to be setting out your ingredients, only to look outside & see the dog playing Frisbee with your leavening. Ingredients:

1 Arab infant, ripe, not too gamey
Oil, preferably Halutza
Dead Sea salt
Eggs
Good quality flour
Kosher honey
Poppy seeds for crust

Any large Jewish community will have an Arab infant provider. When in doubt, ask your local rabbi, although he'll probably take a cut. If you have a coupon, so much the better. However, this is the one & ONLY time you must not go for the cheapest deal.

My friend Cloris, the proctologist's wife, always bragged about her dirt-cheap Arab infant connection. Well, her Sabbath bread tasted like goat chow. Turns out, the guy was passing her Guatemalan babies!  Like I really want epazote in my Sabbath bread!! OY VEY.

Your supplier will usually offer you an assortment. Handy pocket guide:

TURKEY: AAK! Not Arab! Do not use unless you have a thing for grease & gas!
LIBYA: Strong Old World stock, can be a handful. Keep mallet handy
MOROCCO: Bit briny, sharp as a Beaujolais when fresh
SAUDI ARABIA : Quality much degraded. Season liberally.
GAZA: Cheap, runty, poor quality. Tough & stringy. Pound first.
RAMALLAH: Adequate, affordable. One less suicide bomber to worry about.
BEDOUIN: Exquisite, expensive. For special occasions. NOTE: Make sure it's real Bedouin & not cheap Sicilian knock-off.
SYRIA: Excellent smoked over camel dung
EGYPT: Pickle in vinegar first to remove odor
IRAQ: Excellent & plentiful! Do your part to rebuild the economy of Iraq!
IRAN: NOT Arab. Does make healthful smoothie with tamarind, paraffin, & anchovies

Of course, I needn't tell you not to waste the discards. Use them for a nourishing soup stock, sausage fillers, or throw them on the compost pile, & your daffodils will be the envy of the neighborhood. Or cook down the remains, stir with honey, & use as face cream. SHABBAT SHALOM!

See also Michelle Malkin: The Gitmo Cookbook

Posted by Jeff at 12:44 AM | Comments (10)

May 06, 2005

JANE AT ARMIES OF LIBERATION: BLOGGER DENOUNCED BY AL QAEDA

Note to Al Qaeda: I never met the bitch, okay?

Posted by Jeff at 08:44 AM | Comments (0)

May 03, 2005

GET THE FABULOUS ISLAMIC MAKEOVER

Can you tell which photo is before & which is after? Winner gets free makeover.

Posted by Jeff at 01:17 PM | Comments (20)

March 22, 2005

           ::: click :::

Posted by Jeff at 03:06 PM | Comments (5)

March 21, 2005

JIHAD: THE MUSICAL

ACT I - MADRASSA

OVERTURE

Mohammed, a Muslim youth, arrives at Ye Olde Madrassa, run by lecherous cleric Rashid, who raps about how Muslims will slaughter all infidels

RASHID: Jihad on the Dance Floor

At night, madrassa boys compare extremely limited knowledge of girls

MADRASSA BOYS CHORUS LINE: 72 Virgin Stomp

Mohammed receives letter from sister Nasreen, who wonders what life is like outside of burqa.

NASREEN: A Little Scratchy Under Here

Robert Fisk, masochistic lefty journalist, is beaten up by madrassa boys, to his delight

FISK: I've Been a Bad, Bad Boy

Rashid dreams of chain of bargain basement madrassas to continue youth outreach

RASHID: Just Let Me Get My Hands on You

MADRASSA BOYS WET DREAM SEQUENCE, featuring burqa-clad can-can chorus

ACT II - AFGHANISTAN

Mohammed & Taliban perform ritual pre-martyrdom grooming

TALIBAN CHORUS: A Close Shave

MOHAMMED: What I Did for Jihad

Mohammed meets American Taliban, who tells of journey from hippy dippy Marin County

JOHN WALKER LINDH:  A Long Way From Whole Foods

On 9/11, Osama bin Laden gloats to lieutenants about WTC attacks

OSAMA BIN LADEN: My Bad

TALIBAN CHORUS: Pushing Up Daisy Cutters / 72 Virgin Stomp (reprise)

ACT III - GUANTANAMO

Mohammed & Gitmo detainees complain about weather while writing letters to secure their release

DETAINEES: Cuban Heat Mambo / Dear Mr. Chomsky

JOHN WALKER LINDH: (I'm so) Misunderstood

Mohammed receives letter from Nasreen, shocked to learn she's forsaken burqa, moved to newly-free Kabul, &d a paper bag store

NASREEN: Sensible Shoes

Lefty journalist Robert Fisk laments spread of democracy in Arab world

FISK: The Only Quagmire (Is in My Pants)

In ruined bunker, Osama bin Laden & lieutenants perform in motorized wheelchairs, reflecting on strategic blunder of 9/11

OSAMA BIN LADEN (REPRISE): My Bad

Mohammed is released to changed world: nascent democracy in Iraq & Afghanistan, pro-democracy protests across Arab World

MOHAMMED: Who Let the Genie Out?

Unable to find work with global jihad, Mohammed takes shit job with Lefty rag in England. On first day, beats up Robert Fisk.

FISK / MOHAMMED (REPRISE): I've Been a Bad, Bad Boy / What I Did for Jihad

Posted by Jeff at 07:52 AM | Comments (16)

March 10, 2005

SONDRA K & THE TWELVE MOHAMMEDS

A while back, I wrote a post called I've Got a Terrorist in My House about a woman who found herself living with an Islamonutter. Since then, I've received many emails from  women worried they're in the same boat. Here's a sample letter, from a woman I'll identify only as Sondra K for her protection:

Dear Beautiful Atrocities,

I'm afraid I'm married to one of them Islamonutters too. It all started when my Italian hubby suddenly introduced me to his 'cousin' Mohammed. I'm like, 'Gee, would that be the wop part of Pakistan, honey?' Then he started screaming, 'I am God! Follow the rules!' WTF???!!!!

Suddenly creepoids were coming out of the woodwork & I'm running a f*cking hostel. You haven't lived till you've accidentally served 12 guys named Mohammed pigs-in-a-blanket. I had to put up signs like NO SHAVING YOUR ASS ON THE GODDAMN COUNTER & DEODORANT IS YOUR FRIEND.

One day hubby asked me to take some pix of Der Weinerschnitzel with my Titty Cameraâ„¢. It wasn't so different from our usual games, so I went along with it. A few days later the damn place blew up. 'My god,' I told Margi Lowry over cocktails, 'that could have been me!!!!!'

One day I found one of our guests wearing my stewardess costume while another snuck up on him with box cutters. Needless to say, it was all stretched out. By the time hubby got home, I'd polished off a pitcher of martinis. 'Okay,' I fumed, 'I'm sharing my home with a bunch of nancy-boys who are using my Nair & wearing my clothes. ARE YOU A F*CKING HOMOSEXUAL OR WHAT???'

One night I found the twelve Mohammeds burying some suitcase shit in the garden. 'If you tear up my peonies, you'll need the microcondoms!' I screamed. I didn't think about it again until I noticed my tomatoes were the size of basketballs & my sunflowers were clipping low-flying planes.

When I overheard hubby wiring money to Tora Bora, I wept: he was playing the horses again. But the last straw was when he told me we couldn't have alcohol in the house because of his mom. 'Your mom is a goat-f*cking whore!' I snapped. 'Not Mom, Imam,' he said. 'What,' I said, 'are you friends with David Bowie now?' WTF is going on?????

Dear Sondra K,

Either your husband is an Islamonutter, or he's a homo & you're living with the Village People. Get out.

Posted by Jeff at 04:45 PM | Comments (48)

February 15, 2005

JIHAD, THE FRAGRANCE

It's the scent of a thousand years of cultural stagnation...
of getting your ass kicked from Tikrit to Tora Bora...
the menthol tang of your buddy's shaved for martyrdom ass...
the gelignite confidence of a killer as comfortable in Darfur & Kashmir
     as Madrid & Manhattan...
It's 7th Century savagery with 21st Century precision,
It's the horny bouquet of Eternity spent porking 72 virgins whose hymens
    grow back every time, like those lizards when you cut off their tails,
    you know the ones I'm talking about.

Jihad le Parfum, by Beautiful Atrocities

And for her: Sharia Feminine Hygiene Spray, because it's not just good hygiene; it's the law

See also Jihad Male

Posted by Jeff at 06:16 AM | Comments (9)

February 04, 2005

JIHAD MALE

Adnan is wired for style in this casual yet striking ensemble that explodes right off the runway. The smoldering aura of repressed psychosexual confusion is easy to achieve with zip-up low-rise chaps made from hand-distressed pigskin lamb leather. One pocket with Velcro closure, perfect for cell phone or box cutters. Beach friendly, yet also translates to the street with ease, where your gelignite confidence will blow away shoppers, schoolchildren, & Jew dogs. Perfect for high holidays. 

Baggy fit available for seasoned jihadis who need that roomy-in-the-seat feel to exit this mortal coil without chafing.  Pewter necklace with antique plating & toggle closure. Eyeware by Tora Bora. Professional leather clean only.

See also JIHAD JUICERS

Posted by Jeff at 12:26 AM | Comments (20)

January 16, 2005

JIHAD JUICERS

Posted by Jeff at 03:18 PM | Comments (0)

January 07, 2005

REAL QUESTIONS FROM ASK-THE-IMAM.COM
Islamic Q&A Online with Mufti Ebrahim Desai

Q: I need to know what is the fatwa for passing gas from the front in women?
A: Passing wind from the front in women does not invalidate the Wudhu.

Q: When we bought our Nike clothes, we did not know that Nike meant Greek god. What should we do with these products we have?
A: It will suffice to remove the Nike logos from them.

Q: I am hearing that Princess Diana had accepted Islam before she passed away. What is your opinion?
A: It is possible.

Q: Is it permissible for me to ask my wife to pierce her navel strictly for my pleasure only??
A: Belly piercing is not permissible.

Q: What are the positions allowed for intercourse? Can wife sit on top of husband?
A: An Aayat of the noble Qur'aan states, 'Have sexual relations with your wives in any manner as long as it is in the frontng & not in the hindng.'

Q: I have to make a choice whether I should work with jews. Is it allowed or should we decline?
A: If there are other job opportunities besides this one, we suggest you give preference to another job.

Q: I have a bad habit of watching gay pornography. Please help.
A: Pornography is Haraam (strictly prohibited). To be gay is also Haraam. I suggest you obtain some literature about the fire of hell & its severe punishments.

Q: I look like a famous person in England called David Baddiel (he is a comedian). People call me Dave all the time. It is really annoying & depressing. I don't understand why Allah would give me this curse.
A: Remind the people around you that you are not a kafir & you are a Muslim faithful to your Deen.

Q: I would like to ask that does the size of the penis matter?. If so what size should it be? because i am worried.
A: If the penis is small but normal, it does not matter. If the penis is abnormal, for example, cut off, then that matters.

Q: Is it permissable to read the quran cross legged?
A: Yes.

Q: Is it permissible to read a book or newspaper in the toilet?
A: No.

Q: Is it permissable to read the quran cross legged on the toilet?
A: [Okay, I made that one up]

Q: Is there a prohibition against whistling?
A: It is not permissible to whistle. However, if there is a dire need & there is no alternative, then one will be excused.

Q: Ive read on da mosque board dat one of da sins r da pants below da ankles? from which hadith is this?
A: Wearing pants below the ankles is one of the major sins.

Q: During lunch break, I warm up my food in the same microwave that everybody uses. Please let me know if it is alright.
A: It is permissible to share a microwave with non-Muslims. It is advisable to wipe the oven before using it.

Q: Do we have to shave scrotum? What exactly is 'hind parts' that we have to shave?
A: One has to shave the scrotum. By hind parts is meant the circle around the anus, as faeces could get attached to any hair present there.

Q: I masturbated a few days ago & my auntie died few days later. Is this my fault?
A: Firstly, masturbation is not permitted in Islam. Second, masturbating does not effect the death of another person or can cause them any harm.

UPDATE: Iowahawk double-checks some of the questions with the reasonable Imam, who adds additional WTF enlightenment.

Via Blog Quebecois

Posted by Jeff at 02:06 AM | Comments (0)

December 27, 2004

'I'VE GOT A TERRORIST IN MY HOUSE!"

The Amber Frye Deaf, Dumb, & Blonde Award goes to Saraah Olson, who found herself living every woman's nightmare when her dream illegal alien husband turned out to be a murderous Islamonutter. Soon, her Orange County love nest was crawling with Al Qaeda sleepers, blind shiekhs, & hordes of young dusky-skinned men, all named 'Mohammed'.

This is actually NOT funny, because it could happen to just anyone. These terrorists are cunning, & managed to fool even Mensa member Saraah Olson. Here are some of the subtle signs Olson missed that could indicate your dream husband is a murderous Islamonutter:

• asks you out immediately after you turn down his visa application
• beats you & your child for minor infractions while screaming 'I am God! Follow the rules!'
• asks you to set up fake charity to funnel money overseas
• tries to recruit your son into terror network
• has creepoid friends who good-naturedly joke about America's streets running 'red with blood'
• rancid houseguests include blind sheikh, whom you later recognize in WTC terror reports

If you recognize any of these signs, you too may be married to a murderous Islamonutter! Be vigilant!

Via Little Green Footballs.

Posted by Jeff at 09:28 AM | Comments (0)

August 28, 2004

ELLE JIHAD

Nasreen wears an elegant peacock-blue silk scarf by Le Mystere, matching Avenue Montaigne three-button cashmere-blend blazer, smart Elliott Lucca 'Amore' clutch handbag, & a discreet backpack nuke by Khatami. Eyewear by Diesel.

BBC: Radical Islamists have started the first jihad magazine aimed at women, Al-Khansa. The magazine will combine fashion & beauty tips with helpful hints for the jihad wife (I'm not making that up) as well as inspirational messages:

"We have set our lines next to our men to support them, raise their children and be prepared. May God elevate us to martyrs. We will stand covered in our veils and abayas, with our weapons in our hands and our children in our arms. The blood of our husbands and the limbs of our children are an offering to God."

On child-raising: "Our main mission is to present lions to the battlefield."

On women warriors: "Women can fight without the permission of their husband or guardian since it would be a duty, and duties do not require consent."

Posted by Jeff at 11:07 AM | Comments (0)

August 01, 2004

AL JAZEERA COMEDY NETWORK

Al Jazeera, the All-Jihad All-the-Time News Channelâ„¢ and terrorist gofer, is rolling out its new Comedy Network, in hopes that 100 million Muslims have an appetite for something other than America-bashing anti-Semitic jeremiads & snuff films 24 hours a day. Here's a peek at the new fall lineup:

"Darcy & Drucilla": Sidesplitting comedy about two lovable loser suicide bombers who can't get arrested. After they gamble away their flight school fees, they hatch a plot to attain Paradise by blowing up a cocktail lounge for transvestites. When a vice cop catches them performing ritual shaving of each other's privates in restroom, the bumbling duo is forced to go undercover as drag queens 'Darcy' & 'Drucilla', leading to hilarious complications!

"I Left My Heart on Broadway": Nasreen, a shy but sensitive suicide bomber, arrives in Manhattan to blow up a matinee of CATS. Dazzled, she's soon sporting lipstick, control-top pantyhose, sensible shoes, and swooning over Jew dog Adam Sandler. When her boss Dr. Jihad shows up, he's furious to find the infidel Andrew Lloyd Weber schlockfest still running. Will the capital of international Jewry work its charms on Dr. Jihad, or will Nasreen be separated from her Mary Jane Hush Puppies at high-velocity speed?

"Palestinian Survivor/Extreme Home Makeover": Reality TV show about Palestinian couple Salim & Sylvia and their 13 children. Each week TV audience votes on which child will be martyred, and Sylvia receives a new home appliance for every 25 Zionist hooligans killed. Limit 13 episodes.

Absolutely Aisha!" Oprah-inspired hen party hosted by toxic tomato 'Doctor' Aisha Gaddafi*, who never met a terrorist she didn't like. The vivacious cyanide blonde works an audience of tent-clad women, covering fashion (Chador Summertacular!), entertainment (Adam Sandler: Agent of Zionist International), gender (Suicide Bombing: A Woman's Touch), and world history (Was Hitler On To Something?).

"Oh Nasreen!" Sitcom about long-suffering wife of worthless jihadi psychopath and their 7 children, all named Salim. Think Roseanne in Riyadh. Inspired by news item about Saudi raid where police found jihadi terrorist, wife & children calmly living with severed head of infidel in refrigerator:

"Fatma? It's Nasreen. Oh, I'm just peachy - hold on - SALIM! Put that THING back in the refrigerator before I cut your other hand off!! Honestly. No, Fatma, Big Mr. Terrorist won't drive me to the Cut'n'Curl, says I can walk. I'll wait till it cools down to 200 degrees. Asshole. Anyway, I just wanted to ask - hold on - SALIM! Roll that up, it's not a bedspread, it's my bathing suit! Don't talk back or I will jihad your face!! Yeesh. No, Fatma, Mr. Genius is too busy watching Adam Sandler movies. SALIM! If you fire that in here one more time, I will send you to Palestine where they explode kids like party favors! Go work on your science project! Who cares, we don't even have science in Islam! Glue some ashes on a shingle and call it the World Trade Center, HA! Some days, Fatma, the only thing keeping me going is my sense of humor."

*Q: If you were a professor at Al Fatih University in Libya, which is run by a one-party dictatorship, what grade would you give Colonel Gaddafi's daughter?

Posted by Jeff at 11:47 AM | Comments (1)