January 03, 2006

THE FEISTY WHORE INTERVIEW

Feisty is a 26yo working girl, blogger, & proud Republican, altho she hails from a blue state family & would never do Pat Robertson. She's a smart girl who relates the Iraqi elections to pimps n hos, & a not-so-smart girl who gets clobbered on cheap Norwegian piss. Herewith is the Feisty interview:

Beautiful Atrocities: Were you locked in a cupboard as a child?

Feisty: No, darling. For me to be locked in the cupboard, my mom or dad would've had to have been conscious or home.

BA: Do you pack heat?

Feisty:  Nope. Unless you are referring to those microwaveable dildos.

BA: No. Tell me about working girls.

Feisty: The vast majority are butt-frickin'-ugly due to drugs & alcohol. If you have any amount of attractiveness & aren't diseased, you're instantly mid or high-class. There's also a new breed of hookers which are like middle class teenagers who work the malls to get clothes & high class stuff. Kinda sad.

BA: Any role models?

Feisty: Mary Carey. [porno actress / Republican who ran against Arnold in California recall on platform to legalize ferrets, tax breast implants, & wire Governor's mansion with live web-cams]

BA: Do you think Hustle & Flow is an accurate view of the profession?

Feisty:  I haven't seen that. Based on the description, it appears the pimp has 'aspirations', which is totally false. I ain't never seen a pimp with aspirations.

BA: Let's talk about back-door action.

Feisty: Back door only occurs for a premium fee. People sometimes are rough & it's hard to pull that off without seething pain unless you're super turned-on. [Ed: I know] So it's rare, although not unheard of.  For rhoids, you can mix an amalgam of lidocaine topical anesthetic with Vaseline.

BA:. Unusual thing you keep in the fridge?

Feisty: If some shady people I don't know (like my pimp's boyz or something) are coming over sometimes I'll stash my jewelry in the freezer under the frozen broccoli.

BA: Kevin Federline or Justin Timberlake?

Feisty: They're both kinda scuzzy, but I'm going Timberlake

BA: How do you deal with really fugsly customers?

Feisty: 1) Gork oneself out on drugs or alcohol  2) Think about your next blog article to pass the time. I've actually doinked fugly-ass phreaks while thinking of Kelo.  3) Get really over-the-top dirty & hope he cums early!

BA: Do you consider yourself an entrepreneur?

Feisty: Most certainly. There is a lot of competition - wives, girlfriends, other whores, escorts - & I try to stand out by having a brain in addition to a smokin' hot body. People with crappy business skills (i.e. blowing all revenues on blow or failing to show up on time ) will just end up in jail or working at Wendy's...i.e. out of business.

BA: Worst part of your job? Best?

Feisty: The worst part is the constant low-grade fear of getting killed or harmed. Best part is getting to go to places & concerts I wouldn't be able to go otherwise.

BA: Do you think Guy cheats on Madonna?

Feisty: I actually think they're faithful. Could anyone else put up with that kabbalah blabber and lack of TV?

BA: Is it true that 99% of prostitutes are lesbians?

Feisty: Most are abused / confused individuals who are just looking for drug or Prada money, so I suppose most are bi or just 'whatever, I need a fix', if that's an orientation.

BA: Let's talk politics. How do you think Colonel Gaddafi would be in the sack?

Feisty: Libya's Hugh Hefner is all about the XXX group action after camel cruisin' for chicks in those fly silk desert pimpthreads. Unfortunately, my clients at the CIA told me that as a result of all those Desert Hos, his junk was the inspiration behind Libya's top secret Treponema Pallidum WMD Program. BYOP!

BA: Sean Hannity?

Feisty: No BJs & no anal EVER. Stuck in a loop of makeout, mish, & guilt. Makes up for it with some old fashioned romance, but still, the women tire & move on after they realize the loop is, in fact, a loop.

BA: Donald Rumsfeld?

Feisty: Don Juan Rumsfeld has been known to never sit down for an entire day's work.  I think he'd have tremendous stamina & wouldn't go for any of that lazy missionary BS.  Any position where the man stands....he's a master.  Helllooooooo sex swing!

BA: Ted Kennedy?

Feisty: Teddy's a fat, sloppy drunk, all about minimal effort then rolling over & falling asleep. Make sure you have Teddy's bottle of Valium at bedside to quell those early-morning DTs, otherwise, you'll have to haul his ass into the ER where the staff'll have to use one of those special lifts to drop him on a gurney & tie him in 4-point restraints.

BA: Dominique de Villepin?

Feisty: Mmmm, je veux que vous me foutiez, Dominique. Maintenant! While I want to get all wet with him on the cold subway station concrete, I'll totally get turned off by his penchant for those whitie tighties which, & I quote, "Remind [him] of [his] country's national drapeau."

BA: Al Gore?

Feisty: Al Gore thinks he's the hottest frickin' porn star ever to enter the bedroom when he's, in actuality, the equivalent to the pimply fluffer in some B gay porn movie. After a couple of rail rum & Diet Cokes (even his drink is boring!), he brags to his buddies Yeah, she wasn't so sure about making the sweet love until she saw my 18-inch Pantsmonster!

BA: Al Franken?

Feisty:  Totally self-centered. Totally not offering any oral. Watched that scene in American Psycho where the guy's doing that chick while looking in the mirror & thought, What's so bad about that? He just thinks about how hot he looks naked & goes on forever until the chick is forced to say, Are you done yet?  It's time for me to GO!

Posted by Jeff at 12:34 AM | Comments (15)

December 19, 2005

THE INDC BILL INTERVIEW

A hard-hitting interview with INDC Bill, the Lord Voldemort behind INDC Journal, one of the brightest success stories of the New Media, & a man widely noted for his scorn for Intelligent Design, his unrequited passions, & his tragic inability to play well with others.

BA: Have you ever been sent to anger management?
INDC: Back in Florida we called it the Lee County jail.
BA: Ever put your fist through a wall?
INDC: No, drywall knows when to keep its big fat mouth shut.
BA: If you were a doctor, what medication would you prescribe for Tom Cruise?
INDC:  Lorazepam 4 mg 2xpd baseline, 12 - 15 mg as needed for manic episodes. Trifluoperazine 10 mg, 3x daily for "Thetan suppression & removal" Lotronex .5mg 2xpd tapering up to 1g 2xpd for IBS
BA: Paula Abdul?
INDC: Gradually taper back current klonopin scrip to 2 mg 3xpd. Valtrex: 500 mg 1xpd suppressive, 500mg 2xpd for acute reduction of transmission, 500mg 2xpd - 3 days for recurrent outbreaks
BA: Lindsay Lohan?
INDC: Chlorpromazine 25 mg 3x per day initial, 50 mg 3x pd maintenance for A. Nervosa. Ceftriaxone 125 mg intramuscularly. Levonorgestrel 0.75mg as needed (1.5 mg recommended for usage related to Wilmer Valderrama)
BA: How much can you press?
INDC: Incline, decline or flat bench? Dumbbells or bar?
BA: Oh shut up. Has a man ever made a pass at you? If yes, was it Oliver Willis?
INDC: Yes, & No.
BA: Ever pissed next to someone famous?
INDC: No, but I farted while taking a picture with Mike Wallace.
BA: Worst vice?
INDC: Burr.
BA: Weak! Have you ever been asked to leave a bar or restaurant?
INDC: No, but I've been "told," "dragged" & "dragged & then tossed from."
BA: In terms of women, do you prefer clay court or Astroturf?
INDC: What the hell does that mean? [Clarification follows] In that case, I'm just happy to be hitting balls around.
BA:  How many restraining orders have been taken out on you?
INDC: Just the one [epithet removed].
BA: What woman do you consider a guilty pleasure?
INDC: I used to feel guilty about Hermione Granger, but John Derbyshire disabused me of such silly artificial shame constructs.
BA: Are you pee-shy?
INDC: Only on camera.
BA: Number of Madonna CDs you own?
INDC: Zero. If possible, that would be a negative integer.
BA: Do you think Mike Tyson got a bad rap?
INDC: Not really. Now Shaquille O'Neal, there's a man with a bad rap
BA: Do you think Kelly Clarkson should just go back to selling Avon & shut up?
INDC: That strikes me as a leading question.
BA: Smartest Republican?
INDC: Paul Wolfowitz, if he's a Republican. Otherwise, Rudy.
BA: Smartest Dem?
INDC: Hmmm. Well that's ... um ... ...
BA: What advice would you give Hillary Clinton for 2008?
INDC: On one of those fact-finding trips to Iraq, have yourself "accidentally" videotaped killing a jihadi with a hunting knife.
BA: To what do you attribute your Andrew Lloyd Weber obsession?
INDC: I saw Phantom in high school, & it stirred dormant musical tastes that I've since come to accept & ultimately embrace. But you know what? Deep down? I always knew. Since I was very young.
BA: What do you want for Christmas?
INDC: Final Christian Dominance over the Earth's damned hordes. But I'll settle for a copy of Prisoner of Azkaban on DVD.

Posted by Jeff at 05:03 AM | Comments (15)

January 12, 2005

MASOODA JALAL

41yo Tajik pediatrician. New Afghan Minister of Women's Affairs. 1 of 7 children. Studied psychiatry at Kabul Medical School, but switched to pediatrics when mental health dept shut down during civil war. Remained single until 30, & chose own husband.

When Taliban removed her from teaching position at Kabul University, became official with UN World Food Program, where boss forced her to sign statement that safety was her own responsibility: "I did it. I was not going to give up."

Also provided services to war widows all over country. Several employees of her assistance group were captured, & Taliban threatened to hang her. Married to philosophy professor Faizullah Jalal, who was also campaign manager. Has 3 children, aged 9, 7, & 3.

Ran against Karzai in 2002 loya jirga in campaign in which women candidates were shot at. Warlord Mohammed Fahim ordered Jalal's husband to rein her in. Came in distant 2nd, turned down position as VP. Ran against Karzai in historic presidential election, received 1% of vote.

Fiery independent who craftily cloaked campaign in virtue of motherhood. Campaign slogan: Vote for the Mother.

Afghan-born US Ambassador Zalmay Khalilzad on election: "It was a spectacular success," notes that many took special baths, dressed in best clothes to vote; some women wore henna on their hands, a wedding tradition,& others 'said their last prayers,' determined to vote even if it meant they might be killed.

Tribal council chief Tamim Nuristani says women all over country defied their husbands' instructions to vote along ethnic lines & voted for Karzai: "It's really quite simple. For the last 3 years their homes have not been bombed, their daughters, sons & husbands are safe from rape & forced conscription, there has been peace. Karzai is synonymous with peace, so he got their vote."

Masooda Jalal on heartbreaking rate of birth defects from intermarriage: "13 years ago a survey said that hundreds of thousands of Afghans were mentally disabled. Intermarriages were the 1st cause of this disability. I hope that the Ministry of Women can design a program so that the next generation of Afghans is stronger."

Masooda says families know the risk, but still marry daughters to first cousins to avoid paying a large dowry, & to keep daughters within safety orbit of family.

On her appeal as a candidate: "People want to get rid of warlords. They want a civil government, not a government full of former military people. They want democracy, they want their rights. I am a doctor & a mother. I want to nurse Afghanistan back to health. Only a healthy country can ensure a healthy people."

On what sets her apart from warlords: "I don't have blood on my hands, I haven't destroyed any cities."

On being a role model: "There is an interpretation of the Koran according to which a woman can indeed be a leader. I will try my best & we will see. If I am not the winner, (my campaign) will still be important. As a woman, I am giving a lot of courage to the women of Afghanistan."

On her legacy: "I have had an impact ... if I do not become president, the girls of this country will. I broke a tradition. I created honor & values for the women of Afghanistan. They are not nothing any more."

On her campaign: "My hands are empty, but I want to prove that a woman with empty hands can do a lot. It will be a lesson for all the women of Afghanistan. Already 5000 years we women have waited for our turn. We cannot wait another century."

On Karzai: "He's with the warlords, I'm with the people. I am independent, he's not. I am not owing anything to the warlords. If I get the success, I will disarm them."

On defying the odds: "Unlike one candidate who is surrounding himself by all powers to stay in office, candidates like me donÂ’'t even have a small percentage of these powers. How can we call the result of the election fair & democratic? How can we say it represents the will of the people & reflects their political rights?

"Afghanistan is not democratic. If it continues like this it will bring bad reputation to democracy. We the people of Afghanistan want real democracy. We want freedom, fairness, human rights - no dishonesty, no influence from internal military forces or foreign powers."

On courage: "If I show weakness some men will say, 'look she is not brave'. They will say, 'there is another woman who gave up'."

On fearlessness: "I have dug a hole & buried all my fears."

See also Krauthammer: The Afghan Miracle; Chrenkoff: Good News from Afghanistan

Posted by Jeff at 09:58 PM | Comments (2)

December 28, 2004

RUSLANA

Ukrainian pop star. Born Lviv, Ukraine, May 24, 1974. Started singing & playing piano at 4. Graduate of Lviv music conservatory. Married 5 years to producer Aleksander Ksenofontov. Uses motifs of Ukrainian nationalism: Carpathian Mountains, Renaissance & medieval castles, folk art, samples of Hutsul music.

Won All Ukrainian Festival of Modern Songs, Best Performer, Best Song, Best Video, Best Personality 1999 & 2000. Most recent album first Ukrainian platinum disc (+100,000). World Music Award 2004 Bestselling Ukrainian Artist. Tireless performer who left hospital bed to perform concert in June.

Winner 2004 Eurovision Song Contest in Istanbul with song Wild Dances (beating Greek fave Sakis Rouvas). Previous famous / infamous winners ABBA (1974), Bucks Fizz (1981), Celine Dion (1988). Wild Dances became hit song in Belgium (#1), Greece (#1), Sweden (#8), Europe Top 100 (#16), Russia (#6), Germany (#40).

Carried Olympic torch in July. Declared hunger strike Nov. 25 to tens of thousands in Independence Square to support Yushchenko, but stopped when Parliament unanimously rejected election results Nov. 27: "I, as millions of other people, do not understand what happened to my vote cast in the election."

On Wild Dances' Conan the Barbarian getups: "Really, we didn't set out to make them raunchy. They'Â’re made from leather & metal & are ethno-military style; I think we look like mountain Amazons. Parts were made by traditional Hutsul craftsman in the Carpathian Mountains. The methods are so secret no one else has ever managed to copy them."

On her roots: "My father is from trans-Carpathia & I also come from the area. The mountains are a very special place where the ancient Hutsul people live & have a very regenerative effect on people."

On gearing up for Eurovision 2005 in Kiev: "Kiev is the city that will make the whole world fall in love with it." (Ruslana will host with Ukrainian boxers the Klitschko brothers, also vocal Yushchenko supporters.)

Ruslana performing in Vilnius: "I was coming to Lithuania to demonstrate my show, but today I feel that I first have to thank Lithuania & its President Valdas Adamkus for the support to our country." (Adamkus mediated election crisis with Polish president Aleksander Kwasniewski)

On how she approved new CD cover: "When 10 out of 10 men stood breathless looking at the picture & were trying to gasp some air, no other proofs were needed."

On what Ukraine means to the West: "What is happening in Ukraine is not only important for the future of my country & my people. Mikhail Gorbachev said that the current events in Ukraine can be compared to the breakdown of the Berlin Wall. Now in Ukraine the modern history of Europe is made & it is influencing the whole political situation in the world."

Ukrainian Pravda June 2004: "(Prime Minister) Yanukovich'Â’s desperation was seen in appointment as his 'adviser' Ruslana Lyzhychko, who won the Eurovision contest in Istanbul." (Yanukovich gave Ruslana small statue of a Cossack representing 'the dignity of the Ukraine')

On salo, Ukrainian chocolate-covered pork-fat: "I love it as it's unusual. I was given the first serving of Lviv's chocolate salo. Perhaps they were testing my bravery, but I ate it & I'm still alive!"

On her ancestors: "Calling the Wild Dances barbaric is an exaggeration. It is based on ethnic traditions of Ukrainian highlanders but to call those traditions barbaric is to consider cultural heritage a worthless possession. In every European there lives a subtle passion for the way his forefathers used to live, work, sing & dance."

Hubby Aleksander: "Living with Ruslana is very difficult. It'Â’s like living on top of a volcano, but I like it."

Israeli music journalist: "Ruslana's album portrays not only the most 'non-Eurovisiony' winner ever, but an updated version of Shakira & a secure candidate to be an international star."

See also Ruslana videos. Ukrainian name page on Ruslana. Politburo Diktat: Warrior Wins Eurovision

Posted by Jeff at 02:50 AM | Comments (4)

November 11, 2004

'FIRST LADY OF FRANCE'

'Every beautiful flower ends up surrounded by weeds.' - Cyanide blonde/grief-stricken widow/fag hag Suha Arafat

Nablus-born Christian, raised Greek Orthodox. Daughter of wealthy Oxford-educated banker Daoud Tawil & inflammatory journalist Ramonda Tawil. Educated at Sorbonne. Met former confirmed bachelor Arafat in Amman. Was 'economic adviser' to Arafat in Tunis. Married when he was 61, she 27.

Visited Gaza refugee camps in luxury blue BMW. In food drive for Iraqi children under sanctions, had every outgoing box stamped 'a gift from the first lady of Palestine.' 10 year old daughter Zahwa has Palestinian amusement park named in her honor. Claims Arafat sang Frere Jacques to daughter (hard to believe)

Nickname in Palestinian press: Miss Moneybags. Who she admires: Hillary Clinton. Friends: Shapari Khashoggi, Queen Rania of Jordan. Wears: Louis Féraud, Christian Louboutin. (When Arafat sat next to Catherine Deneuve at dinner, Suha had to explain who she was. )

Arafat fortune estimated $300 million (Forbes), $1.3 billion (Mossad), $4.2 billion (IMF). According to PA, Suha received monthly stipend of $100,000, which means Israeli figure of $1 million per month more likely. Owns villa on gold standard Rue Fauborg St Honore, also maintains lavish suite at 5-star Hotel Le Bristol.

Investigated for money laundering this year when $11.4 million showed up in French account, about the time IMF discovered $778 million 'hole' in PA funds. Suha's response:"Ariel Sharon is responsible for this vicious leak. What's strange about the rais [president] sending money to his wife overseas, especially when I handle Palestinian matters and interests?"

In Gaza appearance with Hillary Clinton: "Our people have been subjected to the daily & extensive use of poisonous gas by the Israeli forces, which has led to an increase in cancer cases among women & children." [Clinton: smooches with Suha 'worst mistake' of Senate campaign]

Current financial advisor: Pierre Rizk, who headed intelligence service of Phalanga during Lebanese civil war & was in close contact with guerrilla group responsible for the massacre at Sabra & Shatilla refugee camp in 1982 [!].

On snogging a murderer: "I married a myth. But the marriage helped him step down from his pedestal & become a human being."

Palestinian PM Mahmoud Abbas to Arafat: "It's her or me."

Suha's guide to fitness & beauty: "I do 1 hour of aerobics every day to release the tensions. Thank God for (beauty) creams."

Suha's advice for political wives: "This is the best advice I can give to Sara Netanyahu: demonstrate self-confidence exactly like Hillary Clinton."

Unnamed PA legislator: "She was in fact the first lady of France."

Gaza policeman: "I once saw Arafat kiss a wounded man's groin, but Suha sits as far away as possible. You get the feeling that if she were to move even an inch closer, she would become ill."

On fine French healthcare: "Our child was conceived in Gaza, but sanitary conditions there are terrible. I don't want to be a hero & risk my baby."

On Arafat's advisors: "And as if a rooster on the garbage heap we have our own ministers, who build their private palaces right at the neighbors of the refugee camps."

On haute terrorism: "If we want to be a Palestinian state, we have to be avant garde."

Suha's guide to marital bliss: "I argue only when I know what I want. It is hard to influence Arab men. The Arab male is not influenced by a woman. It goes in one ear and out the other."

On living with gangsters: "It was not easy to enter into their world. It is a man's world, & very closed -- like a family with a lot of intermarriages, &, well, you know the result of that."

What she would do with a son: "There would be no greater honor than to sacrifice him for the Palestinian cause."

On her man: "It wasn't fate; it was love."

On being a stay-at-home wife: "When I complain of being neglected, he offers me souvenirs and symbols of the Palestinian revolution."

Commentator Muhammad Yaghi on the Palestinians' bond with Suha: "Really, they want only to forget her."

Fatmah Faqih, Ramallah refugee on Suha: "She lives in hotels. We live in ditches."

On her daughter Zahwa: "She is totally her father. A real authoritarian."

On Oslo: "Peace is a lie."

On hope in the Middle East: "I hate the Israelis."

On her enemies in the PA: "History will judge them."

SUHAGRAPHY: Debka on $ecret deal between PA & Suha. Daniel Pipes: Arafat's Bedroom Farce. Deborah Sontag: Arab Militant in High Heels. Barry Rubin: The Woman Behind the Curtain. Suha Arafat: Ramallah's Lady Macbeth. Red Horizons: Memoirs of Romanian spy chief contains lurid details of Arafat's gay romps. Bird Cage Liners

Posted by Jeff at 01:35 PM | Comments (3)

September 20, 2004

THE INCREDIBLY STRANGE WORLD OF SELMA BLAIR

Before & after

Julienne-thin actress. Known for offbeat roles. 5'5, 103. Real name: Selma Blair Beitner. BFA University of Michigan. Studied acting at Stella Adler, moonlighted as cigarette girl at gentlemen's club: "I got more tips because I was so sad and skinny."

Most famous for: French-kissing Sarah Michele Geller in Cruel Intentions, for which she received Best Kiss from MTV Movie Awards. Did not rehearse for kiss. Hellboy black Prada dress sold for $178 on Ebay; black turtleneck available for $23.59. Married Ahmet Zappa at Carrie Fisher's mansion after 6-month romance. Previous boyfriend: Jason Schwartzman.

Early roles: Cyane in Xena episode, Pretzel Cart Lesbian in The Broccoli Theory, Voiceover as Cici's Friend on Phone in Scream 2 (to Sarah Michele Geller), Drugged Woman in Arresting Gena, Girl Mike Hits On in Can't Hardly Wait. Auditioned for Buffy lead but lost to Geller. Next up: Ursula Udders in John Waters' A Dirty Shame.

On her role as Ursula Udders: "The breasts were four body casts, and mould making, so it was basically four hours of prosthetics every day. First gluing them down, then the makeup. I've been naked in front of everyone. I heard people were going through the studio dumpsters every day looking for a piece of Ursula Udders."

On Ursula's giant gazongas: "No one has ever really noticed my breasts much at all in my real life so that was a real departure for me."

Traumatized by randy gay stripper: "I get plucked out of the crowd to sit on a stool and they ask me to undress the gentleman on stage, and I thought, Oh, you know there will be a bow-tie and some slinky tuxedo panty or something. For a gay guy, he was real excited. He's asking me, 'Undo the pants,' and I'm like, 'Ooh, my husband will get mad at me,' and he's saying, 'Trust me, your husband won't care.' I'm just mortified and I look up, and sure enough there's about 10 inches two inches from me, and it was a bit much, if you know what I mean."

On The Sweetest Thing: "I've always felt like a tomboy, especially beside Christina Applegate and Cameron Diaz. God bless anyone who looks at the three of us & still finds me sexy."

On her normal childhood: "In fourth grade, I made a girl eat staples because I wanted her satin pants. She didn't die, though, and now we're friends."

On her offbeat roles: "If you are just playing the foil to the beautiful, glamorous ones, it's bound to be the opposite, so you get me. As an actress, it would be a waste for me to try and play the glamour part, because truthfully, I am really not at all that."

On the Hollywood scene: "Actors are usually just too good looking. I'm suspect about the attention I receive from really good-looking guys."

On her drivers license: "I look like a lesbian in a correctional facility."

On movies vs TV: I prefer doing films because they light you a lot better."

On her reputation: "I really have no idea why people think I'm weird, unless it's because I carry a hanky and like fine writing papers."

On her art: "I think getting to tell stories fills anyone with a void. I mean, we read and write stories, we like stories read to us and we like to watch movies. Therefore all of us can fill a void or fill some moment at least, and get some better understanding of ourselves."

Posted by Jeff at 10:27 PM | Comments (3)