May 25, 2006
AYN RAND NUDE VOLLEYBALL CAMP
rugged individualists at ayn rand nude volleyball camp triumph over brute nature to prepare corn dogs
As slavish jargon-mumbling devotees of Ayn Rand, we know how difficult is the path of rugged individualism. We're sick of the WHO IS JOHN GALT'S DECORATOR T-shirts, we're tired of people comparing us to Trekkies & Scientolodroids, noting Rand's uncanny resemblance to Dracula, & pushing us down in parking lots.
At Ayn Rand Nude Volleyball Camp, our motto is: objectivism r fun! Here you'll socialize with other marginal, slack-butted misfits as well as pimple-scabbed teenagers using great big words. We'll also study the objectivist theory of volleyball, in which we use rubber spheres to represent balls, thus providing a perceptual framework for meaningless gibberish.
When we're not popping our cellulite on the courts, we'll be playing teleological tetherball, enjoying a fast-paced nude dodge ball tournament (ouch!), drinking Hawaiian Punch & reading the Queen of Fun's humorless, rigor mortis prose & prescription strength sermonizing.
Other events include the Atlas Shrugs doorstop toss & the Ayn Rand Costume Summertacular, in which we dress as our favorite two-dimensional Rand caricature, then pair off to have joyless sexual intercourse.
Located in the Hobo Jungle next to the Chrysler plant, that magnificent shrine to capitalist whatchamacallit.
See also the Atlasphere: the Online Dating Service for Ayn Rand Phreaks
Posted by Jeff at 12:21 AM | Comments (32)
May 24, 2006
PORN CUE CARDS (SUGGESTIVE BUT SFW)
Posted by Jeff at 12:39 PM | Comments (0)
May 20, 2006
TRANSLATE YOUR NAME INTO CYRILLIC
Posted by Jeff at 08:19 AM | Comments (18)
May 19, 2006
IF YOU THOUGHT YOUR JOB WAS BAD...
Posted by Jeff at 07:23 AM | Comments (0)
May 14, 2006
SHOULDN'T THAT BE HAPPY FATHER'S DAY?
Posted by Jeff at 03:36 PM | Comments (2)
May 13, 2006
AND I SUPPOSE SHE WAS GOING TO CHURCH?
A 1500-lb sea lion molested a woman at the Berkeley Marina. According to a charter boat operator:
"The sea lion jumped onto the harbor dock, bit his crew member Twani Houston on the ankle & tried to drag her into the water."
I found this story fishy & did some digging. Turns out Miss Houston was wearing her usual charter fishing boat get-up: black vinyl miniskirt with fishnet stockings, stripper platform pumps with goldfish, & a gold lurex herringbone halter vest.
Please. If the cheap tramp is going to run around dressed like that, you can hardly blame the sea lion. (H/t Eric)
Posted by Jeff at 06:29 PM | Comments (10)
May 10, 2006
WHAT AL GORE HAS WET DREAMS ABOUT
Posted by Jeff at 07:27 AM | Comments (2)
May 01, 2006
THE THING IN THE CRIB, aka CTHULHU CHILD CARE
Posted by Jeff at 12:26 AM | Comments (2)
April 20, 2006
THANKS, BUT I DON'T LOOK GOOD IN LEOPARD
Posted by Jeff at 12:42 PM | Comments (0)
April 16, 2006
PEACE MOONBEAM & THE SEA SLUG
In which our hapless heroine finds herself aboard a diseased trawler with a drunken sod of a captain, flinging cocktail sauce at Greenpeace & torching a defenseless sea mammal: Somewhere in the North Atlantic...
Posted by Jeff at 03:22 PM | Comments (1)
April 14, 2006
URBAN LEGENDS: WILD DOG PACK TAKES DOWN ALLIGATOR
A reader sends this picture, from one of those annoying chain emails, which purports to show a wild dog pack taking down an alligator, & questions its authenticity. My immediate reaction is skepticism. Can a dog pack really take down an alligator? Quite the contrary, as the reverse is often the case.
I am aware of no alligator or crocodile species with a lemon yellow stripe. It's possible the creature in the photo is a caiman, the juveniles of which are yellow with black spots, but then where are the black spots? A gavial is another possibility, but, as they are largely aquatic & confined to the Indian subcontinent, unlikely.
My guess is the photo depicts a cephalopod, probably a squid. In the sea, squid are extremely aggressive & do hunt in packs, but this one appears to have been out of the water for some time. Most likely its carcass washed ashore, & as dogs' fondness for calamari is well-known, we can conclude the photo has been staged, & is a fake.
See also Cephalopods in a Blanket
URBAN LEGENDS? CONTACT BEAUTIFUL ATROCITIES!
Posted by Jeff at 07:04 AM | Comments (11)
PUSH'EM UP FOR NATIONAL CLEAVAGE DAY
Posted by Jeff at 12:55 AM | Comments (2)
April 13, 2006
GENOCIDE, XENOPHOBIA, & CAT PISS
Noreen notes that genocide is linked to a country's fondness for vile spirits, & she has a point. Mexicans - the ones currently marching outside with Fuck Off Back to Europe signs - are descended from those genocidal maniacs, the Aztecs, who were the bomb at slaughtering gazillions of people on high holidays but couldn't even invent the fucking wheel, which is why we're not all speaking Nahuatl & sacrificing our firstborn down at the local pyramid.
And Mexicans still drink mezcal, fermented vomit made from some evil organism that only grows in desolate wastelands & tastes like cat piss. Oh, & by the way, if Baja was a US state, it would be Florida now, instead of resembling some blasted post-nuclear hellhole. Viva la raza!
Posted by Jeff at 06:59 AM | Comments (5)
April 07, 2006
HOW ARE THINGS IN FUCKING AUSTRIA?
Posted by Jeff at 06:55 AM | Comments (2)
April 01, 2006
MOHAMMED: THE WHITEWASH
Fresh from his Kingdom of Heaven flop, Ridley Scott now reported to be planning a Mohammed biopic. According to Joe Noory, the movie will be a musical with songs by Elton John & Seal, & it will be "respectful". Give me a fucking break. Heaven was a farrago of historical nonsense about how swell the Muslims were. I can't wait to see this whitewash.
And they're considering Leonard diCaprio for the lead?? Please. He didn't even sing in that Romeo + Juliet crap! And check it out: Dakota Fanning will play 6-year-old wife Aisha, but their love scenes will be "sensitive". Well I guess so!
Posted by Jeff at 05:14 PM | Comments (6)
PISS OFF BACK TO TURKEY RIDGE
Dear South Dakota,
I'm
outraged by
your decision to
dispose of the sacred
right of abortion. I'm also shocked to see this handled by mere
elected officials rather than imperial judicial fiat,
& am therefore joining
the boycott of your state.
Like so many Americans, my family makes an annual pilgrimage to enjoy the wonder & splendor of South Dakota, but no more. You've lost the income from me, my wife, & our 2 children. It would be 5 children, but we flushed the other 3, as is our right.
So this year we will not be visiting the Bison-tennial Dutch Oven Cook-off, the Fort Hays Chuckwagon Supper Show, Gulches of Fun Amusement Park, the Corn Palace Festival, the Flintstones Bedrock City Theme Park & Camp Ground, the Black Hills Reptile Gardens, or the Petrified Wood Museum & Gift Shoppe in scenic Lemmon, nor will we be spending any of our dollars at the Consignment Mall in Sioux Falls. Oh. No.
Talk to the hand,
Jeff
Posted by Jeff at 10:16 AM | Comments (9)
March 29, 2006
OVERHEARD AT THE MALL
"Smirkly? It's Meredith. Oh. My. God. Today I was doing Smarty Look for Ladies with my mother - barf - & this like totally heinous old bag came up & started lecturing me about sex. I'm like, oh my GOD, she looked like someone's grandmother! And she's like, Tell me honey, do boys often pressure you for anal? Ewww! AS IF! I'm like, I'm a Camp Fire Girl, get away from me! And she's like, Trust me, a blowjob can save your life - I swear to god - & then she starts to demonstrate on her cell phone! I'm like, where's the security guard?? And she was dressed like a crackwhore who used to be hot, like, maybe a hundred years ago?? DIRE! So then I came home & had a whole bag of Skittles."
Posted by Jeff at 07:29 AM | Comments (7)
March 10, 2006
PEACE MOONBEAM CRASHES THE OSCARS
Posted by Jeff at 07:32 AM | Comments (0)
March 09, 2006
THE YANNI INCIDENT: A DRAMATIC REENACTMENT WITH SPECIAL GUEST STAR BARBRUH BARBRA STREISAND
Posted by Jeff at 07:24 AM | Comments (4)
March 08, 2006
THE UGLY FACE OF CHILD ABUSE IN ARMENIA
Posted by Jeff at 12:45 PM | Comments (10)
NOREEN: INTERNATIONAL WOMAN'S DAY CAN CRAWL UP MY HOLE
... in which the ungrateful crank sounds off on her special day:
"In China, if you get pregnant outside wedlock & refuse to have an abortion, you are hounded out of your village with people beating you with poles of Bamboo. On International Woman's Day, however, all the neighborhood will gather & give you bunches of flowers & really ghastly plastic presents, just because you have a vagina .... And here, in this shithole, where women work like oxen, while their lazy cunt men sit about smoking fags & showing their cocks to people like me, there are posters all over the fucking place on about 8th March, International Woman's Day. What a load of arse. I hate 'Days' anyway - Mother's Day can fuck right off as well, & so can 'Labor Day'. If it is not a Holy Day of Obligation, I don't fucking want to know about it."
Posted by Jeff at 05:26 AM | Comments (11)
March 06, 2006
FLASHBACK: LEE FERRET OSWALD
Posted by Jeff at 12:17 PM | Comments (0)
March 04, 2006
"I WISH I KNEW HOW TO QUIT EWES!"
Posted by Jeff at 02:05 PM | Comments (0)
March 03, 2006
HOT, HUMPY NEOCON WARMONGER SEEKS SAME
Dear Sean Hannity,
I joined your online dating service, Hannidate, "the place where people of like conservative minds can come together to meet", to find my perfect match. However, there seems to be a problem. I'm sure it's just some sort of system glitch, but let me know.
I'm not looking to get married or anything gay like that, just a quick tumble with other hot humpy neocon warmongers who like moo goo gai pan, Days of our Lives, long walks around the VCR, & reading Ann Coulter to each other. Call me a romantic.
Your friend,
Jeff
H/t ATL Malcontent
Posted by Jeff at 06:51 AM | Comments (33)
COMPLETE GUIDE TO INARTFUL DEATH CATCHPHRASES
Posted by Jeff at 06:36 AM | Comments (4)
March 02, 2006
THE CHINESE BABIES MEG RYAN REJECTED
Posted by Jeff at 12:14 PM | Comments (1)
February 23, 2006
NURSE DIESEL TO PROCTOLOGY, STAT!
In England, when a nurse loses her license,
she's struck off. I'm not sure what this is, but I hope it involves being bitch-slapped in the dock by one of
those malevolent androids from the Buckingham Guard. Here are
some colorful examples:
Nurse struck off for slapping colleague with dead trout
Nurse who put patient's glass eye in drink struck off (also painted smiley on patient's hernia)
Nurse with 5 aliases struck off (criminal past)
Nurse struck off for hiding patient (psych nurse harbored psycho)
School nurse struck off (too friendly with the boys)
Porn nurse not struck off (entertained himself on children's ward by browsing child porn sites)
Surgeon who told patient 'we all have to die' struck off (get over it)
Doctor struck off for murdering girlfriend (blaming Gulf War didn't help)
Doctor struck off for sex assaults (clue: shaves your pubes for a sore throat)
Bonus: Kiwi lawyer struck off (don't retain if you've been charged with a sex offense)
See also NHS: Every patient treated within 6 months!
Posted by Jeff at 06:33 AM | Comments (7)
February 20, 2006
BETTY BUTTERFIELD ON ELECTION 2004: BUSH OR KERRY?
Posted by Jeff at 07:30 PM | Comments (3)
February 04, 2006
PEACE MOONBEAM GOES TO GITMO & GETS FATWA'D
Posted by Jeff at 06:38 PM | Comments (1)
January 30, 2006
SHIRLEY Q. LIQUOR ON HOMOSEXICALS
For the full Shirley Q. Liquor experience, go here. Via Gun Grrrl
Posted by Jeff at 07:36 AM | Comments (11)
January 11, 2006
TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN
Dear Asshat,
I see you've gone through this entire library book making notes &
jotting down your thoughts. It's nice you did it in ink, so your
wisdom is preserved for the ages. It's so easy to remember the
characters since you keep writing their names in the margin, sometimes
with garbled family trees. I especially like your essays
on theme &
conflict, which are completely idiotic & show you have no idea what the
fuck you're talking about.
I'm also staggered by your copy editing skills. Never mind the book was already edited by a professional, clearly it was just waiting for your pen to add that certain je ne sais quoi. I'm pretty sure you drive a Honda Civic, & probably have a cat. Obviously, you weren't swept away by the story, otherwise you wouldn't still be doing genealogies on page 311 & inscribing your profound drivel.
I believe it was Kafka who said, A book is an axe for the frozen sea within. Note he did not say it was a Post It for you to jot down your witless claptrap. You are an ass. Sorry, but I really like this writer, & checked out the book thinking it contained one novel, not two.
Your friend
Jeff
Posted by Jeff at 05:55 AM | Comments (12)
January 04, 2006
URBAN LEGENDS — THE GIANT SAND SQUID
Gulf Wars I & II spawned a number of urban legends, such as the man-eating camel spiders, the rumor that Saddam Hussein starred in gay porno, that a divine sand storm saved US troops from thousands of land mines, etc. One of the most persistent myths is that of the giant sand squid, an enormous cephalopod said to lurk under the desert dunes & attack unwary nomads.
The sand squid is said to burrow rapidly underground, like the killer maggots in Tremors, to squirt noxious ink like its marine cousins, & it's even reported that Bedouins use the ink as an aphrodisiac. This makes no sense, because real squids spray ink as a sort of aerosol defense that disperses in water, whereas ink + sand = a gloppy mess.
In the photo above, a giant sand squid is shown 'attacking' the armored personnel carrier of two presumably American soldiers. Close examination, however, raises some suspicions. The squid's shadows, for instance, aren't in sync with the light source, suggesting the photo has been retouched. Also, the soldiers don't seem too concerned, which just isn't realistic.
The real red flag is that the squid is shown with eyelashes. This is ridiculous, & shows that the nitwit who perpetrated this fraud was unaware that squid eyes don't even have lashes, much less mascara. Thus we can deduce that the photo is a fraud, & offers no evidence of the supposed 'giant sand squid'.
Urban legends? Send your questions to Beautiful Atrocities!
Posted by Jeff at 12:49 AM | Comments (5)
December 22, 2005
THINGS COULD ALWAYS BE WORSE...
A new feature at Beautiful Atrocities, where we set aside our usual mind-deadening negativity to focus on gratitude & infantile humor.
America is a many-faceted cesspool: a rogue state (Andrew Sullivan), a gay dungeon master (Jesse Jackson), morally repugnant & not worth fighting for (Cindy Sheehan), a police state (Rep. Ron Paul), passionately racist (Susan Sontag), ignorant (Michael Moore), the torture & political murder capital of the world (Noam Chomsky), a dumb puppy with big teeth (Johnny Depp), a dictatorship (Sean Penn) & a nightmare of hysteria, ignorance, stupidity, & belligerence (Harold Pinter).
However, it could be worse. We could, for example, be living on
Jupiter's moon Io, where geysers
spew sulfur 300 miles
high, so you can imagine the stink. Frenchmen on Io would be
insufferable, sulfur-farting surrender monkeys . Also, we would have to learn to live
without many things we take for granted, like oxygen & Desperate
Housewives.
The gravitational pull of Jupiter produces "tides" in the rocky surface of over 300 feet. Dramamine would be a human right, & since Io is constantly resurfaced by molten sulfur, Yahoo Maps would be even more unreliable than it is.
Io is also surrounded by something called a plasma torus, which sounds rude. With mean surface temperature -225F, baseball games would have to be played indoors on plastic grass, which isn't baseball but billiards. And since the rock tides continually heat & melt Io's interior, a working toilet would be a miracle.
Even worse, since the surface gravity is only .183 that of Earth, as soon as you crapped, it would flypaper itself to your ass. Bidets would be useless, as they would spray water senselessly in all directions, so they would really be fountains. So you see, things could be worse.
Posted by Jeff at 12:34 AM | Comments (16)
November 22, 2005
LOVE AMONG THE REPTILES
Dear Beautiful Atrocities,
Can't Sit Down
Dear Can't,
Absolutely not. I didn't know this sort of thing even went on among your set, & find it rather revolting. Try replacing half his pills with placebos. If 10 are effective, 5 should be fine. Also, stop provoking him. If you're one of those cockteasers who fraulein around in butt-crack low-riders, high-rise miniskirts with no panties, & rubber hostess pants, knock it off & act your goddamn age.
Posted by Jeff at 07:18 AM | Comments (14)
November 12, 2005
SLEEP WITH A VET FOR VETERANS DAY
Today we remember that freedom isn't free. America is
only safe because of the dedication of its brave servicemembers, whose
sacrifices make freedom possible not just for real Americans, but
also for nancy-boi liberals,
bitter old harridans,
celebrity bubbleheads, pathetic drunks, the
deranged & the
deluded. America's
servicemen & women are real people with real lives &
real needs. Also,
talk is cheap. Show, don't tell. Make a vet's day really special.
Thanks, Jeff (former USAF)
See also You Can Piss in My Ear, But Don't Tell Me it's Raining
Posted by Jeff at 11:05 AM | Comments (9)
SALMAN BUTT UPDATE!
Butt Shines as England Toil: "England were left toiling in the sun as Salman Butt posted his second Test half-century to help Pakistan grasp the early advantage."
See also Profiles in Courage: Salman Butt
UPDATE TO THE UPDATE: Gutsy Butt Keeps Pakistan Afloat!
Posted by Jeff at 10:18 AM | Comments (0)
June 20, 2005
REMEDIAL HIGHER EDUCATION
Here at the online
University of Phoenix, you will receive a comprehensive education in the
philosophy of future success in your new career: Powerpoint, Outlook Express, filling out surveys, & how toa PDF
file. Our team exercises also teach you the invaluable lesson, If
you want something done, do it yourself.
We offer both an online curriculum graded by foreign nationals in Bangalore, as well as our ground campuses, located in seedy strip malls across America.
Hiring managers take note when they see University of Phoenix on your resume! Our graduates are well-represented among civil servants, food-service specialists, motel managers, carnal entrepreneurs, & TV news anchors. The University of Phoenix online law school is a major recruiter for Jacoby & Myers, & our online medical school provides staffing for fine nationalized health industries in Canada, Britain, & Libya.
A few of our successful alumni:
- Ward Churchill, Phd in Excel spreadsheets from University of Phoenix online Business School
- Arianna Huffington, licensed manicurist from University of Phoenix online Beauty Academy
- Nancy Grace, MFA in Ecru from University of Phoenix online Arts Academy
- Bill Frist, Phd, University of Phoenix online institute of Parapsychology
The University of Phoenix is competitive with finer educational establishments such as the Bryman School, Control Data Institute, & the Barbizon School. We have a diverse student body, including housewives returning to brush up their cocktail waitressing techniques as well as motivated individuals on work furlough or community service. University of Phoenix is also a fine employer, & is always hiring new instructors, starting at $13 an hour.
Watch out USC: the University of Phoenix is excited to be fielding its first online football team, with the nubile University of Phoenix online cheerleaders. Call today to take advantage of our special offer: University of Phoenix's new 3-week master's programs in homeopathy, store window display, Adobe Acrobat, & copy-&-paste.
See also University of Phoenix Sucks!
Posted by Jeff at 08:13 AM | Comments (27)
May 28, 2005
JUST SAY NO TO ANTS
Dear Bug Doctor,The other day I spilled a quantity of methamphetamine on the kitchen table. I managed to snurfle most of it up, but a few hours or days later - it's all a blur - I noticed that ants had swarmed on it. For a brief period, they became highly agitated - they managed to make off with several food-encrusted kitchen appliances - & then they died. In their tracks. Happily, I' m no longer bothered by ants, & am curious if meth is considered a good pesticide.
Pest Free
Dear Pest Free,Unless you're getting a good bulk discount, there are cheaper ways to control ants. Cleanliness, for one. There are surprisingly few studies on the recreational vs. toxic levels of methamphetamine in ants, but it's possible they were killed by the drug's usual adulterants: fertilizer, Drano, turpentine, battery acid, strychnine, antifreeze, & ammonia. This is why it's important you purchase it from reputable gangsters, preferably organic, or set up your own lab in your bathtub or gazebo. Think globally, tweak locally.
Posted by Jeff at 01:41 PM | Comments (5)
May 05, 2005
LAURA BUSH UNPLUGGED
Hi gang, I'm Laura Bush. Or, as the press calls me, the First Footstool. Stepford Lite. Chicken-fried Barbie. Arianna Huffington called me Harriet Nelson. Please. At least I didn't marry Richard Simmons. What happened, Arianna, get tired of sleeping on your stomach?
Someone get Dick Cheney some water, we don't want to run a Help Wanted ad. It's not easy being a heartbeat away from the Presidency when you can't walk past a microwave without needing jumper cables. And yes, they call him Big Dick Cheney for a reason. Let's just say he doesn't park with the compacts. And that's why Lynne is standing tonight. Oh STOP IT! GROW UP!
Talking of reptiles, my mother-in-law couldn't make it tonight, she's molting. No seriously, for moisturizer she uses Pennzoil 10/30. For sunscreen, she prefers Armor All. For a bikini wax, she uses a sander. She thinks the LaBrea Tar Pits are a spa. You know they say a meteorite wiped out the dinosaurs? Where do I sign up? Oh STOP!
Did I mention I'm not wearing any panties? It's true, the guys in the front row would kill for some clam dip. Makes those state functions a lot more fun. You're sitting there opposite some human chlamydia like Yasser Arafat or Jacques Chirac, you flash a little Venus flytrap & watch them flatline! I LOVE that!
No really, guys, do you like your peaches peeled or fuzzy? Clay court or Astroturf? Of course, now that I'm Queen Shit of Turd Island, I have someone who mows it for me. And that's why Tom Delay is flossing in the back. Oh STOP IT! STOP IT!
See also Anal-yzing Humor; Adults Only Edition
Posted by Jeff at 08:56 AM | Comments (34)
March 28, 2005
DR. FRIST ANSWERS YOUR QUESTIONS
Because a real doctor doesn't need to see you to make a diagnosis.
Dear Dr. Frist,My guinea pig has two tumors by its ass. My health insurance won't cover elective surgery. Someone told me putting the cage on top of the microwave is chemo. Will this work?
Broke in Flynn's Lick
Dear Broke,
Those are its testicles. Removing them promotes sensible family planning. Full sexual reassignment surgery unnecessary & unnatural.
Dear Dr. Frist,
I have environmental illness. I feel horrible all the time, especially in the morning. My wife says she's sick of my endless self-pitying whining. Should I divorce her?
Suffering
Dear Suffering,
Marriage is sacred. You have sick building syndrome because your house has dry rot. I'm also picking up a disturbance in the force, indicating a crime was committed in the guest bath. Or possibly the gazebo. Your lucky numbers this week are 19, 43, 21, 17, & 23.
Dear Dr. Frist,I'm a 23yo single man who's always been self-conscious about my long foreskin. I'd like to get circumcised but my insurance won't cover it. Should I go to Canada?
Human Pachyderm
Dear Whoever,
Are you a f*cking homosexual? Because no normal man is that interested in his goddamn willy. Canada?? Do you want some Pakistani coming at your manhood with a sharp knife? Find a nice submissive Christian carport for your unit & shut up.
Dear Dr. Frist,
I'm also a Senator, going through the climacteric,
the most f*cked-up exciting time in a woman's life. Lately I've
been crying inappropriately, &
saying crazy things like we need a supermajority to confirm justices.
I don't even know what a supermajority is. Am I bipolar?
Anonymous
Dear Senator Boxer,
You always were an intellectual sinkhole. I can get dermabrasion but you'll still be a crazy bitch.
Dear Dr. Frist,I'm a 43 year old woman who's getting married next year. My fiancé of 7 years & I are both virgins, saving ourselves for marriage, but he's worried sex will be painful for him the first time. Should I lubricate? Oil or silicone? Regular, premium, or unleaded?
No Drive-Thru
Dear Frigid,
'Saving oneself for marriage' does not mean there's no expiration date. How long do you wait for the shuttle bus before concluding it doesn't stop at your vagina?? Get some WD40, find a dockworker, & lay the goddamn pipe. PS Your fiancé is a homosexual.
Dear Dr. Frist,
I'm a smoking hot 25 yo who's always dreamed of being a weathergirl or possibly the next Mrs. Trump. People tell me my J-Lo ass will get in my way. Should I have lipo? I don't want my butt to look like Swiss cheese.
Cherry in Buffalo Trout
Dear Cherry,
For this diagnosis, I will need to see you personally. Call my office.
Posted by Jeff at 06:35 AM | Comments (7)
January 26, 2005
E-CARDS FOR EVERY INTERNET OCCASION
Kiss My Balls e-cards: I Wanna F*ck You Like an Animal, Sex N Fags on the Brain, etcBridezilla e-card: Please shut up about your f*cking wedding
Ben Affleck e-cards: "Truly great friends are hard to find, difficult to leave,
& impossible to forget" Pin-Struck: Personalized voodoo curses by e-card
Ovos Films Video Greetings: Recommended - She's Got a Beef, Veni, Vidi, Veni, Lonely Guy
Punjabi Bollywood Greeting Cards Sample: Boliya
Iconograms: Send an icon to someone special
Say It With Boobs: "When you care enough to send the very breast"
Our Lady of Guadalupe e-cards
Virtual crack-rock e-cards: What better way to make someone's day than the wonderful gesture of crack cocaine?
A Woman's Cyberspace Postcards
Anti-Microsoft Cartes Postales
Matt Damon Virtual Postcards
Lindsborg, Kansas e-cards: A Little Bit of Kansas in the Heartland
Jane Austen e-cards: "Expect a most agreeable Letter; for not being overburdened with subject -- (having nothing at all to say) -- I shall have no check to my Genius from beginning to end."
My Uganda electronic greeting cards
Official Gumby e-cards
Virtual Gautama Buddhist e-cards
PETA e-cards: Pam Anderson: "Turn over a new leaf, go veg"Latin Soap Opera e-cards with theme song music
Dixie Rising: Confederate Pride Greeting Cards
Get a Clue Ditch-Generator Letter for Stalkers
What Does Islam Say About War? e-card
World of Escher e-cards: The Place for Everything Escher
Baking with Betty Crocker e-cards
Posted by Jeff at 03:56 PM | Comments (12)
July 03, 2004
FRENCH-CANADIAN ASSISTANCE
Disadvantaged French-Canadian Youth
Beautiful Atrocities would like to call your attention to the plight of French-Canadian youth. These miserable wretches are forced to grow up in the depressing wasteland of French Canada, where they don't even speak French, but something called Quebecois, which is to French as Uruk-Hai is to Orcish. They grow up watching lame French-Canadian TV, eating indigestible French-Canadian food, and listening to sappy French-Canadian music.
And speaking of Celine Dion, why doesn't she have any lips? With all her money, can't she afford some? Or is this strange lipless condition just another in the litany of afflictions caused by the extremely poor hygiene of the French-Canadians?
And what genius put a baseball team in Montreal? The place is almost empty, the vendors sell croissants instead of hot dogs, and the few dull-eyed lipless French-Canadian baseball fans chew mechanically while stupid French words flash on the screen. Maybe they think they're watching petanque.
That's why they moved half the Expo games to Puerto Rico. I have a better idea, move the whole goddamn city to Puerto Rico. That way you could visit Montreal and enjoy its beautiful architecture in pleasant weather instead of freezing rain , and without having to see or -- god forbid -- listen to a single French-Canadian.
Posted by Jeff at 11:22 AM | Comments (0)