April 20, 2006
LACROSSE RAPE REPORT: THE CINDERELLA FACTOR
Posted by Jeff at 07:01 PM | Comments (1)
April 17, 2006
CINCO DE WHOZZIT
It's almost Cinco de Mayo, the day schools in
California take time out from
itemizing the horrors of American history to celebrate the
Mexican 'victory' at the Battle of Puebla. Please. They defeated
a French regiment; that's not a battle, that's dodge
ball.
But it's important the children ofillegalslong-term tourists identify with a corrupt oligarchy where kidnapping for ransom is the national sport, highwaymen waylay travelers, sweatshops are the major industry, & running shoes are required after drinking the water.
Imagine how things would have gone if Santa Anna had won at San Jacinto: the entire western US would be an impoverished outback, with Santa Monica & San Diego overrun by arrogant jerks from Newfoundland on jet skis. The situation would be so desperate we'd be trying to sneak into Canada, which is dire.
There we'd live the good life as rent boys in Vancouver, potato peelers in Calgary, or snow shovelers in Winnepeg. On weekends we'd get pissed on wretched Canadian beer & tattoo the Mexican flag on our ass. Our parents would be squatting in hovels in Bakersfield & Tucson watching Sabado Gigante & waiting for us to send them weirdass Canadian money.
Los Angeles would be Mexicali, Seattle would be Tijuana, San Francisco would be a shantytown, & Silicon Valley would be a swap meet. Michael Buble would be a god, Tom Cruise would be doing telenovelas, Kelly Clarkson would be singing one more tired version of Besame Mucho, & Pink would be dreaming of crossing over to the Big Time in Halifax.
Ay caramba!
Posted by Jeff at 05:07 AM | Comments (19)
March 05, 2006
THE TRUTH ABOUT ALIEN COW ABDUCTION
Posted by Jeff at 08:10 AM | Comments (4)
December 13, 2005
RACISM: WHAT THE HELL IS IT?
Posted by Jeff at 12:08 AM | Comments (12)
December 12, 2005
BEAUTIFUL ATROCITIES' ESSENTIAL GUIDE TO METH
The 80s were a Golden Age of low taxes, cheap gas, Prince, Cheers, & beautiful people tweeking out on fine imported pharmaceuticals. Then came the 90s: Friends, the Clintons, Celine Dion, & crack. If coke was Macy's, crack was Target: cheap no-frills off-the-rack thrills.
Now we have meth, the Walmart of recreational drugs. No longer can you glamorously piss your life away along with the soulless Hollywood glitterati. Now it's you & every other trailer park Sally from Tucson to North Platte. In an effort to maintain some semblance of standards, here are a few places where producers still attempt a quality product:
Stockton / Modesto: As Napa is to Chardonnay, the
Central Valley is to meth, turning out a product with E-cup personality
& a caustic yet delicate bouquet with flavors of battery acid,
lighter fluid,
Maximum Strength Dristan, chloroform, Mountain Dew, pine tar, MSG, & a
whisper of balsamic vinegar. The ammonia finish lingers forever.
Literally.
Mexicali: For the more refined palate that prefers an
imported blend. Produced in quaint, well-fortified bodegas, it boasts an
ice-pick pungency with notes of chipotle, cyanide, hydrochloric
acid, horchata, ether, manzanita,
Laetrile,
epazote, & the piquancy of utter desolation. Good with
Skittles & Alka Seltzer.
Lincoln / Omaha: Many fine houses springing up along
Nebraska's Highway 80, aka
Hwy
Eight Ball. A naphtha-laced nose packed with Dexatrim & sugar
beets. With heat, gives notes of Drano, Red Bull, turpentine, mesquite,
road tar, & mercury. An unpretentious product that can be used young
or cellared for next weekend.
Nacogdoches: The piney woods of East Texas are home to
an unfiltered, opaque gray product with arabesques of lye, Sudafed, Liquid
Smoke, burnt toffee, hydrogen peroxide, swamp gas, & Worcestershire
sauce. Occasional off-odor like decomposing corpse. An acquired taste, like
blowfish or Andrew Lloyd Weber.
Goes well with Excedrin & orange marshmallow peanuts.
See also the Amazing Meth Makeover
Posted by Jeff at 12:04 AM | Comments (16)
July 10, 2005
THERE GOES THE NEIGHBORHOOD
Responding to nancy pressure-groups,
ABC pulled the plug on its new reality show Welcome to the Neighborhood,
in which white conservative Christian families confront potential new
neighbors & say bad things like I want a family similar to what we
are. This is too bad, because it's important to show that white
conservative Christians are hoseheads & the source of most of the
world's problems. Here's hoping ABC doesn't get cold feet over these
other new reality shows:
Get Off My Dress: Circuit queens in San Francisco's gay ghetto throw a hissy fit when the neighborhood is overrun by 'Normas,' poorly-dressed lesbians - many of them gardeners - with cats & no disposable income.
Hutsi-Tutsi: Amusing neighborhood conflict show set in scenic Rwanda.
Korean BBQ: Inner-city blacks prepare special welcome for recent Asian immigrants & their weird-ass habits, such as eating dogs, driving slow, & having a work ethic.
Miami Uber Alles: City ordinance requires Mexicans & Puerto Ricans to wear special identifying patches so that decent Cubans are not mistaken for peasants.
Blackball! University humanities professors unite to block job applicants who don't parrot their tired old paleoliberal canards.
Pardon-moi! Sophisticated 21st Century Eurowussies lose their heads when they find an army of humorless 12th Century Muslims parking on their lawn.
Take Me to Your Leader: PC Hollywood liberals crash-land in Bible Belt, something they have only read about in science-fiction novels.
Posted by Jeff at 10:13 AM | Comments (19)
May 24, 2005
THE UNDOCUMENTED WAR
NPR has a hair-raising account of illegal immigration on the US/Mexican border, The Undocumented War, with writer Charles Bowden, who has a voice out of Raymond Chandler & lays out the horror of the desert crossing:
"You can't watch this & see it happening, & think anything is going right in Mexico economically. Nobody'd go through this hell if they had a choice. It's a war zone, only nobody'll admit it's a war, & nobody has the decency or honesty to even count the casualties.
"These people that are risking their lives tonight to cross this desert, when they get to their Chicago, or Los Angeles, or North Carolina, will send more money back to Mexico next year than Mexico will make by selling oil.
"You take a man, you put him 300 yards south of here, & he can't find a job, he can barely feed himself. You move him across this desert, you get him to an American city, Mexico no longer has to feed him, & he becomes a major source of wealth because he sends money home to try to take care of people who are left behind.
"So a 135 lb man is a liability to the Mexican government, but if they can just move him across the fence, he becomes a money pump, like a private ATM that sustains their society. Mexico's finally found a product that makes it money: expelling its own citizens into a foreign country."
Posted by Jeff at 09:12 AM | Comments (8)
April 17, 2005
JOURNAL OF THE PLAGUE YEARS
Here's something incredible:
we once lived in a world without cell phones. People
managed to shop, drive, stand in line, go on dates, &
inhabit public spaces without a cell phone stuck to
their head. Incredibly, people made plans to meet in public &
pulled
it off, without being talked through the entire experience like a
suicide on a bridge.
You imagine a world full of confused people, wandering blindly, ignorant of what their friends were doing at that very second. But we managed. What if, you ask, you had to get hold of someone right away? You could call 911 (& reach a real operator!), but generally, nothing was that vital.
Cell phones are a plague: everywhere I go - the supermarket, the doctor's office, the bank, the freeway, the post office, the theater, the gym, lobbies, elevators, restaurants, buses, stop lights, any small public space where you're trapped & can't escape - people have cell phones stuck to their heads & they're all saying the same thing:
Ringggg! "Hello ... nothing ... talkin to you ... uh huh ... okay ... talk to you later..."
Sadly, some aren't so brief: at the
doctor's recently, out of 7 people waiting, 5 were
yakking away on cell phones. And yes, I was at a movie recently
where a cell phone went off. Oops. It's amazing more people aren't
bludgeoned to death over cell phones.
Cop: Okay, what happened?
Me: I don't know what came over me, I was just standing in line when she pulled out her cell phone & started shrieking about some stupid shit that's not even worth wasting your breath on, & finally I snapped.
Cop: Okay, I'm going to have to - RRRING - Hold on. Hello? Oh hi, honey...
UPDATE: This is truly obnoxious (thanks to RWS)
Posted by Jeff at 09:46 PM | Comments (25)
March 12, 2005
ANAL RETENTIVE
30 Dell computer employees, Somalian Muslims, walked off the job after Dell refused to allow them 5 minutes a day for prayer, as required by their religion. Despite the typical wisdom from the Lucianne.com crowd ("Go back to Somolia [sic], half starve & pray all freakin' day"), this is probably a violation of EEOC, & doesn't seem unreasonable.
Turns out Martin at Blogbat used to work for Dell, & as he shows, such behavior is typical. Among Dell's more outrageous illegal business practices: violated federal law by allotting only 5 minutes per day for bathroom breaks, & requiring employees who need more time to present a doctor's excuse
"This 'bio-policy' was explained as being modeled after military 'bathroom training', where army recruits were expected to abstain from any relief for literally hours on end."
Martin lists other examples of flagrant labor violations that aren't surprising. When I was a union steward, I learned that while some employees will pull all sorts of scams to avoid working, some managers will pull not just outrageous but illegal scams if they think they can get away with it.
Posted by Jeff at 10:25 AM | Comments (23)
September 14, 2004
This is your brain | This is your brain on drugs | |
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This is your ass | This is your ass in prison | |
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1. Cheaper
2. High lasts 3 days
3. Crash lasts 3 weeks
4. House will be neurotically clean when you get out of the nuthouse
5. Current drug of choice among soulless Hollywood vampire glitterati
6. Effective means of removing unnecessary neurons
7. Quick way to new career as Keith Richards impersonator
8. DIY cocktail of fertilizer, Drano, turpentine, battery acid, strychnine, antifreeze, & ammonia not instantaneously lethal
9. Reduces risk of dying of old age
10. Promotes safer sex due to inability to obtain erection
11. Hospital emergency rooms required to resuscitate you even if you don't have insurance
Posted by Jeff at 01:11 PM | Comments (0)