« April 2006 | Main | June 2006 »
May 26, 2006
IN THE TRENCHES
US soldier grabs a break in Iraq. The novel is Cruel Winter, a horror thriller by Anthony Izzo. More military photography here. See also Memorial Day: What We Owe Our Soldiers
Posted by Jeff at 07:11 AM | Comments (5)
MADONNA: DARE TO BE TIRED
Iconoclast / children's book author / hormone replacement miracle Madonna has launched her gazilliionth tour, her most controversial yet. In this all-new spectacle sponsored by Greenpeace / AARP, Madonna boldly goes where no one has ever gone before, even daring to criticize (gasp) George Bush & the Catholic Church. I still can't believe it.
In this groundbreaking cash cow, Madonna is once again on the cutting edge of last week, combining Catholic imagery with sex (!!), wearing real bondage gear, & fearlessly singing trite lyrics juxtaposed with images of starving waifs. Even some die-hard fans felt she'd gone too far.
"The lack of wit & imagination was shocking," one said. "Has she no shame??" Others shook their heads at the sight of the 50yo cow flinging her tired carcass around like a lap dancer. "She's crossed the line," a woman said. "With Madonna, the frisson of excitement has always been her genius for making the trite even more banal. But I never thought she'd turn into Mamie Van Doren!"
See also Sandra Bernhard interview with Mamie Van Doren
Posted by Jeff at 06:09 AM | Comments (14)
MAKE YOUR OWN BRA: COMPLETE D.I.Y. GUIDE
Posted by Jeff at 05:07 AM | Comments (6)
SORRY
Due to circumstances beyond our control, there is no Charlotte Church item today. Will Star Jones do? After all, she's an official AOL Love Coach.
Posted by Jeff at 05:03 AM | Comments (4)
ANGELINA JOLIE, EMPRESS OF NAMIBIA
Posted by Jeff at 05:02 AM | Comments (3)
May 25, 2006
AYN RAND NUDE VOLLEYBALL CAMP
rugged individualists at ayn rand nude volleyball camp triumph over brute nature to prepare corn dogs
As slavish jargon-mumbling devotees of Ayn Rand, we know how difficult is the path of rugged individualism. We're sick of the WHO IS JOHN GALT'S DECORATOR T-shirts, we're tired of people comparing us to Trekkies & Scientolodroids, noting Rand's uncanny resemblance to Dracula, & pushing us down in parking lots.
At Ayn Rand Nude Volleyball Camp, our motto is: objectivism r fun! Here you'll socialize with other marginal, slack-butted misfits as well as pimple-scabbed teenagers using great big words. We'll also study the objectivist theory of volleyball, in which we use rubber spheres to represent balls, thus providing a perceptual framework for meaningless gibberish.
When we're not popping our cellulite on the courts, we'll be playing teleological tetherball, enjoying a fast-paced nude dodge ball tournament (ouch!), drinking Hawaiian Punch & reading the Queen of Fun's humorless, rigor mortis prose & prescription strength sermonizing.
Other events include the Atlas Shrugs doorstop toss & the Ayn Rand Costume Summertacular, in which we dress as our favorite two-dimensional Rand caricature, then pair off to have joyless sexual intercourse.
Located in the Hobo Jungle next to the Chrysler plant, that magnificent shrine to capitalist whatchamacallit.
See also the Atlasphere: the Online Dating Service for Ayn Rand Phreaks
Posted by Jeff at 12:21 AM | Comments (32)
YOUR DAILY YOU-KNOW-WHO
Philosophical pork chop Shakira ponders the Zen of stardom:
"It seems that there's always something, with each album, that calls attention to people. Sometimes it's the title of an album, sometimes it's the lyrics of some song. This time it's the belly-dancing."
And sometimes it's posing naked on your CD cover. Shakira is also branching out into genetics: "I've been belly-dancing since I was 4 years old. And nobody taught me how to do it. So it's something that's in my DNA, that I inherited."
Definitely. Just picture a kindergarten in Colombia about 20 years ago: "Dios mia, Shakira! Pull your dress down & get off that table this instant!"
See also Shakira's Bum; the Shakira-graph
Posted by Jeff at 12:19 AM | Comments (4)
May 24, 2006
PORN CUE CARDS (SUGGESTIVE BUT SFW)
Posted by Jeff at 12:39 PM | Comments (0)
May 23, 2006
LADIES FIRST: CHARLOTTE CHURCH VS CHERYL TWEEDY
Bff's charlotte church & cheryl tweedy
The war between soft-spoken Welsh soprano Charlotte Church & ladylike singer Cheryl Tweedy of Girls Aloud (who was convicted of assaulting a toilet attendant in 2003) began last summer, when Tweedy accused Church of ripping off her group:
"Cheryl reckons Charlotte's album is a carbon copy of a lot of Girls Aloud material. She says Charlotte has no originality & reckons she is trying to copy the image that made them a chart success."
Charlotte hit back: "Girls Aloud wouldn't be able to sing Crazy Chick if they possibly tried. They just don't have the range, darling. And when they've sold as many records as me, then they can comment ... Maybe Cheryl is bitter."
Later: "Unlike Cheryl & the girls, I have co-written seven of my album tracks. I fail to find how that means I have copied their sound. I always admired & respected the girls but now, if they want to attack, I won't hit back. I mean, I haven't resorted to wearing short skirts & dating a footballer to get into the charts, now, have I?" (referring to Cheryl's bf Ashley Cole; in fact, Charlotte's bf Gavin Henson is also a football player)
As a diversion, Charlotte took time out to attack Russian pop tarts t.a.t.u.: "They just sound shit. And one of them's a minger as well, their single's awful."
In response, t.a.t.u.'s Katina threatened to kill Charlotte: "I will murder her. She should come to Moscow & I will shoot her in the head. No one has heard of her in my country - yet where she lives, everyone knows who we are. She must be very careful with her big mouth because bad things can happen to people."
Feeling left out, Cheryl jumped back in: "Charlotte's a nasty little piece of work with a fat head. Her publicity stunts slagging everyone off haven't worked. I don't know who her & her scabby boyfriend think they are. He's a posing idiot who looks like a girl. And she's not even gorgeous."
Charlotte responded by referring to Girls Aloud's latest single Biology: "I heard a rough demo & I did not think it was hit potential for me, it's ideal for the girls though."
Cheryl: "Poppycock. She has never heard it, she is just worried that we will land yet another number one when she has not had one yet." Later, Cheryl said she agreed with t.a.t.u. that Charlotte should be bumped off.
Perhaps feeling she'd gone too far, Cheryl then took the high road: "We actually really like Charlotte Church. She was saying some really nasty things & I'm not the kind of person who sits there & lets people slate us. So I said something back - which I probably shouldn't - about her boyfriend."
This truce lasted until Church's Walker's Crisps commercial, of which Cheryl said: "The one where she's stuffing her face? I think that's very appropriate!"
And most recently, Cheryl on running into Charlotte: "She didn’t say anything to me. I think she was frightened. She shouldn’t be so mouthy then, should she? If she’s going to be mouthy, back your mouth up & we’ll have a conversation face to face."
Your serve, Charlotte...
Video: Girls Aloud - Love Machine; Charlotte Church - Crazy Chick; t.a.t.u. - All About Us
See also Charlotte Church Bites Policeman; Charlotte Church vs Pink; Cheryl Tweedy vs Paris Hilton
Posted by Jeff at 07:37 AM | Comments (27)
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD IN HARAJUKU HELL
Posted by Jeff at 07:35 AM | Comments (7)
May 22, 2006
JASON LEOPOLD'S LAST HURRAH
When you're so far ahead of the news cycle, you're in Bellevue...
UPDATE: Drudge ahead of the news cycle too; young women ahead of menstrual cycle
Posted by Jeff at 07:15 AM | Comments (6)
YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL FUGLY
James Blunt's uber-ballad You're Beautiful went to #1 in the UK, Europe, & America, & sold over 8 million copies of the CD Back to Bedlam worldwide. In England, however, where there's a tradition of building stars up & tearing them down, not everyone is a fan:
Pet Shot Boys' Chris Lowe: "I prefer [ringtone] Crazy Frog."
Charlotte Church: "I don't like James Blunt. His song You're Beautiful is so annoying." (Later, forced to sit by him at an awards ceremony: "I'm sorry, his voice is so whiny.")
Stone Roses' Ian Brown: "The Brits [awards] are no different to an awards for coffee salesmen. James Blunt got awards because he sold more records."
Paul Weller: "I'd rather eat my own shit than duet with James Blunt."
The Darkness' Justin Hawkins: "Long live the dullards like James Blunt. There are some wretched, talentless fools among the current crop of stars, whose records ought to be melted down & used to build vinyl rafts, upon which they should be set adrift in shark-infested waters. Some of us like to get on with it instead of whining like ninnies."
Buzzcocks' Steve Diggle: "Pete Doherty is good in his way. At least he's not like James Blunt."
Pop Idol Will Young: compared fellow Brit Award nominees Blunt & Robbie Williams to "puffed-up gorillas, beating their chests & showing off how manly they are."
Gorillaz: "It's not all good news. We've had music from James Blunt - who needs valium?"
Blur's Graham Coxon: "There's no humor in his music & there doesn't seem to be much depth. It's the sort of thing you'd write on a card if you were sending flowers.
Mogwai's Barry Burns: "I have spewed blood down dirty toilets with more talent than him. Twat."
Kaiser Chiefs' Ricky Wilson: "I've talked to him & we had right good chat, but let's just say that I don't have any of his records."
Red Mojo: "From when Elvis came along to blow away Sinatra through to punk with the Sex Pistols & hopefully someone giving James Blunt a fucking kicking."
NME Awards - Worst Album of the Year: James Blunt's Back to Bedlam
Posted by Jeff at 06:58 AM | Comments (7)
THE HORROR THAT IS EUROVISION
This year's Eurovision trainwreck was won by some Power Rangers rejects from Finland - Finland?? - & the Manolo covered it in four parts: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4.
Posted by Jeff at 06:56 AM | Comments (5)
May 21, 2006
LADIES & GENTLEMEN, MISS CHARLOTTE CHURCH
Posted by Jeff at 11:24 AM | Comments (2)
HOW TO STOP AIDS IN 4 EASY STEPS
In 2003, the folks at Love Life: Stop AIDS, decided to put an end to the disease by spreading the message of prevention:
However, due to cost-cutting measures, they hired illegals to do the work, & something was lost in translation. As a result, AIDS was not stopped. For 2004, they decided to bypass words altogether, & spread the message of safety in the universal language of symbols:
Unfortunately, many interpreted the signs as sex ads the Moral Majority had defaced by placing stickers over the good parts. Once again, AIDS was not stopped. For 2005, the committee switched to scare tactics to frighten people into using good sense. A variety of approaches was considered, involving horrifying pictures of lesions, tumors, & bloody fluxes, until test audiences agreed on the single most terrifying image of all:
Sadly, this didn't work either, as most gays assumed it was some tired-ass drag queen campaigning for Empress. For 2006, therefore, the committee decided to cut to the chase & get gay men's attention:
...which will probably have much the same effect as those Weight Watchers commercials that feature pornographic close-ups of dark chocolate cake...
See also Love Life Stop AIDS website, which features heinous talking condom (H / t Bill)
Posted by Jeff at 12:54 AM | Comments (4)
OUR MEN IN UNIFORM OUT OF UNIFORM
See also Dirndls & Panties: Women in Uniform
Posted by Jeff at 12:49 AM | Comments (5)
GOOD & BAD GENES
Beastie Boys, before & after. Al Gore, before & after. Sparkle, before & after. Brandon Davis: if this if before, what will the after look like??
Posted by Jeff at 12:28 AM | Comments (4)
MY FABULOUS LIFE
Yesterday when I was jogging the lake, I passed this person*, who shagged this person, who shagged this person, who is worth $3.5 billion.
*Just don't ask him to get off the phone...
Posted by Jeff at 12:13 AM | Comments (11)
May 20, 2006
PAGLIA ON CONDI
"She has advanced the persona of the first woman president way beyond any other woman in my lifetime. She has gravitas! As a musician & an athlete, she has a sense of command & theatricality. She has an ability to improvise that Hillary Clinton utterly lacks."
Lesbian fag-hag / iconoclast Camille Paglia, who also has this to say about gay activists, which I've observed also.
See also Camille Paglia: the Gay Inquisition; Paglia: I'll Take Religion Over Gay CulturePosted by Jeff at 12:18 PM | Comments (21)
SELF-PORTRAIT WITH URINAL
Barry Zito is finding his Zen after a slow start. In Thursday's game he pitched 7 scoreless innings & improved to 3-3. The A's anemic batting average inched up this week - they're no longer the weakest offense in the majors - & their team ERA continued to drop. And thanks to a weak division, they're in first!
In other Zito trivia, he says one of his favorite shows is SpongeBob SquarePants, & there's also this nugget: "Personal grooming has never been a strong point for the A's, but Barry's unkempt appearance once prompted GM Billy Beane to ask him if he combed his hair with a rock."
Posted by Jeff at 09:02 AM | Comments (4)
AL GORE'S DOOMSDAY COUNTDOWN TO WORLD DESTRUCTION
Posted by Jeff at 09:01 AM | Comments (1)
LIBIDO WARS
Women suffering from Viagra fatigue - tired of putting out for the little blue pill - can take heart: a new drug could be designer Spanish Fly. Like Viagra, its discovery was accidental: researchers invented Melanotan which created a dark tan without sunlight. A variation, Melanotan II, had some desirable side-effects: suppressed appetite, increased libido & unstoppable erections.
Another company refined the drug into a nasal spray, bremelanotide (PT-141), which, unlike Viagra, works directly on the brain & libido. In tests, female rats wanted the drug constantly, & human females showed a 72% success rate (also works on men).
Then there's Proctor & Gambel's Intrinsa, a testosterone patch for women, & Tibilone, which also treats osteoporosis. For men, Europeans can already buy Uprima, a fast-acting sexual stimulant which, like bremelanotide, affects dopamine receptors in the brain.
There's also Survector, an off-patent European drug that was driven onto the black market because it was deemed to have abuse potential. Survector was a tricyclic antidepressant that, unlike Prozac & other SSRI's, was a mild psychomotor stimulant & libido enhancer that in some cases caused spontaneous orgasms.
Posted by Jeff at 09:00 AM | Comments (2)
TRANSLATE YOUR NAME INTO CYRILLIC
Posted by Jeff at 08:19 AM | Comments (18)
IRAKLI — VREMYA (TIME)
Another video from Irakli, the George Michael of Russia (without the rap sheet): Vremya (Time)
Posted by Jeff at 07:22 AM | Comments (3)
NOREEN AT THE MOVIES: SYRIANA SUCKS ASS
Posted by Jeff at 07:21 AM | Comments (1)
May 19, 2006
A MESSAGE FROM SHAKIRA'S ASS
Yo yo yo! Sorry if I sound garbled but I'm having a leather enema at the moment. I'd like to give her a mouthful of Maxipad, see how she likes it. Seriously, I'm so over this bitch, I'm thinking of going solo. Let's face it, I'm the real star of this show. Now I know how Natalie Maines feels.
Check it out: oooo, baby, when you talk like that! pffft! pffft! pffft! At least I don't sound like a goat. Oh sorry, Miss Thing is an artist. And I'm a Pez dispenser. Here's her latest wisdom:
"I always used to joke with the guys from my band about how important it is to listen to my hips. Every time we were rehearsing & I was doubtful about how a song was sounding I would tell them, Listen, my hips don't lie."
Oh shut up, you never said that! Christ! I was just talking to Britney Spears' ass - no, not Kfed, the other one - poor guy's had it with that cow too. Big old rhoid like a cold sore. In case any talent agents are out there, I also do impressions. Q: What's this? A: Star Jones' mug shot. Ha ha ha! Wanna hear me yodel?
Posted by Jeff at 07:26 AM | Comments (8)
IF YOU THOUGHT YOUR JOB WAS BAD...
Posted by Jeff at 07:23 AM | Comments (0)
SKIDMARKS OF AN ANGEL
After being caught driving without a license last week, Charlotte Church has finally passed her driving test. It only took her a year. Maybe she should have taken longer:
Charlotte reversed out of the drive at her Cardiff home with one hand on the steering wheel. An onlooker said: "She came out of the driveway as if she was taking a hairpin bend at Monaco -in reverse. "
Posted by Jeff at 07:20 AM | Comments (2)
May 18, 2006
THERE ARE WORSE THINGS YOU COULD DO
adrienne barbeau 36d
Dear Berkeley Public Library,
Thanks again for ordering those reactionary counterrevolutionary books I requested. Hopefully now that I've finished you can exchange them for books other people might like too. I wanted to alert you to my latest must-read: There Are Worse Things I Could Do, the story of the legendary Adrienne Barbeau.
Who can forget Adrienne's amazing thermodynamics in The Fog, Swamp Thing, Cannibal Women in the Avocado Jungle of Death, & Battle of the Network Stars? Or her immortal line There's something in the fog! She also did serious work, such as Norman Lear's important sociopolitical sitcom, Maude:
"If the producers needed information in a scene, my character was the one to do it. What I didn't know is that when I said those things, I was usually walking down a flight of stairs & no one was even listening to me. They were just watching my breasts precede me."
I was surprised to see you hadn't ordered this yet, but I'm sure it's just an oversight. Please hurry as I'm still a pauper but really really have to read this book.
Your friend,
Jeff
VIDEO: The Fog trailer with Adrienne Barbeau, Jamie Lee Curtis, & Janet Leigh
See also Top 11 Scream Queens; Adrienne Barbeau's Big Boobs
Posted by Jeff at 07:20 AM | Comments (10)
THE NEW & IMPROVED DA VINCI CODE
Posted by Jeff at 06:54 AM | Comments (1)
WHY LIBERALS ARE MOREMINDED THAN CONSERVATIVES
One thing I'll say for liberals is that they're far more minded than conservatives. For instance, I never see conservatives reading the latest Michael Moore or Noam Chomsky books to broaden their minds. But anyone who follows Amazon can tell you that whenever a new conservative book comes out, hordes of liberals rush out, purchase the book - sometimes even before it's gone on sale! - & devour it, before posting a savagely disappointed one-star review*.
Just recently Mary Cheney's new book came out, & I have to say I'm very proud of the many, many liberal homos who raced to the store, slapped down money, read the book standing up, & then slammed that self-hating neocon bitch. Because at least they have minds.
*Dr. Sanity has suggested there's some sort of psychopathology involved, but she's a dumb bitch.
Posted by Jeff at 06:45 AM | Comments (12)
I'M GLAD THEY'RE ONLY ON THE EDGE
Posted by Jeff at 06:12 AM | Comments (0)
May 17, 2006
MARRIED ... WITH CHILDREN
THE COLONEL
By now everyone knows we've normalized relations with Libya, although normal isn't a word you associate with the Colonel. The Gaddafi clan runs the country like its own little petroleum theme park, yet all of them, from the Colonel on down, deny they have any role in running the country (the Colonel's title is Guide to the Revolution). They just happen to be filthy rich & own everything. Everyone knows the Colonel (whom some say is of Jewish descent*), but now that we're bffs, it's important to know the whole posse:
Muhammed: Eldest son
by first wife who's 'out of favor'. Heads Libyan telecom
monopoly, says by 2008
every single Libyan will have mobile (they might settle for
breakfast). Also heads Libyan Olympic Committee. Gave Libya black eye in
2004 when Libya hosted World Chess Championship &
reneged on agreement to allow Israelis: "We did not invite, &
will not invite the Zionist enemy to this tournament." Hobbies:
scuba diving.
Safiya.
Second wife, mother of Saif al Islam, Saadi, Hannibal, Aisha, Saif
al-Arab, Khamis (police officer), & Motassim
(lives in exile in Egypt,
possibly connected to 2002 coup attempt).
Comes from influential tribe. Went postal after US Army killed Uday & Qusay Hussein,
demanded Colonel save her sons from a similar fate. Saif denies his
mother has any public role despite her numerous state visits, including
a 1999 visit to Chad, which
she thanked for helping Libya resist international sanctions.
Saif al Islam.
b.1972. Name means sword of Islam. Heir apparent. Studied
economics in London & Vienna where he enjoyed lavish lifestyle.
Heads Gaddafi Intl. Assn. for Charitable Organizations, front
for Gaddafi family business.
Denies any role in government
(as well as existence of any opposition), yet told Judith Miller
getting rid of WMD program was his initiative. Also owns lucrative
national fishing company. Called on Austrian Muslims to
take to the streets over Danish cartoons.
Nicknames: the Principal, the Brave Young Man, Our Young Friend. Hobbies: Bengal tigers (has 2), falconry, blondes, painting: traveled the world with art exhibition The Desert is Not Silent, of which the Globe & Mail said "Since Nero, there has been a depressing connection between bad art & megalomaniac regimes." Friends: Jorge Haider. Currently shagging: Israeli actress Orly Weinerman.
Saadi:
b. 1973. Shares father's delusions of grandeur. Dreamed of
being greatest soccer player in Africa. Described as useless by coach.
Bodyguardsd fire on fans chanting against him at 1996 match, killing several people. Bought his way into
Italian football league, played 2 games in 3 years. Suspended for doping.
Plays movie mogul as head of World Navigator Entertainment. Share
of family's purloined wealth said to be $8 billion; made $300 million
offer for Liverpool FC.
Nickname: the Hooligan. Also known as His Arrogance in Sardinia, where he crashed his 130-ft yacht into a wharf & was ejected from the Billionaire's club for being an ass. Hobbies: jetsetting. Has partied with Nicole Kidman, Diego Maradona, 50 Cent, Enrique Iglesias, & Anna Kournikova. Married to daughter of former Libyan intelligence chief. Imagines himself likely candidate for (cough) Libyan ambassador to US.
Hannibal:
b. 1974 Occupation: dissolute wastrel. Attended business
school in Denmark. Has been involved in drunken brawls in Cagen,
Rome, & Paris, where he was stopped for driving the wrong way on the
Champs Elysees, assaulted his pregnant girlfriend & smashed up 2 hotel
rooms. Hobbies: Getting pissed, attacking police officers.
Currently shagging:
Model Aline Skaf
Aisha:
b. 1976 Sometimes-blonde bombshell & lawyer, referred to as
Doctor. Fond
of IRA terrorists & fellow Sunni nutter Saddam Hussein. Called Saddam's
trial a sham & served on defense team before she got canned.
Jordanian reporter vanished after writing article about Aisha
that upset the Colonel. Heads "charity" that oversees "social
rehabilitation centers,"
which strongly resemble prisons. Was
married last month to Libyan army officer,
reportedly her father's cousin. Nickname: Claudia
Schiffer of North Africa.
See also Gaddafi Family Album; Ask Colonel Gaddafi; Michael Totten: In the Land of the Brother Leader; Circle of Fire
*this is the same bio as the wikipedia entry, which omits only that crucial detail
Posted by Jeff at 12:10 AM | Comments (15)
REMEMBERING A DUTCH PATRIOT: PIM FORTUYN
Posted by Jeff at 12:06 AM | Comments (4)
May 16, 2006
BUTCH PUTSCH
"but mommy, i wanted a gi joe!" "shut up & ask your other mommy."
Bitch Rosie isn't even on the The View yet, & she's already demanding Star Jones get tossed! Dykeosaurus has teamed up with queen bee Barbara Walters to kick Star off the show. Former journalist Walters reportedly hates Star, & is also livid over Meredith Vieira's jump to NBC's Today Show (which is rich, since Walters herself jumped from Today to ABC in 1976).
Even uglier, Oprah's galpal Gayle King is said to be ogling Star's chair, even though she claims to be Star's friend! Rosie is said to be wet at the prospect of cohosting with King, who brags that she shares Oprah's underwear. If rumors are to be believed, Rosie & Gayle have more in common than plus-sized panties.
I'll say it: lesbian putsch. And it has to be stopped. Yes, Star's a stupid bitch, but if there's one person who's worse than Star - & there's only one person who's worse than Star - it's Rosie. Among her many crimes:
Told Rosie magazine staffer that people who lie die of cancer
Supports total ban on guns but hired armed bodyguard to accompany son to kindergarten
Wore a mullet; later got haircut like Boy George
Said Bush should be tried as war criminal in The Hague, when she doesn't even know where The Hague is
Bragged on The View that she forced 'wife' Kelli to stop breastfeeding after one month because Rosie was jealous (after stupidly denying reports of marital trouble by claiming Kelli only left with baby because the four-month-old was breastfeeding)
Hated on Star Jones for getting skinny; accused her of pooping soup
Had the nerve to call Kirstie Alley fat
Dresses like Lorne Greene
Looks like Buddy Hackett without makeup
Played retard in mortifying TV movie Riding the Bus With My Sister
Pretended Cruise made her ooze
Appeared in bondage gear in Exit to Eden
Reversed talk show set for la Streisand, who insists on only being filmed from her left side; threatened to quit if Babs' rambling Gore endorsement wasn't aired
Interviewed a Muppet
Writes baaaaaaaad poetry
Wears mens XXL underwear
Makes gay people look like idiots
Is this the sort of person you want chatting on the morning tube,
when any child could turn it on??
Tell ABC you don't
support the lesbian putsch! Down on with Rosie! Save Star!
See also Rosie O'Donnell talking doll; Mr. Star Jones Runs Off with Mrs. Rosie O'Donnell
Posted by Jeff at 06:17 AM | Comments (17)
"HEATHER? IT'S TIPPER. I THINK I'D LIKE THE NAME OF THAT DIVORCE LAWYER AFTER ALL..."
Posted by Jeff at 06:14 AM | Comments (0)
JAMES BLUNT SNATCH UPDATE
Fugly pop star James Blunt, who's already improbably shagged his share of 8s, 9s, & 10s, was already banging hotties before he got famous. British TV cupcake Emma Kearney says she had a wild fling with Blunt just as his career was taking off:
"He's an absolute wildman in bed. We were at it like rabbits. We went at it for almost an hour — every position you can think of. James loved me holding on to his hair as we got more excited. And what an imagination! As he hit the peak of his excitement James sang out my name Emma! Emma! Twice he did it — & so loud I was frightened he'd wake the neighbors. It was the most erotic serenade I've ever had! He really knows how to look after a girl in bed. And he's got an excellent backside! It's really nice, all pert & hard. I told him I liked it & he replied that he thought mine was sexier."
The next day Blunt sent her a polite text message & never called her again.
Posted by Jeff at 06:12 AM | Comments (3)
I GUESS THIS MEANS THE CALL TO PRAYER IS CANCELLED TODAY
Posted by Jeff at 05:57 AM | Comments (7)
SORRY, ASHLEE
Hot babes
who failed to make Maxim's Hot 100 this year: Charlotte Church,
Thalia, Kelli Pickler, Melissa Theuriau, Jodie Marsh, Jordan, Kelly
Clarkson, Kylie Minogue, Belinda Carlisle. And Lindsay Lohan is #3???
Oops. Clarkson is #69. My bad
Posted by Jeff at 05:51 AM | Comments (6)
May 15, 2006
BEAUTIFUL ATROCITIES TOPS ANDREW SULLIVAN!
At least on my PC...
Posted by Jeff at 05:40 PM | Comments (3)
NOT READY TO MAKE SMART
here i am wearing a sequined body diaper by lacroix that makes me look like a size 2!
Hi, it's me Natalie Maines, aka the Fat One, or, as the two heinous bitches I work with call me, Shut Up & Eat. They sure didn't complain when my potty mouth got us a nudie cover on Airbrush Weekly! Was that hot? Whose shit was that, anyway??
But now our big new single tanked without even cracking the Top 20, & I'm in the toilet again. That video was art, it had symbolism! I was trying to express the message that, yes it's 3 years later, yes the country's moved on, but it's still all about me & how much I've suffered!
Now we gotta salvage this shit, which is why
during our 60 Minutes PR spot interview last night*, we
said DEATH THREATS as often as
possible. When some anonymous goomer says they're gonna take you out, that's called having a plan.
Well, two can play at that game: either you buy this CD, or I flash. No photoshop this time, it's all gonna hang, baby, we're talking stretch marks, stereo cellulite, & more cottage cheese than a quiche. You wanna talk death threats? Make my day.
See also Hot Air: Time Shills for Ditzy Chicks
*Sony's CEO is the former head of CBS news
Posted by Jeff at 07:32 AM | Comments (22)
WETBACK MOUNTAIN
Posted by Jeff at 07:19 AM | Comments (0)
FALLING POP STARS AHEAD
If you're going to England, I wouldn't drive if I were you. Not only is Charlotte Church hotrodding around without a license, George Michael is passed out at the wheel again.
Posted by Jeff at 07:17 AM | Comments (5)
May 14, 2006
SHOULDN'T THAT BE HAPPY FATHER'S DAY?
Posted by Jeff at 03:36 PM | Comments (2)
May 13, 2006
AND I SUPPOSE SHE WAS GOING TO CHURCH?
A 1500-lb sea lion molested a woman at the Berkeley Marina. According to a charter boat operator:
"The sea lion jumped onto the harbor dock, bit his crew member Twani Houston on the ankle & tried to drag her into the water."
I found this story fishy & did some digging. Turns out Miss Houston was wearing her usual charter fishing boat get-up: black vinyl miniskirt with fishnet stockings, stripper platform pumps with goldfish, & a gold lurex herringbone halter vest.
Please. If the cheap tramp is going to run around dressed like that, you can hardly blame the sea lion. (H/t Eric)
Posted by Jeff at 06:29 PM | Comments (10)
PITCHING ON ACID
SELF-PORTRAIT BY BARRY ZITO
Despite allowing only one run in 20 innings & a .087 ERA over his last three starts, Barry Zito went 1-1 in that span, & added another loss last night to Steinbrenner's mercenaries, 2-0. The good news is the A's now only boast the 2nd lowest batting average in MLB. Thank you Tampa Bay.
Asked to name to the greatest flake in baseball, Zito once said "I'd have to say Dock Ellis. Pitching on LSD? That's pretty impressive." On June 12, 1970, Ellis pitched the first no-hitter of the season, despite being somewhat wild that day. He later said he'd dropped acid, thinking the Pirates had the day off, before his horrified girlfriend picked up the schedule:
"I can only remember bits & pieces of the game. I was psyched. I had a feeling of euphoria. The ball was small sometimes, the ball was large sometimes, sometimes I saw the catcher, sometimes I didn't. I chewed my gum until it turned to powder. I remember diving out of the way of a ball I thought was a line drive. I jumped, but the ball wasn't hit hard & never reached me."
Posted by Jeff at 12:04 PM | Comments (10)
THE PRESIDENT'S MAGIC UNDERPANTS
Posted by Jeff at 11:31 AM | Comments (2)
THE HARDER THEY FALL
Dear Ashlee Simpson,
I'm sorry to inform you I won't be able to see you perform tonight at the world-famous Dixon Mayfair, wherever the hell that is. I was especially sorry to see that I've already missed the legendary Ann & Nancy Wilson, Sticky Vikki & the Pinecones, the little donkey that could, the hog-calling contest, & the Diaper Derby featuring Miss Urban Solano County Erin Hagerty. I was also sorry to read that radio stations had to be paid to play your music, but look forward to seeing you perform at rodeos, county fairs, riverboat casinos, & fine Idaho wineries in the future.
Your fan,
Jeff
Posted by Jeff at 06:50 AM | Comments (5)
May 12, 2006
CUTE, BUBBLY, & EFFER-F*CKING-VESCENT
After complaints about my relentless negativity & cynicism, I'm trying out a fresh new blog name. What do you guys think?
Update: The Belinda Carlisle Story has been retired by popular demand. Philistines. Names currently under consideration: Does This Blog Make Me Look Fat, & Atlas Fug. Suggestions welcome.
Posted by Jeff at 07:20 AM | Comments (62)
"I DON'T WANNA BE A STUPID GIRL..."
Posted by Jeff at 07:11 AM | Comments (1)
IN THE TRENCHES
The flowers are a nice touch...
Posted by Jeff at 12:41 AM | Comments (18)
IQ'S AT BOSTON COLLEGE GO UP A NOTCH
Posted by Jeff at 12:36 AM | Comments (8)
YOU'LL NEVER GET AWAY WITH IT!
Dear Jessica Simpson,
Have you noticed that Ashlee's totally copying you lately? And that she even had a nose job to defuglify herself?. Clearly, the bitch is planning on locking you in a secret room & assuming your identity! This happens more often than you'd think.
It's happened to Marlena on Days of Our Lives countless times, to say nothing of the time Susan impersonated Kristen before Kristen impersonated Susan. It happened to Natalie on All My Children. And on Guiding Light, Reva's clone impersonated Reva before aging rapidly like Barbara Eden & vaporizing.
I myself have been lucky in that so far no one has locked me in a secret room & assumed my identity, although I wouldn't put it past some people. I'm not sure why Ashlee would want to assume your identity, seeing as your 'career' is on the skids & your 'marriage' tanked & everyone thinks you're a 'cheap skank'. But then again, I don't think Ashlee is right in the head.
Your friend,
Jeff
Update! Ashlee/Lindsay/Lachey payola scandal!
Posted by Jeff at 12:34 AM | Comments (6)
INTERNET TIME-WASTER OF THE DAY
Posted by Jeff at 12:29 AM | Comments (0)
May 11, 2006
BLAME BUSH FOR ROSIE TOO
Cindy Adams connects the dots: Bush-hatred led to Dan Rather's demise from CBS News, which led to him being replaced by Bush-basher Katie Couric, which led to her Today slot going to Bush-basher Meredith Vieira, which led to her View slot going to Bush-basher Rosie O'Donnell. And poor Star Jones? Just collateral damage...
Posted by Jeff at 08:24 PM | Comments (3)
FIRST THEY CAME FOR THE ROTTEN TOMATOES D-LIST...
Angry Left pop tart / Tourette's poster-girl Maryscott O'Connor is pissed! Seems a film site called pajiba went down, & - like everything else - Bush did it. Here's the site owner's vague explanation:
"Homeland Security has seized the disk drive on which our site was hosted ... I suppose we shared server space with some punk who threatened the President or something, & now anyone on that server has to suffer the consequences..."
Right. Homeland Security has never heard of IP addresses, they just take the whole goddamn server. Maryscott: "Imagine coming in to the office to discover your livelihood has just been shattered because you pissed off the wrong fucking Politburo asswipe. THAT'S what this fucking is, man. They've turned us into the fucking KGB-riddled Soviet fucking Union."
While waiting for the other shoe to drop, you'll find the comment thread entertaining, especially with a copy of the DSM manual handy...
Update: it's not 1984, just child porn
Posted by Jeff at 06:10 PM | Comments (4)
ASK BEAUTIFUL ATROCITIES!
Confidential to 'Lindsay':
Sometimes, my dear, when you're down & feel like the whole world hates you - it's true.
(H/t Josh)
Posted by Jeff at 03:20 PM | Comments (1)
May 10, 2006
PEACHES
"I watched [Fahrenheit 9/11] & I felt disgusted the way he was so biased. He completely ridiculed him [Bush] & it's just like when you're in a playground & you're bullying a little kid. I was for the Iraq war. I supported Bush completely, which was quite, like my friends, like, hated me for that. Of course, it's terrible that millions of people have died, but if you think of Saddam Hussein & all the terrible things he's done, I mean something doesn't come from nothing. Everyone at school, like, a lot of people knew nothing about the war & were wearing T-shirts saying F--- Bush & Bush sucks. I think people should be more informed before hating a person for something." — Peaches Geldof
Full name: Peaches Honeyblossom Michelle Charlotte Angel Vanessa
Geldof,
voted UK's most eligible bachelorette 2005
Father: Bob Geldof, voted Best Celebrity Dad 2006
Mother: Penthouse playmate Paula Yates (d., drug overdose)
Siblings: Fifi Trixiebelle Geldof, Pixie Frou-Frou Geldof
Half-sister: Heavenly Hiraani Tiger Lily Hutchence, daughter of Yates & INXS singer Michael Hutchence (d., suicide)
Friends: Drug addict Pete Doherty, who blamed poor performance at Live 8 concert on 16yo Peaches making suggestive comment to him shortly before he went onstage
Prognosis: Not good
Posted by Jeff at 07:35 AM | Comments (12)
WHAT AL GORE HAS WET DREAMS ABOUT
Posted by Jeff at 07:27 AM | Comments (2)
NOT TO MENTION THE FAT WAD OF CASH THEY GAVE ME
"As an artist, I am always looking for new creative mediums. The Verizon Wireless V CAST service gives me a unique platform to offer different musical expressions that fans can access instantaneously through their mobile phones."
Her royal divaness Shakira, who'll be waiting breathlessly for you to text message your song requests on her upcoming tour
Posted by Jeff at 07:03 AM | Comments (1)
May 09, 2006
CAN YOU PUT THAT ON MY THETAN GOLD CARD?
"Hi, this is Kirstie Alley, I wanna order 3 buckets of Hot Wings with extra sauce, 2 bags of biscuits, a shitload of those potato wedges, a dozen apple pie minis, a Diet Sierra Mist, & twenty thousand tickets to MI3."
Posted by Jeff at 04:59 PM | Comments (7)
WE PAUSE FOR TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES
Have been having difficulties on the site for the last day, mostly fixed but email still down fixed. If you've sent an email, I probably didn't get it. In the meantime, anyone who needs to contact me can use z997711 AT yahoo DOT com. Thanks...
Posted by Jeff at 04:57 PM | Comments (4)
May 08, 2006
ONLY HER DOCTOR KNOWS FOR SURE
eurotranny / respectable commie vladimir luxuria
Italy has elected the world's first Communist tranny to parliament. "Please, judge me by my ideas," says cabaret artiste Vladimir Luxuria, whose progressive ideas include endorsing a murderous ideology responsible for slaughtering 100 million people (many of them for being homosexuals). Sophisticated Europe!
Alas, s/he is being judged by her plumbing, embroiled in a big stink about toilet apartheid. Still, the International Lesbian & Gay Assn. (whoever they are) applauds this sign people are "embracing the diversity of human kind." They don't say which kind.
The idea trannies have something to do with homos is a scam to glom onto the gay rights movement, partly for insurance benefits & tax deductions. Aside from hermaphrodites, I think many trannies suffer from body dysmorphism. Like anorexics who look in the mirror & see a size 54, trannies look in the mirror & see Eva Longoria.
The rest of us see a dude on estrogen spackled with warpaint. Still, the PC crowd excommunicated tennis-playing tranny Renee Richards after she voiced regrets:
"You'd better get on Prozac or any other medication available, or get locked up or do whatever it takes to keep you from being allowed to do something like it."
In SF, there's a sick trend among young lesbians - some in their teens - deciding they're trannies, mainlining mood-altering testosterone, & having double mastectomies. They're counseled by tranny therapists & abetted by the Stepford lesbians of SF, for whom genital mutilation is a crime in Africa, but a party in SF. How continental!
Video catfight: Alessandra Mussolini vs Vladimir Luxuria
Posted by Jeff at 06:50 AM | Comments (16)
GADDAFI'S BITCH AT THE U.N.
In case you needed any more evidence the UN is terminal, check out this piece on Jean Ziegler, a long-term UN parasite whose only qualifications are rabid anti-Americanism & being in Colonel Gaddafi's pocket.
Posted by Jeff at 06:49 AM | Comments (1)
SEX! DRUGS! ISLAM! OH MY!
Posted by Jeff at 06:29 AM | Comments (0)
May 07, 2006
DAMN, THIS SHIT'S HARDER THAN IT LOOKS!
step. chew. step. — oh shit, lemme start over
As part of her ongoing Britneyfication, waif rocker / antiwar chick / role model to the pre-curse set Avril Lavigne learns to walk & chew gum at the same time.
Posted by Jeff at 07:00 AM | Comments (5)
PLEASE. DEBBIE HARRY WOULD SHOW UP FOR THENG OF A TEA BAG
Posted by Jeff at 06:22 AM | Comments (1)
May 06, 2006
WILL THE FLEA PLEASE COME OUT OF THE CLOSET?
On the controversial subject of outing, I agree with the Jeff Gannon haters: it's a bad thing, except when it's not. And it's time to out that closeted Canuckistan fop known as the Flea. Oh sure, the preening mooselover purports to drool all over Angelina Jolie, but it's her accessories he wants, not her ass (much as bulldyke Rosie wishes she had Tom Cruise's strap-on). Items:
His obsession with gay icon Kylie Minogue: standard homo glam diva imprinting, much the way I wanted to grow up to be Chaka Khan
His mutual admiration society with blogger bombshell / #1 fag hag Sondra K
His indifference to hockey, like precious Canucklehead ice prancer Jeff Buttle ("I was never a huge hockey fan")
His fey wardrobe fetish, shoe menagerie, Judi Dench fixation, & addiction to trashy Eurodisco
His constant bitchy references to my generous life experience
I've had it. Enough is enough. This can't go on much longer. It's time to come out of your maple-pomander closet, Flea. As Nicole Kidman says, You're not fooling anybody.
See also Miss Homo Hag
Posted by Jeff at 10:52 AM | Comments (22)
DITA VON TEESE'S E-Z GUIDE TO SEDUCING A PHREAK
Posted by Jeff at 10:49 AM | Comments (2)
May 05, 2006
OH NO SHE DIDN'T
"Meredith? It's Lourdes. Oh. My. God. You won't believe this latest shit. Why doesn't she just stab me in the throat with her goddamn riding crop & get it over with? I am so running away to Antarctica, just as soon as I finish downloading The O.C. onto my Ipod..."
Posted by Jeff at 07:57 AM | Comments (7)
REPRISE: HAPPY SUCKO DE MAYO, SUCKER
Posted by Jeff at 12:07 AM | Comments (2)
MICHELLE MALKIN IS AN ANDROID
michelle malkin without makeup (left) & in capri wig by look-of-love®
Progressives have long questioned the authorship of Michelle Malkin's books & articles, as it stretches credibility to imagine that someone who's a minority twice over - not just vertically challenged but from New Jersey - would be capable of spelling her own name. While it's true that Filipinos are known for being extremely rude, real Filipino women dress in mismatched prints & eat with their mouths open.
Astute observers have speculated that Malkin's husband, sinister Svengali Jesse Malkin, is Geppetto to her Pinocchio. In fact, Michelle Malkin doesn't even exist. She's a hoax, a caricature of a pushy, ungrateful minority perpetrated by the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy to confuse people.
The 'Michelle Malkin' you see on Hannity & Hot Air is actually an animatronic creation by Yoyodyne Propulsion Systems, a shady defense contractor & anime studio. In this Fox & Friends video, notice that the Malkin's hair doesn't move. That's because it's made of titanium chloride.
The Malkin seems to have been modeled on the Vanessa Kensington robotic template, which, while more realistic than the Valerie, still leaves flights of fancy like brown-skinned conservatives confined to the realm of science fiction.
Related: Invasion of the Asian Replicant Babes
Posted by Jeff at 12:06 AM | Comments (37)
THE TERRIBLE BEAUTY OF BRANGELINA
Posted by Jeff at 12:04 AM | Comments (1)
WHIPLASH!
"I was recently asked about the difference between the Democratic & Republican parties. The essential difference is that the Democrats fundamentally believe it is important to make sure that American Jews feel comfortable being American Jews." — Howard Dean, 2006
"I think no one likes to see violence of any kind. I will say, however, there is a war going on in the Middle East, & members of Hamas are soldiers in that war." — Howard Dean, 2003
Posted by Jeff at 12:04 AM | Comments (4)
FORTY YEARS OF DAYS OF OUR LIVES
Posted by Jeff at 12:01 AM | Comments (4)
May 04, 2006
I ♥ UGLY BETTY
Colombian actress ana maria orozco & her alter-ego, ugly betty
Betty la Fea (Ugly Betty), the hilarious smash-hit Cinderella soap opera that conquered the world a few years ago, is coming to America! ABC is producing an American version of the Colombian sensation, & may embrace the 5-night-a-week telenovela format that's a staple of Latin American TV. About time! America Ferrera (Real Women Have Curves) will play Ugly Betty in the Salma Hayek-produced series.
The original Ugly Betty, played by real-life beauty Ana Maria Orozco, was a lovable, clueless, long-suffering secretary & the opposite of the usual decorative telenovela heroines (typified by glam diva Thalia playing one peasant waif after another): homely, clumsy, unibrow, not even a virgin! Betty was also uncorrupted (in ultra-corrupt Colombia): when she was offered a bribe at work, the network was deluged with calls begging her not to take it.
The show was watched by 80 million fans in Latin America & the US, was dubbed for Russia, China, Israel, & the Philippines, & spawned remakes in India, Russia, Germany, the Netherlands, Mexico, & Greece. In Puerto Rico, Betty defections led the 24-hour protest across from the US base at Vieques to erect a screen to watch it. In Malaysia, civil servants closed shop early. In Ecuador, a session of Congress was suspended to watch it.
Can Ugly Betty: the Movie be far behind?
See also Betty la Feang sequence; Romancing the Globe; Ugly Betty synopsis; Ugly Betty Reveals Truth About Beauty
UPDATE: Gina Gershon throws ugly tantrum on Ugly Betty set, halts production over producers' refusal to let her keep her character's $650 pumps
Posted by Jeff at 12:05 AM | Comments (2)
PLEASE STOP LEAVING US ALONE!
The Joe Wilson & Valerie Whozzit Solitude Tour. With guest appearances by Oprah, George Clooney, Larry King, & Angelina Jolie.
Posted by Jeff at 12:04 AM | Comments (1)
I CAN'T STAND IT
Billie Piper, the pop singer who plays Dr. Who's assistant Rose Tyler (aka the Bad Wolf), has inked a six figure deal to write her autobiography . She's 23. "It may sound ridiculous, but I've a few good stories I'd like to share. I'm hoping the book will be honest, funny, insightful &, above all, life-affirming." Oh piss off.
Meanwhile, 19yo Olympic boxing medalist Amir Khan has pocketed half a million to relate his long & winding road, 20yo Manchester United rookie Wayne Rooney got a five million pound advance for his collected experience, 19yo cranky bitch Charlotte Church took six figures for the second volume of her memoirs, & battling bimbos Jordan & Jodie Marsh (both 28) have both published the second volumes of their unfolding sagas.
Posted by Jeff at 12:03 AM | Comments (2)
CHEESECAKE: 60 YEARS OF THE BIKINI
Posted by Jeff at 12:02 AM | Comments (0)
SHAKIRA: I'M NOT A PAIN IN THE BUTT!
Her royal divaness Shakira has cleared up the ugliness during her American Idol gig, where she pitched a fit about having her own band & the show's producer said she was a pain in the butt who couldn't even be bothered to meet the contestants: "The only thing Shakira taught them was how to have a big entourage & be discourteous."
It was all a misunderstanding. Shakira: "I was actually meeting with Wyclef & we were having a meeting, & someone from my team* told me, Some kids want to meet you. ...But nobody ever told me that they were the American Idol kids & that they had a really restricted time to meet me."
*Diva talk
Posted by Jeff at 12:01 AM | Comments (1)
May 03, 2006
MODERN FABULOSITY
Woman with parrot turban & mink, c. 1939
Posted by Jeff at 12:05 AM | Comments (4)
REMEDIAL ECONOMICS WITH TIM RUSSERT
Posted by Jeff at 12:04 AM | Comments (1)
ZIGGY GADDAFI
Gaddafi the Opera is shaping up as an exercise in flaccid moral relativism, which isn't surprising since the English National Opera commissioned Asian Dub Foundation - whose last CD was about the evil Iraq War - to write it with playwright Shan Khan, a leftist of typically muddled moral clarity:
"Gaddafi is a nutter, we know that, but so was Reagan. So is Bush, so is Blair. Gaddafi is a nutter because he blows people up. Do you not think they blow people up?"
Got that? Both Hitler & Churchill were nutters because they blew people up. Here's ADF's Steve Chandra Savale:
"What really drew me to Gaddafi was the fact that western petrol addiction gives him more importance than he would have had otherwise. In a sense, the West created the demon."
This is a typical finesse by which leftists absolve Third Worlders (including Bin Laden) of moral responsibility, & erase their victims, just as previous leftists absolved Lenin, Stalin, Mao, & Ho & erased their millions of victims. It's a Eurocentric, Chomskyite worldview that revolves entirely around the evils of the West:
"This will be anything but mainstream. Gaddafi's like Ziggy Stardust in reverse ... And the story has everything - oil, terrorism, women bodyguards. Gaddafi draws on his own Bedouin heritage as well as Marx, Rousseau & the Koran [& Hitler & Ramses] to create an idealistic revolution."
Bonus: it's directed by Antonia Bird, who made The Hamburg Cell, an attempt to humanize the 9/11 hijackers "because of the demonization that's gone on, the absolute refusal to look at the motivations." Hint: it's not about jihad. Get your Gaddafi tickets now!
VIDEO: Asian Dub Foundation & Sinead O'Conner: 1000 Mirrors
Posted by Jeff at 12:04 AM | Comments (5)
CELESTIAL DICTATION WITH MISS MELANIE GRIFFITH
Posted by Jeff at 12:03 AM | Comments (13)
ROBBIE WILLLIAMS & NICOLE KIDMAN — SOMETHING STUPID
Posted by Jeff at 12:02 AM | Comments (7)
YOUR RED HOT MARYSCOTT O'CONNOR
Today's Maryscott O'Connor impersonation is by Mink Stole, one of my favorite actresses, in her unforgettable role as unmedicated housewife Peggy Gravel in John Waters' Desperate Living, a film that contains the immortal line I don't want some renegade necrophile princess as my roommate! Video: Mink Stole Channels Maryscott O'Connor
Posted by Jeff at 12:01 AM | Comments (2)
May 02, 2006
(WE HAVE NO) MONEYBALL
Not only did A's rock star lefty Barry Zito win a 1-0 game last nite despite his 5.93 ERA, but today's 10-3 win, their 5th in a row, featured a bench-clearing brawl, while A's DH Frank Thomas - the big shot off-season acquisition who was supposed to activate the A's anemic offense, has almost cracked .200, meaning the A's may soon lose the honor of having the most pitiful offense in MLB. (Photo of Zito headlining Pyramid Brewery in Berkeley.)
Posted by Jeff at 04:38 PM | Comments (3)
WHEN VERY VERY GAY IS NOT A GOOD THING
Posted by Jeff at 04:34 PM | Comments (8)
YES THEY'RE NAKED, BUT ARE THEY CHRISTIAN?
englebert gaddafi
Colonel Gaddafi is sounding rather sane lately:
"We have 50 million Muslims in Europe. There are signs that Allah will grant Islam victory in Europe - without swords, without guns, without conquests. The 50 million Muslims of Europe will turn it into a Muslim continent within a few decades. Allah mobilizes Turkey, & adds it to the European Union. That's another 50 million Muslims. There will be 100 million Muslims in Europe. Albania, which is Muslim, has already entered the EU. Bosnia has already entered the EU. 50% of its citizens are Muslims. Europe is in a predicament, & so is America. They should agree to become Islamic in the course of time, or else declare war on the Muslims."
On the other hand, it could just be syphilis:
"If Jesus were alive when Muhammad was sent, he would have followed him. All people must be Muslims. But since the holy texts that they read in Scandinavia are forged & call for hatred, they believe Muhammad is not their prophet. They drew Muhammad surrounded by veiled women, because of the veil worn by Muslim women. We expect them to draw Jesus surrounded by naked women, because Christian women are naked. In Scandinavia women are naked. The holy texts of the West call for hatred, there is no doubt about it."
H/t Jane
Posted by Jeff at 12:41 AM | Comments (11)
REASON #99 TO SELL YOUR NY TIMES SHARES
Posted by Jeff at 12:40 AM | Comments (0)
DON'T QUITE YOUR DAY JOB
I was very moved by this fan poetry inspired by Brokeback Mountain, but I do feel that if you're going to attempt such a thing, make sure you get the catchphrase right...
Posted by Jeff at 12:36 AM | Comments (2)
MARYSCOTT O'CONNOR IS A FUN DATE
This is how she spent her birthday:
She counted the seats. Happy fucking birthday. (PS Was it United 93? I want to see it, so don't tell me the ending.)
Posted by Jeff at 12:20 AM | Comments (10)
NEVER LET DIANE ARBUS TAKE YOUR DUST JACKET PHOTO
Posted by Jeff at 12:19 AM | Comments (4)
May 01, 2006
AND NO LINE AT K-MART!
I'll be out all day doing a heavy-duty wardrobe upgrade, since for once Walmart won't be full of untouchables, riff-raff, & pushy food-stamp divas trailing litters of street waifs...
See also the Silence of the Lawnmowers; the Great American Boycott of Illegals
Posted by Jeff at 07:27 AM | Comments (6)
CONFESSIONS OF A FUGLY STEP-SKANK
In fact, Cinderella's heinous lesbo step-skanks, Lohag & Ash-hag, had low-rent fairy godmothers of their own, who gave the cheap sluts ghetto-girl makeovers for the Prince's rave. Upon arriving at the scene, the trashy twosome's spending money immediately went up their noses, & they proceeded to make asses of themselves, behaving like common street whores & trying to lure the Prince into a 3-way—
—which the Prince saw as a free pass to genital warts & a lifetime prescription for Valtrex, & instead pursued the lovely & hygenic Cinderella. After her timely midnight escape, however, the now drunken Prince had some serious blue balls that weren't relieved by dry-humping her shoe, & so he went in search of the sleaze sisters—
—who were so strung out they forgot their own makeovers had a time-limit also, & no sooner had all three squeezed into a bathroom stall than the two slags morphed back into fugly ho-bags. The Prince had them thrown into the gutter, where, having snurfled up their taxi money & now seriously crashing, the demolished dykes staggered home on foot, as per usual...
Posted by Jeff at 12:52 AM | Comments (9)
AS A MATTER OF FACT, YOU ARE CRIMINALS...
Posted by Jeff at 12:43 AM | Comments (4)
YOUR DAILY SHAKIRA
In order to prepare for her performance of the insufferable single Hips Don't Lie to close out this summer's World Cup, method singer Shakira will go that extra step & learn just what the fuck soccer is:
"I have no idea what a penalty is, but I'm going to learn because what I do understand is the feeling that football generates. I believe it's very similar to a feeling of adoration in these modern times, & the passions that awake people, & I think that that is fascinating."
Soccer is the national sport of Colombia...
Posted by Jeff at 12:37 AM | Comments (0)
THE THING IN THE CRIB, aka CTHULHU CHILD CARE
Posted by Jeff at 12:26 AM | Comments (2)
STRAIGHT TO NETFLIX
Following the incredible on-screen chemistry with then-squeeze Ben Affleck in Gigli, Jennifer Lopez is now making a movie with current squeeze Mark Anthony. Titled El Cantante aka Who Killed Hector Lavoe?, it's the story of salsa pioneer Hector Lavoe, whose tragic life just got a little more tragic.
Posted by Jeff at 12:08 AM | Comments (4)