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April 29, 2006

OH SAY CAN YOU SEE BY THE JAIL'S EARLY LIGHT

"Even my record company abandoned me. (only) The gay community continued singing my songs. The transvestites continued imitating me. Against all odds, I love them. They support me & take care of me." — gloria trevi

When last we saw Mexican jailbird songbird Gloria Trevi, she was rotting in a Third World prison like a common street whore. Trevi, who in the 90s was Mexico's most outrageous personality, became famous as a pop singer & 'actress' in films like Zapatos Viejos (which also starred outrageous boxing champ Jorge Paez).

Then, with scumbag manager Sergio Andrade, Trevi became a fugitive from Interpol on charges of child slavery & child prostitution & spent several years in a Brazilian lockup. After an OJ-like circus trial, Trevi was acquitted in 2004 (Andrade was convicted of rape & kidnapping & sentenced to — time served).

Now she's putting her talents to better use, participating in the reconquista of the Star Spangled Banner. Along with [Puerto Ricans] Olga Tanon, Carlos Ponce, [Haitian] Wyclef Jean, & others, Trevi is heard on Nuestro Himno, in which the national anthem is rewritten in Spanish, & includes such PC nuances as avoiding references to bombs & rockets (which the un-PC British used to shell Fort McHenry).

See also Rise & Fall of Mexico's Madonna; Self-aggrandizing Trevi video: En medio de la tempestad. Audio: Nuestro Himno (H/t Fausta)

Posted by Jeff at 01:26 AM | Comments (8)

RUT-ROH...

Press release: "The University of North Carolina at Pembroke's bar for its Distinguished Speaker Series gets higher each year."  And, really, now that they've snagged Nancy Grace as this year'sr, how much higher can it go??

Posted by Jeff at 12:52 AM | Comments (2)

"HAD IT BEEN A HOMO BROTHEL, THEY'D BE LINING UP FOR THE GROUP RATE..."

Posted by Jeff at 12:49 AM | Comments (1)

TAKE ME TO YOUR READER

Following up on my harajuku-Ikea post, in which I suggested the Japanese were from outer space, Russ sends along this essay on the weird-ass country, which observes:

"If you take the conventional gamut of human possibility as running, say, from Canadians to Brazilians, after 10 minutes in the land of the rising sun, you realize the Japs are off the map, out of the game, on another planet. It's not that they're aliens, but they are the people that aliens might be if they'd learnt Human by correspondence course & wanted to slip in unnoticed."

And then there's this:

"If religions were cars, Shinto would be a wheelbarrow.  It lacks the most rudimentary theology. Onto that was grafted Zen Buddhism. Zen is so desiccatedly aesthetic nobody knows what it means. On top of all that, the Japanese chose to add Confucianism. It has been said there’s no such thing as bad philosophy. Confucianism is the exception that proves the rule. Modern Japanese people get born Shinto, married Christian, buried Buddhist & work Mazda. Consequently they believe everything & nothing."

Posted by Jeff at 12:21 AM | Comments (6)

April 28, 2006

LIFT & SEPARATE

In between TV commercials, concert venues, & nightclub feuds, megabusy songstress Charlotte Church watches her health by taking advantage of the mobile Backseat Pap Smear Clinic.

See also If Women Were Soccer Teams: "Fulham would be Charlotte Church: Proof that money can't buy you class..."

Posted by Jeff at 07:46 AM | Comments (11)

TODAY'S MARKETS WITH SUSAN SARANDON

"It's very easy to blame immigrants* for the disastrous state of our economy, the failure of the health-care system, the educational crisis, the disappearing middle class & just about every ill that makes this country unwelcoming to the immigrants*."

Economist Susan Krugman Sarandon, who hasn't noticed that the US economy just showed its strongest quarter growth in 2½ years, that stocks are at 6-year highs, that unemployment is 4.7%, that the US deficit is not remarkable as a percentage of the GDP, or that despite our best attempts to make this country unwelcoming, immigrants just keep pouring in...

*Miss Sarandon suffers from a speech defect that makes it impossible to pronounce the word illegal.

Posted by Jeff at 07:45 AM | Comments (2)

YOUR DAILY MARYSCOTT O'CONNOR

In an effort to help Angry Left Boring Left ingenue Maryscott O'Connor quit smoking & thus deprive us of her entertaining nicotine-fueled rages, we offer this instructional message from John Waters.

Posted by Jeff at 07:03 AM | Comments (2)

"HAW HAW HAW! OH ROSIE, I WAS JUST TELLING MY HUSBAND AL HOW MUCH I LOVE YOU FAT GIRLS!"

To fill the fat-chick job vacancy created by Star Jones' gastric bypass, The View has hired (gulp) Rosie O'Donnell. Rosie's qualifications are that she weighs 300 pounds & is completely crazy. Star Jones, whom Rosie issued a fat fatwa on earlier this year, could not be reached for comment, but it was doubtless unprintable. Picture of the happy fivesome here.

See also Mr. Star Jones Runs Off With Mrs. Rosie O'Donnell

Posted by Jeff at 06:51 AM | Comments (3)

I GUESS ASTRONAUT IS OFF THE TABLE

In an effort to present a modern, cosmopolitan face to the world, Saudi Arabia is phasing out the sick fucks, lechers, & molesters salesmen in its world-renowned lingerie shops & replacing them with saleswomen: "The problem is not the lack of Saudi women workers but with creating better job atmosphere."

Also, the fact that women aren't allowed to drive or appear in public without their owners. The Labor Ministry has launched a campaign aimed at employing 200,000 women:

"Some of the jobs that have been identified for Saudi women are receptionists, tailors, banquet hall employees, nutritionists [aka cooks], governesses, beauticians, caterers, and hospitality & recreation industry workers [use your imagination]."

Posted by Jeff at 06:46 AM | Comments (2)

April 27, 2006

VAMPIRES ARE GAY

sharon tate in polanski's fearless vampire killers

Anne Rice's Interview With a Vampire was published in 1976, the year ABBA released Dancing Queen. The novel developed a cult following among gays, who identified with its homoerotic humidity & netherworld of outcasts. Rice followed with Cry to Heaven, about gay opera singers, before writing a sequel featuring Lestat & his gay boyfriend.

Rice also wrote Exit to Eden, made into a terrifying movie with gay crank Rosie O'Donnell in a codpiece & bondage gear. Interview was made into a movie by gay producer David Geffen with gay-blonde Tom Cruise as a lame Lestat. Now fat gay housefrau Elton John has taken the whole mess to its logical conclusion & turned it into a gay Broadway musical which one reviewer called Claudia Has Two Daddies.

The show was panned, although Star Jones (married to gay man Al Reynolds) called it tragically sexy. Anne Rice, who like Jones recently had gastric bypass surgery, now lives near gay hotspot Palm Springs, a favorite haunt of her gay son: "Christopher visits Palm Springs a lot. He loves people & he loves to be involved in whatever is going on."

Posted by Jeff at 12:38 AM | Comments (15)

A SHORT-LIVED EXPERIMENT IN BLOGGING THE TRUTH

Posted by Jeff at 12:29 AM | Comments (3)

MARYSCOTT O'CONNER GOES HOLLYWOOD

Straight to her head: ever since the WaPo puff piece on her, Angry Left pinup Maryscott O'Conner has been one big fat no fun zone.  And now she's quit smoking????

Posted by Jeff at 12:27 AM | Comments (13)

I'VE GOT A LIFE, THANKS

Sean pointed me to this interview with the always refreshing if crazy Chrissie Hynde, who fled Ohio for London in 1973 & later formed the Pretenders:

On today's female rockers: "I don't care. I couldn't care less. I'm not a feminist. I've never been rooting for women. I've never cared about women or men. I'm not here trying to save anybody or tell them what to do."

On being a rocker: "Being in a rock & roll band is not my life. It's my hobby. I've got a life, thanks. And I don't need people to buy my records. I'm not trying to sell anything here. My only agenda in getting into a band was to not be a waitress somewhere in Akron & to have some fun."

On the Rock n Roll Hall of Fame: "What the f***? I got in a rock band so I'd never have to be in a Hall of Fame. I don't like awards & I didn't want them. Everyone was saying, Oh, but it's a big honor. You should be glad. Everyone always knows better than you how you feel & they're always telling you. But I know how I feel."

She also tells us how gays saved America...

Posted by Jeff at 12:26 AM | Comments (3)

April 26, 2006

DAMN. I WAS HOPING IT WOULD BE NANCY GRACE...

Posted by Jeff at 06:58 AM | Comments (0)

LIFE WITH BRAD & WHATSIT

See also I Wonder Who Jenny's Doing Now

Posted by Jeff at 05:57 AM | Comments (5)

BEAUTIFUL ATROCITIES BARGAIN OF THE DAY

Posted by Jeff at 05:53 AM | Comments (5)

WAR IS LIKE, SO HEINOUS

In case you're a warmonger who supports Chimpy McHitlerburton's reckless oil-grab, you may change your mind after you listen to Avril Lavigne: war blows. Neil Young, you're no Avril Lavigne.

BONUS: Deep thinker Pink gets political — Dear Mr. President. (Excruciating video here). H / t Dan

Posted by Jeff at 05:42 AM | Comments (18)

COMPLETE D.I.Y. GUIDE TO BLACK SITE PRISONS

Say you're a world pariah who's recklessly led your country into an illegal & frankly messy war, shredded the Constitution, violated the phone confidentiality of terrorists, & pissed all over the Geneva Conventions. Now of course you'll want to build a sooper-secret network of black-site prisons to incarcerate the victims of your foreign depredations.

Impossible? Hardly. Even though such an undertaking will involve hundreds, if not thousands of people, including Bush-hating journalists hungry for Pulitzers, it can be done. And as we know from the Vast JFK Conspiracy & the 9/11 Controlled Demolition, it's possible to pull it off without a single person blabbing:

Martin's Classified Guide to Black Site Prisons

Posted by Jeff at 05:34 AM | Comments (3)

April 25, 2006

THE CHURCH OF NO GUILT

"I don't do the gym, my only workout is on the dance-floor on a Saturday night. And I love a good Chinese [ED: I assume she means the food]. Because I'm happy I eat & eat. I just love food & hate the gym & it seems to be a pretty curvy combination."

— Charlotte Church, the new face of Walker's crisps ("The role jumped out at me because I absolutely love crisps."). Church is also officially one of the Top 10 Happiest People in England (#8, way ahead of bony-ass Kiera Knightley, #38).

UPDATE: Bony-ass Kiera Knightley tops World's Sexiest Woman poll. Charlotte Church, only #40 on list, defends her right to eat: "I'm a curvy girl. I’m not one of those skinny models with a tent on, which is how most of them seem to look these days."

Posted by Jeff at 06:39 AM | Comments (35)

ALI SALEEM: THE RUPAUL OF PAKISTAN

Posted by Jeff at 06:31 AM | Comments (0)

April 23, 2006

MSM CRYPTOANALYSIS: A PUBLIC SERVICE

What the article says: "Republicans are urging Bush to dump Cheney & replace him with Condoleezza Rice."

What the article means: Fred Barnes of the Weekly Standard is urging Bush to dump Cheney & replace him with Condoleezza Rice.

Posted by Jeff at 02:16 PM | Comments (6)

April 22, 2006

SEYMOUR HERSH & THE MUTANT NINJA BAMBOO

Crack reporter Seymour Hersh has revealed the Bush Administration's secret plan to nuke Iran. Relying on his usual vague unnamed inchoate sources, Hersh says Phase I of the top secret plan, code named 'Nuke Iran,' involves turning the entire country in a giant glowing bowl of hummus.

In Phase II, thousands of disadvantaged Third World youth will be issued sunglasses & flip-flops & sent in to plant bamboo. That shit will grow anywhere, & in the radiation-mulched soil, will spread like a mucus discharge in Paris Hilton's rolodex.

Mideast violence will cease as all join forces to stop the marauding wall of mutant ninja bamboo, a 50-foot green tsunami looting, raping, & pillaging anything in its path. India will erect a giant Teflon wall. The Arab League will quickly shift its economic base from oil to wind chimes & tiki bars.

In Europe, feckless EU bureaucrats will still be issuing stern resolutions on invasive species when the bamboo impales them in their chairs. Should any terrorists manage to sneak the bamboo into America, we will unleash our super-secret Phase III weapon: mutant ninja kudzu.

Posted by Jeff at 04:10 PM | Comments (8)

April 21, 2006

CHICKEN RUN: DARK LORD BILL FRIST

Posted by Jeff at 06:41 AM | Comments (1)

April 20, 2006

THROWS LEFT, STRUMS RIGHT

Rock star / ace pitcher Barry Zito was robbed of his first win this season as the A's bullpen got smoked again in the 9th by the Tigers. Luckily, the whole division sucks. When he's not surfing or strumming, Zito also heads Strikeouts for Troops, where pitchers donate money to wounded soldiers & their families for every batter they strike out. In 2005, they raised $137,775 for 1,438 strikeouts. Other players involved include Curt Schilling, Manny Ramirez, CC Sabathia, & Chipper Jones. Detroit 4, Oakland 3.

Posted by Jeff at 07:08 PM | Comments (3)

LACROSSE RAPE REPORT: THE CINDERELLA FACTOR

Posted by Jeff at 07:01 PM | Comments (1)

FAN MAIL!

Actually, I don't get any, but my friend Jane the Hedgehog does. Jane's blog, Armies of Liberation, documents corruption in Yemen, where President Ali Abdullah Saleh rules by nepotism & unlucky journalists are imprisoned. Jane seems to have developed a strong following among Middle Eastern males:

"YOU ARE REALLY VERY STRANGE AMERICAN NON GOD BELIEVER INTRODER, DONT YOU HAVE A MAN TO GARD YOU? A FATHER, BROTHER OR HUSBAND? TO EDUCATE YOU & GUARD YOU & PREVENT YOU FROM BECOMING A STREET IMPOLITE WOMAN?  WE DOT WANT YOUR BAD DEMOCRACY? WHY DONT LEAVE YEMEN POLITICS & GET COSERNED WITH YOUR HUSBAND IF YOU HAVE ONE! STAY IN YOUR HOME IF YO HAVE THE LEAST DIGNITY."

Another:

"WOMENS ARE HAVE HALF BRAIN,HALF RELIGON & HALF MONEY INHERITANCE. WOMANS ARE IMPORTANT TO THE SOSIEIEY IF STAY IN HOUSE COOKING, GIVING BIRTH TO CHILDREN GIVENING PLEASARE TO HUSBAND OBEYING HIM THEN DIE & GO TO PARADISE. SHE GO OUTSIDE HOUSE ONLY TWO TIMES ONE FROM HER FATHER TO HER HUSBAND THE TWO FROM HER HOUSE TO HER GRAVE.  WE DONT LIKE WEST LIFE WITH WOMANS IN THE STREETS EVERY MAN TAKING THEM TO MAKE PLESURE."

Posted by Jeff at 12:43 PM | Comments (19)

THANKS, BUT I DON'T LOOK GOOD IN LEOPARD

Posted by Jeff at 12:42 PM | Comments (0)

STUPID GIRL OR CRANKY BITCH?

"She's desperate for PR. I think she said it because Gav turned down an offer to be in her next video."

Cranky bitch Charlotte Church slags off way-more-successful Pink, after the latter said Church's obnoxious boyfriend Gavin Henson was obnoxious. Beautiful Atrocities finds Church's explanation unlikely.

Also, having written the "first volume" of her memoirs at age 14, Charlotte is finally coming out with the second volume next year, even though she's only 19. I guess a lot happened in 5 years. At this rate, if she lives to be as old as Mick Jagger, who's 80 if he's a day, her collected memoirs will run to sixteen volumes.

Posted by Jeff at 06:30 AM | Comments (1)

THE IKEA MATRIX

Ikea isng one of its hygenic Scandinavian monoliths in Tokyo, which is the sort of living Hell I can't even imagine. The only thing worse than that endless sanitized particle board purgatory of Muzak & bad furniture in hallucinatory rooms that keepng, one into another, like a series of Chinese boxes, would be some Bladerunner-noir Ikea wormhole with sushi bars, Yakuza wives, harajuku girls whose sneers can draw blood, & everywhere tense, compact nuclear clusters of Japanese, of all the people on the planet the ones most likely to be an alien infiltration, who bark sharply at each other in inscrutable cadences that aren't even Indo-European, but turn sinister halogen smiles on foreigners, smiles that say I see you but you can't see me, monkey boy, & conceal not just centuries of clannish isolation but a secret smoldering, fuel-efficient flame for world, if not galactic, domination...

See also How to Secure Screws in Particle Board; Ikeaphobia; Ikea Sucks; Japanese Pedicure. Via Sean

Posted by Jeff at 06:22 AM | Comments (7)

BEAUTIFUL ATROCITIES HOT SITE OF THE DAY

Posted by Jeff at 06:15 AM | Comments (0)

April 19, 2006

I'M MIKE GRAVEL & I APPROVED THIS GIBBERISH

Proving the Democrats aren't just the party of tertiary-stage Bush Derangement Syndrome, former Alaska Senator Mike Gravel became the first Democrat to announce his candidacy for President, vowing to transfer the power to declare war from Congress to "the people", to recall all US troops from Iraq, & to fight terrorism by forming a global committee. Good. That should do it.

Gravel, who's used to going where no space probe has gone before, seconded his own nomination for Vice President at the 1972 Democratic Convention, read the Pentagon Papers into the public record, advocated a guaranteed annual wage of $5000 whether one worked or not, & proposed a Teflon-domed city near Mt. McKinley.

In 2003, he spoke at a conference for the anti-Semitic Barnes Review, which includes articles like Hitler: Overlooked Candidate for the Nobel Peace Prize; Holocaust Smoke  & Mirrors; Joseph Mengele: A New Look; Masonry & the Secret Empire; & Resisting the Smotherout ("Worse than any German war crimes, real or alleged, were the actual crimes of the Allies.").

And last winter, Gravel visited Libya & praised Colonel Gaddafi, saying "The direct popular democracy exercised in the Libyan Jamahiriya represents an evolution of the conception of democracy in the world, & mankind should emulate it." At last, a sensible alternative to the Angry Left!

Posted by Jeff at 05:42 AM | Comments (5)

I'LL BE THE ONE STANDING OVER A PUDDLE IN FRONT OF LA CREPERIE

Posted by Jeff at 05:41 AM | Comments (2)

RUSSIAN POP: MORE THAN JUST TATU

Irakli is a 29yo Russian pop star / sex symbol whose mother enrolled him in music school when he was 5. He recorded his first song when he was 16 & was the first in his school to dress hip-hop (in one of his first bands, his nickname was Canine Tooth). He became a DJ & club promoter, moved into R&B, & got his break on Fabrika zvezd, the Russian version of Fame Academy, leading to several hit songs & a successful CD, London-Parizh.  Video: Kapli Absenta

Posted by Jeff at 05:40 AM | Comments (2)

YOUR DAILY SHAKIRA

"History tells us that the greatest men were always small. Napoleon, Woody Allen, Bob Dylan ... (Bono) is a good man. I admire people in the arts who participate in political issues & refuse to lead selfish lives."

Learned savant & hot pork chop Shakira (who's 4'11"), praising U2 alpha dog Bono, who unselfishly tells Western governments what they should do with their citizens' taxes, regardless of whether it works or not

Posted by Jeff at 05:35 AM | Comments (7)

April 18, 2006

MARIANNE FAITHFULL — AS TEARS GO BY

YouTube has vintage video of Sixties mod girl Marianne Faithfull singing her first hit, the melancholy folk-pop As Tears Go By (penned by Mick Jagger). There's something eerie about Faithfull's plaintive, somber expression, as if she senses the hard road awaiting the lovely & intense young singer.

The daughter of an Austrian Baroness, Faithfull was discovered in 1964 at a party by producer Andrew Loog Oldham, the British Phil Spector, who packaged her as a willowy pop sylph. She had a famous romance with Jagger, but miscarried their daughter at seven months. In the Seventies, she spent many years hooked on heroin.

Later, she emerged as a talented & original singer / songwriter with her Broken English album, which shocked people with her now-gravely voice & haggard appearance.

Posted by Jeff at 06:48 AM | Comments (7)

POOR KID NEVER HAD A CHANCE

Posted by Jeff at 06:47 AM | Comments (3)

EMBRACE THE INSANITY

In case you're dying to know what happened to 90s fitness infomercial phreakout Susan Powter, she's back as a tribal lesbian Earth mother with pink dreadlocks & a new video called Trailer Park Yoga. There was nothing particularly original about Powter's fitness regimen - eat well & exercise - but she had an infectious energy & didn't suffer fools lightly. She still doesn't:

On walking away from a lucrative talk show: "What's hard is doing authentic on television. The medium is one of the most pervasive mediums on the planet & and it's being used for complete shit."

On fame: "Anybody that tells you they're having difficulty being rich & famous is a fucking idiot. It's a whole lot easier than not being able to pay your electric bill, or buy food for your babies."

On Suzanne Somers' Thigh-Master: "Squeeze, Squeeze, Squeeze? Did anyone take that seriously?"

On Linda Evans' Rejuvenator Face Mask: "You just have to love her for the shoulder pads alone."

On Dr. Phil: " (As) if women are not sick at this point of male experts telling us how to control our lives. Dr. Phil giving weight loss advice? I'm totally confused. He's fat?"

On Deepak Chopra: "The horror. Just ridiculous. Another male expert in the 'field' of spirituality. I'll give ya spirituality, 10 centimeters dilated, buddy!"

On marriage: "Horror! Everybody goes through that once or a couple of times."

On monogamy: "One of the tools used to enslave women. I live tribally. The way we lived for eons before we were taken over."

On whether women are better lovers: "Absolutely, without a doubt, no question about it, no going back baby … ever."

Posted by Jeff at 06:39 AM | Comments (7)

YOUR DAILY SHAKIRA

Galvanic pop tart & important intellectual Shakira is organizing Latin Aid, a "revolutionary" event to raise consciousness & provide — oh, who cares. More importantly, the Profound One has been nominated in the World's Worst Lyrics Contest.

Posted by Jeff at 06:38 AM | Comments (2)

SALON WAS TOO BUSY WITH ABU GHRAIB RERUNS

...so Sondra linked this story of an amazing & brave American soldier you won't see on the evening quagmire watch.

Posted by Jeff at 05:48 AM | Comments (2)

AT LEAST THIS ONE IS SPELLED RIGHT

In case it's absolutely vital to know, Barbra Streisand has issued her latest foreign policy statement. It's much like the last, presumably much like the next...

Posted by Jeff at 05:39 AM | Comments (3)

April 17, 2006

CINCO DE WHOZZIT

It's almost Cinco de Mayo, the day schools in California take time out from itemizing the horrors of American history to celebrate the Mexican 'victory' at the Battle of Puebla. Please. They defeated a French regiment; that's not a battle, that's dodge ball.

But it's important the children of illegals long-term tourists identify with a corrupt oligarchy where kidnapping for ransom is the national sport, highwaymen waylay travelers, sweatshops are the major industry, & running shoes are required after drinking the water.

Imagine how things would have gone if Santa Anna had won at San Jacinto: the entire western US would be an impoverished outback, with Santa Monica & San Diego overrun by arrogant jerks from Newfoundland on jet skis. The situation would be so desperate we'd be trying to sneak into Canada, which is dire.

There we'd live the good life as rent boys in Vancouver, potato peelers in Calgary, or snow shovelers in Winnepeg. On weekends we'd get pissed on wretched Canadian beer & tattoo the Mexican flag on our ass. Our parents would be squatting in hovels in Bakersfield & Tucson watching Sabado Gigante & waiting for us to send them weirdass Canadian money.

Los Angeles would be Mexicali, Seattle would be Tijuana, San Francisco would be a shantytown, & Silicon Valley would be a swap meet. Michael Buble would be a god, Tom Cruise would be doing telenovelas, Kelly Clarkson would be singing one more tired version of Besame Mucho, & Pink would be dreaming of crossing over to the Big Time in Halifax.

Ay caramba!

Posted by Jeff at 05:07 AM | Comments (19)

April 16, 2006

ERIC CHAVEZ

A's five-time Gold Glove Eric Chavez went 4 for 4 in today's game against Texas, but at the last minute the Rangers cheated.  Texas 5, Oakland 3.  You suck, Keith!

Posted by Jeff at 03:41 PM | Comments (3)

PEACE MOONBEAM & THE SEA SLUG

In which our hapless heroine finds herself aboard a diseased trawler with a drunken sod of a captain, flinging cocktail sauce at Greenpeace & torching a defenseless sea mammal: Somewhere in the North Atlantic...

Posted by Jeff at 03:22 PM | Comments (1)

April 15, 2006

HAPPY EASTER FROM THE EASTER ORPHAN

(...but this is just wrong)

Posted by Jeff at 06:05 PM | Comments (0)

AISHA FUGGAFI

 

One of the great mysteries of existence has always been how swank moll Aisha Gaddafi escaped the butt-fugliness of her siblings. Granted, cosmetics, peroxide, & collagen can engage the terrorism of genetics, but still, they didn't call her the Claudia Schiffer of North Africa for nothing.

Which is why it's disappointing to see her show up at her father's Gaddafi Lloyd Weber shindig last night - complete with are-they-still-breathing singers & Libyan children dressed as angels & waving candles - looking matronly in a frumpy white suit, sensible shoes, a rare headscarf, & seriously in need of a dye job.

Granted, the anniversary - the destruction of her childhood dreams - was a somber one, but still yes to peace (in her words) doesn't have to mean no to shizzle. At least last night she didn't make any faux pas like singing the praises of IRA bombers or Saddam Hussein, although she didn't have time to mention her father's bombing of a West Berlin nightclub, the Lockerbie bombing (270 dead), or the UTA airliner bombing (170 dead).

See also Absolutely Aisha (With a bow to Heather & Jessica)

Posted by Jeff at 10:49 AM | Comments (9)

MAKE PASTRY, NOT WAR

Posted by Jeff at 07:50 AM | Comments (7)

LEFTOID LUNACHICK OF THE DAY

My new idol, demented blogress / leftie pin-up / shrieking harpy Maryscott O'Conner:

"I was not like this before. I was riddled with empathy for everyone suffering in the world. I have become one of those people with all the bumper stickers on their car. I am this close to being one of those muttering people pushing a cart. I'm insane with rage & grief. But I also feel more connected than I ever have."

Maryscott also posts at Markos Screw'em Zuniga's Daily Kos, aka Angry Leftoid Central, alongside Democratic presidential candidates, the House Minority Leader, & failed presidents. (H / t the Malcontent)

Posted by Jeff at 07:49 AM | Comments (6)

BEAUTIFUL ATROCITIES HOT SITE OF THE DAY

Posted by Jeff at 07:37 AM | Comments (2)

THE CHARLOTTE CHURCH BULLETIN

Cranky bitch Charlotte Church & rugby playing bf Gavin Henson have had another spat. This one happened at a comedy club when the comic, riffing on religion, said the only Church he'd ever been in was Charlotte. Gavin appeared mortified & reportedly ignored Charlotte the rest of the night, possibly as payback for the time she ripped him a new one for getting drunk & passing out in another girl's bed: "How dare you fuck around behind my back?" Apparently that time, Gavin managed to convince her it was an entirely platonic drunken romp. Don't you hate it when that happens?!

Posted by Jeff at 07:32 AM | Comments (0)

April 14, 2006

MADNESS TAKES ITS TOLL...

Typical signatory to online petition to Stop Bush from Attacking Iran (which again threatened Israel with nuclear annihilation today):

#9320. Julie in Battle Creek, MI: "First off, I want to relate that I had attempted to sign this earlier, but I was sent to some bizzare [sic] link in Cyberland & then, once again, the contents of my e-mail box was removed & I was prohibited access to it, nor could I send any mail. This has happened numerous times as I am a VERY vocal non-supporter of this war, or any war!! So Dubya & friends, I hope you & your buddies at AOL enjoyed my mail & I also want to make clear that I do NOT support you, your Congress & your bloody wars!!!!! You Condi, Rummy, Cheney, Rover...all of you are the worst thing to ever happen to this country & the world!! All you care about is blowing bloody hell out of the rest of the World to further your oil-grubbing ways & control issues! I, & most every one of my fellow American's [sic] that I have spoken to, are sick of it!! ENOUGH! STOP THE MADNESS NOW BEFORE YOU KILL US ALL!!!!"

For a psychological explanation, see Dr. Sanity: Logical Fallacies & Rhetorical Ploys Used in Denial. See also Susan Powter: Stop the Insanity!

Posted by Jeff at 05:41 PM | Comments (20)

THAT EXPLAINS A LOT ABOUT NICOLE

"I didn't hesitate for one moment. This is about making a difference in the world. When religion & politics have not been able to agree, music has always been able to resolve it."

Former music star Lionel Richie explaining why he's performing at Gaddafi's concert for the 20-year anniversary of Reagan's Tripoli raid. The purpose of the concert is so that people can 'express their regret for what their governments did,' & includes a film The Resistance to the Attack, & a demand for compensation.

Talking of compensation, Enrique Iglesias was said to have pocketed a six-figure check performing for Gaddafi's hideous spawn at a Caribbean New Year's bash. No word on how much Richie is being paid to make a difference...

See also Fug, Is it Me You're Looking For?

Posted by Jeff at 12:12 PM | Comments (4)

URBAN LEGENDS: WILD DOG PACK TAKES DOWN ALLIGATOR

A reader sends this picture, from one of those annoying chain emails, which purports to show a wild dog pack taking down an alligator, & questions its authenticity. My immediate reaction is skepticism. Can a dog pack really take down an alligator? Quite the contrary, as the reverse is often the case.

I am aware of no alligator or crocodile species with a lemon yellow stripe. It's possible the creature in the photo is a caiman, the juveniles of which are yellow with black spots, but then where are the black spots? A gavial is another possibility, but, as they are largely aquatic & confined to the Indian subcontinent, unlikely.

My guess is the photo depicts a cephalopod, probably a squid. In the sea, squid are extremely aggressive & do hunt in packs, but this one appears to have been out of the water for some time. Most likely its carcass washed ashore, & as dogs' fondness for calamari is well-known, we can conclude the photo has been staged, & is a fake.

See also Cephalopods in a Blanket

URBAN LEGENDS? CONTACT BEAUTIFUL ATROCITIES!

Posted by Jeff at 07:04 AM | Comments (11)

JAMES HUDNALL

James Hudnall is a writer & artist who has a great blog I found via Tammy Bruce. Check out his posts on the opposing states of mankind, secrets of writing, the enemy above, & American intifada. I'm even willing to overlook the fact that he watches American Idol.

Posted by Jeff at 07:01 AM | Comments (0)

BEAUTIFUL ATROCITIES TIME-WASTER OF THE DAY

Posted by Jeff at 06:45 AM | Comments (1)

DEATH TO THE CORRS

Dawn French, who does  a killer Bjork parody, also does a delicious number on those odious Irish folk-rock siblings The Corrs. She's joined by comedy partner Jennifer Saunders of AbFab, who does male drag better than anyone in show biz: French & Saunders — the Corrs.

Posted by Jeff at 06:43 AM | Comments (2)

THE LOW SELF-ESTEEM DOG

There's a dog next door that spends most of its time, except nights, outdoors. Instead of sunbathing or frolicking or doing whatever dogs do all day, it  stands by the back door barking & howling in a sad ululating yowl, because it has abandonment issues & doesn't understand why it's been left alone. I tend to tune it out if I'm home, but judging from comments I've heard, it may be headed for doggie Auschwitz.

Occasionally, the dog's antics bring the embarrassed owner to the back door. In a low voice, as if the whole state can't hear the dog barking, he hisses No! No! Bad dog! - apparently unaware the dog doesn't speak English - gives it a kick, & goes inside. So the lesson to the dog is that if it cries long enough & loud enough, its beloved master will appear, even if it means getting a swift kick. Because that's better than nothing.

Posted by Jeff at 06:36 AM | Comments (8)

PUSH'EM UP FOR NATIONAL CLEAVAGE DAY

Posted by Jeff at 12:55 AM | Comments (2)

April 13, 2006

VEGAS GADDAFI

This shit really pisses me off: how do you satirize Gaddafi when he throws a grand gala hootenanny to commemorate the 20-year anniversary of Reagan's bombing of Tripoli, starring Lionel Richie?? "Artists from the United States & Europe will take part to send the whole world a message that art is capable of uniting peoples whom politics has divided & to express their regret for what their governments did."

"Candles will be lit & patriotic songs sung before the concert. A film on the US raid entitled The Resistance to the Attack is also to be shown, along with children's drawings & paintings. A conference is to be held, which organizers hope will be attended by Western academics, on the theme: The US attack, its consequences & the right of Libyans to compensation & an apology".

The shindig, organized by - cough - Osama Mohammad (remind me to address the severe shortage of male names in the Muslim world) - is called the Hana Festival for Freedom & Peace "in remembrance of the Libyan leader's slain daughter". Okay, it wasn't his daughter, it was some kid he adopted after the raid & called his daughter. And the raid was in retaliation for Gaddafi's bombing of a Berlin disco full of US servicemen.

But Lionel Richie? Haven't the Libyan people suffered enough?

See also How to Build a Lionel Richie Head; How Libya Carried Out the LaBelle Disco Bombing

UPDATE: From our new friend, Libya — senior Libyan thug official says Bush is "insane" & that the US "is a damned country, banished from divine mercy & deserving only of being cursed." Cursed?! Wait'll you hear Lionel Richie, buddy!

Posted by Jeff at 07:21 AM | Comments (6)

THE MONSTER FOAM THAT ATE ELLSWORTH AFB

Posted by Jeff at 07:20 AM | Comments (1)

GENOCIDE, XENOPHOBIA, & CAT PISS

Noreen notes that genocide is linked to a country's fondness for vile spirits, & she has a point. Mexicans - the ones currently marching outside with Fuck Off Back to Europe signs - are descended from those genocidal maniacs, the Aztecs, who were the bomb at slaughtering gazillions of people on high holidays but couldn't even invent the fucking wheel, which is why we're not all speaking Nahuatl & sacrificing our firstborn down at the local pyramid.

And Mexicans still drink mezcal, fermented vomit made from some evil organism that only grows in desolate wastelands & tastes like cat piss. Oh, & by the way, if Baja was a US state, it would be Florida now, instead of resembling some blasted post-nuclear hellhole. Viva la raza!

Posted by Jeff at 06:59 AM | Comments (5)

YOUR DAILY SHAKIRA

First Britney, then Kate Moss, now Shakira: despite the fact that everyone is sick of her song, Hips Don't Lie, which she's performed everywhere except K-Mart, the Colombian firecracker will be honored with a 16-foot iron statue of herself in her hometown of Barranquilla. Shakira:  "I want people to think that any girl can start working on her dreams, & that they can come true."

The statue, made by some German lunatic, was originally to be erected at long-term parking in the airport, but Shakira insisted it be moved downtown, so that all may worship at her iron thighs. As if that's not enough, Shakira will close the 2006 World Cup in Berlin this summer, performing you-know-what for the zillionth time.

Posted by Jeff at 06:33 AM | Comments (8)

April 12, 2006

IN THE TRENCHES: IDF SOLDIERS

Israel has compulsory (Jews, Druzes) & voluntary (Christians, Muslims, Circassians) military service starting at age 17. Both sexes are eligible for military service. Conscript service obligation - 36 months for men, 21 months for women.

Posted by Jeff at 06:46 AM | Comments (6)

VACATIONS IN MORDOR

Colonel Gaddafi invited Christians & Jews to visit scenic Mecca in Saudi Arabia, an apartheid state run by a religious Gestapo. "Gaddafi challenged Muslim religious leaders to allow George Bush to enter the main mosque in Mecca & pray there" — hopefully not during the annual human stampede.

This went over well with the Muslim Brotherhood, who said "We are used to Gaddafi's crazes as he makes edicts as he pleases," pointing out the idea was against Islamic law, & suggesting Gaddafi only said it to provoke the Saudis, with whom he has "tense relations," probably because he tried to assassinate Crown Prince Abdullah.

Gaddafi said world conflict is caused by Christians & Jews who haven't figured out that they're really Muslims: "Those who slandered the Prophet in Scandinavia were wrong because they did not consider Mohammed as their prophet due to wrong teachings that incite hatred." He added that Muslims wouldn't dream of defaming another religion: "They respect Jesus, Mary & all others."

Gaddafi also called for "reviewing" the Bible, which is "false & phony." Speaking in Timbuktu, he promised to build a canal for the region, perhaps like his Great Man-Made River fiasco, which ended up as cost-effective as using bottles of Perrier for irrigation.

Posted by Jeff at 06:45 AM | Comments (4)

HOT VIDEO: MAKEUP TIPS FROM TAMMY FAYE

Posted by Jeff at 06:44 AM | Comments (1)

WHAT WOULD WE DO WITHOUT MILLIONAIRE SOCIALISTS?

Over at the Nation, editrix Katrina Vanden Heuval, whose grandfather founded MCA-Universal, doesn't even know who her Congressional rep is. At Harper's, publisher John R. MacArthur, grandson of gazillionaire John. D. MacArthur of the MacArthur Foundation, applies his silver spoon acumen to the now-scrapped French labor law that would have allowed employers to fire new workers if they were worthless jackoffs.

According to Jr., it's nothing but "discrimination permitting bosses to exploit & churn the lowest-paid people with the least seniority." Also known as a market economy. MacArthur Jr. applauds the boutique protesters that brought down the law:

"Whatever the merits of a 'flexible' labor market, at least French unions still have enough dues-paying members to put up a fight."

If he'd studied medicine instead of dabbling in journalism, he'd know that some parasites kill the host. And if his grandfather had lived in a decrepit sclerotic socialist bureaucracy, Jr. wouldn't be playing publisher, but making paper-clip chains as a government clerk & saving up to buy that economy Yugo.

Posted by Jeff at 06:40 AM | Comments (4)

QUOTE OF THE DAY

"I love a good fry-up. I'm a natural fat girl." — Cranky bitch Charlotte Church

Posted by Jeff at 06:35 AM | Comments (5)

THIS SHIT IS REALLY STARTING TO PISS ME OFF

Posted by Jeff at 06:29 AM | Comments (1)

April 11, 2006

THE JAMES BLUNT SNATCH REPORT

james & camilla, Mischa Barton, Jessica Sutta, petra Nemcova, tara Palmer-Tomkinson

Say you're an average-to-fugly guy with a loyal if adequate girlfriend, but you dream of banging world-class skanks, supermodels, & socialites. What do you do: a) get a blog, b) get cast on That 70s Show, or c) write a love song about your girlfriend that sells gazillions of copies & takes you on a round-the-snatch-in-80-days tour?

James Blunt tried c) & now bodacious babes are hurling themselves at him like spawning salmon, much to the heartache of longtime girlfriend Camilla Boler. Last fall, Blunt announced he'd broken off with Camilla & was said to be smitten with the OC's Mischa Barton, who appeared in his video for - cough - "Goodbye My Lover".

James & Camilla reconciled, but in February, he was said to be banging Pussycat Doll Jessica Sutta.  Just a few weeks ago, he was spotted getting cozy with Czech supermodel Petra Nemcova. Then he banged intensely private British scenemaker / socialite Tara Palmer-Tomkinson, who blabbed to the entire world, causing Camilla further agony.

A contrite Tara responded, "I didn't even know James had a girlfriend. Now she's come out of the woodwork & says I made all this up for PR. First of all, I never talk about my private life. And secondly, I'm not the one who needs publicity out of the two of us."

If Blunt's ready for a challenge, he should set his sights on cranky bitch Charlotte Church who says  "I don't like James Blunt. His song You're Beautiful is so annoying."

See also Cranky Bitch of the Day: Charlotte Church

Posted by Jeff at 12:12 AM | Comments (13)

BEAUTIFUL ATROCITIES HOT SITE OF THE DAY

Posted by Jeff at 12:11 AM | Comments (1)

YOUR DAILY SHAKIRA

Shakira continues to make new fans! After pitching a fit about having her own band on American Idol, turns out Shakira left the set without so much as an hola, adios, or pinche cabron:

"Last week we had Shakira on & she didn't even meet with the kids. She asked to meet with the contestants. She kept them waiting for half an hour & then didn't even bother getting off her ass & walking up the stairs. The only thing Shakira taught them last week was how to have a big entourage & be discourteous."

Posted by Jeff at 12:03 AM | Comments (4)

WANTED: JOLLY PRUSSIAN NUDISTS FOR SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH

Posted by Jeff at 12:02 AM | Comments (0)

WHY DEMOCRATS SHOULDN'T LISTEN TO THE MSM

Vanity Fair is one of those East Coast elitist rags where all the writers share the same paleoliberal worldview, none of them know a single person that voted for Bush, & no one has a clue what's going on in America. Here, VF's George Wayne chats up BBC correspondent Katty Kay, & it's clear the BBC lady knows more about America than Wayne:

VF: I think Kerry should be the next president.

BBC:  The public doesn't like to reward people who lose. Look at Al Gore. John Kerry had so much to work with — a bad economy, the mess in Iraq.

VF: America was not ready to oust a president who had started a war. There was no way they would kick out a president who had started a war, especially at that time. The war was what saved the Bush presidency.

BBC: I covered that election, & Kerry could not come up with a plausible policy. I covered that election every day for an entire year, & I had no idea what John Kerry's policy was. So it's no surprise he could not convince the American people.

Posted by Jeff at 12:01 AM | Comments (4)

April 10, 2006

SOPHISTICATED EUROPE: DECRIMINALIZING CRIME

Posted by Jeff at 04:50 PM | Comments (1)

LA FEMME GADDAFI

No, she's not auditioning for Charlie's Angels³, she's one of Gaddafi's Amazon bodyguards:

"Gaddafi surrounds himself with handpicked female bodyguards. All of them swear an oath that they will give their lives for him. They never leave his side, night or day, & he insists they remain virgins. There is no shortage of volunteers for what is seen as a prestigious job. A special training college puts recruits through a tough program. Girls who don't drop out emerge as trained killers, experts with firearms & martial arts. Gaddafi makes the final selection &, despite the virginal tag, rumors abound that he demands their sexual favors."

On the other hand, a recently declassified cable from just after 9/11 shows Gaddafi shitting his pants in terror of America's wrath:

"The September 20, 2001, cable describes Mr. Gaddafi as calling 'every Arab leader in his Rolodex,' to intercede on his behalf with Washington. The cable says Arab diplomats relayed that the Libyan dictator famous for publicly confronting President Reagan with his 'line of death' speech, was 'hysterical in his telephone phone call to King Abdullah as if only his personal intervention would prevent U.S. action."

See also Stop Gaddafi, Libyan opposition website with interesting historical background

Posted by Jeff at 06:45 AM | Comments (10)

LIAR LIAR

Rosie O'Donnell picks a fight with flyweight uberbitch Naomi Campbell:

"I just picture this cute little Mexican woman saying, Excuse me Miss Campbell can I possibly get you...  & Naomi going, Get away from me, bam bam bam! To make matters worse she had that jewel-encrusted cell phone. That's got to score with the diamonds. She looks like you could snap her in two but she's a tough-ass, kick-ass woman. I would actually like to fight her. I think for all the people that she's beaten up, I think she needs a big 200 pound lesbian to kick her ass."

Please. This broad hasn't seen 200 in years.

Posted by Jeff at 06:41 AM | Comments (5)

HOW THE WEST WAS WON

Posted by Jeff at 06:40 AM | Comments (5)

IS IT BJORK OR IS IT MEMOREX?

Nothing can top this hilarious parody of Bjork's "Big Time Sensuality" video by plus-sized comic Dawn French (comedy partner of AbFab's Jennifer Saunders). "Bjork" — I Hate Normality

Posted by Jeff at 06:38 AM | Comments (2)

THE HORSE'S MOUTH

So Andrew Sullivan has a new book coming out:  The Conservative Soul: How We Lost it, How to Get it Back. Exactly who is the audience for this book? Liberals aren't going to buy it. Most gays aren't going to buy it. And conservatives lost respect for Sully after his bizarre public phreak-out / 180 on Bush, the War, & Everything, which was really all about the Federal Marriage Amendment, aka the Defining Issue of Our Time.

Should sell about as well as Wonkette's novel...

Posted by Jeff at 06:35 AM | Comments (4)

April 09, 2006

SPARKLE HITS THE JACKPOT ON MYSPACE

Posted by Jeff at 05:14 PM | Comments (2)

HOMEWORK: CRISIS IN EUROPE

Bruce Bawer, author of While Europe Slept, has a long piece in Hudson Review that's worth printing out & reading. "Crisis in Europe" is his experience of moving to Amsterdam in 1998, expecting a liberal, uh, Mecca, & instead finding a city & a continent that was rapidly fracturing along cultural fault lines between secular liberalism & medieval Islam.  And no one wanted to talk about it. Crisis in Europe

Posted by Jeff at 04:07 PM | Comments (1)

April 07, 2006

YOUR DAILY SHAKIRA: GAMES WITH DESTINY

Here's the diva on the spooky origins of her hit duet with Wyclef Jean, Hips Don't Lie:

"I don't want you to think I'm esoteric or metaphysical, because I'm not superstitious, but I dreamed about Wyclef one night before he & I actually met. It was a sign from heaven. So I took a plane to meet him in Miami, & that's how it all got started. It's a happy accident or one of those games with destiny."

Since Shakira's English isn't so good, let me translate: in November her first English CD in 4 years was released to a great thudding silence. So in January, Sony head Tommy Mottola laid down the law, telling her the follow-up single wouldn't be any of Shakira's own lackluster songs but a new, added duet with fellow Sony artist Wyclef Jean (of his composition).

Mottola also informed her she'd perform the song anywhere from Good Morning America to American Idol to salvage the repackaged CD, because in the end the music business is all about the bottom line, not happy accidents.

Posted by Jeff at 06:57 AM | Comments (9)

HOW ARE THINGS IN FUCKING AUSTRIA?

Posted by Jeff at 06:55 AM | Comments (2)

GADDAFI TOWER

Libya will fork out $250 million to build Gaddafi Tower, a 50 story five-star hotel / ego shrine in Dakar, Senegal:

"Major cities in the world are known to associate their names to an icon: New York has its Statute of Liberty, Paris has its Eiffel Tower, Kuala Lumpur, its Netronas towers, Sydney, its Opera. Gaddafi Tower will symbolize for generations to come the image of an emerging country in a thriving continent."  

Which is sweet, because Libya recently insinuated that the US should foot the $100 million it would cost to destroy its chemical weapons in order to comply with the 1997 Chemical Weapons Convention.

Speaking in Dakar, Gaddafi said Africans should learn African rather than European languages , which is also sweet because Libya has long suppressed Amazigh, a language of the original Berber peoples of North Africa conquered by the Arab invasion, & Libyan children are only allowed Arab names by law. (Maybe the Arabs should pay the Berbers compensation for colonialism.)

Posted by Jeff at 06:40 AM | Comments (4)

YOUR TAX DOLLARS AT WORK: THE WORLD TOILET SUMMIT

ATL Malcontent has the down & dirty on this essential use of your tax monies, including the amazing 3-D toilet game "to educate toilet users on proper toilet hygiene & toilet etiquettes."

Posted by Jeff at 06:38 AM | Comments (0)

MASAMANIA: THE SHINTO PENIS FESTIVAL REPORT

Posted by Jeff at 06:34 AM | Comments (2)

BIRTHDAY PRESENTS FOR THE PERSON WHO HAS EVERYTHING

A personal phone call from a certified D-list celebrity. Man, how to decide between Greg Evigan & Ron Palillo??

Posted by Jeff at 06:26 AM | Comments (4)

April 06, 2006

FASHION: THE GADDAFI LABEL

 

One of the things that distinguishes the Colonel from your typical déclassé psychopath eccentric is his sartorial shizzle. Over the years, he's carefully crafted his own signature look, a sort of Dune / Tank Girl / Jean Paul Gaultier chic. However, Muammer is also an intensely private tyrant who needs his space, & like Michael Jackson, knows how to pass undetected among the teeming proles, whether trolling for snatch in Ibiza or skulking for clandestine nukes in Buttf*ckistan. GQ Gaddafi, we salute you!

Posted by Jeff at 07:53 AM | Comments (5)

BEAUTIFUL ATROCITIES HOT SITE OF THE DAY

Posted by Jeff at 07:52 AM | Comments (9)

CLASSMATES JIHAD™

In the late 90s, Afghanistan was the destination for young ambitious Islamonutters from godforsaken hellholes all over the world. Where else could you have so much fun stoning defenseless women, doing the Benihana on your ethnic rivals, & squashing sodomites like pillbugs? Then George Bush & his gang of neocon war criminals spoiled the party. If you're a displaced jihadi wondering what happened to one of the other 50,000 Mohammads you used to party with, look no further.  (H / t Beth)

Posted by Jeff at 07:51 AM | Comments (1)

R.I.P. HARRY CONNICK JR.

Posted by Jeff at 07:50 AM | Comments (3)

April 05, 2006

THE MOLLY IVINS CORRESPONDENCE COURSE FOR PROFESSIONAL OPINIONATION

How-DEE! I'm Molly Ivins, a professional reporter whose crack opinion pieces are skimmed by near bout hunnerds of people in Austin, as well as a few goomers over in France. I'm a good ole gal who's had real journalism classes in big ole buildings, which means I'm certified tomy pie hole bout anything.

Like reporters: "All newspaper columnists work maybe two hours a day & spend the rest of their time drinking martinis." Trust me (hic). But now we got too many ignert peeps shouting out who ain't qualified, like the nitwit writing this blog, which  is why I said "no one should be allowed to write opinion without spending years as a reporter."

In the Molly Ivins Correspondence Course for Professional Opinionation, you'll learn how to suck ass if you write something that's spookily similar to what someone else wrote. Folks, it happens. In fact, it keeps happening to me. Even worse: if you're gonna plagiarize the Washington Post, make sure the gosh darn rag has its info right, or you'll look a dose of double stupid.

You'll learn how to eat crow when the statistics you pulled out of your ass are off by a few zeros. And you'll find out how to call it a 'hopeful development' for the media when the Communication Workers of America & one of its subsidiary unions, the Newspaper Guild, bid to buy 12 corporate newspapers — without adding it's a hopeful development because 99% of CWA PAC money goes to Democrats. How-DEE!

See also Famous Plagiarists: Molly Ivins; Martinis 101

Posted by Jeff at 12:19 AM | Comments (5)

IT'S A MIRACLE: COLD + WATER = ICE

Posted by Jeff at 12:18 AM | Comments (4)

YOUR DAILY SHAKIRA

"It’s not my hobby to show my belly! The moves I do when I perform require it." — Pathologically shy pop tart Shakira, explaining why she's practically naked in her videos (at least the post-Tommy Mottola ones). The same excuse could be used by a sumo wrestler. trapeze artist, or common street whore.

Posted by Jeff at 12:10 AM | Comments (1)

BEAUTIFUL ATROCITIES HOT SITE OF THE DAY

Everything - & I mean everything - you never wanted to know about Star Jones & Al Whozzit can be found at Star&Al.com:

Al: "Everything about our relationship has been steeped in romance. On our first date, I presented Star with a CD of songs all with star in the title. Star planned a romantic surprise trip to Paris for the weekend & I covered Star's living room floor with a trail of roses that began in the shape of a heart."

Star: "Al likes to surprise me & take me dancing to little out of the way clubs as well as huge over-the-top nightclubs. As long as I'm dancing in his arms, we could be on a deserted island."

Posted by Jeff at 12:04 AM | Comments (3)

April 04, 2006

ANOTHER GOOD REASON TO AVOID V FOR VENDETTA

Posted by Jeff at 12:41 PM | Comments (6)

A MIND IS A TERRIBLE THING TO BLEACH

 

"us people have the responsibility & the obligation to demand to our leaders to give us the pacifist solutions." — important intellectual shakira

How bad did Shakira's new English CD suck? So bad the tacky cover looked like a Lita Ford outtake from the Eighties. So bad the lead single, Don't Bother, flatlined without cracking the Top 40, leaving Sony to scramble for a follow-up. Problem was, the rest of the songs sucked ass too. So just 4 months after its release, Sony 'repackaged' the CD, adding the new, relentlessly promoted single Hips Don't Lie.

Shakira is eating crow so bad she's gone back to brunette & even appeared on American Idol, a departure from that show's usual one-foot-in-the-grave guest star policy. Beautiful Atrocities thinks the malapert miss had it coming. Before Sony's Tommy Mottola got his hooks in her, she was a hippie folk-rocker known as the Alanis Morissette of Latin America, an original talent even if she did sound like a goat.

So her fans cried foul over Shakira's Britneyfication for her 2002 English debut in which she ditched her hippie roots & emerged as a zirconium blonde writhing like an escapee from an Ottoman harem. She recited vacuous drivel about world peace. A slew of anti-Shakira groups popped up. You'd think in the 4 years since then, the Diva could have come up with a decent follow-up, but everyone knows peroxide causes more brain damage than Ecstasy.

Posted by Jeff at 12:21 AM | Comments (10)

BEAUTIFUL ATROCITIES HOT SITE OF THE DAY

Posted by Jeff at 12:13 AM | Comments (4)

April 03, 2006

PLAY BALL!

Barry Zito of the Oakland A's, who still rocks even though he sucked ass last season &  dresses like a refugee.ng day: A's vs Yankees tonite, Oakland Coliseum, 7:30. (P.S. Yankees blow)

UPDATE: Steinbrenner mercenaries rock Oakland, 15-2. Zito, you bum!

Posted by Jeff at 06:35 PM | Comments (4)

THE BIG BLEG

For 2 years now, BA has been offering up sledgehammer wit, leaden humor, & just poor taste, absolutely free. However, we're in a moment of transition - I hate transition - & times are precarious tight, so if the spirit moves you, you can express your gratitude by hitting the button below hard. Thanx, Jeff

Posted by Jeff at 06:34 PM | Comments (7)

OKAY, NOW THEY'RE GOING TOO FAR

Australian-born Sheik Faiz Mohammad of Global Islamic Youth Centre in Liverpool has denounced Days of our Lives, because it shows "premarital sex is fashionable, that manipulation, deceit, cheating, lying, falsehood are all essential ways to get the man or lady of your dreams." A fatwa on Sami Brady!

Posted by Jeff at 05:04 PM | Comments (3)

SOMETHING BORROWED, SOMETHING NUDE...

Posted by Jeff at 05:03 PM | Comments (1)

ON A CLEAR DAY YOU CAN SMELL THE OFFAL

In addition to not having a Macy's charge card, only owning 6 pairs of shoes, & never downloading a single Madonna song,  I'm also a complete failure as a homo due to my allergy to musicals. I break out in hives over Sondheim. CATS gives me impetigo. Liza makes me deathly ill.

However, I may at last get my Homo Card™ now that I've sunk to movie memorabilia. That's right, I'm now $100 poorer & the proud owner of a sheet from the first draft of Yentl. That's the film Barbra Streisand wrote, directed, & starred in, aka the one where she kisses Amy Irving - barf - while portraying a studious young Jewess, Yentlette, who impersonates a man, Yentl, so she can see Mandy Patinkin naked in a yeshiva. Or something like that. Behold:

See also Barbra Streisand Still Hasn't Found the Spell Check; Who's the Bigger Fag Hag?

Posted by Jeff at 12:22 AM | Comments (16)

WARNING: DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME

Chaiya Chaiya is a foot-stomping song & dance number from a Bollywood musical performed entirely on top of a moving train. Awesome. This is not your mother's CGI shit either, this is the real thing. No word on how many dancers were killed in the process of getting it in the can: Chaiya Chaiya.

Posted by Jeff at 12:05 AM | Comments (3)

April 02, 2006

IN THE TRENCHES

"This was our living quarters at the base in Hit (in Iraq). As you can see, it wasn't all that comfortable, especially with no A/C." — James McCauley, USMC

Posted by Jeff at 12:12 AM | Comments (5)

THUG OF THE DAY: HUGO CHAVEZ, FIDEL'S REVENGE

Posted by Jeff at 12:09 AM | Comments (1)

April 01, 2006

MOHAMMED: THE WHITEWASH

Fresh from his Kingdom of Heaven flop, Ridley Scott now reported to be planning a Mohammed biopic.  According to Joe Noory, the movie will be a musical with songs by Elton John & Seal, & it will be "respectful". Give me a fucking break. Heaven was a farrago of historical nonsense about how swell the Muslims were. I can't wait to see this whitewash.

And they're considering Leonard diCaprio for the lead?? Please. He didn't even sing in that Romeo + Juliet crap! And check it out: Dakota Fanning will play 6-year-old wife Aisha, but their love scenes will be "sensitive". Well I guess so!

Posted by Jeff at 05:14 PM | Comments (6)

PISS OFF BACK TO TURKEY RIDGE

Dear South Dakota,

I'm outraged by your decision to dispose of the sacred right of abortion. I'm also shocked to see this handled by mere elected officials rather than imperial judicial fiat, & am therefore joining the boycott of your state.

Like so many Americans, my family makes an annual pilgrimage to enjoy the wonder & splendor of South Dakota, but no more. You've lost the income from me, my wife, & our 2 children. It would be 5 children, but we flushed the other 3, as is our right.

So this year we will not be visiting the Bison-tennial Dutch Oven Cook-off, the Fort Hays Chuckwagon Supper Show, Gulches of Fun Amusement Park, the Corn Palace Festival, the Flintstones Bedrock City Theme Park & Camp Ground, the Black Hills Reptile Gardens, or the Petrified Wood Museum & Gift Shoppe in scenic Lemmon, nor will we be spending any of our dollars at the Consignment Mall in Sioux Falls. Oh. No.

Talk to the hand,
Jeff

Posted by Jeff at 10:16 AM | Comments (9)

BEAUTIFUL ATROCITIES HOT SITE OF THE DAY

Posted by Jeff at 10:14 AM | Comments (3)