February 17, 2006
A MESSAGE FROM THE BIG O®
Recently, I was doing my
shtick when 3 terrible words
popped up on the teleprompter: I. WAS. WRONG. I fired 10 people &
kneecapped Dr. Phil before they tranquilized me with a BBQ pork sandwich & sent my
galpal Gayle to tell me it was kinda sorta true.
I should have stuck with Dead Writers Who Don't Talk Back. After that one turd suggested having the Big O® on his book was tacky, like it wasn't a sacred honor to sit beside Wally Lamb & Maya Angelou! W. T. F.
I knew James Frey's A Million Little Pizzas was a Big O® right away, I read it in one 12-hour session on the Stairmaster. Just gimme a juicy account of someone's unimaginably horrific childhood & a Philly cheesesteak: HURTS. SO. GOOD.
But Frey lied to the Big O®! OH. MY. GOD. I am, like, the richest most heinous bitch in the universe, no one so much as crosses their legs in my presence (which is probably why you hear so little about my galpal Gayle).
Verily I say unto you, anyone who hires, helps, assists, befriends,
takes pity on, & / or shags James Frey, I
will fictionalize you, your family, your friends, & all your
relatives. You will never eat Arby's in this town again, because I
am: THE. BIG. O®.
If you had a really appalling childhood involving scaldings, torture, psychic genocide, ooky sexual thingys, or miscellaneous trauma, please contact the Big O® right away!
See also Bruce Willis vs the Big O®; I Hate the Big O®
Posted by Jeff at February 17, 2006 10:15 PM
Comments
Good gawd that's disturbing. Oprah is beginning to resemble Nancy Grace.
Only, ya know...fat.
Posted by: agent bedhead at February 17, 2006 10:23 PM
A commenter on your Ace link refers to this sort of antagonistic, pissed-off Oprah stuff as "issuing an Opratwa". Pretty funny.
Posted by: Feisty at February 18, 2006 08:34 AM
I imagine Oprah & Nancy Grace share the same size girdle, at times
Posted by: beautifulatrocities at February 18, 2006 08:50 AM
Quote:
"ooky sexual thingys"
Um. . .that would be half the freakin' population, yes?
Oh. Just me again, eh?
Posted by: Margi at February 18, 2006 09:30 AM
I wound up faced with three comments, so in order to save space and not pretend I'm just responding to other commenters over the course of time, here they are:
1. I like Nancy Grace's juristic jihads.
2. The Big "O", I thought that was O'Reilly (or his unfortunately detailed reported interaction with subordinate coworkers)
3. I think Oprah is the Wizard of Google -it's where the search giant gets its tangental fascist tendencies.
Posted by: Martin at Blogbat at February 18, 2006 10:40 AM
My childhood met all those requirements, but the fact that I am a white girl and come from a wealthy family wasn't acceptable, so O passed me by.
Posted by: Rae at February 18, 2006 06:50 PM