January 03, 2006
THE FEISTY WHORE INTERVIEW
Feisty is a 26yo working girl, blogger, & proud Republican, altho she hails from a blue state family & would never do Pat Robertson. She's a smart girl who relates the Iraqi elections to pimps n hos, & a not-so-smart girl who gets clobbered on cheap Norwegian piss. Herewith is the Feisty interview:
Beautiful Atrocities: Were you locked in a cupboard as a child?
Feisty: No, darling. For me to be locked in the cupboard, my mom or dad would've had to have been conscious or home.
BA: Do you pack heat?
Feisty: Nope. Unless you are referring to those microwaveable dildos.
BA: No. Tell me about working girls.
Feisty: The vast majority are butt-frickin'-ugly due to drugs & alcohol. If you have any amount of attractiveness & aren't diseased, you're instantly mid or high-class. There's also a new breed of hookers which are like middle class teenagers who work the malls to get clothes & high class stuff. Kinda sad.
BA: Any role models?
Feisty: Mary Carey. [porno actress / Republican who ran against Arnold in California recall on platform to legalize ferrets, tax breast implants, & wire Governor's mansion with live web-cams]
BA: Do you think Hustle & Flow is an accurate view of the profession?
Feisty: I haven't seen that. Based on the description, it appears the pimp has 'aspirations', which is totally false. I ain't never seen a pimp with aspirations.
BA: Let's talk about
back-door action.
Feisty: Back door only occurs for a premium fee. People sometimes are rough & it's hard to pull that off without seething pain unless you're super turned-on. [Ed: I know] So it's rare, although not unheard of. For rhoids, you can mix an amalgam of lidocaine topical anesthetic with Vaseline.
BA:. Unusual thing you keep in the fridge?
Feisty: If some shady people I don't know (like my pimp's boyz or something) are coming over sometimes I'll stash my jewelry in the freezer under the frozen broccoli.
BA: Kevin Federline or Justin Timberlake?
Feisty: They're both kinda scuzzy, but I'm going Timberlake
BA: How do you deal with really fugsly customers?
Feisty: 1) Gork oneself out on drugs or alcohol 2) Think about your next blog article to pass the time. I've actually doinked fugly-ass phreaks while thinking of Kelo. 3) Get really over-the-top dirty & hope he cums early!
BA: Do you consider yourself an entrepreneur?
Feisty: Most certainly. There is a lot of competition - wives, girlfriends, other whores, escorts - & I try to stand out by having a brain in addition to a smokin' hot body. People with crappy business skills (i.e. blowing all revenues on blow or failing to show up on time ) will just end up in jail or working at Wendy's...i.e. out of business.
BA: Worst part of your job? Best?
Feisty: The worst part is the constant low-grade fear of getting killed or harmed. Best part is getting to go to places & concerts I wouldn't be able to go otherwise.
BA: Do you think Guy cheats on Madonna?
Feisty: I actually think they're faithful. Could anyone else put up with that kabbalah blabber and lack of TV?
BA: Is it true that 99% of prostitutes are lesbians?
Feisty: Most are abused / confused individuals who are just looking for drug or Prada money, so I suppose most are bi or just 'whatever, I need a fix', if that's an orientation.
BA:
Let's talk politics. How do you think Colonel Gaddafi would be in the sack?
Feisty: Libya's Hugh Hefner is all about the XXX group action after camel cruisin' for chicks in those fly silk desert pimpthreads. Unfortunately, my clients at the CIA told me that as a result of all those Desert Hos, his junk was the inspiration behind Libya's top secret Treponema Pallidum WMD Program. BYOP!
BA: Sean Hannity?
Feisty: No BJs & no anal EVER. Stuck in a loop of makeout, mish, & guilt. Makes up for it with some old fashioned romance, but still, the women tire & move on after they realize the loop is, in fact, a loop.
BA: Donald Rumsfeld?
Feisty: Don Juan Rumsfeld has been known to never sit down for an entire day's work. I think he'd have tremendous stamina & wouldn't go for any of that lazy missionary BS. Any position where the man stands....he's a master. Helllooooooo sex swing!
BA: Ted Kennedy?
Feisty: Teddy's a fat, sloppy drunk, all about minimal effort then rolling over & falling asleep. Make sure you have Teddy's bottle of Valium at bedside to quell those early-morning DTs, otherwise, you'll have to haul his ass into the ER where the staff'll have to use one of those special lifts to drop him on a gurney & tie him in 4-point restraints.
BA: Dominique de Villepin?
Feisty: Mmmm, je veux que vous me foutiez, Dominique. Maintenant! While I want to get all wet with him on the cold subway station concrete, I'll totally get turned off by his penchant for those whitie tighties which, & I quote, "Remind [him] of [his] country's national drapeau."
BA: Al Gore?
Feisty: Al Gore thinks he's the hottest frickin' porn star ever to enter the bedroom when he's, in actuality, the equivalent to the pimply fluffer in some B gay porn movie. After a couple of rail rum & Diet Cokes (even his drink is boring!), he brags to his buddies Yeah, she wasn't so sure about making the sweet love until she saw my 18-inch Pantsmonster!
BA: Al Franken?
Feisty: Totally self-centered. Totally not offering any oral. Watched that scene in American Psycho where the guy's doing that chick while looking in the mirror & thought, What's so bad about that? He just thinks about how hot he looks naked & goes on forever until the chick is forced to say, Are you done yet? It's time for me to GO!
Posted by Jeff at January 3, 2006 12:34 AM
Comments
Whaddaya mean "[Ed: I know]"??
Posted by: EssEm at January 3, 2006 08:09 AM
"Back door only occurs for a premium fee. People sometimes are rough & it's hard to pull that off without seething pain unless you're super turned-on. [Ed: I know] So it's rare, although not unheard of. For rhoids, you can mix an amalgam of lidocaine topical anesthetic with Vaseline."
Seething pain? Sorry, Jeff. I'll admit it. That's the part of the gay lifestyle I just don't understand.
Posted by: John at January 3, 2006 08:23 AM
You got that right, John. Even my annual digital rectal exam (tip: get a doctor with small fingers) is almost unbearably uncomfortable. Getting slammed with a horse cock is beyond my comprehension. All I can say is gay dudes and backdoor babes are made of sterner stuff than me. It must be an acquired taste. The only woman I've ever known who liked it, liked it because of the pain.
Posted by: Mystery Meat at January 3, 2006 09:47 AM
Jenna Jameson would beg to differ
Posted by: beautifulatrocities at January 3, 2006 09:53 AM
As you failed to ascertain, oh commenters, is that it's not painful nor displeasing if you're previously turned on and are feelin' the zen of the lube. It's actually quite HOT. But if I'm just going through the motions or putting on a show, it hurts like a bizatch and no thanks, so that's why most run-of-the-mill clients are denied backstage passes.
If it hurts, it's 'abandon ship' all the way though.
Posted by: Feisty at January 3, 2006 03:31 PM
Now that I've recovered from my earlier shock [ ;-) ], I can offer my appreciation for the part about Villepin's whities reminding him of his "national drapeau". Nicely done, BA. Even in the midst of depraved and whorish dialogue, the elegance of the rapier shines through. In fact, this is a very funny piece! Not that that's unusual here.
As to the straight boys' reaction to backdoor love, I can sympathize. For some "gay dudes", it's a natural pleasure they take to pretty quickly; for others, it's more like getting to appreciate the finer points of single-malt liquor or Szechuan chilis in your cuisine. And for some, it just doesn't juice up their lights. Part of this is physiology and part of it is psychology. But when it works, it works amazingly. Seems God knew what he was doing when he located the prostate gland where he did. Is this TMI?
Posted by: EssEm at January 3, 2006 03:45 PM
Using "lidocaine topical anesthetic with Vaseline" doesn't make my ass feel better, and it tastes terrible.
Posted by: Mystery Meat at January 3, 2006 04:07 PM
Goodness, that reminds me of the time one of my girlfriends and I went to France, she ended up in the ER, and they gave her a prescription for a med delivered via suppository (Europe likes suppositories for some reason--ergh) and she swallowed it after declaring, "My, the pills in France are bigger than in the US."
Silly, silly French.
Posted by: Feisty at January 3, 2006 05:33 PM
lol i don't think i believe that story
Posted by: beautifulatrocities at January 3, 2006 07:38 PM
In 1998, I went to France and it was absolutely true. Also on that trip, the World Cup was being held in a couple of weeks, and some Italians perched atop a bridge over the Seine waved an Italian flag at our tour boat and wanted us to support Italy by cheering back. As we are American, we did not, and they pissed off the bridge on our heads.
Posted by: Feisty at January 3, 2006 09:17 PM
I just can't figure out which of you is the bigger whore?? lol At least I know you're real, Jeff. Do people really still have to pay for it in this day and age?? Prolly so.
Posted by: Dan at January 4, 2006 08:49 AM
Well I certainly don't pay for it
Posted by: beautifulatrocities at January 4, 2006 09:06 AM
Well I certainly don't pay for it
On second thought, we always pay for it one way or another in the end, don't we?? LOL
What was that book - geesh it's been decades, a call girl wrote it? Chit, gonna have to look it up. It pre-dated the Mayflower madam stuff by years - maybe the first contemporary hooker tell all. You should do a riff about call girl commercialization over the last 60 years, if not further back. Didn't you link a photo album a year or so ago - polish or something, incredible photos of ladies of the evening of the day circa the early 1900's perhaps?
Just look at how far we've cum. ; )
Posted by: Dan at January 4, 2006 09:29 AM
Seething pain? Sorry, Jeff. I'll admit it. That's the part of the gay lifestyle I just don't understand.
I will simply refer you to the artist Juliet and the lyrics of her 2005 song.
Repeat and rewind
I'm not going there this time
If I could make a plan
I wouldn't go there again
Hold it up, let it out
Life won't ever stop it's time
Give it up, fight it out
Leave the white flag behind
Ride the pain into the pleasure
(Pain, pleasure)
Don't stop now with the pressure
(Pleasure, pain)
Can't explain with an answer
(Pain, pleasure)
Ride the pain into the pleasure
(Pleasure, pain)
Posted by: Patrick at January 4, 2006 11:20 AM
Well, I've had spirited discussions with women who are a good deal older than I am and liked it--and I'm not above a little, um, playful fun-- but I've never really been too interested. After all, I don't have a prostate gland.
And rear-penetration in the conventional orifice is painful enough. There is NO WAY to control the action to make it hurt less.
Excuse me: I need to go and either 1) weld my knees together, or 2) repeat, over and over, "I'm married," and click my heels.
Posted by: Attila Girl at January 4, 2006 05:38 PM