« December 2005 | Main | February 2006 »
January 31, 2006
CARTEL IS SUCH AN UGLY WORD — LET'S JUST CALL IT A TEXAS TEA PARTY
Posted by Jeff at 12:19 PM | Comments (2)
WHY I LOVE THE ANGRY LEFT
Today's mood at Cindy for Senate:
"This Democratic Party has betrayed us again! Almost half of them voted to end the filibuster. [Which had no chance of success.] If you are like me you cried your eyes out last night & screamed yourself hoarse. They are Vichy Democrats. It is pathetic! They are spitting in our face. It is time for a third party! If that nut Ross Perot could do it so can we. I'm screaming at my PC right now! What next!"
UPDATE: Beautiful Atrocities suspects / sincerely hopes the Cindy for Senate site is a spoof.
Posted by Jeff at 07:18 AM | Comments (10)
LIFE IN THE LAND OF THE MULLAHS
Compare these women with this woman. What's with the Count Dracula thing? More great photos of Iran at Mansour Nasiri's Photoblog. (Archives do not work in FFox).
Posted by Jeff at 07:17 AM | Comments (1)
WHILE YOU SLEPT SOUNDLY
© stephen lopinto
From Spc. Stephen LoPinto's gallery 13 Months in Iraq.
Posted by Jeff at 07:10 AM | Comments (9)
January 30, 2006
SHIRLEY Q. LIQUOR ON HOMOSEXICALS
For the full Shirley Q. Liquor experience, go here. Via Gun Grrrl
Posted by Jeff at 07:36 AM | Comments (11)
BOO FUCKING HOO PT. 2
Wussy of the Week: Richard Dicker (guffaw) of that august body, Human Rights Watch, whose panties are in a wad over the tough new judge presiding over the trial of mass-murdering scumbag Saddam Hussein:
"The events take us further away from the basic practices of fairness that are necessary in any trial & especially in a trial of this significance."
Runner-up: Saddam Hussein, outraged that the judge threatened to have him thrown out if he didn't shut the fuck up:
"For 35 years I led you, & you say, 'Eject him?'"
However, Beautiful Atrocities agrees with nutcase defense lawyer Ramsey Clark: the whole trial is a farce. They should just take him out back & shoot him.
Posted by Jeff at 07:29 AM | Comments (6)
BOO FUCKING HOO PT. 1
Posted by Jeff at 07:15 AM | Comments (4)
January 29, 2006
CITIZEN SUPERSTAR
Globetrotting citizen / superstar Cindy Sheehan says
she'll run for Senate against Dianne Feinstein if the bitch
doesn't toe the line & call the troops home yesterday! Apparently that Idiotarian of the Year award went straight to her head. Cindy's already
got DiFi jumping around like a trained seal: when she threatened
to run if Di didn't support a filibluster, Di immediately
fell in line. You go, girl!
In
between bullying senators &
slipping the tongue to Hugo Chavez, Cindy
posted her latest
scribbles at Huff Post about ‘matriots’, which is not a kind of marsupial
but patriots with ovaries. Cindy's screed - which includes the words
sputum, nefariously, matriotic, & spit - makes a stunning point:
"There is one universal truth that no one can dispute no matter how hard they try: Everyone has a mother!"
Sadly, not everyone has shizzle.
While
millions of women may be running to their hairdressers barking "Gimme the
Cindy!" (aka Pageboys for Peace), below the
neck Cindy still looks like the
mange. She doesn't even have a signature look, an absolute
necessity if you're going to be a citizen / Senator / superstar.
BONUS: NSA wiretap of Cindy Sheehan phoning Janaene Garofalo from Venezuela
See also Cindy Sheehan: I'm Still Here, Dammit!; Amor Latino!; Cindy Cymmetry; President Cindy
UPDATE: Click for Cindy!
Posted by Jeff at 12:10 AM | Comments (31)
January 28, 2006
DID YOU HEAR THE ONE ABOUT THE BLONDE CHEERLEADER?
Posted by Jeff at 10:05 PM | Comments (3)
BETTY BUTTERFIELD VISITS THE UNITED CHURCH OF CHRIST
Also, Betty does Methodists. For more of the World According to Betty Butterfield, go here. Absorbent underwear recommended.
Posted by Jeff at 08:23 AM | Comments (9)
January 27, 2006
FAIR & BALANCED & HAZARDOUS TO YOUR HEALTH
Before you get excited about this, you might want to read this. As Gaddafi Jr. says, "It is the right of a journalist to write what he wants but it also the state's right to question journalists."
Also, these people might want to check with these people about working conditions in the People's Paradise. Advice: pack for an extended tour...
Posted by Jeff at 12:38 PM | Comments (0)
YOU MIGHT WANT TO FACT-CHECK THIS ONE TOO, OPRAH
Posted by Jeff at 12:32 PM | Comments (2)
January 26, 2006
JAAAAAAAACK! I MEAN JAAAAAAAKE!!!!!
Shhhh: just between you & me, I didn't find Brokeback Mountain very involving. I'm a huge Annie Proulx fan, whose dense, gritty novels are the literary equivalent of Diane Arbus' gallery of American grifters, losers, drifters, & misfits. There's something false in turning this oblique, dour story of outsiders into a vehicle for two Hollywood pinups.
Proulx on Gyllenhaal's Jack Twist: "The Jack that I saw was jumpier, homely." (The story mentions buck teeth & paunch.) But people wouldn't be talking about it if it starred two unattractive character actors. For some, however, the story of Jack Twist is a transformative experience comparable to that of Jack Dawson. Messages from the Jake Gyllenhaal Yahoo Group (aka Gyllenhaalics):
"Today I broke my old record of the movie I have seen the most, Titanic was up there with 7 times. BBM broke that record, I have now seen it 8 times & I still can't get enough. I want to keep on going & going."
"I went back today for the 5th time. It was just as good as the first."
"My name is maria i have seen the moive 3 time so far i can't stop myself i find myself going on my lunch break to watch i miss about 30min of it only which is ok because i would rather have something then nothing i don't what this movie has done to me but it has changed my life."
Susan: "I can't help it! Two guys together is just sexy to me." [see fag hag]
"As a 26yo straight man, I'm not surprised this film touched me. But why am I, 4 days after seeing the film, so utterly sad? I'm experiencing a palpable grief like no other in my life. I do not like this feeling & wish that I could dismiss it. Any suggestions?" [ED: try here]
"4 times in 2 weeks, i need help. I can't stop seeing this movie."
"i thought i was the only one losing it after seeing this movie. Couldn't sleep for days after ...& have seen it 4 times in 2 weeks as well."
"What i find puzzling are the handful of people who I've seen it with (during my 4 trips) who didn't really 'get it'... & don't seem AS affected by it. Maybe they're just better at hiding it." [Ed: that's probably it]
"Prepare thyself for the final scene. I have seen the film 3 times & each time this scene has left me totally devastated! It helps that Jack is a looker."
"The Arclight in Hollywood has their clothes on display. I stood until people started looking at me funny. I stood & looked. Then the show let out, see this wasn't my first or second time to see it & I've figured where I can slip out & keep my sainty [sic]. So here I am, looking at the shirts and the jacket & beginning to feel a little self conscious (I'm a straight woman in 50s)"
Sergio: "I have seen it 12 times...now I think that is crazy...."
"My goodness, I haven't even seen the darn movie yet & I am transformed just from what y'all write in here. Man! My heart has always gone out to the gay community & as a Christian woman that has been a HUGE issue of debate in my church Didn't Jesus teach us to love one another? Peace all, Terra Beara (oh by the way my gay friend gave me that nick name)"
"I love the movie seen it 5 times since it came out & everytime i cry like a wreck"
"I've been a basket case since seeing the movie last Sunday. I start to cry while sitting in front of my computer at work. What's wrong with me. I loved the movie more than any I've ever seen, yet at the same time it has made me miserable. I want it to stop. I have my own life to get back to. But I know I'll be out there seeing it again on Friday. What is the matter with me?" [See here]
Andrew: "I was obsessed too, i already am planning to see it like 3 more times."
"Thank you! I am not alone! I also saw BBM 4 times in 2 weeks. It was as if BBM took ahold in my body & wouldn't let go of me. My fourth time I still loved it. I've become a teenager again! I am woman 35, single, with no children living in Denmark. And all I can think of is Jake Gyllenhaal. I have used a lot of money to buy magazines where he is in I've spend too much time searching for stuff & pictures about him. I hope this will pass soon." [Ed: try getting a goldfish]
Lisa: "My husband's birthday is next week, so we are making BBM part of his birthday night out. A new box of tissues is on my shopping list for Saturday."
Christine: "The magic of it all / the blue eyes / the dark, spiky hair./ The silly laugh / & the mole./ The absurdity of / my Obsession with you / is not lost on me."
"Ever since the first viewing something has overpowered me & I just can't get over it! Jake...what have you done to me?!! I have spent every waking moment searching for everything Jake, Heath, & BBM on the internet. I went back to see the movie again & am planning my 3rd, 4th, 5th trips!! The second time I sat between 2 women I had never met & we all shared tissue!! [Ewww!] This movie will go down as a life-changing experience for me, as I'm sure it will for many others."
Posted by Jeff at 12:27 PM | Comments (46)
January 24, 2006
DOES THAT MEAN I CAN'T CALL ROSIE A CLAM BUMPER?
Posted by Jeff at 12:59 PM | Comments (21)
HELLO, MRS. GALLOWAY, MY NAME IS VALERIE PLAME & I'VE BEEN SHAGGING GEORGE'S BRAINS OUT
From Wikipedia:
"In 2000, Galloway married a Palestinian biologist. Five years later she announced that she would be filing for divorce, alleging that Galloway had been unfaithful throughout their marriage. She said she had received a number of phone calls from women who claim to have had romantic links with him, but that Galloway had told her it was a plot by an unnamed intelligence service to discredit him."
Posted by Jeff at 07:40 AM | Comments (8)
January 23, 2006
NOT TO MENTION YOU END UP WITH AN EXTRA PERSON
"I'm scared about it changing your life. I can pick up & go anywhere now. And then there's the pain involved." — Baseball wife / aspiring TV personality Michelle Mangan - who's not a former stripper - on Johnny Damon's plans to 'knock her up'
Via Maria
Posted by Jeff at 06:11 PM | Comments (7)
STILL SEARCHING FOR HUMOR IN THE MUSLIM WORLD...
I mean, if you can't laugh at this, you've got a problem. And that red leotard is really getting to me. Grrrrr! But will Galloway be the next celebrity KO'd? Video: the Lady in Red!
See also Let's Hear it for the Leotard
Posted by Jeff at 07:36 AM | Comments (11)
WARNING: NOT SUITABLE FOR CHILDREN
Dear Cyber Patrol,
I see you've
flagged my site as Hate Speech, probably because of
my
thing about Ashlee Simpson. While I have not called for
physical
violence against Miss Simpson,
I did say she sucks ass. I also
hate &
despise her, her
sister, her father, & all her relatives. Get over it.
It's possible you flagged me because of my thing about Islam. Please note I don't hate all Muslims, just the ones who hang rape victims & stone gays & fly airplanes into the sides of buildings & blow themselves up in supermarkets & restaurants & police stations, as well as the vast & teeming hordes whose inscrutable silence tolls like a dirge for the sleep of reason & who dwell like medieval pilgrims in this modern world.
Also, I write satire, which isn't supposed to be very nice. If you want nice satire, try Doonesbury or Jesus' General. In the meantime, here are some more sites you might want to flag as hate speech:
Jennifer Lopez Haters Club
Blooming Idiot: Orlando Bloom Hate Site
Emma Watson Sucks
Emerald Bile (hates everyone)
How Much Do YOU Hate Hilary Duff?
Rosie.com - really baaaaaaad poetry
Why I Hate Whole Foods
Barbra Streisand.com - atrociously written screeds devoid of syntax & spell-check
Your friend,
Jeff
See also Human Rights Sites Blocked by Web Censors; How to Disable Your Blocking Software
Posted by Jeff at 12:16 AM | Comments (9)
January 22, 2006
BASS FISHING WITH BAI LING
Posted by Jeff at 07:38 PM | Comments (2)
BUTTWATCH
Millions
of Muslim maidens mourned when 20yo cricket sensation Salman Butt, Pakistan's
most eligible bachelor,
announced his engagement. His betrothed, Maira Rahim — besides
being the most hated woman in Pakistan — is a tennis player & sister to Pakistan national tennis
champion Mariam Rahim.
Unlike India's Muslim tennis star Mirza Sania, 18, who faced down a fatwa for playing in skirts & sleeveless shirts, women in Pakistan are forced to compete while dressed like Victorian maidens, blocking them from international play. Mariam Rahim:
"We don't have any choice. I wear shalwar kameez [loose-fitting long shirt & trousers]. It is also a very difficult crowd here. If you want quality, then these things should change."
No shotgun wedding this, the Butt nuptials will not take place until after the current cricket season ends Feb. 19. BA wishes the couple many happy Butts.
See also Shalwar Kameez Spring Collection; Profiles in Courage: Salman Butt
UPDATE: Butt falls
Posted by Jeff at 07:37 PM | Comments (2)
January 18, 2006
STUPID WOMEN, STUPID CHOICES
Orly Weinerman, an Israeli TV actress, has been meeting Colonel Gaddafi spawn Seif Gaddafi in Italian love trysts so torrid she's said to be thinking of marriage & converting to Islam. A Libya / Israel wedding would be complicated by the fact Libya does not recognize Israel, & the Colonel has been known to say things like Israel is nothing but a mirage, something that does not exist (something Seif says about the Libyan opposition).
It's possible Orly was charmed by Seif's artistic sensitivities, as he's been touring the world with his exhibition The Desert is Not Silent, of which the Globe & Mail noted "ever since Nero, there has been a depressing connection between bad art & megalomaniac regimes." Or perhaps Orly was spellbound by Seif's oratory: "I'm not saying we are a democratic state 100%. But we have made Libya a model for the Middle East."
(Libya ranked last in the Economist index of political freedoms in the Mideast.)
Seif was previously known for entertaining a series of blondes in his
Vienna bachelor digs, also home to his 2 Bengal tigers.
His brother, delusional soccer wannabe Saadi Gaddafi,
unsuccessfully romanced Nicole Kidman, & along with lady-killer Uday
Hannibal Gaddafi, was
the toast of the Venice Film Festival, where the two gangsters
charmed Enrique Iglesias squeeze Anna Kournikova.
See also 10 Stupid Things Women Do to Mess Up Their Lives; Not Without My Daughter; 7 Habits of Highly Annoying Women
Posted by Jeff at 04:07 PM | Comments (17)
January 16, 2006
THE TRAGEDY OF ALZHEIMER'S
Posted by Jeff at 04:27 PM | Comments (21)
January 13, 2006
2006 HAJJ-O-METER™
In the running tally for this year's Mecca human stampede
invitational,
345 pilgrims were killed in the annual Trampling of the Faithful
obstacle course, a disappointing showing by organizers who'd
hoped to exceed 1990's all-time record of 1426 fatalities, but
still better than 2004's lackluster 244.
Saudi authorities reacted with deep boredom. "This was fate destined by God," sighed the aptly named Maj. Gen. Mansour al-Turki. "It cannot stop what God has preordained," added Crown Prince Sultan Bin Abdel Blah Blah. [actual quotes]
The seasonal E-ticket massacre takes place during something called the stoning of the devil ritual, about which it's best not to inquire. Originally, it was a camel knock-off of Pamplona's running of the bulls, but after nude PETA protests, was changed to a cruelty-free Muslim faithful Thunderdome.
A required pilgrimage for every able-bodied Muslim, the hajj amounts to a mandated Saudi tourist trap / vacation hell. In America, it would be like every citizen forced to visit Tucson. This year's hajj drew over 2.5 million visitors, easily dwarfing Dollywood's Festival of Nations (Dollywood visitors, however, are not required to shave their pubes).
As a future precaution, the labyrinthine ramps, turnstiles, monorails, & log rides are being redesigned by Six Flags Over Apartheid to streamline the swarming carnage.
See also Hajj Can Be Hazardous to Your Health
Posted by Jeff at 12:04 AM | Comments (31)
January 12, 2006
I'M READY FOR MY PULITZER, MR. DEMILLE
"As Jeff of Beautiful Atrocities advised his fellow gays, 'Under Shariah, you'll really be giving head, & not in a good way' – a line so fantastic he should get a Pulitzer for it."
Posted by Jeff at 07:29 AM | Comments (29)
WORST. REMAKE. YET.
Posted by Jeff at 07:24 AM | Comments (16)
January 11, 2006
MARY JO: "UH, YOU GO AHEAD SWEETS, I'LL STAY WITH THE CAR (GAG)."
Posted by Jeff at 07:13 AM | Comments (12)
TO WHOM IT MAY CONCERN
Dear Asshat,
I see you've gone through this entire library book making notes &
jotting down your thoughts. It's nice you did it in ink, so your
wisdom is preserved for the ages. It's so easy to remember the
characters since you keep writing their names in the margin, sometimes
with garbled family trees. I especially like your essays
on theme &
conflict, which are completely idiotic & show you have no idea what the
fuck you're talking about.
I'm also staggered by your copy editing skills. Never mind the book was already edited by a professional, clearly it was just waiting for your pen to add that certain je ne sais quoi. I'm pretty sure you drive a Honda Civic, & probably have a cat. Obviously, you weren't swept away by the story, otherwise you wouldn't still be doing genealogies on page 311 & inscribing your profound drivel.
I believe it was Kafka who said, A book is an axe for the frozen sea within. Note he did not say it was a Post It for you to jot down your witless claptrap. You are an ass. Sorry, but I really like this writer, & checked out the book thinking it contained one novel, not two.
Your friend
Jeff
Posted by Jeff at 05:55 AM | Comments (12)
BECAUSE A LADY ALWAYS MAKES A GRACEFUL EXIT
Posted by Jeff at 05:54 AM | Comments (20)
THE RISE & FALL OF A SOCCER LEGEND — NOT
Saadi Gaddafi, the world's most famous non-playing soccer star,
is
leaving the game. Apparently, he's been offered a 'prestigious
government position' in Libya he can't say no to. (Saadi earlier speculated that he might be appointed - cough -
Libyan ambassador to the US.) For the benefit of those
who've been breathlessly following this drama, here is a timeline of
Saadi's career:
1969 Colonel Gaddafi takes power in coup. Spectator sports banned: "Sport is a public activity that must be practiced rather than watched."
1983 10yo Saadi begins playing soccer, senses destiny
1996 During football match between Al-Ettihad & Al-Ahli club, Saadi allegedly orders personal security guards to fire on fans who are shouting slogans against him, killing 20. Sacks Libyan soccer coach who says "He is not a useful player. He is missing 2 fundamental things: speed & endurance." Opposing players said to run backwards to avoid him.
1999 Appointed head of Libyan Football Federation. Tells BBC journalist he dreams of being Africa's number one soccer player
2002 At FIFA congress, bribes 20 clubs to reelect corrupt president Sepp Blatter
July 2003 30yo Saadi, who's never played professionally, signed by Perugia as publicity stunt by florid coach Luciano Gaucci. Later admits receiving no salary (by now worth $8 billion looted from national treasury). Hires decrepit has-been / dictator's friend Diego Maradona & disgraced sprinter Ben Johnson as coaches. Perugia's Aussie goalie advises Saadi to go home
Nov 2003 Suspended for 3 months for failing doping test. Italian commentator: "If you don't play, why dope? This is like a Hitchcock film."
May 2004 Makes first & only professional appearance as substitute against Juventus. Leads absurd bid for Libya to host 2010 World Cup.
March 2005 Visits Australia as head of Libyan Football Federation, but too busy wining & dining Nicole Kidman to play matches. Back home, doesn't make cut for World Cup qualifier. Angrily resigns as LFF president.
June 2005 Signs with Udinese. Never plays.
Jan 2006 Announces retirement. Soccer world mourns
Posted by Jeff at 05:53 AM | Comments (4)
BUT CAN THEY SWIM?
Posted by Jeff at 05:44 AM | Comments (2)
January 09, 2006
PETITION: GET RID OFF [SIC] EMMA WATSON FROM HARRY POTTER!
Sample signer:
"Emma is an extremely untalented & ugly actress. Once Harry Potter has finished she will be washed up. By the age of 20 she will be a former child star appearing on Celebrity Big Brother. Major child stars almost always end up as pathetic washed up druggies. Pity this ugly little girl. She will probably have plastic surgery by the time she turns 16. She is stupid, talentless & bitchy & many people hate her. I think she's a little whore. I know that she sleeps around because I know more than one person who she has slept with. But I'm not going to let this hatred take over my life. I'm too good for that. My life is too precious. My advice to you: sit back, relax, and watch Emma Watson go down."
Posted by Jeff at 06:33 AM | Comments (17)
LIFE IN THE ALASKAN NATIONAL WILDLIFE REFUGE: JUST FOLLOW THE TRAIL OF DEAD HIPPIES
Posted by Jeff at 06:29 AM | Comments (2)
January 08, 2006
WHILE YOU SLEPT SOUNDLY
Watching movies in Najah. Photo by Spc. Stephen LoPinto, from his gallery 13 Months in Iraq.
One of the hard things about being in the military is having no privacy. When I was in boot camp, it was 60 of us jammed together 24 / 7, for 2 months, usually being yelled at, screamed at, cussed out, or dressed down. Nights, you'd lie there listening to 60 guys mumbling in sleep, snoring, coughing, whimpering, flopping restlessly over & over.
On the final day, most of the guys caught flights for new assignments, but a few of us were staying in San Antonio. The barracks - dorms, really - where we were supposed to bunk were full, so they put us in another building that was empty. The rooms had 2 beds & 2 desks, but there were only 7 of us, so some angel put us in individual rooms. I walked into my room, closed the door, put down my duffle bag, & sat on the bed, stunned by how still & quiet everything was.
Posted by Jeff at 12:12 PM | Comments (12)
OH, JUST SIT DOWN & SHUT UP
...but what if we're angry & we're already sitting down? Do we lie down? Crouch? Stand up? I'm so confused...
Posted by Jeff at 08:54 AM | Comments (5)
January 07, 2006
BABY, SOME THINGS ARE JUST MEANT TO BE KEPT PRIVATE
From Shine: A Physical, Emotional & Spiritual Journey to Finding Love by Star Jones Reynolds:
"Baby, you are the Man," I answer.
"Thank you, baby," he says.
And I'll say, "Babe, did you make any money today?"
And he'll say, "Yeah, I think I might have made a little bit of money."
And I say, "Did you go buy your wife something? Because your wife likes pretty things."
And he'll say, "I know my wife likes pretty things. Didn't I give you that big old diamond ring?"
And I'll say, "Ooh, that was last year." [Baby]
Bonus points: "The first time he held me in his arms sexually, it was almost frightening because we knew our erotic interest in each other could take over every other thing."
Posted by Jeff at 11:29 AM | Comments (10)
WHERE'S PETA WHEN YOU REALLY NEED THEM?
Posted by Jeff at 06:45 AM | Comments (7)
January 06, 2006
IF POVERTY CAUSED TERRORISM, I WOULD HAVE TAKEN YOU ALL OUT BY NOW
Posted by Jeff at 07:56 PM | Comments (1)
I LOST MY HEAD OVER ISLAM
Dear Stupid British Homos,
I see you're having the PC vapors after
the renegade Gay & Lesbian Humanist Assn said - are you ready? - Islam
is homophobic. No. Shit. Sherlock. As a fellow homo, this
seems gratuitous, but in PC
England it's so over the top that GLHA execs resigned in disgrace & issued
groveling apologies, gay luminaries voiced concern, & something sinister called London-wide Race Hate
Crime Forum is pursuing prosecution.
Here's an excerpt of GLHA's vile filth, which actually suggested that medieval Muslim immigrants who don't send their daughters to school & think Jews perpetrated the WTC attacks don't share Western values:
"What is wrong with being fearful of Islam? (There is a lot to fear) ... What does a moderate Muslim do, other than excuse the real nutters by adhering to this barmy doctrine?"
Holy crap. An outraged gay Muslim group [sic] called the article outrageous. Excuse me, but what kind of stupid shit-eating gays apologize for a 7th Century religion whose 21st Century practice includes killing them? In this case, hatred is an appropriate response, & should be encouraged.
While you queens have been frauleining about gay marriage, homos under barmy Islam have been crushed, hung, stoned, & beheaded. I notice that 60% of British Muslims want Shariah law. Have you seen their birthrate compared to non-Muslim Brits? Maybe GLHA should start running more timely articles like Scaffold-Proof Styling Mousse & Fabulous Accessories from Neck to Toe!
George Bernard Shaw, that pacifist flaneur, said if the Nazis landed, he'd
welcome
them as tourists. New flash, sisters: the tourists are
already in the house. Under Shariah, you'll really be
giving head, & not in a good way. Then you'll be clicking your Giorgio
Brutini heels together for asylum in Kansas, but we have enough
problems without a bunch of grievance queens & speech monitors.
Besides, you'd really hate our First Amendment; it doesn't go well with yellow.
Your friend,
Jeff
See also Winston Churchill on Islam; Sad for Them, but What About My Bridal Shower?; Pandering to Islamists, Abandoning Gays; Iran's Anti-gay Pogrom
'Islamophobia' is a misnomer. A phobia describes an irrational fear, & fearing the effects of radical Islam is not irrational, but very well-founded indeed, so if you want to speak of a legitimate phobia we should speak of Islamophobia-phobia, the fear of & revulsion towards Islamophobia. — roger kimball
Posted by Jeff at 07:06 AM | Comments (64)
DEAF, DUMB, & BLONDE
Posted by Jeff at 07:05 AM | Comments (12)
WIRETAPPING FOILS US TERROR ATTACK — OH WHO CARES?
Posted by Jeff at 07:03 AM | Comments (8)
January 05, 2006
GERMANS, AMERICANS AGREE ON THREAT TO CIVILIZED WORLD
Posted by Jeff at 10:47 AM | Comments (11)
I'M SORRY MR. GADDAFI, YOU'LL HAVE TO LEAVE YOUR WMDS IN THE VIP LOUNGE
heartbreakers / statesmen / bon vivants Hannibal & Saadi Gaddafi demonstrate secret libyan handshake
Party monsters Saadi & Motassim 'Hannibal' Gaddafi, the Colonel's worthless spawn, rocked the Caribbean New Year on St. Barts with an exclusive VIP performance by the legendary Enrique Iglesias. The Gaddafi posse descended "with an entourage of 30 or 40 people, with lots of security. Every day they were on the beach, riding Jet Skis, & having long lunches with plenty of wine."
NY Daily News speculates the idea may have been planted at last year's Venice Film Festival, where Saadi &UdayHannibal were the toast of the town, & where Enrique's squeeze Anna Kournikova made chums with the two gangsters. At Venice, the Gaddafis enjoyed a special performance by hip hop felon / prophet-for-our-time 50 Cent, who says rapping for the Tripoli home boyz was the highlight of his 2005, perhaps because he's so used to jonesing with criminals.
At least Enrique was too saavy to mingle with the Maghreb riff-raff, refusing to leave the VIP area, altho he was reportedly paid a six-figure fee to perform for the Libyan mafia. No word if Saadi & Hannibal found time to indulge their regular pastimes, such as beating up pregnant women, assaulting police officers, smashing up yachts, romancing Nicole Kidman, & pretending to play soccer.
Meanwhile, the Colonel announced his latest humanitarian epiphany, "aimed at assisting disadvantaged & vulnerable people" in Africa. He might want to start with the 130 Libyan political prisoners who began a hunger strike this week, to protest their continued imprisonment after Seif Gaddafi (the other reprobate) announced with great fanfare last fall that they would be released by last September.
Posted by Jeff at 05:43 AM | Comments (7)
COMPLETE 2005 GUIDE TO DIVINE RETRIBUTION
Posted by Jeff at 05:42 AM | Comments (2)
January 04, 2006
IN CASE IT'S ABSOLUTELY VITAL TO KNOW...
...Barbra Streisand has issued her latest foreign policy statement.
Posted by Jeff at 02:17 PM | Comments (17)
WHILE YOU SLEPT SOUNDLY
SURELY GOODNESS & MERCY SHALL FOLLOW ME ALL THE DAYS OF MY LIFE, & I WILL DWELL IN THE HOUSE OF THE LORD FOREVER. — PSALM 23 VERSE 6. FROM THE GALLERY OF SOLDIERS' PHOTOS AT UNDER MARS
Posted by Jeff at 12:52 AM | Comments (7)
FUCK THE PALESTINIANS — BUT WE MEAN THAT KINDLY & CARINGLY
Also: more Palestinian Fan Club members in Egypt
Posted by Jeff at 12:50 AM | Comments (1)
URBAN LEGENDS — THE GIANT SAND SQUID
Gulf Wars I & II spawned a number of urban legends, such as the man-eating camel spiders, the rumor that Saddam Hussein starred in gay porno, that a divine sand storm saved US troops from thousands of land mines, etc. One of the most persistent myths is that of the giant sand squid, an enormous cephalopod said to lurk under the desert dunes & attack unwary nomads.
The sand squid is said to burrow rapidly underground, like the killer maggots in Tremors, to squirt noxious ink like its marine cousins, & it's even reported that Bedouins use the ink as an aphrodisiac. This makes no sense, because real squids spray ink as a sort of aerosol defense that disperses in water, whereas ink + sand = a gloppy mess.
In the photo above, a giant sand squid is shown 'attacking' the armored personnel carrier of two presumably American soldiers. Close examination, however, raises some suspicions. The squid's shadows, for instance, aren't in sync with the light source, suggesting the photo has been retouched. Also, the soldiers don't seem too concerned, which just isn't realistic.
The real red flag is that the squid is shown with eyelashes. This is ridiculous, & shows that the nitwit who perpetrated this fraud was unaware that squid eyes don't even have lashes, much less mascara. Thus we can deduce that the photo is a fraud, & offers no evidence of the supposed 'giant sand squid'.
Urban legends? Send your questions to Beautiful Atrocities!
Posted by Jeff at 12:49 AM | Comments (5)
January 03, 2006
THE FEISTY WHORE INTERVIEW
Feisty is a 26yo working girl, blogger, & proud Republican, altho she hails from a blue state family & would never do Pat Robertson. She's a smart girl who relates the Iraqi elections to pimps n hos, & a not-so-smart girl who gets clobbered on cheap Norwegian piss. Herewith is the Feisty interview:
Beautiful Atrocities: Were you locked in a cupboard as a child?
Feisty: No, darling. For me to be locked in the cupboard, my mom or dad would've had to have been conscious or home.
BA: Do you pack heat?
Feisty: Nope. Unless you are referring to those microwaveable dildos.
BA: No. Tell me about working girls.
Feisty: The vast majority are butt-frickin'-ugly due to drugs & alcohol. If you have any amount of attractiveness & aren't diseased, you're instantly mid or high-class. There's also a new breed of hookers which are like middle class teenagers who work the malls to get clothes & high class stuff. Kinda sad.
BA: Any role models?
Feisty: Mary Carey. [porno actress / Republican who ran against Arnold in California recall on platform to legalize ferrets, tax breast implants, & wire Governor's mansion with live web-cams]
BA: Do you think Hustle & Flow is an accurate view of the profession?
Feisty: I haven't seen that. Based on the description, it appears the pimp has 'aspirations', which is totally false. I ain't never seen a pimp with aspirations.
BA: Let's talk about
back-door action.
Feisty: Back door only occurs for a premium fee. People sometimes are rough & it's hard to pull that off without seething pain unless you're super turned-on. [Ed: I know] So it's rare, although not unheard of. For rhoids, you can mix an amalgam of lidocaine topical anesthetic with Vaseline.
BA:. Unusual thing you keep in the fridge?
Feisty: If some shady people I don't know (like my pimp's boyz or something) are coming over sometimes I'll stash my jewelry in the freezer under the frozen broccoli.
BA: Kevin Federline or Justin Timberlake?
Feisty: They're both kinda scuzzy, but I'm going Timberlake
BA: How do you deal with really fugsly customers?
Feisty: 1) Gork oneself out on drugs or alcohol 2) Think about your next blog article to pass the time. I've actually doinked fugly-ass phreaks while thinking of Kelo. 3) Get really over-the-top dirty & hope he cums early!
BA: Do you consider yourself an entrepreneur?
Feisty: Most certainly. There is a lot of competition - wives, girlfriends, other whores, escorts - & I try to stand out by having a brain in addition to a smokin' hot body. People with crappy business skills (i.e. blowing all revenues on blow or failing to show up on time ) will just end up in jail or working at Wendy's...i.e. out of business.
BA: Worst part of your job? Best?
Feisty: The worst part is the constant low-grade fear of getting killed or harmed. Best part is getting to go to places & concerts I wouldn't be able to go otherwise.
BA: Do you think Guy cheats on Madonna?
Feisty: I actually think they're faithful. Could anyone else put up with that kabbalah blabber and lack of TV?
BA: Is it true that 99% of prostitutes are lesbians?
Feisty: Most are abused / confused individuals who are just looking for drug or Prada money, so I suppose most are bi or just 'whatever, I need a fix', if that's an orientation.
BA:
Let's talk politics. How do you think Colonel Gaddafi would be in the sack?
Feisty: Libya's Hugh Hefner is all about the XXX group action after camel cruisin' for chicks in those fly silk desert pimpthreads. Unfortunately, my clients at the CIA told me that as a result of all those Desert Hos, his junk was the inspiration behind Libya's top secret Treponema Pallidum WMD Program. BYOP!
BA: Sean Hannity?
Feisty: No BJs & no anal EVER. Stuck in a loop of makeout, mish, & guilt. Makes up for it with some old fashioned romance, but still, the women tire & move on after they realize the loop is, in fact, a loop.
BA: Donald Rumsfeld?
Feisty: Don Juan Rumsfeld has been known to never sit down for an entire day's work. I think he'd have tremendous stamina & wouldn't go for any of that lazy missionary BS. Any position where the man stands....he's a master. Helllooooooo sex swing!
BA: Ted Kennedy?
Feisty: Teddy's a fat, sloppy drunk, all about minimal effort then rolling over & falling asleep. Make sure you have Teddy's bottle of Valium at bedside to quell those early-morning DTs, otherwise, you'll have to haul his ass into the ER where the staff'll have to use one of those special lifts to drop him on a gurney & tie him in 4-point restraints.
BA: Dominique de Villepin?
Feisty: Mmmm, je veux que vous me foutiez, Dominique. Maintenant! While I want to get all wet with him on the cold subway station concrete, I'll totally get turned off by his penchant for those whitie tighties which, & I quote, "Remind [him] of [his] country's national drapeau."
BA: Al Gore?
Feisty: Al Gore thinks he's the hottest frickin' porn star ever to enter the bedroom when he's, in actuality, the equivalent to the pimply fluffer in some B gay porn movie. After a couple of rail rum & Diet Cokes (even his drink is boring!), he brags to his buddies Yeah, she wasn't so sure about making the sweet love until she saw my 18-inch Pantsmonster!
BA: Al Franken?
Feisty: Totally self-centered. Totally not offering any oral. Watched that scene in American Psycho where the guy's doing that chick while looking in the mirror & thought, What's so bad about that? He just thinks about how hot he looks naked & goes on forever until the chick is forced to say, Are you done yet? It's time for me to GO!
Posted by Jeff at 12:34 AM | Comments (15)
January 02, 2006
WHILE YOU SLEPT SOUNDLY
Spc Stephen LoPinto, SSg Martin Angulo, Spc Matthew Hayner, Baghdad, Iraq. from the Cool blue blog, authored by lopinto's father frank
Posted by Jeff at 03:36 PM | Comments (3)
January 01, 2006
BEAUTIFUL ATROCITIES PREDICTIONS FOR 2006
Get real. Why should I bother when so many great minds have already spoken?
Daily Pundit: Kirstie Alley will get
good news
Daily Kos: Dems won't retake Congress in 2006
The Anchoress: Hillary will cry in public
Cindy Sheehan: We will prevail!
Kabbalah: Violence on August 3rd
Alec Baldwin: Democrats take Senate, leading to Cheney's impeachment.
Bits Blog: Global warming blamed for everything
Sigmund, Carl, & Alf: Tipper Gore admits she voted Bush in last 2 elections.
Juan Cole: Palestinian struggle* will continue because of those awful Israelis
Ron Bailey: No asteroid strike (but look out for 2036)
Attack Machine: FOX launches Missing White Girl Channel©
Dean Esmay: Castro croaks [Ed: BA doesn't believe this]
Kellyanne Conway: Valerie Plame in Playboy
Oliver Willis: Another White House insider indicted, but MSM will ignore it the way they have ignored the Libby case
Viking Pundit: Air America will fold
Nina Burleigh: A secular intellectual / left-leaning politician will be arrested based on his views & 'associations'
Jeff Goldstein: Hillary will swap spit with Barbra Streisand during You Don't Bring Me Flowers duet
Glittering Eye: Iran will test a nuke. No one will do anything
Rightwingduck: Mary Mapes gets fired from bank teller job
Sundries Shack: John Kerry will announce he's running for President in 08 before he announces he's not
Beautiful Atrocities: Wonkette's novel quickly joins Washingtonienne's in remaindered bins of history; Mayo Clinic issues gallstone warning for readers of Andrew Sullivan's leaden prose
*struggle = terrorism
Posted by Jeff at 04:50 PM | Comments (5)