December 06, 2005
BEAUTIFUL ATROCITIES COMPLETE GUIDE TO JENNIFERS
Jennifer was the most popular girls' name in the 1970s, which explains why we're now up to our ass in Jennifers. If, like me, you have trouble telling them apart, here's a handy guide:
Jennifer Garner:
1972 5'9.
Actress /
CIA recruiter. Made series of bombs - Electra, Daredevil - before finding fame as spook on Alias,
cancelled after
Garner married
Ben Affleck.
Bitten by Colin Farrell. Voted
Best Female Arms on Access Hollywood. Low point: Pearl Harbor.
High point: none.
Jennifer Connelly.
1970 5'7½ 34C/D-22-34. Teen model who appeared in Duran Duran video Union of the
Snake. Survived certain career death of
appearing in movie with
Melanie Griffith, won Oscar for enduring Russell Crowe. Had
breast reduction.
Dresses
kids in fashionable Che. High point: A Beautiful Mind.
Low point: The Hulk.
Jennifer Aniston:
1969. 5'6. 34C-23-35½ Aka Rachel, also name of eponymous 90's hairdo.
Currently transitioning from TV star to box office poison.
Drove Brad Pitt away with obsessive Bush-bashing.
High point: Friends. Low point: in progress.
Jennifer
Love Hewitt: 1979 5'2½ 34C-24-33 Teenybopper actress. Worships Gwyneth Paltrow as goddess, sent her roses before 1999 Oscars, which is creepy. High point: Party of Five. Low point: dating Wilmer
Valderrama.
Jennifer Lopez:
1969 5'6 Morphed
from competent actress to grotesque man-eating diva (P. Diddy, Ben
Affleck) with entourage even bigger than you-know-what.
High point: Selena. Low point: Gigli. Heather Mills
stormed Lopez' office to protest use of fur, but escaped death when
Lopez not there.
Regularly
slags
off peers.
Jennifer Tilly:
1958. 5'5½
36C-24-34. Kewpie-voiced Amerasian psychocutie / champion poker player. High point: Bound.
Low point: Seed of Chucky. Has made 45 movies, many fairly
obscure. #5 on Mr Blackwells' 1997 Worst Dressed List.
Jennifer
Eccleston: 1969 Fox News reporter, embedded with US troops in
Iraq War. Placed
3rd in Wizbang's Hottest Newsbabe poll. Degrees from Georgetown
& London School of Economics.
Jennifer Morrison:
1979
5'5 Debuted at 15 in Richard Gere / Sharon Stone bomb
Intersection, but survived. High point: Dawson's
Creek. Low point: The Ashlee Simpson Show. Cubs fan. Worked
with Affleck, claims he does not wear a toupee.
Jenna Jameson (Jennifer Marie):
1974 5'6 34DD-23-33 Porn star /
bestselling author. Quote: "Fuck Gloria Steinem." 2004
Award Best Girl/Girl scene My Plaything 2. Daughter of
cop & Vegas showgirl. Within 1 year, went from HS cheerleader to
stripper to nude model to porn actress to crackhead. Likes back door
action.
Jennifer Ellison:
1983
5'6½ Bodacious British soap star / pop diva. Starred as vixen on soap
Brookside: "If it's supposed to be a really passionate snog,
you slip the tongue in." Said to be only reason men watch soaps in UK.
Denies implants.
Jennifer Esposito:
1973 5'5 High
point: Crash. Low point: Dracula 2000. Favorite sandwich:
Nutella & sliced bananas on Wonder bread. Big break: Spin City.
Jennifer Walcott:
1977 5'3 32C-22-32 Playboy Playmate of the Month August 2001.
"Special skills" include aerobics, roller blading, & broadcast
journalism. Film credits: Hot Lips, Hot Legs; No
Boys Allowed.
NSFW
gallery.
Jennifer Cavalleri: Ali McGraw's (5'9½ 33A-24-34) character in
1970 weeper Love Story. Inspiration for bijillions of namesakes. In
2000,
Al Gore claimed he was inspiration for Ryan O'Neal character,
foreshadowing incipient madness. Quote: "Love means never having to say
you're sorry," altho in my sorry experience it's the exact opposite.
Jennifer North: Bimbo with a heart of
gold from Valley of the Dolls. Played by Sharon Tate (5') in
camp classic 1967 movie.
Quote: "What the hell, let 'em droop."
Jennifer Follia: 5'6
Madonna
impersonator at clubs, fashion shows, conventions, & fine cruise ships.
Also channels Gwen Stefani, Lesley Ann Warren, Uma Thurman, & works to
save Indonesian orangutan from extinction. Advice: "Never bleach your
hair more than once a month."
See also Voice of a Jen-eration
Posted by Jeff at December 6, 2005 06:57 AM
Comments
remind me to tell you about the Jennifer trick...
Posted by: MacStansbury at December 5, 2005 01:15 AM
My gawd, Jennifer Lopez has one humongous ass.
Posted by: sadie at December 5, 2005 04:14 AM
Sadie, it's an entity of it's own.
Posted by: serpentineshel at December 5, 2005 05:38 AM
J-Lo has got as much junk in her trunk as that crazy lady from Trading Spouses.
Posted by: Patrick at December 5, 2005 06:16 AM
I'm surprised you didn't mention Connely's brief stint as lesbian crack whore in Requiem for a Dream—she went a-to-a!
Posted by: Josh at December 5, 2005 08:06 AM
Incredibly, J-lo had to be padded for her role as Selena, whose ass was even bigger!
Posted by: beautifulatrocities ![[TypeKey Profile Page]](/nav-commenters.gif)
at December 5, 2005 08:17 AM
And let's not forget Jennifer Connelly in Labryth with David Bowie.
Posted by: Jenny at December 5, 2005 09:10 AM
OMG, Labyrinth is un-fucking-watchable!
Posted by: beautifulatrocities at December 5, 2005 09:13 AM
"High point: Friends. Low point: in progress."
Yee-ouuuchhhh.
Posted by: EssEm at December 5, 2005 09:28 AM
I notice that you didn't include either of my ex-girlfriends, both named Jennifer.
As such, your list is incomplete.
Posted by: Preston Taylor Holmes at December 5, 2005 09:54 AM
Garner: Too much silicon, a has-been (and now preggo), Jessica Alba wannabe though the show sported better actors than DA.
Connelly: Was smokin' in Beauty and the Mind...
Aniston: Who really takes her seriously; everybody knows Friends was all about Lisa Kudrow.
Love Hewitt: I can't.
Lo-pez Dispenser: Proving trailer trash is an equal-opportunity lifestyle.
Tilly: Who? Why?
Eccleston: Not even close to Dari Alexander.
Morrison: Blah. (I almost visited Ashley Simpson's dad's church once - and then I found out it was Ashlee Simpson's dad's church...
Ellison, Esposito, Walcott: Who? What?
North, Follia: Never heard of 'em, but obviously from the basement of the totem poll.
Posted by: Martin at Blogbat at December 5, 2005 10:09 AM
Jennifer Connelly cannot be blamed for her poor role choices as a minor. Besides, she's hot. I'd do her.
Posted by: sadie at December 5, 2005 11:00 AM
I don't think Connelly drives on the left side of the road, but you could probably nail Jennifer Tilly
Posted by: beautifulatrocities at December 5, 2005 11:17 AM
No thanks. Very few women exist that I'd cross that line for. Jennifer Tilly certainly doesn't make the cut. Ick. Is she female?
Posted by: sadie at December 5, 2005 05:23 PM
"Jennifer Connelly cannot be blamed for her poor role choices as a minor. Besides, she's hot. I'd do her."
I'm framing that.
I would also like to suggest that Jennifer meet me tonight for drinks.
yes, I realize I left out the last name, I'm being inclusive.
Posted by: MacStansbury at December 5, 2005 05:59 PM
"Aniston: Who really takes her seriously; everybody knows Friends was all about Lisa Kudrow."
Nope. All about the monkey. The humans bit the big one, and so did the show. Sadly, it IS her high point.
Posted by: Attmay at December 5, 2005 06:32 PM
I don't think this kind of thing will get you in at PJM, Jeff.
Posted by: Dan at December 5, 2005 08:12 PM
Why not?
Posted by: beautifulatrocities at December 5, 2005 08:19 PM
I think you need to include more small animals - you know, bring the nature funny.
Posted by: Dan at December 5, 2005 08:21 PM
Oh and a funny neighbor, too - that always gets 'em at PJM.
Posted by: Dan at December 5, 2005 08:23 PM
I think PJM is a No-Fun Zone
Posted by: beautifulatrocities at December 5, 2005 09:05 PM
My gawd, Jennifer Lopez has one humongous ass.
It must be quite a responsibility, being the carrier of the Lopez-ass, 24/7. Do you suppose she ever uses a stunt butt?
Posted by: TimT at December 5, 2005 10:30 PM
When did Jennifer Connelly get a breast reduction? I remember thinking "What a pair of knee-breakers!" when I saw her in Mulholland Falls.
Posted by: DJM at December 5, 2005 10:33 PM
"Mullholland Falls" Now that was a watchable movie.
I still have no idea what it was about.
Posted by: serpentineshel at December 6, 2005 05:35 AM
Jennifer Tilly has always given me the creeps.
Okay, anyone named Jennifer, really.
(NOT. . .I love one or two. The rest? Eh.)
Posted by: Margi at December 6, 2005 07:42 AM
I feel dirty after reading this.
I have some Jennifer stuff on my site. It is really odd how many of us there are. I was one of the girls who mom watched Love Story the rest is history. I think the number of Jennifers is somewhere around 2 million in the USA as of 2003. That is just the Jennifers that know how to spell their name correctly.
A friends once said she couldn't throw a dead cat without hitting a Jennifer. Disturbing... the cat part I mean ;)
Posted by: Jennifer at December 6, 2005 08:13 AM
I met Jennifer Tilly several years back at Sundance. A friend of a friend of mine had been hired to keep her amused, and to make sure she stayed off the news and out of jail while she was in Utah. Also to keep her, umm, satisfied. If you know what I mean. And I think you do.
Seriously, she was a lot of fun, and she had a healthy attitude toward celebrity nonsense. I would have done her, no question. But somebody else was getting paid for that.
Posted by: utron at December 6, 2005 08:18 AM
At least it is better than the "Heathers" we went thru in the 80's!
Posted by: MCPO Airdale at December 6, 2005 08:22 AM
Oh god, we are probably due for a Heather-lanche
Posted by: beautifulatrocities at December 6, 2005 11:45 AM
You gotta love those "C" cups.
Posted by: Mystery Meat at December 6, 2005 04:51 PM
Quote: "Love means never having to say you're sorry," altho in my sorry experience it's the exact opposite.
Amen.
=darwin
Posted by: Darwin at December 6, 2005 04:59 PM
gosh, i thought connelly was uber-awesome in Dark City, one of my fav cult films.
shouldn't that be her high point?
Posted by: matoko-chan at December 6, 2005 07:56 PM
My housemate used to call this the Human Jen-ome Project.
Posted by: mdhåtter at December 7, 2005 03:29 PM
You picked a good photo of Jennifer Marie to use. No one knows what her face looks like.
Posted by: Dodger at December 7, 2005 03:56 PM
hay! i godda grate idear! yew should so post this to metafilter!
Posted by: quonsar at December 8, 2005 12:14 PM
Can't do monkeys.
Posted by: Martin at Blogbat at December 8, 2005 06:20 PM
This is pure Jen-ocide.
Posted by: Keesha Myass at December 9, 2005 07:47 AM
*snicker*
Posted by: grey at December 28, 2005 10:58 AM
Jennifer was number one name for girls from 1970 to 1984. It peaked with fully 1.6% of all baby girls born being named Jennifer. In 2004 the name had fallen to 38th place. Authentication:
http://www.ssa.gov/OACT/babynames/
Posted by: scotch7 at January 6, 2006 11:30 PM
Nice collection of J's, but you forgot Jennifer Jason Leigh, a gifted actress who appears to have been born in the late 60's or early 70's I would guess.
Posted by: Jennifer Rubinstein at January 7, 2006 05:09 PM
I'm happily married to a Jennifer.
Jennifer Love Hewitt is simply the most beautiful woman in the world in my opinion. I even sit through some of that horrid ghost show on Friday nights just to see her.
Posted by: Bram at January 9, 2006 11:54 AM