Beautiful Atrocities: November 2005 Archives

« October 2005 | Main | December 2005 »

November 30, 2005

THE BEAUTIFUL ATROCITIES INTERVIEW: SYLVIA - ONE OF THE 72 VIRGINS

We're talking with Sylvia, one of the 72 virgins assigned to pamper newly slaughtered jihadis in the Muslim Paradise. Contrary to popular opinion, it's a communal pool of 72 virgins, not 72 virgins apiece, so these ladies have been very busy since 9/11.

Beautiful Atrocities: Hi Sylvia, have a seat.
Sylvia: Are you kidding me?
BA: Sorry. I guess you girls have been pretty busy lately?
Sylvia: Can we talk?? The line is longer than the goddamn DMV.
BA: Describe it.
Sylvia: Well, it's Paradise, so of course it's gorgeous, lots of pillows, organza in loud colors - no pastels - tchotchkes from Pier 1, Thompson seedless grapes, Posturepedic mattresses, pillows—
BA: It's a whorehouse.
Sylvia: Thank you.
BA: Is it glamorous?
Sylvia: You know, if you go up there thinking it's going to be like Pretty Woman, you're going to be disappointed, okay? I mean, you can't imagine some of the tired, worn-out, saggy old wrecks. And that's just the clientele, HA!
BA: They ride the pony pretty hard?
Sylvia: Seriously? Most of 'em go for the comely youths*.
BA: Really?? Mohammed Atta?
Sylvia: Oh girlfriend! She's a screamer!!
BA: Thanks Sylvia, I'll let you get back to the old grind-stone - get it?
Sylvia: Kiss my ass.

*"And around them will be youths of perpetual freshness, youths of such beauty that you would think them scattered pearls."

UPDATE: I relayed a commenter's question to Sylvia during one of her 10-minute breaks: Do the female suicide bombers get 72 Chippendales? Sylvia: "They are immediately handed mops & assigned custodial duties."

Posted by Jeff at 06:35 AM | Comments (15)

ELIGIBLE, ATTRACTIVE 35YO WHACK-JOB SEEKS SAME

Posted by Jeff at 06:30 AM | Comments (10)

CHELSEA BECK - "GOSPEL YODEL"

Now is the time at Beautiful Atrocities when we rock. (Only works in IE)

Posted by Jeff at 06:18 AM | Comments (0)

PEACE MOONBEAM GOES TO FRANCE

From the Peace Moonbeam Chronicles, in which our drippy heroine goes to Paris to heal the French intifada:

"When we reached the parking lot we found they had burned our rental car into something that looked like a charcoal briquette. After renting another car, we headed out. While better than the first car, the interior of this one still smelled like a diseased yak marinated in urine. No wonder they like burning these things. We no sooner arrived at our destination than a mob came rushing towards us! They looked just like the angry Palestinians you see on TV only with sweaters tied around their shoulders & really stylish haircuts. In hindsight, trying to placate these marauding Euro-Jihadists by yelling that we were Americans, not French, probably wasn’t the greatest idea ever.

"With the sound of our burning car exploding behind us & the mob at our heels shouting Allah Akbar, we ran for our lives until we came to a gendarme. Screaming for help, we ran inside only to have the officers on duty throw themselves sobbing at our feet while several others waved crude white flags fashioned from what appeared to be their underwear. The rioters came in & pummeled us all before heading to the parking lot to burn the police cars. While we weren’t able to bring an end to this conflict, we still have enjoyed the beauty of Paris, at least what little we can see through the thick clouds of acrid black smoke."

Posted by Jeff at 06:16 AM | Comments (1)

November 29, 2005

IT COULD BE WORSE - IT COULD BE TOM CRUISE

Posted by Jeff at 07:24 AM | Comments (2)

CAN'T YOU IDIOTS TAKE A JOKE?

November 28, 2005

NO. SHIT. SHERLOCK.

"Those who enter the country illegally violate the law." George Bush, Nov. 28 2005

Posted by Jeff at 09:54 PM | Comments (7)

CINDY SHEEHAN CAPTION CONTEST

Caption this classic pic of Cindy Sheehan, Peace Mother, thronged at her booksigning. I'll start: "That's great, Cindy, remember: think cute, bubbly, & effervescent!"

Related: Plastic Turkey Frenzy

Posted by Jeff at 05:02 PM | Comments (29)

DOWN & DIRTY: THE BAD BLOG AWARDS

Posted by Jeff at 12:04 PM | Comments (7)

WELCOME TO BERKELEY: A MALKIN-FREE ZONE

Dear Berkeley Public Library,

I see you still haven't responded to my repeated requests you order the new Michelle Malkin book Unhinged, even though your user-friendly suggestion form states If you would like a response to your suggestion, enter your email address here. Is this for real, or are you jerking me off?

I realize that after blowing your budget on that expen$ive renovation you may have sacked your order department, so I also emailed your Library Director, but heard nothing from He/She/It either, which is weird, since Michelle is a much-loved figure in Berkeley.

You have 0 copies of Michelle's 3 books, yet 33 copies of Al Franken's books. Michelle even does her own research, unlike Franken. You have only 3 copies of Rush Limbaugh's books, yet 30 copies of Michael Moore's books, including Estupidos Hombres Blancos, presumably for the benefit of illegal aliens, who are tragically unable to read Michelle's Invasion.

You have a single Sean Hannity book, 1 Robert Spencer book, & 3 copies of Michael Savage's first book (he's written more). It's nice you have 11 copies of Ann Coulter's books, but you also have 11 copies of What's the Matter With Kansas, 11 copies of Nickel & Dimed, 16 ridiculous copies of Bait & Switch, & 48 volumes of Chomsky wisdom.

If it's a matter of space, you could junk those 5 Andrew Sullivan books, as he's gone quite mad & no one returns his calls anymore. To me, it's an issue of diversity, as well as having the common courtesy to say Yes, we'll be thrilled to order Michelle's new book, or Fart off you reactionary pig. Either way.

Your friend,
Jeff

UPDATE! Peter Kay comments he received the following email from Berkeley Public Library:

"Your suggestion to purchase Unhinged was duly noted & placed on the monthly suggestions for purchase list. The fact that I have begun to receive exceedingly nasty emails from someone about why this book has not been purchased does not remove it from the list. However, such nastiness does not advance its purchase either. If you have any idea about who might be sending such threats, you might suggest they cease. The title remains on the list but the online suggestion box has been closed down in previous times when an abundance of threatening emails arrived. I’m sure you would not like to see your ability to make suggestions removed because of others poor use of the facility."

Success, as I've never received a response to any of the books I've suggested. However, there's no reason for nastiness - I always find humor & snark work better.

Posted by Jeff at 06:34 AM | Comments (53)

November 27, 2005

CULTURALLY SENSITIVE CHRISTMAS STAMPS: BURQA MADONNA

My entry for the Commissar's anti-Xmas gallery:

RIPA MADONNA, courtesy Ron at Our Daily Ripa. See also Sadie's Sensitive Scientology Xmas Stamp

Posted by Jeff at 06:41 PM | Comments (4)

SO MUCH FOR THE FIFTH COLUMN STRATEGY

Howard Dean: "Okay, it looks like our Plan A to retake Congress isn't working, so we'll switch to Plan B. Does anyone have a Plan B?"

Posted by Jeff at 06:38 PM | Comments (0)

THE DARK CURSE OF VERA WANG

Posted by Jeff at 05:22 PM | Comments (3)

BUTT SERIOUSLY

The latest on cricket supersensation / pinup / franchise-in-waiting Salman Butt:

Hair Defends Butt Decision
No Butts About It - Salman Was Lucky
Butt Hopes to Resolveng Problem
Gutsy Butt Keeps Pakistan Afloat
Butt Hits 50, which includes this riveting account:

"Butt played Shaun Udal into the off-side & set off for a single but on reaching the other end he saw Hair signaling a dead ball & asking him to go back to the strikers end. Udal trapped Butt leg before next ball, bowling round the wicket."

Posted by Jeff at 02:26 PM | Comments (1)

I'M READY FOR MY CLOSEUP, MISS SARANDON

Posted by Jeff at 09:22 AM | Comments (12)

November 25, 2005

"AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO'S NAKED UNDER THIS THING?"

Posted by Jeff at 09:02 PM | Comments (0)

YOU LIKED ME! YOU REALLY REALLY LIKED ME!

2005's eagerly awaited winner of the International Gaddafi Prize for Human Rights (sic) is ex-Malaysian PM Mahathir Mohammed, for his "deeds & contributions to the Islamic world." Presumably this includes his 2003 address stating that Jews rule the world & calling for Muslims to defeat them.

When his speech was condemned by Western leaders (notably excluding France), Mahathir said "the reaction of the world shows they control the world." In Muslim circles, Mahathir counts as a moderate. (By contrast, important intellectual Paul Krugman blamed Mahathir's comments on - George Bush.)

Mahathir, who went on to endorse John Kerry for US President, will accept his award in Libya, which by coincidence just ranked last - behind even Saudi Arabia - in the Economist's Index of Political Freedoms in the Middle East. Previous luminaries who've copped a Gaddafi include Louis Farrakhan, Fidel Castro, & Hugo Chavez.

Colonel Gaddafi in the news this week:

¶ Met with the lovely & grief-stricken Widow Arafat, who reiterated Gaddafi's call for an international inquiry to find Arafat's 'murderers' (OJ, are you listening?)

¶ Provided free satellite TV for entire British jail so that Lockerbie bomber can watch Al-Jazeera

¶ Boycotted last week's World Summit on Information in Tunis, to protest short time allotted for him to speak

¶ Met with CIA Deputy Director to discuss counterterrorism, a meeting that included Gaddafi's sinister brother-in-law, wanted in France for the bombing of a civilian airliner that killed 170 people (presumably for his expertise)

¶ Kangaroo court once again postponed final ruling on death sentences of five Bulgarian nurses convicted of AIDS bioterrorism. Sensitive artist Seif Gaddafi said he doesn't believe the nurses are guiltly but...

More Seif wisdom: "I'm not saying we are a democratic state 100%. But we have made Libya a model for the Middle East."

OPTIMISM: GOOD FOR YOUR HEALTH

Posted by Jeff at 08:20 PM | Comments (0)

November 22, 2005

LOVE AMONG THE REPTILES

Dear Beautiful Atrocities,

I'm 83 & my 87yo husband has lung disease. We were thrilled to learn that Viagra is a promising new treatment for this. However, the doctor warned there could be side effects, he just didn't say they would be mine. They have him on 10 pills a day, & it's turned him into a human divining rod. Lately I've spent more time on my back than a break dancer. I've got rug burns on my bedsores. My thighs are so chapped I could grate Parmesan. There's no escaping him - the other day I bent over to file my corns & didn't come up for air for 45 minutes. Must I endure this?

Can't Sit Down

Dear Can't,

Absolutely not. I didn't know this sort of thing even went on among your set, & find it rather revolting. Try replacing half his pills with placebos. If 10 are effective, 5 should be fine. Also, stop provoking him. If you're one of those cockteasers who fraulein around in butt-crack low-riders, high-rise miniskirts with no panties, & rubber hostess pants, knock it off & act your goddamn age.

Posted by Jeff at 07:18 AM | Comments (14)

November 21, 2005

JIHAD BLONDE

She came into the joint wearing a seething red burqa micromini, Gucci backpack & stilettoes, & a thunderhead of nihilism. Everyone watched as she approached the bar, her rear suspension swinging back & forth like a bottle of hot sauce.

"What'll it be?" I croaked.

"Cup of joe with a straw," she said. Through the corrugated mouth vent, her lips were as thin & red as a surgeon's scalpel. I couldn't see her eyes, but I had a feeling they were the frosty blue of an iceberg & I was her Titanic.

"Cream?" I asked.

"Lots," she said. "I like my coffee like my men - weak."

Her perfume was annihilating. "Chanel?" I asked, but she shook her head.

"Cordite by Faberge." She had a smoked voice, like Lauren Bacall or a smoldering schoolbus.

"So," I said, "what's a bombshell like you doing in a place like this?"

"Community service," she said, & snorted a girlish, staccato machine-gun laugh. I had to know more about her.

"Where'd you pick up that accent?" I asked. "Kandahar? Mogadishu?"

"Tiffany's," she said, & we both laughed.

"You got a name?" I said.

"Daisy."

"Like the flower?"

"No, the cutter."

I would die for this broad. "Cigarette?" I offered.

"Thanks." Our fingers brushed, & hers were as cold as jello in Mongolia.

"Light?"

"No thanks," she grinned, & reached slowly for her backpack. "I've got just the thing right here..."

available from harlequin jihad

Posted by Jeff at 06:16 AM | Comments (13)

November 17, 2005

ASHLEE SIMPSON SUCKS ASS (PT 2)

Dear Teen People,

I see that you put Ashlee Simpson on the cover of your magazine. Are you aware that she is 21? I realize she acts like she's 13, but isn't there some requirement that the coverteen should be, like, a teen? Given that Miss Simpson is a drunken no-talent faux-alternative hebephrenic little ho-bag, do you really think she's a suitable role model for your readers? Or is your readership restricted to skanks, slags, & common street whores?

You are aware of her SNL phreakout where she tried to fake her way through a supposedly live song & ended up doing some sort of mental patient's version of the hokey pokey? Do you know what lip-synching is? Basically, it's lying. There's been a lot of talk lately about lying - most of it, quite frankly, people blowing smoke out of their ass - but I'm pretty sure lying is against one of the 10 Commandments, & hardly something you should be encouraging.

Regretfully,
Jeff

See also Ashlee Simpson Must be Destroyed; Jessica Makes Fun of her 'Stupid' Sister; or pick up a copy of Teen People & peruse their fascinating articles: YOUR PERFECT BLACK DRESS; I WAS EXPELLED BECAUSE I HAVE TWO MOMS; QUIZ! DO YOU COME ON TOO STRONG? ; CHAD & SOPHIA: IS THIS THE END? ; 5 AMAZING OUTFITS FROM 10 TRENDY PIECES!

H/t Patrick, a loyal Teen People reader

Posted by Jeff at 07:17 AM | Comments (18)

OH SHUT THE F*CK UP

Posted by Jeff at 07:08 AM | Comments (10)

NOREEN: I F*CKING HATE BEING 33

"There is even a word for the cuntiness of being in your thirties & it is 30-something. What a load of cockswill. If you cannot count up to the age you are, it is time to give up & get some electric shocks. Women in their thirties are the f*cking worst. There are the ones who have just got children who are utterly appalling, going on & on about baby Einstein & all their tedious ghastly parenting concepts, an army of torn-twatted harpies watching each other like hawks to ensure they are 'the best' at mothering. Which they are not. The best mothers are Gypsies, who send their kids out to steal & work.

"Men in their thirties are just vile, f*cking awful cunts, miserable as sin beneath their I'm not bald really tennis ball haircuts, driving their gay little convertible cars & pretending that their ghastly, dribbling offspring are at all interesting to anyone. Five to ten years & the lot of them will lose the facade of smiling, & will either be giving it to some young bimbo in the conference room table, or be broken, shattered versions of their fathers. The single ones are so tediously self obsessed, surrounded by dreadful gadgets, wearing the most terrible clothes, trying to scratch around for a new & more extreme hobby than the next preening muppet, waiting for the big four-oh, so they can describe themselves as playboys rather than losers. I hate the whole f*cking lot of them."

From Emerald Bile

Posted by Jeff at 07:06 AM | Comments (4)

November 16, 2005

THE BEAUTIFUL ATROCITIES INTERVIEW: BRAD PITT ON DAMES

Beautiful Atrocities: So tell me, dude, what happened with Jennifer?
Brad Pitt: Seriously? I couldn't take the constant Bush-bashing. Bush lied, Rove did it, Gitmo Gitmo Gitmo, all day long.
BA: Not sexy.
Pitt: Your man comes home after a hard day with Julia Roberts, he doesn't want to hear a rant about Scooter Libby.
BA: I take it Jennifer's Israeli peace accord didn't pan out?
Pitt: Let it go, dude.
BA: But you have a history with gibbering moonbats. Gwyneth Paltrow--
Pitt: Oh Jesus God, what a Total Eclipse of the Fun that wench is! She hates Bush, she hates America, now she hates England. She's allergic to fun!
BA: You also dated Juliette Lewis, who's a raving Scientologist.
Pitt: Is this off the record?
BA: Of course.
Pitt: Sometimes it's just a hot piece of ass, okay?
BA: Now you're with Angelina, who said Bush's reelection was heartbreaking.
Pitt: Look, I don't date bimbos.
BA: Yes you do.
Pitt: Okay, but Angelina's not like those others.
BA: You're 43, she's 30 - aren't you worried she'll ditch you for a younger guy?
Pitt: Nope.
BA: Will there be a sequel to Mr. & Mrs. Smith?
Pitt: I'm not old.
BA: I never said you were.
Pitt: Although she did make Alexander with Colin Farrell.
BA: Who's 29.
Pitt: And now she's making a film with Matt Damon...
BA: 36.
Pitt: ...
BA: Hello?
Pitt: Does this make me look fat?

Posted by Jeff at 06:35 AM | Comments (12)

GRATUITOUS CHEESECAKE MEME

Blogging 101: When in doubt, post worm-burping material. PAULINA RUBIO. MELISSA THEURIAU. ANONYMOUS MAN-EATING HIP BOOTS. THE MICROWAVABLE BRA. LIPSTICK LESBO ANIME. THALIA, TYRA BANKS, KAROLINA KURKOVA, & HEIDI KLUM. MAUREEN DOWD. See also this list of helpful slang.

Posted by Jeff at 06:22 AM | Comments (1)

GOOD NEWS FROM LIBYA

Sorry, there isn't any.

Posted by Jeff at 06:09 AM | Comments (3)

November 15, 2005

MARY MAPES: INDC CONFIDENTIAL

Disgraced CBS news producer Mary Mapes is flogging her quickie book Truth & Duty (#927 with an anchor on Amazon), in which she defends the forged memos with arguments like Oh yeah? So what? Says who?? Mapes reserves special venom for the shark pack of bloggers who took her down, especially one in particular. Footnote 173, pg 322:

"By far the most persistent pathogen was one INDC Bill Ardolino, a whinging candy-assed wop with lifts in his shoes bigger than Rather's ego. He scammed my cell number & peppered me with harassing calls about kerns & serifs & whatsits but also weirdass shit like What size shoe do you wear? & I am the gatekeeper.

"When he insisted we meet for a private champagne dinner chez INDC, I had to ask myself: Is he after my ass, or my ASS? Luckily, I was getting a weave at Lady Pho's right next to Linda Tripp, who warned me Watch your back, girl - get it on tape!

"Bill lived in a bullet-riddled walk-up over an aquarium store, & I climbed the moldering stairs just in time to see a leggy blonde in a yellow raincoat & sunglasses slink out of his place. I am the keymaster, she purred, & click-clacked off on her stilettoes. Phreak.

"Bill's place was decorated in Naugahyde Hell, fine imported crap, & Andrew Lloyd Webber posters. I knew I was in trouble when he tossed me a beanbag chair: oldest trick in the book. I made myself as comfortable as possible, pulling my skirt over my alabaster knees & wishing I'd shaved both my legs.

"He passed me the bottle of champagne, & I discreetly activated the mike between my tits. Bottoms up, he grinned... I woke up the next day with my pantyhose on backwards & the mother of all hangovers. I'm still not sure what happened, but I couldn't sit down for a week. That stupid Linda Tripp: the tape was no help at all."

EXCLUSIVE TAPE OF INDC BILL & MARY MAPES

Posted by Jeff at 06:35 AM | Comments (13)

SHARON OSBOURNE TELLS IT LIKE IT IS

Posted by Jeff at 06:32 AM | Comments (0)

November 14, 2005

WELCOME TO FRANCIFORNIA

Arrogant West Coast basketcase the rest of the continent wishes would fall into the sea

Impacted, corrupt political class sipping drinks on the Titanic	OUI	YES

Large unassimilated minority whelped on multiculturalism & poisoned by identity politics

'Conservative' leader who's liberal anywhere else on the planet

Parasitical public unions that have pols by the balls	*OUI*	YES

Liberal media more like party organ	Le Monde, LCI cable	LA Slimes, SF Comical

Overtaxed, overregulated economy resulting in jobs, manpower, & tax revenue going au revoir	OUI	YES

Dispatches from the underground	No Pasaran	Tammy Bruce

Lebensraum	New caliphate	Aztlan

Dangerous extremist waiting to capitalize on political paralysis	Jean-Marie Le Pen	Warren Beatty

Effete well-coiffed substance-free nancy-boi liberal prototype	Dominque de Villepin	Gavin Newsom

Festering sump of nihilism	Clichy-sous-Bois	Berkeley City Council

Third World colony	Quebec	Los Angeles

WTF????	Foie-gras	Nancy Pelosi

We're gonna have a revolution...	EU constitution referendum	Gray Davis recall

When brave men walked the earth	Charles Martel	Ronald Reagan

Cocktail of the moment	Mecca Cola	~~Chardonnay~~ White Merlot

Most annoying export	Audrey Tautou	Beautiful Atrocities

Posted by Jeff at 12:35 AM | Comments (16)

November 13, 2005

SPECIAL BEAUTIFUL ATROCITIES SUNDAY DEVOTIONAL MESSAGE

Posted by Jeff at 06:08 PM | Comments (8)

November 12, 2005

SLEEP WITH A VET FOR VETERANS DAY

Today we remember that freedom isn't free. America is only safe because of the dedication of its brave servicemembers, whose sacrifices make freedom possible not just for real Americans, but also for nancy-boi liberals, bitter old harridans, celebrity bubbleheads, pathetic drunks, the deranged & the deluded. America's servicemen & women are real people with real lives & real needs. Also, talk is cheap. Show, don't tell. Make a vet's day really special.

Thanks, Jeff (former USAF)

Posted by Jeff at 11:05 AM | Comments (9)

ASHLEE SIMPSON MUST BE DESTROYED

Drunken Ashlee Simpson Rampage in McDonalds Captured on Cellphone Video

"It's definitely interesting when your relationship is in a magazine & people know about it & how I had this reality show & people knew what was going on in my relationship." Ashlee Simpson

Ashlee: Acid Reflux Causes Lip-Synching. Related: What is gastroesophageal reflux disease?

Ashlee Simpson Sucks: "Okay. for all you 'fans' of ashlee simpson, why do you LIKE her? is she that great? does she really deserve to be played on the radio? give me your goddamned opinions!"

StopAshlee.com: Petition - "We, the undersigned, are disgusted with Ashlee Simpson's horrible singing & hereby ask her to stop. Stop recording, touring, modeling & performing. We do not wish to see her again." Claims 400,000 signatures.

Features I SIGNED IT Stop Ashlee apparel store

Ashlee Simpson Booed Offstage at Orange Bowl. Infamous SNL video

Ashlee Simpson, the Face of Pure Evil "I mean, have you seen this bitch's face? It's so ugly, even Brandy was like Damn girl, what happened to your face? It's so ugly, I almost wouldn't f*ck her!"

Pitiful Ashlee Simpson: "A place for one & all to give their testimony to how bad ashlee simpson sucks. her vocal chords should be removed, as any effort she makes to sing is a complete and total failure. join me in my effort to embarrass & humiliate her & her family."

Ashlee Simpson Should be Put to Sleep: "Someone please help her. I actually feel bad. Wait, no I don't. I hate her."

Bonus: "I would be a therapist (if I weren't an entertainer)." Jessica Simpson

Video: Jessica Simpson Gagging & Burping

Posted by Jeff at 10:44 AM | Comments (14)

SALMAN BUTT UPDATE!

Butt Shines as England Toil: "England were left toiling in the sun as Salman Butt posted his second Test half-century to help Pakistan grasp the early advantage."

UPDATE TO THE UPDATE: Gutsy Butt Keeps Pakistan Afloat!

Posted by Jeff at 10:18 AM | Comments (0)

November 11, 2005

FIRST LADY OF FRANCE

'Every beautiful flower ends up surrounded by weeds.' - Cyanide blonde / grief-stricken widow / fag hag Suha Arafat

To honor the anniversary of the death of homosexual terror master / Nobel Peace Prize winner Yasser Arafat, we are reposting our profile of his lovely widow.

Nablus-born Christian, raised Greek Orthodox. Daughter of wealthy Oxford-educated banker Daoud Tawil & inflammatory journalist Ramonda Tawil. Educated at Sorbonne. Met former confirmed bachelor Arafat in Amman. Was 'economic adviser' to Arafat in Tunis. Married when he was 61, she 27.

Visited Gaza refugee camps in luxury blue BMW. In food drive for Iraqi children under sanctions, had every outgoing box stamped 'a gift from the first lady of Palestine.' 10 year old daughter Zahwa has Palestinian amusement park named in her honor. Claims Arafat sang Frere Jacques to daughter (hard to believe)

Nickname in Palestinian press: Miss Moneybags. Who she admires: Hillary Clinton. Friends: Shapari Khashoggi, Queen Rania of Jordan. Wears: Louis Féraud, Christian Louboutin. (When Arafat sat next to Catherine Deneuve at dinner, Suha had to explain who she was. )

Arafat fortune estimated $300 million (Forbes), $1.3 billion (Mossad), $4.2 billion (IMF). According to PA, Suha received monthly stipend of $100,000, which means Israeli figure of $1 million per month more likely. Owns villa on gold standard Rue Fauborg St Honore, also maintains lavish suite at 5-star Hotel Le Bristol.

Investigated for money laundering when $11.4 million showed up in French account, about the time IMF discovered $778 million 'hole' in PA funds. Suha's response:"Ariel Sharon is responsible for this vicious leak. What's strange about the rais [president] sending money to his wife overseas, especially when I handle Palestinian matters and interests?"

In Gaza appearance with Hillary Clinton: "Our people have been subjected to the daily & extensive use of poisonous gas by the Israeli forces, which has led to an increase in cancer cases among women & children." [Clinton: smooches with Suha 'worst mistake' of Senate campaign]

Current financial advisor: Pierre Rizk, who headed intelligence service of Phalanga during Lebanese civil war & was in close contact with guerrilla group responsible for the massacre at Sabra & Shatilla refugee camp in 1982 [!].

On snogging a murderer: "I married a myth. But the marriage helped him step down from his pedestal & become a human being."

Palestinian PM Mahmoud Abbas to Arafat: "It's her or me."

Suha's guide to fitness & beauty: "I do 1 hour of aerobics every day to release the tensions. Thank God for (beauty) creams."

Suha's advice for political wives: "This is the best advice I can give to Sara Netanyahu: demonstrate self-confidence exactly like Hillary Clinton."

Unnamed PA legislator: "She was in fact the first lady of France."

Gaza policeman: "I once saw Arafat kiss a wounded man's groin, but Suha sits as far away as possible. You get the feeling that if she were to move even an inch closer, she would become ill."

On fine French healthcare: "Our child was conceived in Gaza, but sanitary conditions there are terrible. I don't want to be a hero & risk my baby."

On Arafat's advisors: "And as if a rooster on the garbage heap we have our own ministers, who build their private palaces right at the neighbors of the refugee camps."

On haute terrorism: "If we want to be a Palestinian state, we have to be avant garde."

Suha's guide to marital bliss: "I argue only when I know what I want. It is hard to influence Arab men. The Arab male is not influenced by a woman. It goes in one ear and out the other."

On living with gangsters: "It was not easy to enter into their world. It is a man's world, & very closed -- like a family with a lot of intermarriages, &, well, you know the result of that."

What she would do with a son: "There would be no greater honor than to sacrifice him for the Palestinian cause."

On her man: "It wasn't fate; it was love."

On being a stay-at-home wife: "When I complain of being neglected, he offers me souvenirs and symbols of the Palestinian revolution."

Commentator Muhammad Yaghi on the Palestinians' bond with Suha: "Really, they want only to forget her."

Fatmah Faqih, Ramallah refugee on Suha: "She lives in hotels. We live in ditches."

On her daughter Zahwa: "She is totally her father. A real authoritarian."

On Oslo: "Peace is a lie."

On hope in the Middle East: "I hate the Israelis."

On her enemies in the PA: "History will judge them."

SUHAGRAPHY: Debka on $ecret deal between PA & Suha. Daniel Pipes: Arafat's Bedroom Farce. Deborah Sontag: Arab Militant in High Heels. Barry Rubin: The Woman Behind the Curtain. Suha Arafat: Ramallah's Lady Macbeth. Red Horizons: Memoirs of Romanian spy chief contains lurid details of Arafat's gay romps. Bird Cage Liners

Posted by Jeff at 07:30 AM | Comments (5)

NICOLLETTE SHERIDAN SETS THE RECORD STRAIGHT

"There was this thing written that I had gone into a candle store, & my hair went up in flames because of all the hair spray. First of all, I never have hair spray in my hair, & I've never even heard of this store, & my hair has never been burned."

Whew. I'm glad that's settled. See also Housewives Star in Fake Porn. Nicollette Sheridan Fanlisting. Awful Plastic Surgery.

Posted by Jeff at 07:27 AM | Comments (2)

November 10, 2005

I WENT TO SWEDEN & ALL I GOT WAS A LOUSY ABORTION

NEWS ITEM: Sweden Poised to Become Abortion Haven

Sweden: It's not just Garbo, Volvos, & rye krisps anymore...

"Biff & I were really looking forward to our Paris vacation, but then I got pregnant with fricking twins & there was all that fuss with those French youths. So I said, Hey hon, if we go to Sweden, I can get an abortion & with the extra money, we can get TIVO! Thanks, Sweden!"

"I know I shouldn't have gotten drunk at that frathouse, but the charter flight to Sweden rocked! We were all in the same boat so it was more like a slumber party! Afterwards we went to the beach with our I GOT SUCKED IN STOCKHOLM towels & I met this fierce guy! Sometimes I break out in a cold sweat & start sobbing, what's THAT about??"

"Da militias come at night. Afterwards, my family throw me into street. Den dis guy say, Hey, you seen Mamma Mia? You been to Reindeer Week? I say, What da f*ck? Da food suck, I freeze my ass, but I get great goody bag: face wipes, muesli, chapstick, Ipod®."

"Hi, I'm Barbara Boxer, defender of that partial birth thing. It's great to see a country on the cutting edge of abortion! I didn't abort my son, who got a fat casino contract after I railroaded federal recognition for that Indian tribe! I wished I'd flushed my daughter after she married that Rodham loser & I had to suck ass about that Paula Jones tramp."

COME TO SCENIC, SANITARY STOCKHOLM! AFTERWARDS, YOU'LL SAY "I LEFT MY HEART IN SWEDEN! WELL, MY FETUS ANYWAY."

November 08, 2005

SUPPORT THE INSURGENTS! DEFEND BORED YOUTH!

The glorious French insurgency began when disaffected, pissed off, fully subsidized & fairly worthless youths, driven mad by relentless airplay of Un Monde Parfait single by obnoxious brat Ilona Mitrecey (#1 for 14 weeks), began torching fuel-efficient cars to demand that imperialist French police stop leaving them alone.

Things escalated after Sarkozy called the rioters racaille (which can mean either riff-raff, excitable youths, camel-f*ckers, or E.coli) & is now spreading across Europe. Note: This is not about the M-word*! As Michel Moore said, "One man's pyre of Western civilization is another man's youth unrest." Important players (in order of name length):

Dominique Marie François Rene Galouzeau de Villepin: PM. So sophisticated he writes poetry & has a girl's name. Smooth as a suppository. Almost succeeded in saving a certain genocidal mass murderer. Proposed president of Vichy caliphate.

Nicolas Paul Stephane Sarkozy de Nagy-Bocsa: Rude, ill-mannered ladies man / Interior Minister. 'Right-wing' (ie, not a member of the Communist Party)

Valerie Elise Plame Wilson: SHHHHHHH!!!!!

Jacques Rene Chirac: Weaselly triangulator, lunch meat in Sarkozy / Villepin sandwich. Licked Laura Bush.

Johnny Depp: Important intellectual / American expatriate: "France & Europe have a great culture. I'm afraid that American culture is a disaster."

The French army, overextended in Cote d'Ivoire & EuroDisney, called in support from the Foreign Legion (whose soldiers were too busy shagging each other somewhere in the torrid, tempestuous Sahara). UN peacekeepers are being rushed in to file reports while France burns.

Join us tonight in SF, where the usual spotty crowds of shiftless rabble will assemble with signs reading SARKOZY=HITLER, NO BLOOD FOR CREME BRULEE, & VOULEZ VOUS COUCHER AVEC MOI, then proceed to chant incoherently, torch Peugeots, make jackasses of ourselves, & hopefully get laid.

*No, I don't mean Madonna

CORRECTION: We have been informed that the photo of Dominque de Villepin above is actually a photo of American intellectual Jennifer Aniston. Sorry.

UPDATE: ABU GHRAIB ON THE SEINE!!

Posted by Jeff at 12:09 AM | Comments (21)