November 22, 2005
LOVE AMONG THE REPTILES
Dear Beautiful Atrocities,I'm 83 & my 87yo husband has lung disease. We were thrilled to learn that Viagra is a promising new treatment for this. However, the doctor warned there could be side effects, he just didn't say they would be mine. They have him on 10 pills a day, & it's turned him into a human divining rod. Lately I've spent more time on my back than a break dancer. I've got rug burns on my bedsores. My thighs are so chapped I could grate Parmesan. There's no escaping him - the other day I bent over to file my corns & didn't come up for air for 45 minutes. Must I endure this?
Can't Sit Down
Dear Can't,
Absolutely not. I didn't know this sort of thing even went on among your set, & find it rather revolting. Try replacing half his pills with placebos. If 10 are effective, 5 should be fine. Also, stop provoking him. If you're one of those cockteasers who fraulein around in butt-crack low-riders, high-rise miniskirts with no panties, & rubber hostess pants, knock it off & act your goddamn age.
Posted by Jeff at November 22, 2005 07:18 AM
Comments
Man, you are just sick.
Posted by: Bill from INDC at November 22, 2005 09:10 AM
Thanks a lot, Jeff. After reading that, I doubt I'll ever have sex again--which, on the upside, will give me a lot more time to devote to scrapbooking.
Posted by: utron at November 22, 2005 11:13 AM
Yeah, like a 83 yo woman filing her corns isn't HOT?!?
Posted by: MCPO Airdale at November 22, 2005 11:37 AM
Yeah, like a 83 yo woman filing her corns isn't HOT?!?
The randy wench was obviously begging for it. Women...
Posted by: Cassandra at November 22, 2005 12:45 PM
You could have picked a better target than Viagra. The Livetra (www.levitra.com) ads, with the full lipped, smiling brunette on TV raving to the point of simulated climax about what the drug has done for "her man," makes the octogenarian intercourse here seem sedate.
I also like the hushed voice disclaimer telling the guy to call his doctor "immediately" if his erection lasts more than four hours.
Posted by: Redhand ![[TypeKey Profile Page]](/nav-commenters.gif)
at November 22, 2005 01:49 PM
"Freulein around." If you aren't rich and famous--and widely reviled--soon, there's no justice in the world.
Posted by: Attila Girl at November 22, 2005 08:06 PM
LOLLLL!!
Get back with me when I'm 83. Or you are. Whichever.
Fraulien around is quite the pithy turn of phrase. Me loves it.
Posted by: Margi at November 22, 2005 10:15 PM
Rugburns on bedsores, aaahhhhhhh!
Oh, and nice poem, NetPowerSoft.
Posted by: Jonathan at November 24, 2005 03:17 AM
I'm not even sure what "file my corns" even means. And in the world of sexual euphemisms, I'm the [ahem, self-proclaimed, ahem] queen.
Posted by: Feisty at November 24, 2005 06:09 AM
"human divining rod"
hmmmm...May have to look into those pills.
For a friend.
Posted by: serpentineshel at November 24, 2005 06:18 AM
Happy Thanksgiving, you old coot!
Posted by: Margi at November 24, 2005 07:23 AM
Your nose for the refined, the elevated, the noble, the true and beautiful, is as sensitive as it ever was...
Posted by: EssEm at November 25, 2005 05:45 AM
I hope you had a fine thanksgiving, you sick freak.
Posted by: Pile On® at November 25, 2005 07:06 AM
I like you...I really, really, like you! But I also now have blisters on my psyche after reading this one.
Posted by: Jeff at November 27, 2005 08:32 AM