November 30, 2005
THE BEAUTIFUL ATROCITIES INTERVIEW: SYLVIA - ONE OF THE 72 VIRGINS
We're talking with Sylvia, one of the 72 virgins assigned to
pamper newly slaughtered jihadis in the Muslim Paradise. Contrary
to popular opinion, it's a communal pool of 72 virgins, not
72 virgins apiece, so these ladies have been very busy since
9/11.
Beautiful Atrocities: Hi Sylvia, have a seat.
Sylvia: Are you kidding me?
BA: Sorry. I guess you girls have been pretty busy lately?
Sylvia: Can we talk?? The line is longer than the goddamn DMV.
BA: Describe it.
Sylvia: Well, it's Paradise, so of course
it's
gorgeous, lots of pillows, organza in loud colors - no
pastels - tchotchkes from Pier 1, Thompson seedless grapes,
Posturepedic mattresses, pillows—
BA: It's a whorehouse.
Sylvia: Thank you.
BA: Is it glamorous?
Sylvia: You know, if you go up there thinking it's going to be like
Pretty Woman, you're going to be disappointed, okay? I
mean, you can't imagine some of the
tired, worn-out, saggy old wrecks. And that's just the
clientele, HA!
BA: They ride the pony pretty hard?
Sylvia: Seriously? Most of 'em go for the comely youths*.
BA: Really?? Mohammed Atta?
Sylvia: Oh
girlfriend! She's a screamer!!
BA: Thanks Sylvia, I'll let you get back to the old
grind-stone - get it?
Sylvia: Kiss my
ass.
*"And around them will be youths of perpetual freshness, youths of such beauty that you would think them scattered pearls."
UPDATE: I relayed a commenter's question to Sylvia during one of her 10-minute breaks: Do the female suicide bombers get 72 Chippendales? Sylvia: "They are immediately handed mops & assigned custodial duties."
Posted by Jeff at November 30, 2005 06:35 AM
Comments
At last! ONE interview that Katie Couric didn't scoop you on!
Posted by: EssEm at November 30, 2005 07:51 AM
So, it's virgin HELL, right?
Dodged THAT bullet.
Posted by: Margi at November 30, 2005 09:44 AM
Funny stuff Jeff. I just linked to your post. It's now on my blog and also my friend Vilmar's blog -- http://rightwinghowler.blogspot.com where I am guest posting.
Posted by: Lisa at November 30, 2005 09:52 AM
Wait a minute. It's a communal pool of 72 virgins? I thought it was 72 virgins apiece. I'm beginning to think all that Semtex and C-4 I bought was just a big waste of money...
Posted by: utron at November 30, 2005 12:20 PM
Who is Sylvia?
Posted by: ed albee at November 30, 2005 12:41 PM
That is correct, it's a fixed group of 72 hard-working ladies. Let's give it up for them, guys
Posted by: beautifulatrocities at November 30, 2005 12:45 PM
I'd heard that it was 72 Virginians, starting with G. Washington, and so on. The punchline is that these "martyrs" get their reward in ways other than what they expected. I'll leave that to your imagination.
Posted by: John at November 30, 2005 01:22 PM
There apparently is no sex in heaven.
Posted by: J_Crater ![[TypeKey Profile Page]](/nav-commenters.gif)
at November 30, 2005 03:07 PM
That's why it's better to be Muslim!
Posted by: beautifulatrocities at November 30, 2005 03:20 PM
But here's the secret: Muslims get virgins. Christian and Jewish men get women who know what they're doing. So it's much better to be Christian or Jewish.
Posted by: Attila Girl at November 30, 2005 04:22 PM
Do the female suicide bombers get 72 Chippendales?
Posted by: old gary at November 30, 2005 05:15 PM
If there's no sex in heaven, i ain't goin'.
Posted by: matoko-chan at November 30, 2005 07:19 PM
Er, from what I've been told, Matoko-Chan, that's not really up to you, but is rather the decision of the Owner...
Posted by: EssEm at November 30, 2005 09:58 PM
*"And around them will be youths of perpetual freshness, youths of such beauty that you would think them scattered pearls."
I thought that was interesting when I learned of that "ideal" they seem to ponder not all too seldom.
But you forgot the most important question: Of all the 72 virgins/raisins up there, whom would Allah do? (WWAD)"
Posted by: Martin at Blogbat at November 30, 2005 10:27 PM
Wow, custodial duties huh? brutal.
Posted by: Brian J. Hong at December 6, 2005 02:53 AM