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July 13, 2005

VALERIE PLAME: "PLEASE STOP LEAVING ME ALONE!"

Supersecret deep-mole undercover CIA operative Valerie Plame held a press conference outside CIA headquarters today, begging the press to stop respecting her privacy. A glamorously distraught Plame hinted that if the media did not stop avoiding her, she would be forced to write a bestselling book, & has already lined up gigs with Cosmo, Maxim, & a shot as guest host on Saturday Night Live.

A covert secret agent like Carmen San Diego, Plame previously posed as Agent 99 for Vanity Fair & regularly made the dangerous commute to CIA HQ in Langley, where she cleverly posed as a useless paper-pusher in the CIA's discredited WMD division. "Wow," said coworker Varla Jean Merman, speaking on condition of anonymity, "she totally fooled me. She sometimes made phone calls from her shoe, but aside from that she was just a typical civil servant if you know what I mean & I think you do."

Plame was upset about a report that Karl Rove leaked her identity as a covert travel agent who arranged 2 trips to Africa for her husband, failed diplomat & unemployed layabout Joe Wilson. Plame was also an undercover literary agent who scored an improbable book deal for Wilson in this email exchange:

Plame: I don't want to hurt your feelings, honey, but you're a loser. You were ambassador to Gabon. Hell, Shirley Temple was ambassador to Ghana. You were such a zero, you were drummed out of the Foreign Service. That's like being too crazy for the Scientologists. The only way a cipher like you could get a book deal is with the right packaging.

Wilson: You mean a snazzy book cover?

Plame: No, you moron. I mean we'll pretend you're an important person - I know, I know, it's a stretch - & you're going to call the President a liar. Bush-bashing is even hotter than chick-lit right now, & with American soldiers dying every day - well, you just can't buy that kind of publicity. 

Wilson's book was shredded by a Senate Intelligence Committee, but hailed by Moveon.org (an overt agent for George Soros)  as well as the NY Times (an overt agent for the Democratic Party). Speaking off the record, Times editor Bill Keller said "We're really hurting after a string of failed scandals: Rathergate, Gannongate, Toiletgate, & now this. Our only successful scandal was Jayson Blair, but that wasn't exactly what we had in mind."

See also Michelle Malkin: The NY Times' Rove-mania

Posted by Jeff at 10:08 AM | Comments (21)

July 10, 2005

THERE GOES THE NEIGHBORHOOD

Responding to nancy pressure-groups, ABC pulled the plug on its new reality show Welcome to the Neighborhood, in which white conservative Christian families confront potential new neighbors & say bad things like I want a family similar to what we are. This is too bad, because it's important to show that white conservative Christians are hoseheads & the source of most of the world's problems. Here's hoping ABC doesn't get cold feet over these other new reality shows:

Get Off My Dress:  Circuit queens in San Francisco's gay ghetto throw a hissy fit when the neighborhood is overrun by 'Normas,' poorly-dressed lesbians - many of them gardeners - with cats & no disposable income.

Hutsi-Tutsi:  Amusing neighborhood conflict show set in scenic Rwanda.

Korean BBQ:  Inner-city blacks prepare special welcome for recent Asian immigrants & their weird-ass habits, such as eating dogs, driving slow, & having a work ethic.

Miami Uber Alles: City ordinance requires Mexicans & Puerto Ricans to wear special identifying patches so that decent Cubans are not mistaken for peasants.

Blackball!  University humanities professors unite to block job applicants who don't parrot their tired old paleoliberal canards.

Pardon-moi!  Sophisticated 21st Century Eurowussies lose their heads when they find an army of humorless 12th Century Muslims parking on their lawn.

Take Me to Your Leader: PC Hollywood liberals crash-land in Bible Belt, something they have only read about in science-fiction novels.

Posted by Jeff at 10:13 AM | Comments (19)

July 05, 2005

TIME OUT

Posting on Beautiful Atrocities will be MUCH reduced over the summer as I take time to focus on a couple of writing projects. And frankly, I'm SICK of politics. In the meantime, read the blogroll & watch Passions, where Sheridan is about to recover her son, who was stolen at birth when Beth kept Sheridan in a basement pit for months. Oddly, this only happened last year, but the child is now 6 years old...

Posted by Jeff at 11:19 AM | Comments (31)