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June 21, 2005
CITIZEN JOURNALIST SEAN PENN
Posted by Jeff at 05:05 AM | Comments (15)
June 20, 2005
REMEDIAL HIGHER EDUCATION
Here at the online
University of Phoenix, you will receive a comprehensive education in the
philosophy of future success in your new career: Powerpoint, Outlook Express, filling out surveys, & how toa PDF
file. Our team exercises also teach you the invaluable lesson, If
you want something done, do it yourself.
We offer both an online curriculum graded by foreign nationals in Bangalore, as well as our ground campuses, located in seedy strip malls across America.
Hiring managers take note when they see University of Phoenix on your resume! Our graduates are well-represented among civil servants, food-service specialists, motel managers, carnal entrepreneurs, & TV news anchors. The University of Phoenix online law school is a major recruiter for Jacoby & Myers, & our online medical school provides staffing for fine nationalized health industries in Canada, Britain, & Libya.
A few of our successful alumni:
- Ward Churchill, Phd in Excel spreadsheets from University of Phoenix online Business School
- Arianna Huffington, licensed manicurist from University of Phoenix online Beauty Academy
- Nancy Grace, MFA in Ecru from University of Phoenix online Arts Academy
- Bill Frist, Phd, University of Phoenix online institute of Parapsychology
The University of Phoenix is competitive with finer educational establishments such as the Bryman School, Control Data Institute, & the Barbizon School. We have a diverse student body, including housewives returning to brush up their cocktail waitressing techniques as well as motivated individuals on work furlough or community service. University of Phoenix is also a fine employer, & is always hiring new instructors, starting at $13 an hour.
Watch out USC: the University of Phoenix is excited to be fielding its first online football team, with the nubile University of Phoenix online cheerleaders. Call today to take advantage of our special offer: University of Phoenix's new 3-week master's programs in homeopathy, store window display, Adobe Acrobat, & copy-&-paste.
See also University of Phoenix Sucks!
Posted by Jeff at 08:13 AM | Comments (27)
June 18, 2005
LUNACRATS
IOWAHAWK: FROM THE DESK OF SENATOR DICK
INDC JOURNAL: APB FOR MAXINE WATERS
POLITBURO DIKTAK: RINO KOOL-AID
KNOWLEDGE IS POWER: I HEART GITMO
The fun thing about being an independent is that you can take turns being disgusted with both parties. This week, hands down, it's the Democrats aka the Lunacrats. When did hyperbole go mainstream? My high school Rhetoric teacher taught us that hyperbole is a sign of a weak argument. It's also irresponsible.
Let us turn to fiery independent Camille Paglia & her 1991 MIT address in which she flamed the Left's tendency to wild exaggeration:
"The abuse of language has got to stop. Throwing around words like racist & homophobic & so on. We cannot condemn as bigotry everything that we don't agree with. Or when you don't get enough money for AIDS education: Genocide! This is what they were shouting in Kennebunkport. What does this do? You destroy the true meaning of genocide as it was authentically embodied under Hitler. You destroy meanings, you anesthetize people, you turn the mind off."
(It also applies when throwing around terms like Holocaust to refer to abortion & euthanasia to refer to taking a brain-dead woman off life-support.)
Posted by Jeff at 03:06 PM | Comments (17)
June 15, 2005
THE EVOLUTION OF KATIE COURIC
Katie Couric is that rare combination of malign perkiness & breathless gravity, a hard trick to pull off, which is why she has a $60M contract. It also makes it hard to talk & breathe at the same time; try it. It's clear, however, that human evolution has been inexorably evolving towards the Uber Katie, & now She's here. Adapt or die. Perky & Profound family trees:
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Jane Curtain. Terminally serious SNL news anchor whose intense delivery belied repressed psychosexual neuroses. Occasionally cracked up & flashed audience: Posted by Jeff at 07:06 AM | Comments (14)
June 13, 2005
RECIPES FROM THE ELDERS OF ZION COOKBOOK:
SABBATH BREAD WITH ARAB INFANT PLASMA
This is a recipe my grandmother taught me. I have beloved memories of holding a squirming, mouth-watering Arab infant while gramms sharpened the butcher knives & told us colorful tales about the shtetl. This is a wonderful bread to make because the dough turns a lovely rose-pink & perfumes the house with the infinite melancholy of vanquished glory.
NOTE: if you have pets, keep them locked up. It's heartbreaking to be setting out your ingredients, only to look outside & see the dog playing Frisbee with your leavening. Ingredients:
1 Arab infant, ripe, not too gamey
Oil, preferably Halutza
Dead Sea salt
Eggs
Good quality flour
Kosher honey
Poppy seeds for crust
Any large Jewish community will have an Arab infant provider. When in doubt, ask your local rabbi, although he'll probably take a cut. If you have a coupon, so much the better. However, this is the one & ONLY time you must not go for the cheapest deal.
My friend Cloris, the proctologist's wife, always bragged about her dirt-cheap Arab infant connection. Well, her Sabbath bread tasted like goat chow. Turns out, the guy was passing her Guatemalan babies! Like I really want epazote in my Sabbath bread!! OY VEY.
Your supplier will usually offer you an assortment. Handy pocket guide:
TURKEY: AAK! Not Arab! Do not use unless you have a thing for grease & gas!
LIBYA: Strong Old World stock, can be a handful. Keep mallet handy
MOROCCO: Bit briny, sharp as a Beaujolais when fresh
SAUDI ARABIA : Quality much degraded. Season liberally.
GAZA: Cheap, runty, poor quality. Tough & stringy. Pound first.
RAMALLAH: Adequate, affordable. One less suicide bomber to worry about.
BEDOUIN: Exquisite, expensive. For special occasions. NOTE: Make sure it's real Bedouin & not cheap Sicilian knock-off.
SYRIA: Excellent smoked over camel dung
EGYPT: Pickle in vinegar first to remove odor
IRAQ: Excellent & plentiful! Do your part to rebuild the economy of Iraq!
IRAN: NOT Arab. Does make healthful smoothie with tamarind, paraffin, & anchovies
Of course, I needn't tell you not to waste the discards. Use them for a nourishing soup stock, sausage fillers, or throw them on the compost pile, & your daffodils will be the envy of the neighborhood. Or cook down the remains, stir with honey, & use as face cream. SHABBAT SHALOM!
See also Michelle Malkin: The Gitmo Cookbook
Posted by Jeff at 12:44 AM | Comments (10)
June 11, 2005
DON'T CRY FOR ME, ARIANNA
For a good laugh,
check out Huffington's Toast,
a riff on Arianna Huffington's blogged-down quagmire, Huffington's Post. Even better, check out this actual transcript of Arianna's appearance on Bill O'Reilly. Many liberals - Joe Biden, for one - are afraid to go on O'Reilly, because he
calls them out. Not Arianna. The love child of Eva Gabor & Juan Peron, Arianna would show up for theng of a tea bag.
Arianna: I believe that right now we are an irritant.
You got that right, honey. Via The Anchoress
Posted by Jeff at 01:54 PM | Comments (7)
June 10, 2005
SOCCER REVOLUTION
photo © parastood
Azadeh, my favorite Persian blogger babe, reports how Iranian women demanded entry to World Cup qualifier & watched a live soccer match for the first time in the history of the tyrannical Islamic Republic. Azadeh: "I am proud of all of them." Mansour Nasiri, a Persian photoblogger, has pics of women protesting outside the stadium, & also here.
RegimeChangeIran: "A selected group of females were allowed in the stadium in order to help the regime show a better & more human face to naive reporters in quest of seeing 'reforms' taking place in Iran." However, Islamist thugs attacked a crowd of women in the parking lot, sending some to the hospital.
Soccermania is bad news for the mullahs, as spontaneous celebrations turned into antigovernment demonstrations, & more can only follow. Nasiri's Photoblog posts daily photos of life in Iran, including:
Akbar Ganji, Iranian journalist tortured & imprisoned for articles implicating government in wave of political murders. Seriously ill, Ganji was released for medical treatment on May 29, then rearrested yesterday after criticizing the ruling clerics & calling for a boycott of the elections.
Emad Baghi, another journalist imprisoned for debunking Ayatollah Khomeini's claim that the Shah was guilty of the mass murder of 60,000 political opponents. The actual figure is 3164 for the duration of the monarchy, a far cry from the hundreds of thousands murdered in 26 years of Islamic totalitarianism.
Iranian women demonstrating in support of reformist candidate Mostafa Moin.
Iranian women as fashion guerrillas (also here). In Reading Lolita in Tehran, Azar Nafisi has written about the early years of Islamic tyranny, when women were flogged for wearing makeup, nail polish, or showing a single strand of hair
NOTE: NASIRI'S SITE SOMETIMES BUSY. HIT REFRESH A COUPLE OF TIMES
Posted by Jeff at 12:13 AM | Comments (8)
June 09, 2005
MELISSA THEURIAU: THE FRENCH KATIE COURIC
Via Thomas
Posted by Jeff at 09:40 PM | Comments (11)
June 08, 2005
BEAUTIFUL ATROCITIES' ROOT CAUSES OF TERRORISM TIMELINE
450 million years ago: First cartilaginous fishes
240 million years ago: Gore Vidal born
6000 BC Sumerians invent beer in Fertile Crescent; Madonna born
2000 BC Gore Vidal publishes first of gazillion books blaming all world's problems on America; no one knows wtf he's talking about
800 BC Madonna's Smearing the Pap Tour & closes in Gomorrah: "tired" "too old" "same old crap"
600 BC Jewish captivity in Babylon; Madonna begins study of Kabbalah, typically ahead of pack, as it has not yet been codified
63 BC Roman conquest of Jerusalem
33 AD Crucifixion of Jesus
135 AD Destruction of Jerusalem, Diaspora begins
625 AD Mohammed weds 6-year-old child bride Aisha, beating out rival Woody Allen
650 AD Koran codified, banning alcohol. Mideast becomes official No-Fun Zone
650 AD Susan Lucci debuts as Erica on All My Children
732 AD French accidentally defeat Muslims at Tours
1096 Crusades launched in response to advance of Seljuks in East & Almoravids in Spain. Susan Lucci loses 500th Emmy nomination.
1200 AD - present Decline & ossification of Islam
1322 Liza marries Edward II: "He's no homo."
1517-1917 Ottoman Empire rules Judea / Samaria
1700 Age of Reason & scientific revolution; Islam misses train
1750 Industrial Revolution; Islam AWOL again
1776 American Revolution inaugurates 200+ year representative democracy
1789 French Revolution ends in tyranny
1882 First Zionists migrate to Mideast, fleeing Russian pogroms. Jews begin to purchase land from Arabs 1884 Liza marries Oscar Wilde: "100% man"
1917 Russian Revolution ends in tyranny
1924 Fundamentalist Wahhabi al Saud dynasty conquers Mecca & Medina, creating Saudi state
1939-45 Nazi Holocaust, 6 million Jews slaughtered; successful resistance in Finland, Italy, Bulgaria, & Denmark
1941 Grand Mufti has tea with Hitler: "Our fundamental condition for cooperating with Germany was a free hand to eradicate every last Jew from Palestine & the Arab world." Martha Stewart born.
1946 George Bush born; Louis Reard invents bikini
1948 UN partition of Palestine, birth of Israel; Arab League armies attack Israel, which kicks their asses
1949 Chinese Revolution ends in tyranny 1955 Liza marries J. Edgar Hoover: "He's a pile-driver!"
1959 Cuban Revolution ends in tyranny
1965 Days of Our Lives debuts on NBC; Dick Cheney marries Lynne Vincent
1967 Six Day War, Israel kicks ass. Cassandra Peterson becomes youngest Vegas showgirl at 16.
1969 Ted Kennedy hits speed bump on Martha's Vineyard; Elvis tells Cassandra Peterson to get out of Vegas
1973 Yom Kippur War, Israel kicks ass again. Susan Sontag invited to speak at Bennington by Camille Paglia, puts audience on life support with lugubrious existentialism
1976 Linda Ronstadt dates moonbat liberal Jerry Brown
1979 Iranian revolution ends in tyranny
1981 Cassandra Peterson renames herself Elvira, debuts on KHJ-TV in LA
1983 Linda Ronstadt dates moonbat liberal George Lucas
1988 Elvira: Mistress of the Dark released, Elvira-mania sweeps America
1993 Israel signs 'peace accord' with terrorist army, which turns West Bank & Gaza into armed camps. Transatlantic Battle of the Bitches faxfest between Julie Burchill & Camille Paglia.
1994 Sarah Michelle Gellar wins Emmy for All My Children, much to someone's displeasure; is quickly written off show
1999 Susan Lucci finally wins Emmy, no longer laughingstock of daytime TV
2000 Florida election fiasco; Al Gore drags judiciary into election, seeking recount in 4 counties he thinks he can win, a move he will later regret. Elvira on Hollywood Squares. Barak offers state to Palestinians. Arafat unleashes intifada, exploding Palestinian youths like party favors
2001 September 11th attacks on New York & the Pentagon; Congress grants military authority to President Bush with lone exception of Barbara Lee, who says we need to look at root causes of terrorism. American military topples Taliban in move Michael Moore vociferously opposed but now pretends he supported because he realizes it makes him look like an idiot.
2002 Liza marries David Gest, owner of world's largest collection of Shirley Temple memorabilia. Gore Vidal, world's oldest living organism, says Bush had advance knowledge of 9/11 attack & allowed it; also claims FDR allowed Pearl Harbor attack. Elvira's Haunted Hills goes straight to video. Mecca Cola debuts in France
2003 Bush launches Iraq War & deposes genocidal madman Saddam Hussein; liberals upset. Gaddafi shits his pants. Madonna's American Life flops; she prepares antiwar video, but think$ better of it. Al Gore & Courtney Love slide into insanity. David Gest humiliates self by claiming Liza beat the crap out of him.
2004 Beautiful Atrocities sweeps Drudge into recycle bin of history; Israel defeats intifada; Michael Moore groupie Linda Ronstadt causes riot with one too many tired encores of Desperado; free elections in Afghanistan; Yasser Arafat croaks, setting off power struggle between grieving widow Suha Arafat & PA cronies over purloined millions; Martha Stewart sent to snake pit. Despite best efforts, Dan Rather, not George Bush, becomes jobless
2005 Amnesty International laughingstock after comparing Gitmo to Stalin's slave-labor gulag that imprisoned 18 million people. Free elections in Iraq, pro-democracy demonstrations in Syria, Egypt, & Gulf States, 'Arab democracy' no longer oxymoron
Posted by Jeff at 01:00 AM | Comments (28)
June 07, 2005
CHAV REVOLUTION
Chav-scum/ubersluts/self-gropers Jordan & Jordan-wannabe Jodie Marsh
chav, n., adj., UK slang, pejorative, similar to trailer trash, basura blanca, stupid proles, etc. AKA neds, wallys, hood rats, scallies, mall rats. Oxford University Press word of the year 2004. Related terms: council-house chic, fashion brands favored by chavs; Croydon face-lift, hair worn in steel-belted bun that retracts facial skin. Possible acronym for council-house violent.
Chav hangouts: shopping malls. Chav fashion: Burberry plaid baseball cap pulled low enough to rob liquor store; miniskirts over fat-marbled thighs; anything with screaming brand name; trainers; pimp-gold jewelry; mobile phones. See ChavScum: How to spot a chav
"I would suggest that the chav identity has emerged at this particular historical moment as both a celebration & reaction of the superficial & fake aspects of an expanding information economy. Celebrities such as Posh Spice & Jordan are an almost celetariat, the new labour force to be exploited by the new owners of production, the media."
Celebrity chavs: Christina Aguilera; Jordan; Jodie Marsh; 50 Cent; J-Lo. Chav royalty: Posh & Beckham, Liam Gallagher, Jentina
Links: Chav memorabilia; Chav World UK; Chav Olympics; Which mobile for a chav?; Am I a Chav?; Is You a Chav or Is You a Posh?; Chav TV; Anti-Chav; To Chav & Chav Not; Liam Gallagher Slags Off Coldplay & Paltrow
Video: Chav AID;The Chavs: In Me Burberry; Chavhemian Rhapsody
Also: Official Jordan Fan Club. Jodie Marsh Drunk. Total Eclipse of the Skank: Jordan vs Jodie Marsh.
Posted by Jeff at 12:04 AM | Comments (11)
June 06, 2005
BEAUTIFUL ATROCITIES CHILDREN'S CORNER
THE MICHAEL JACKSON COLORING BOOK
ANOTHER REASON TO HATE THE YANKEES
Posted by Jeff at 08:54 PM | Comments (3)
June 04, 2005
THE EXPLOSIVE TASTE OF MECCA COLA
"One of the perversions of capitalism lies in the generation within oneself of the most brutal and the most inhumane part of oneself." —From non-non-profit Mecca Cola Corp.
Capitalist greed knows no religion, as evidenced by the hot new cottage industry of 'Islamic' beverages & snacks in Europe & the Middle East. Much like overpriced faux-Green products at Whole Foods, these Islamophile brands essentially represent 'alternative greed,' & aren't above exploiting religious imagery to pocket a few shekels.
Unlike the Paul Newman line, none of these brands are non-profit, tho some claim to donate a portion to Islamic charities (Hamas? Hezbollah?), drawing the attention of Western terror watchers. And Arabs are buying them, unaware that boycotting 'American' goods does more damage to locals than multinationals (Coke is one of the biggest employers in the industrial-challenged Mideast). Choice of beverage:
Mecca Cola. France, 2002. Motto: Don't drink stupid, drink with commitment! Founded by shameless entrepreneur Tawfiq Mathlouthi, former host of anti-Semitic radio show. Kinetic TV ads feature thirst-slaked drinkers, Lynndie England, & Palestinians fleeing IDF tanks. Claims 20% of profits go to 'charities.' Mathlouthi says he abjures violence, but radio statements suggest otherwise: "It's not terrorism, it's resistance." "What 'Israelis'? All I know is the Zionist entity." Bizarrely claims cola named not after holy city, but lost American Indian tribe by same name, to remember that the first genocide was in the US & the first terrorist act was there.' Website features special fatwa page. Cans carry warning: Please do not mix with alcohol!
Qibla Cola. UK, 2003. "The ethical choice." Motto: Liberate your taste! Named for Muslim ritual of facing Mecca to pray. Claims donates 10% to 'charities'. Came in last in Guardian's blind taste test. By coincidence, shares same name as jihadi terror group in South Africa. Also comes in Qibla Fantasy, "an orange infusion, for those exercising their intellects in leading the crowd rather than following it." Press pack (pdf) lists contact as Tariq Ali. Could the Chomskyite extremist be moonlighting?
Zam Zam Cola. Founded 1954 as Iranian partner of Pepsi. When Ayatollah Khomeini gave Pepsi the boot, was taken over by sinister-sounding Foundation of the Dispossessed, aka conservative clerics' cookie jar. Named for holy spring in Mecca. Sales soared after Saudi boycott of American goods in response to intifada. Also produces 300 million bottles of non-alcoholic beer.
Muslim UP. France, 2003. 7-UP knockoff, now comes in cola, orange, & citron. Website features danceable Al-Jazeera meets It's A Small World virtual tour of factory. Peppy ad campaign: Je choisie ma consomation!. Site features 'Who Are Us?' garbled couscous of advert-prop: "It is so by proposing an alternative of purchase so small it is which will prevent these neo-executioners of the new century from buying maybe the munition of excess a ball, a life."
Cola Turka (site features rockin theme song). "Drink Cola Turka & become Turkish!" Funny ad campaign starring Chevy Chase. Launched to brisk sales in 2003, one day after US arrested 11 Turkish soldiers, leading to nationwide protests. Son of Turkish PM is distributor, while son of rival ex-PM is Coke distributor. Coke said to have cut prices 10% since Cola Turka's debut.
Arab Cola. France. "Le Cola du Monde Arabe." Launched by Moroccan Frenchman, Gerard LeBlanc who calls Mecca Cola 'dangerous' because of its religious reference. LeBlanc: "I don't believe their donation credo." Comes in special Ramadan edition, as well as Arab Toufaha, Arab Monada, & Arab Limouna.
Amrat Cola. Pakistan. Amrat = 'life' in Urdu. Successfully launched in April 2003 at height of Iraq War: "Amrat Cola is the only qualitative Pakistan Cola that is being marketed throughout Pakistan & one day, God willing, it will be a brand demanded the world over."
Also: Star Cola. UAE. Sales up 40% during intifada, when Gulf clerics called for boycott of American goods. Coming soon: Meccaburger, Meccadonalds, HFC (Halal Fried Chicken). Further reading: Our Man in the Land of Zam Zam Cola by Christina Lamb. Reposted while on vacation.
Note: Neither Coke nor Pepsi has sued over flagrant copyright infringement
Posted by Jeff at 08:44 AM | Comments (13)
June 03, 2005
SPIRIT FINGERS: THE ESSENTIAL MISS UNIVERSE
...and also here
Posted by Jeff at 06:17 PM | Comments (3)
SOMEWHERE IN THE DEEPEST, DARKEST MIDWEST...
In honor of my one-year anniversary of shoveling it blogging America, I am on vacation at an undisclosed location for the next week. One of my lackeys will be monitoring spam & changing the sheets every now & then. Have fun, & remember: if you can't change the world, change your hair color...
Posted by Jeff at 12:08 AM | Comments (18)
June 01, 2005
IN THE FUTURE, EVERYONE WILL BE HITLER FOR 15 MINUTES
Rick Santorum
compares Democrats to Hitler
Robert Byrd compares Republicans to Hitler
John Glenn compares Republicans to Hitler
Martha Stewart compared to Hitler
The Gallery of Bush=Hitler Allusions
George Soros: Worse than Hitler
North Korea compares Rumsfeld to Hitler
Hugo Chavez compares Spanish PM Jose Aznar to Hitler
Global warming worse than Hitler
"Look, he's a Hitler lover." Donald Trump on Pat Buchanan
Sharon is Hitler Clothing Line
Madonna compares AIDS & Hitler
Ted Turner compares CNN rival Fox to Hitler
Ad Compares Taiwanese President to Hitler
"Those who support
gay & lesbian families are no different from those who supported
Adolph Hitler."
Sheri
Drew, who ledng invocation at 2004 Republican Convention
Sean Penn compares Bill O'Reilly to Hitler
Czech PM compares Yasser Arafat to Hitler
British Foreign Secretary compares Saddam to Hitler
Robert Mugabe compares himself to Hitler
"The actions of the Hitler-like district attorney & his storm trooper henchmen are reprehensible." Phil Spector
Archbishop Desmond Tutu compares Israel to Hitler
Rumsfeld compares Zarqawi to Hitler
"First there was Herod, then there was Hitler & Stalin, & today unborn children are being killed in their millions." Cardinal Joachim Meisner
Ralph Peters compares Howard Dean to Hitler
Ross Perot compares Clinton to Hitler
Hawaii ACLU compares Clarence Thomas to Hitler
Justice Scalia worse than Hitler
“What is the difference between Lomborg's view of humanity & Hitler's?" UN official denounces The Skeptical Environmentalist
Truman compares Dewey to Hitler
Schwarzenegger: Hitler on Steroids
Michelle Malkin: the Filipina-American Hitler
Jawa Report: The Pope = Hitler
Beautiful Atrocities compared to Hitler
See also Hillary Duff is a Nazi; Compatibility of Hitler with Angelina Jolie
Posted by Jeff at 12:50 AM | Comments (78)