June 08, 2005
BEAUTIFUL ATROCITIES' ROOT CAUSES OF TERRORISM TIMELINE
450 million years ago: First cartilaginous fishes
240 million years ago: Gore Vidal born
6000 BC Sumerians invent beer in Fertile Crescent; Madonna born
2000 BC Gore Vidal publishes first of gazillion books blaming all world's problems on America; no one knows wtf he's talking about
800 BC Madonna's Smearing the Pap Tour & closes in Gomorrah: "tired" "too old" "same old crap"
600 BC Jewish captivity in Babylon; Madonna begins study of Kabbalah, typically ahead of pack, as it has not yet been codified
63 BC Roman conquest of Jerusalem
33 AD Crucifixion of Jesus
135 AD Destruction of Jerusalem, Diaspora begins
625 AD Mohammed weds 6-year-old child bride Aisha, beating out rival Woody Allen
650 AD Koran codified, banning alcohol. Mideast becomes official No-Fun Zone
650 AD Susan Lucci debuts as Erica on All My Children
732 AD French accidentally defeat Muslims at Tours
1096 Crusades launched in response to advance of Seljuks in East & Almoravids in Spain. Susan Lucci loses 500th Emmy nomination.
1200 AD - present Decline & ossification of Islam
1322 Liza marries Edward II: "He's no homo."
1517-1917 Ottoman Empire rules Judea / Samaria
1700 Age of Reason & scientific revolution; Islam misses train
1750 Industrial Revolution; Islam AWOL again
1776 American Revolution inaugurates 200+ year representative democracy
1789 French Revolution ends in tyranny
1882 First Zionists migrate to Mideast, fleeing Russian pogroms. Jews begin to purchase land from Arabs 1884 Liza marries Oscar Wilde: "100% man"
1917 Russian Revolution ends in tyranny
1924 Fundamentalist Wahhabi al Saud dynasty conquers Mecca & Medina, creating Saudi state
1939-45 Nazi Holocaust, 6 million Jews slaughtered; successful resistance in Finland, Italy, Bulgaria, & Denmark
1941 Grand Mufti has tea with Hitler: "Our fundamental condition for cooperating with Germany was a free hand to eradicate every last Jew from Palestine & the Arab world." Martha Stewart born.
1946 George Bush born; Louis Reard invents bikini
1948 UN partition of Palestine, birth of Israel; Arab League armies attack Israel, which kicks their asses
1949 Chinese Revolution ends in tyranny 1955 Liza marries J. Edgar Hoover: "He's a pile-driver!"
1959 Cuban Revolution ends in tyranny
1965 Days of Our Lives debuts on NBC; Dick Cheney marries Lynne Vincent
1967 Six Day War, Israel kicks ass. Cassandra Peterson becomes youngest Vegas showgirl at 16.
1969 Ted Kennedy hits speed bump on Martha's Vineyard; Elvis tells Cassandra Peterson to get out of Vegas
1973 Yom Kippur War, Israel kicks ass again. Susan Sontag invited to speak at Bennington by Camille Paglia, puts audience on life support with lugubrious existentialism
1976 Linda Ronstadt dates moonbat liberal Jerry Brown
1979 Iranian revolution ends in tyranny
1981 Cassandra Peterson renames herself Elvira, debuts on KHJ-TV in LA
1983 Linda Ronstadt dates moonbat liberal George Lucas
1988 Elvira: Mistress of the Dark released, Elvira-mania sweeps America
1993 Israel signs 'peace accord' with terrorist army, which turns West Bank & Gaza into armed camps. Transatlantic Battle of the Bitches faxfest between Julie Burchill & Camille Paglia.
1994 Sarah Michelle Gellar wins Emmy for All My Children, much to someone's displeasure; is quickly written off show
1999 Susan Lucci finally wins Emmy, no longer laughingstock of daytime TV
2000 Florida election fiasco; Al Gore drags judiciary into election, seeking recount in 4 counties he thinks he can win, a move he will later regret. Elvira on Hollywood Squares. Barak offers state to Palestinians. Arafat unleashes intifada, exploding Palestinian youths like party favors
2001 September 11th attacks on New York & the Pentagon; Congress grants military authority to President Bush with lone exception of Barbara Lee, who says we need to look at root causes of terrorism. American military topples Taliban in move Michael Moore vociferously opposed but now pretends he supported because he realizes it makes him look like an idiot.
2002 Liza marries David Gest, owner of world's largest collection of Shirley Temple memorabilia. Gore Vidal, world's oldest living organism, says Bush had advance knowledge of 9/11 attack & allowed it; also claims FDR allowed Pearl Harbor attack. Elvira's Haunted Hills goes straight to video. Mecca Cola debuts in France
2003 Bush launches Iraq War & deposes genocidal madman Saddam Hussein; liberals upset. Gaddafi shits his pants. Madonna's American Life flops; she prepares antiwar video, but think$ better of it. Al Gore & Courtney Love slide into insanity. David Gest humiliates self by claiming Liza beat the crap out of him.
2004 Beautiful Atrocities sweeps Drudge into recycle bin of history; Israel defeats intifada; Michael Moore groupie Linda Ronstadt causes riot with one too many tired encores of Desperado; free elections in Afghanistan; Yasser Arafat croaks, setting off power struggle between grieving widow Suha Arafat & PA cronies over purloined millions; Martha Stewart sent to snake pit. Despite best efforts, Dan Rather, not George Bush, becomes jobless
2005 Amnesty International laughingstock after comparing Gitmo to Stalin's slave-labor gulag that imprisoned 18 million people. Free elections in Iraq, pro-democracy demonstrations in Syria, Egypt, & Gulf States, 'Arab democracy' no longer oxymoron
Posted by Jeff at June 8, 2005 01:00 AM
Comments
Wow... we someone has been boning up on their history.
Masterful.
Posted by: torchpraise at June 7, 2005 08:11 PM
OK, now I know I love you. I'll be visiting in the autumn. Lunch?
Posted by: chileno at June 7, 2005 08:28 PM
You forgot Larry "Bud" Melman.
Posted by: CraigC at June 7, 2005 09:44 PM
Great History Line. Maybe you should have added the fact that it was Napoleon that brought the first printing press to Egypt and printed a Koran for the first time. Therefore, the French were the first to desecrate that holy book, literally hot off the press (no towels or gloves, etc.).
Also back in 1979, French infidels were allowed in Mecca to shoot up the place and get rid of the maniacs (maniac being a relative term in Saudi Arabia) that had taken over the great Mosque.
Posted by: John at June 8, 2005 06:53 AM
One of the best blog posts ever. Awesome!
Posted by: Uncle Mikey at June 8, 2005 08:08 AM
So where does the Fall of Andy Sullivan fit into all this?
(Ah - I see... nevermind...)
Posted by: Pappy at June 8, 2005 08:34 AM
You know, Jeff... you really need to stop making the rest of us bloggers look like amateurs. Well we are, but you know what I mean.
Also, i was curious where Al Sharpton and Jerry Falwell fit into the timeline. :)
-jen
Posted by: Jennfier at June 8, 2005 08:39 AM
Quality. You make humor an artform.
Poor Susan Lucci.
Posted by: KJ at June 8, 2005 08:59 AM
OMG, this is a wonderful post!
Were you possibly inspired by the proposed "Why They Hate Us and Why We Hate Ourselves...or, All Human Beings" building at the WTC?
Posted by: PJ at June 8, 2005 09:14 AM
Thanks. I was afraid the Martha Stewart part was extraneous
Posted by: beautifulatrocities at June 8, 2005 09:17 AM
Atrociously Beautiful,
Martha Stewart is never extraneous. Larry "Bud" Melman is, however.
"1948 UN partition of Palestine, birth of Israel; Arab League armies attack Israel, which [despite having a ratag bunch of ragamuffins posing as an army,] kicks their asses".
[1956 The Arabs, still smarting from their butt-whipping in '48, have another go at Israel. Given that they've upgraded to a real army, guess what happens?]
There. That looks better. Great post, anyway!!!
Posted by: PSGInfinity ![[TypeKey Profile Page]](/nav-commenters.gif)
at June 8, 2005 09:38 AM
Careful, America's elite tenured collective may bury you in the ground up to your head then commence with throwing the perfect-sized-for-maximum-effect stone for deviating from collective's concept of history.
That, or Madonna will force you to read her new book.
And don't you even think of calling upon Amnesty International for help, they don't like liberators.
Posted by: syn at June 8, 2005 09:57 AM
Gore Vidal is one of my favorite beautiful atrocities. The man is practically a composite sketch of everything that's loathsome about the trendy, intellectual Left, a more cerebral version of Paris Hilton.
Anyways, I think you reversed the first two events on that otherwise terrific timeline. Gore Vidal obviously preceded the first cartilaginous fish. The fish have backbones.
Posted by: utron at June 8, 2005 12:00 PM
I can't finish reading this. It's making my sides hurt and I'm about to lose my lunch from laughing. The image of a primeval Gore Vidal, like some bloated Darwinian Demiurge...I can't stand it.
Posted by: EssEm at June 8, 2005 01:48 PM
> 625 AD Mohammed weds 6-year-old child bride Aisha, beating out rival Woody Allen
I could easily be wrong on this, but isn't this argued as being an inaccurate artifact of the Muslims dating the age of a women from menarche, not birth? Hence, the girl in question would likely be 18 to 20, not 6.
Alternately, there are clearly potential sociopolitical reasons why one might "marry" an underage girl without actually intending to consummate it... so that even if she was six, it does not automatically mean he was a child molester....
Posted by: Vootie at June 8, 2005 03:51 PM
Very, very funny!
Is "Vootie" missing some blowfish?
Posted by: rimfirejones at June 8, 2005 04:12 PM
I loved it! Liza and Edward II....too, too good!*LOL*
Posted by: Lana at June 8, 2005 07:24 PM
I'm about to piss myself about the Liza/Oscar Wilde connection. Didn't Sean Connery play her in that one movie....
Posted by: sadie at June 8, 2005 11:34 PM
More French perfidy.
Any mention of Edward II reminds me that his pretty french wife (as portrayed in Braveheart) made Liza's beating of David gest look like foreplay.
She had Edward kidnapped and kept in such deplorable conditions that he was expected to die quickly. He din't. Since they din't want to violate his royal person (on the outside) they decided to stick a cow's horn up his rectum and through the horn they inserted a red hot poker. They would have blamed Edward's death on natural causes if it hadn't been for the villagers hearing his screams.
Posted by: John at June 9, 2005 06:37 AM
A big EFI salute Jeff.
Posted by: Pile On at June 9, 2005 08:24 AM
They would have blamed Edward's death on natural causes if it hadn't been for the villagers hearing his screams.
...thus leading to the eponymous curse so often heard today:
May your pretty French wife stick a cow's horn up your rectum and insert a red-hot poker into your nether regions...
You know, I always wondered where that old chestnut came from...
Posted by: Cassandra, snarking from the sidelines at June 9, 2005 11:39 AM
Totally. It reminds me of ... oh never mind
Posted by: beautifulatrocities at June 9, 2005 12:02 PM
Posts like this? Priceless.
I assume you did, indeed, refrain from manure slinging? :)
xoxo
Posted by: Margi at June 9, 2005 12:04 PM
Actually, Edward II's murder led to the famous phrase, much beloved by Quentin Tarantino, "Going medieval on your ass."
Posted by: john at June 9, 2005 01:02 PM
Bee. You. Tee. Full.
Is Gore Vidal still among the living?
Posted by: superhawk at June 9, 2005 01:26 PM
In a manner of speaking
Posted by: beautifulatrocities at June 10, 2005 05:09 PM
J. Edgar and Martha in same artful extravaganza??
How about a remake of "The Omen" in Oman; and with J. Edgar in a burkha?? Or not.
ps. Liza marries Martha Stewart. "Oh, what she learned in prison."
Posted by: Tom v G at June 11, 2005 07:33 PM
I was getting a big kick out of your comments until I read on. I think you are a funny, bright individual. But, why can't you keep it non-partisan? You would have a much bigger audiance.
Posted by: Betsy at June 14, 2005 08:00 PM