May 10, 2005
ORLANDO BLOOM: A STAR IS BORN
The critics rave over Orlando Bloom in Kingdom of Heaven:
UK Telegraph: "More than just a pretty face. He's a pretty torso
too."
New Yorker: "Rouses the tremulous defenders of Jerusalem with all the assurance of a head prefect addressing a school assembly."
Seattle Weekly: "Our hero is no man's man Г la Crowe but a f*cking elf: Orlando Bloom looks like someone Hilary Swank would KO with one punch. The quarterback of my Ridgecrest Elementary football team had bigger balls."
Spliced Wire: "Bloom's wallpaper performance won't hold the attention of anyone who doesn't have his pin-up plastered around her bedroom."
AP: "He's just too pretty."
Salon: "Although good-looking in a the dog ate my homework kind of way ... when he his mouth, a painstakingly noble squeak comes out."
SF Bay Guardian: "May be heavenly blessed, but damn, he's boring."
Steve Rhodes: "Eva Green, as his love interest, is so incredibly awful that Bloom's acting does appear a bit better in comparison."
Carrie Rickey: "A Shetland pony among stallions."
Boston Globe: "Seems like a man holding the fort for a genuine star who never arrives."
NY Daily News: "Orlando Bloom would have trouble filling even Colin Farrell's sandals."
Orlando online fan clubs, however, are metastasizing:
Orlando Bloom iz Mine! "AINT THAT MAN HOT?!?!?! WELL IN MY
OPINION HE IS SOOOO FINE. ORLANDO IF YOU READ THIS I LOVE YOU!"
I luv Orlando Bloom: "Um i just started this page today so it'z probably gonna suck but give me sum time & I'll try to improve it."
Whispers of Orlando Bloom: "Heard any whispering's about Orlando? Do you want to???? Here's one...Orlando, doesn't like girl's who smoke. Let's WHISPER about Orlando!!"
Sprinkles of Orlando Bloom: "We'll 'sprinkle' a little of Orlando everywhere! Dana & Linda. SPRINKLE ME WITH ORLANDO!!!"
Orlando Bloom World: "You are the Proud Owner of Orlando Bloom's Mouth! Get ready for some of the most heavenly kisses on the planet. "
Fruit of the Bloom: "Daaaang! Orlando could catch a wet match on fire!! The man is HOT HOT HOT HOT HOT!!!"
LandWS Bloom Room: "Join us in worshiping, idolising & generally adoring the God-that-walks-as-a-man otherwise known as Orlando Bloom."
Orlando is Bloomin Gorgeous: "A place to drool over the fabulous Orlando Bloom, with optional drool buckects!!"
Orlandoism: "If you love/worship/adore Orli, than you are more than welcome. If you don't, I don't know whats wrong with you, & whatever it is... FIX IT!"
LOTRstuff:
"Orlando Bloom is a GOD! Black beans taste like CRAP!!!!! Lol! moving
on..."
I hate Orlando Bloom: "Do you have a funny or embarrasing picture of him you would like to sare with your fellows at arms in this war against this horible man."
Orlando Bloom rocks: "Hi this is the group manager Briana, but you can call me Bri. No flaming anyone, but you can flame on Kate Bosworth."
Orlijah: "A group for fan fiction that depicts Orlando Bloom & Elijah Wood as a couple. That means slash! *grin*"
Our Orlando Bloom Group: "Flamming of Kate Bosworth welcomed."
Orlando iz hottest: "You MUST be dedicated for life to ORLANDO BLOOM. if your not your a LOSER."
Elf Obsessed: "If Orlando was really in love with Kate, then why did he dodge cars & leave about 1 mile of distance between Hiself, & Kate when a paparazzi saw them?"
We Dislike Kate Bosworth: "WE ARE TIRED OF BEING TOLD TO SHUT UP WHEN WE SAY SOMETHING BAD ABOUT HER!"
Love for Legolas: "we're always here for you to gush & salivate over him until you get him out of your system - yeah, right, as if."
Orlandoholoics: "We here at Orlandoholics Anonymous helps detox those who suffer from symptoms of Obsessive Fangirlism. These symptoms include: Constant drooling, squeeling, ogleing, eyeballing, cat fighting, & screaming "I LOVE YOU ORLI!" or "MARRY ME!"
Whorlie: "This is a group if you are a Orlando Bloom Whore. If this squicks you, you may leave."
Posted by Jeff at May 10, 2005 09:17 AM
Comments
SPRINKLE ME WITH ORLANDO!!!
Dibs on the CafePress shirt.
Posted by: Hubris at May 10, 2005 10:13 AM
Ok dude, I'm here to tell you that you have a fucking PROBLEM.
Posted by: Bill from INDC at May 10, 2005 10:15 AM
Nothing that couldn't be solved by the elfin magic contained within just a light dusting of ORLANDO.
Posted by: Hubris at May 10, 2005 10:18 AM
Oh, I'm getting the feeling that Jeff wants a "light dusting of ORLANDO," alright.
Which when you think about it, calls his homosexuality into question.
Posted by: Bill from INDC at May 10, 2005 10:20 AM
Please no flamming of the host. Flame on Kate Bosworth
Posted by: beautifulatrocities ![[TypeKey Profile Page]](/nav-commenters.gif)
at May 10, 2005 10:22 AM
I'm a Kate Bosworth Whore, so I don't know if I can do that.
Posted by: Hubris at May 10, 2005 10:27 AM
I'm not sure I've really seen him act--but he's certainly athletic, given the stunts he pulled off in LOTR, and all that great swordwork (yeah, yeah) in Pirates of the Caribbean.
And he's cute. Maybe not in a Brad Pitt kind of way, but cute. I'd probably hit it.
Please go on, though: you're making me laugh.
Actually, I'd like to see you smite the pretender with the Sword (yeah, yeah) of Acting Righteousness!
Posted by: Attila Girl at May 10, 2005 10:56 AM
I think one of those bottoms ones was written by my 15 year old. She is in that phase where she likes men who look like pretty girls.
I think the big problem with Orlando isn't that he cannot act, it is that he is just so damn young. Why do they have to try and make this guy carry a film? Just keep putting him with Depp or whoever for another decade. Hell, Brad Pitt is just now doing movies with ONLY himself as the male lead and he is 40something.
Posted by: Jennfier at May 10, 2005 11:14 AM
Well, but it's his fault for having bad judgment. At least let him try to carry a romantic comedy before he tries to carry an epic!
When Julia Roberts won the Oscar, Sandra Bullock said she didn't envy her because when you're that hot, people offer you everything, even if you're not right for it
He's turning into Helena Bonham Carter: an actor who never appears in contemporary clothes
Posted by: beautifulatrocities at May 10, 2005 11:20 AM
HA!
And you couldn't have a less commanding commander than Orlando Bloom. The quarterback of my Ridgecrest Elementary football team had bigger balls (actually, he later joined the NFL). The moviemakers are so mealymouthed that Balian essentially rallies his troops with the rousing cry, "Try to stay alive so we can all surrender to Saladin and maybe he'll let us go home with our tail between our legs!" The goody-two-shoes persona of Bloom is appropriate for the part. What a pusillanimous pussy! If you put Gibson or Crowe on a scale opposite Bloom, it would catapult him right out of the picture. As a war hero, Orlando Bloom reminds me of the nickname Truman Capote's father gave him: Little Miss Mouse Fart.
Posted by: Bill from INDC at May 10, 2005 11:55 AM
I hadn't thought about the period clothing! Hahaha. Let him wear some damn levi's and carry a movie, then we can respect him!
Posted by: Jennfier at May 10, 2005 12:48 PM
This is a sad, sad day... I had to put up with one of my 36 y.o. co-workers drooling over Legolas. I thought I'd be safe here.
He is cute in a milk-and-cookies sort of way AG but it would feel like child abuse.
Posted by: Cassandra at May 10, 2005 04:10 PM
As far as Kingdom is concerned, he actually spends most of the movie just looking confused and with the plot of this movie that may be for a good reason.
As for his acting and screen presence in general, I don't think he'll ever have the right charisma or chops to carry any movie. Age won't help. It's a rare quality that great actors have and Bloom just doesn't have it. Even Pitt and Depp in their early movies had it. I don't think he ever will. Hell, even the guy in the mask showed more acting ability.
Posted by: joy at May 10, 2005 05:37 PM
Good point. He's shown no danger of stealing any scenes so far. He should switch to romantic comedy, he might show a different range, but seems trapped in historical epics
Posted by: beautifulatrocities at May 10, 2005 05:48 PM
He is a 'delicate-faced boy,' as Tim Blair would say, the perfect squishy hero of ennui and self-loathing...okay, or he's just not right for the part. He has all the nobility of a Keane painting.
And Eva Green was last seen wandering around The Dreamers naked and stoned, so perhaps this clothed speaking role will prove her undoing.
Posted by: PJ at May 10, 2005 06:52 PM
Blegh! Worse still, Orlandoh is starring in a French Art-house film about Paris.
Posted by: scottm at May 10, 2005 06:53 PM
I agree with all the Orlando bashing, and then, I got a frightening thought.
What if, like Frank Sinatra, he fills out and develops a personality change from skinny wimp to commanding presence. I love the way things turned out for Frank (and us) but I'd hate to put up with more Bloomy sword and sandal epics.
Posted by: John at May 10, 2005 07:56 PM
I particularly appreciate what Osama had to say about him...
Posted by: Martin at Blogbat at May 10, 2005 08:23 PM
you make me love him more.
http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v666/hawhaw/lj_orly.jpg
Posted by: wah at May 10, 2005 08:38 PM
In addition to the cringeworthy grammatical errors, aren't all the drooling, pro-Bloom excerpts supposed to end with "LOL!"? Hasn't some rule of the universe now been violated?
Posted by: Logical Meme at May 10, 2005 09:06 PM
Jeff, I'm thinking that what I mentioned to you before is proving itself to be true...;-)
I mean who really comments on Orlando Bloom???
Hmmmm????
Posted by: Rightwingsparkle at May 10, 2005 09:49 PM
Jeff is a self-hating slim, wiry-but-muscular guy. And it
shows . . . [running and ducking]
Cassie, it wouldn't feel like child abuse. Rather, like a special time when an older woman is willing to school a young man in the arts of love (first checking his ID to make sure he's safe; I have claustrophobia, so I cannot go to prison or even jail). Really: I'd be providing his future girlfriends with a very valuable service.
Posted by: Attila Girl at May 11, 2005 12:45 AM
Mrs. Robinson????
Posted by: Rightwingsparkle at May 11, 2005 07:33 AM
What's with all the bashers? Orlando's still really a kid when it comes to Hollywood, but I think if you really pay attention to what he says verses what other actors say (not ALL, just some) I'd say Orlando truly enjoys what he does. Isn't that what having a job is about? Frankly, the way it sounds, I don't think Orlando really cares what people think about him, as long as he gets to do what he loves. Ya kno? Personally, I love the guy do pieces. I think he has real potential. Even my mom says so, and that's a first. She hates everyone I like... As for the Kate Bosworth bashers... well, I'm not gonna bother you. I mean, I liked Blue Crush. She was good. I just don't think they make the cutest couple in the world... *funny face* Okay. I dislike her greatly, too.
Posted by: Krys at July 10, 2005 09:10 PM
I think Orlnado Bloom is VERY sexy!
Posted by: Emily at August 14, 2005 01:22 PM
Above are comments from people who worship a man who's name has to do with flowers.
Posted by: Erin Degutis at October 23, 2005 05:15 PM
he a fucking bitch Ewen McGagor is hoter then him!
Posted by: my butt itches at November 11, 2005 04:35 PM
hes a pritty boy and he sucks
Posted by: jill at November 13, 2005 04:24 PM
Orlando is a very talented actor. He is also a regular person just like you or me. Would you go around bad-mouthing everyone just because they were more popular, better looking, or nicer than you. I know some of you would but they deserve to have the same chances. Don't be cruel because you are jealous.
Posted by: GodzGurl at November 21, 2005 02:48 PM