« April 2005 | Main | June 2005 »
May 31, 2005
BAD NEWS FROM LIBYA: A ROUNDUP OF THE LATEST APPALLING EVENTS IN GADDAFI-LAND
Caving to
blackmail, Bulgarian president Georgi Parvanov,
announced Bulgaria would pay for the treatment of hundreds of children
Libya claims were infected with HIV by 5 Bulgarian nurses & a Palestinian
doctor on orders from the Mossad & CIA. Met at the Tripoli airport by
protesters (Death devils should be punished!), Parvanov
visited children in Benghazi hospital, & made a visit to a local
cemetery.
Libya's faux-Supreme Court was set to rule today on the nurses' appeal of their death sentence, but pushed the ruling out to Nov. 15, presumably so Gaddafi can continue extorting money (he previously asked for compensation equal to the $2.7 billion he paid for the Lockerbie bombing). The nurses have spent 6 years in prison on trumped-up charges & confessions they say were extracted by torture, beatings, & rape. Libyan Foreign Minister said executions could be avoided if all parties compromised: "What are we going to gain if they are shot to death?"
In London, Gaddafi the Opera has been postponed until the 2006 season: "It is clear we now have something very special on our hands."
¶ France says it's ready to assist Libya with its nuclear program. It's unclear why Libya, a major oil producer, would need nuclear power, but Chirac has a history of assisting oil-rich Arab tyrants with nuclear egos. In 1974, he brokered a deal to sell up-&-coming madman Saddam Hussein a nuclear reactor, although in 1981 this reactor came to an untimely end.
¶
Seif Gaddafi says Libya will soon have an embassy in Washington,
& the US one in Tripoli. This despite the fact that Libya remains on the
list of state sponsors of terrorism, &
FBI records support Saudi allegations Colonel Gaddafi masterminded a bungled
assassination plot against Crown Prince Abdullah in 2003 after a spat at the Arab League conference.
This hasn't dissuaded Democratic Rep. Tom Lantos, who introduced a bill to remove Libya from the terror list. In Jordan, Seif said Libya was willing to talk to Israel, & dismissed rumors of succession: "I don't think the Libyan people are going to accept me because of my personality - I'm very fast, very radical."
¶ In Paris, dissolute wastrel Hannibal Gaddafi was given a 4 month suspended prison sentence & fined $628 for beating his pregnant girlfriend in a February incident in which Gaddafi brandished an unlicensed pistol & smashed up the furniture in a Paris hotel. Last year, a drunken Gaddafi was stopped driving the wrong way down the Champs Elysees at 100mph, leading to a fight between his bodyguards & French police. Gaddafi has appealed the sentence.
Soccer wannabe Saadi Gaddafi has given up his plans for a takeover of Manchester United, & is now focusing on Juventus: "I told my father it would be like buying the Church of England."
¶ Colonel Gaddafi to sue Amnesty International for claiming Libya continues to jail, torture, & execute political prisoners. Amnesty also criticized the US, comparing Guantanamo to the Soviet gulag, the system of slave-labor camps that held 18 million people. Libya also criticized by Human Rights Watch.
¶ Malta fishermen asked the EU to impose sanctions on Libya in response to its claim of international waters as a 'conservation zone,' which amounts to a windfall for Seif Gaddafi, who owns fishing company RH Marine.
¶ At home, Libyans struggling with unemployment: "Previously, everyone who graduated from high school or universities was employed by the state." Libyans also slammed with price increases as the country ends subsidies & moves towards privatization. Recently, the price of fuel jumped 30%, & the price of electricity doubled.
Posted by Jeff at 12:40 AM | Comments (4)
May 30, 2005
ISLAMOBABE OF THE WEEK: QUEEN RANIA
Posted by Jeff at 03:44 PM | Comments (9)
JD NATASHA: IMPERFECT
JD Natasha is a 17yo rocker
from Miami set to sweep Avril Lavigne into the remaindered bin of
history. Born of an Argentine father & Cuban - American mother, she writes in both
English & Spanish. Her debut CD, Imperfect, was a smash hit
across Latin America, named by Emilio Estefan - the Quincy Jones of
Latin music - as one of the best CDs of the year.
Real name: Natasha Jeanette Duenas. Favorite videos: Close to Me by The Cure & Heart-Shaped Box by Nirvana. She's been playing piano since third grade, & learned guitar from a musical aunt who was a fan of rock & taught Natasha 3 chords. At 16, she formed a band with her girlfriends called Wrewind. Her big break came when her father bragged about her at his hair salon, & a client took a demo to her next-door neighbor, the head of EMI Latin. Watch out Shakira, JD Natasha is going to get you. VIDEO OF IMPERFECT. AUDIO INTERVIEW. OFFICIAL SITE.
Posted by Jeff at 12:39 PM | Comments (4)
BLOGGER MAKES GOOD: JANE NOVAK TRASHED IN YEMEN TIMES
Posted by Jeff at 11:39 AM | Comments (1)
May 28, 2005
A MESSAGE FROM JENNIFER ANISTON
Hi, I'm Jennifer Aniston.
I've gotten a lot of shit for saying
Bush is
a f*cking idiot, but I don't care. I opposed the illicit
war on Iraq as a betrayal of the sacred covenant
of the United Nations, an extracurricular attempt
to sex up Bush's reelection campaign. The lying scumbag is
divorced from reality, unfaithful to international
law, & his three-inch ego has a pathetic need to show off
his big artillery. Well you know what? It's not that big.
I know you're thinking, Oh, Jennifer's so gorgeous, she must be as deep as a puddle. Let me tell you, life hasn't been easy for me. I was raised in the shadow of my father, who plays Victor on Days of Our Lives. Try living up to that. And it wasn't easy being 'the pretty one' on Friends. Courtney Cox & Matt LeBlanc were pretty steamed about that.
Now that I'm a film icon, I think my work - Along Came Polly, Bruce Almighty - takes the high road compared to most cheap Hollywood gutter trash, like Lara Croft & Alexander. Mark my words, I'll still be around long after that kind of vulgar talentless rubbish has been cast aside onto the skank-heap of history. Did I mention George Bush is a f*cking idiot?
Posted by Jeff at 04:37 PM | Comments (30)
JUST SAY NO TO ANTS
Dear Bug Doctor,The other day I spilled a quantity of methamphetamine on the kitchen table. I managed to snurfle most of it up, but a few hours or days later - it's all a blur - I noticed that ants had swarmed on it. For a brief period, they became highly agitated - they managed to make off with several food-encrusted kitchen appliances - & then they died. In their tracks. Happily, I' m no longer bothered by ants, & am curious if meth is considered a good pesticide.
Pest Free
Dear Pest Free,Unless you're getting a good bulk discount, there are cheaper ways to control ants. Cleanliness, for one. There are surprisingly few studies on the recreational vs. toxic levels of methamphetamine in ants, but it's possible they were killed by the drug's usual adulterants: fertilizer, Drano, turpentine, battery acid, strychnine, antifreeze, & ammonia. This is why it's important you purchase it from reputable gangsters, preferably organic, or set up your own lab in your bathtub or gazebo. Think globally, tweak locally.
Posted by Jeff at 01:41 PM | Comments (5)
May 26, 2005
EXCLUSIVE: DELETED SCENES FROM STAR BORES WARS
Posted by Jeff at 02:26 PM | Comments (0)
TALK ABOUT WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION
Posted by Jeff at 11:56 AM | Comments (9)
SADDAM HUSSEIN, MILF
Beautiful Atrocities
condemns the humiliation of genocidal mass-murdering scumbag Saddam
Hussein by the US Army. The man is a POW, not
some lingerie model, some rump roast, some
Jeff Gannon
for cheap titillation. Such outrages only make people in
foreign countries - Manhattan & Hollywood - think poorly of us, & make
people who already hate us - the UN, Newsweek - hate us
even more.
It also sends the wrong message to other genocidal mass-murdering scumbags. You can bet Kim Jong Il isn't walking around with skid marks after this latest fiasco, & only the harshest shape-enhancing skivvies are hugging Robert Mugabe's succulent thighs. The glorious insurgents are no doubt poring over International Male, lest their families in Lahore & Mogadishu & Whositstan be shamed & shunned:
"My name Ikday. We are refugee. We flee our home after our meathead son become Page 3 girl in last year's tired old JC Penney knockoffs. Death to America!"
If you think any of this is remotely funny, tell me, are you wearing fresh underwear? Are you even wearing underwear?? Could you grab your ankles without showing tire tracks? How would you feel if, after murdering 250,000 people, attacking 4 of your neighbors, & enduring tea with Sean Penn, your tight white ass was flashed from here to Alpha Centauri?
What next, enter your credit card for a few hot ones with Dr. Germ? Video of Chemical Ali dry-humping his pillow, like he's not the Goebbels of Iraq but Vince Neil or Paris Hilton? Osama bin Laden in a rubber diaper? Zarqawi bukkake? GENOCIDAL MASS-MURDERING SCUMBAGS ARE PEOPLE TOO.
Related: Baldilocks agrees with us. See also Compare & Contrast
Posted by Jeff at 07:59 AM | Comments (17)
HELP FOR LAME-ASS PREMATURE EJACULATORS
Posted by Jeff at 07:52 AM | Comments (2)
May 25, 2005
CAN SOMEONE THROW ME A GODDAMN BONE?
It's bad enough that some obsessed, probably dangerously unbalanced fan has set up an online shrine to Josh the Conjecturer. Meanwhile, Sullywatch is entirely devoted to chronicling the madness of Andrew Sullivan, just as Donald Luskin performs a daily post-mortem on the psychopathology of Paul Krugman.
Now some nitwit's set up a Pile On for President blog, in honor of Pile On of the world-famous Ebb & Flow Institute. I guess that would make me refried crap on toast, huh? Hmmph. Beautiful Atrocities now accepting applications for cybergroupies, loyal minions, dull-witted stooges, deranged stalkers and/or suicidal devotees who worship me as a god.
Posted by Jeff at 08:53 PM | Comments (16)
BOMBAY ROCKERS: ROCK THA PARTY
Bombay Rockers sound
Indian, but are Danish duo Thomas Sardorf & Navtej Singh Rehal. Sardorf
was a producer who teamed up with Navtej & came up with their Indo-Pop
sound, a mix of bhangra (Punjabi folk) & hip-hop. Navtej is a
Punjabi Sikh born & raised in Denmark. Their first single, Ari Ari,
was the rage in Danish dance clubs, & their latest single, Rock tha
Party, was a hit in Europe & the CD has spent 10 weeks at #1 in
India. Video
here & here.
Posted by Jeff at 12:37 PM | Comments (82)
THIS IS YOUR WAR
One of the best written milblogs, by an Army infantryman in Iraq whose prose snaps, crackles, & pops with poetic details of life on patrol.
"Tonight the clouds created a roof over the earth, the distant lights of Baghdad reflected off the undersides of the clouds. The wind carried the muted sounds of conversations & the occasional bark of laugher. The palms scraped & rustled against each other. Hushed voices from the night, trying to tell me something, but just out of hearing.
"I don't really mind guard duty. It gives me time to myself & time to think, except when you are fighting to stay awake because you haven't slept in days & have been moving hard. I've spent shifts stabbing myself in the hand just to keep my eyes
"Or it's raining & you're soaked, fingers numb, nose running, the wind tearing through you, cutting exposed skin like knives. Then you just retreat inside, shut down your higher senses, & wait it out like a beast of the field. I've seen plenty of good Soldiers defeated by their own minds. Driven to the point of madness by being miserable."
Posted by Jeff at 12:35 PM | Comments (2)
US OUT OF MY GAY UTERUS
With the advent of a prenatal test for the
gay gene, gay
rights leaders dropped their support for abortion & marched on
Washington, chanting DON'T FLUSH DIVERSITY DOWN THE DRAIN. Barbara Boxer
introduced federal legislation to make aborting a gay fetus a hate crime
punishable by death. "The freedom to choose is precious," she said.
"Except when it's not."
A pro-abortion counter-march was led by Maggie Gallagher, the Rev. Fred Phelps, & Dr. James Dobson. "Abortion sounds so oogly," Gallagher said. "Let's just call it a nip & tuck." Phyllis Schlafley suggested setting up federally funded gay orphanages, preferably in Thailand.
A confused Rosie O'Donnell ran madly from one march to the other, babbling regrettable free verse. Gay leaders, panicked at the thought of imminent extinction - as well as a badly decorated & shabbily dressed future - urged homos to lay the pipe with dykes to make gay babies: "We must renounce homosexuality in order to save it!"
Tony Kushner announced a new anti-abortion play, Splooge, & Hollywood launched a series of Oscar-hopeful socially-conscious movies: Bad Mother, Stupid Bitch, Murder in My Pants. Dr. Laura demanded over-the-counter access to RU-486, & said women would eat nails rather than give birth to a pole-smoker. "In the future," she predicted, "homosexuality will be strictly a Third World thing, like merengue & malnutrition."
Hat tip: Keith Burgess-Jackson
Posted by Jeff at 12:18 AM | Comments (15)
I WANT TO BE PARIS HILTON
Posted by Jeff at 12:16 AM | Comments (11)
May 24, 2005
SOPHISTICATED EUROPE: FALLACI ON TRIAL
"WWII Resistance fighter & war correspondent Oriana Fallaci to face trial for insulting the Muslim faith in her latest book. The president of the Muslim Union of Italy says Ms Fallaci has been advocating & spreading hate against Islam & Muslims."
Europe discovered the New World in 1492. When will it stumble across the First Amendment? UPDATE: The silence from the effete literati – about a fellow writer charged with expressing politically incorrect opinions – is thunderous. Just as Hollywood liberals had nothing to say about a Dutch filmmaker murdered for the same thing.
Posted by Jeff at 01:27 PM | Comments (11)
GUESS I'LL STOP MY SELF-PITYING WHINING...
Posted by Jeff at 01:08 PM | Comments (6)
THE UNDOCUMENTED WAR
NPR has a hair-raising account of illegal immigration on the US/Mexican border, The Undocumented War, with writer Charles Bowden, who has a voice out of Raymond Chandler & lays out the horror of the desert crossing:
"You can't watch this & see it happening, & think anything is going right in Mexico economically. Nobody'd go through this hell if they had a choice. It's a war zone, only nobody'll admit it's a war, & nobody has the decency or honesty to even count the casualties.
"These people that are risking their lives tonight to cross this desert, when they get to their Chicago, or Los Angeles, or North Carolina, will send more money back to Mexico next year than Mexico will make by selling oil.
"You take a man, you put him 300 yards south of here, & he can't find a job, he can barely feed himself. You move him across this desert, you get him to an American city, Mexico no longer has to feed him, & he becomes a major source of wealth because he sends money home to try to take care of people who are left behind.
"So a 135 lb man is a liability to the Mexican government, but if they can just move him across the fence, he becomes a money pump, like a private ATM that sustains their society. Mexico's finally found a product that makes it money: expelling its own citizens into a foreign country."
Posted by Jeff at 09:12 AM | Comments (8)
A MESSAGE FROM BARBARA BOXER
Hello. I'm Barbara Boxer. Today. The Senate.
Reached an historic.
Bipartisan. Agreement. Which preserves. The integrity. Of the. Judicial.
Process. Which means. We Democrats. Bent over. And assumed. The
position.
If you're wondering. Why. I'm talking. This way. It's how. You talk. So it sounds. Like you're saying. Something. Important. When really. I'm blowing. Smoke rings. Outta my ass.
It hurts. So. Good.
See also Wrong Theory, Wrong Species
Posted by Jeff at 06:26 AM | Comments (5)
Q: When calling 'repair' for your phone line, do you find yourself screaming incoherently at some poor schmuck in a Third World call center, whose only crime is not knowing what the f*ck he's talking about?
Posted by Jeff at 06:00 AM | Comments (5)
May 23, 2005
K-MARO: FEMME LIKE U
Born Cyril Kamar in Beirut January 31, 1980, K-Maro is
a young Arab rapper.
As a child, he was one of several Cyrils in class, so classmates called
him by his last name, which morphed into K-Maro. His family
endured 10 years of civil war before moving to Paris, & K-Maro later
moved to Montreal. His first Canadian hit was with an R&B group called
LMDS (Les messangeurs du son) & in 2004 had a solo hit in Europe
with a song called Femme Like You, currently #1 in Israel.
VIDEO HERE.
Posted by Jeff at 05:52 PM | Comments (8)
THEOCRACY UNDERGROUND MEETS AT STARBUCKS
Posted by Jeff at 02:49 PM | Comments (0)
DESECRATION WATCH: GANESH BEER
An
Indian law student is filing a $1 billion class action suit for
emotional distress over a brewery's depiction of a Hindu god on
its India Pale Ale label. Brij Dhir says the depiction of the
elephant-head god Ganesh holding a glass of beer
in his trunk is a hate
crime & told a newspaper it intimidates Hindus from practicing
their religion.
Lost Coast Brewery, a small Northern California 'woman-owned' microbrewery, is pulling the beer off the market but Dhir says that's not good enough:
"They want to withdraw it after their contractual obligations. In the meantime we have to suffer it? We want to go ahead with this case & create a precedent for future generations."
Also named as defendants: Safeway, the state Department of Fair Employment & Housing, & the Attorney General's Office, which Dhir says failed to respond to his complaints. It's unclear whether the small brewery, founded by 2 women in 1986, is going to pony up $1 billion for the suffering inflicted on Hindus worldwide.
Ganesh class action suits would seem to be a growth industry, as an internet search shows the market is teeming with hate crimes:
Milk Chocolate Ganesh; Ganesh Idol Made of 1500 Soda Bottles; Ganesh Dollar Bill Origami; Ganesh Lunchbox; Ganesh Chewing Tobacco; Ganesh Car Air Freshener; Ganesh Trucker Hat; Ganesh Ringtones; Ganesh Birthday Cake Topper; Ganesh Backless Babelicious Hoodie; Ganesh Skateboard; What Would Ganesh Do? Totebag; Ganesh Coaster (with shocking photo underneath BEER MUG)
Posted by Jeff at 09:04 AM | Comments (18)
May 21, 2005
AND NOW FOR ANOTHER POINT OF VIEW...
SWISH
Star Wars is So Horrible: "We are at the helm of a diverse,
multi-racial, multi-gender, multi-age, multi-height, multi-talented,
multi-multi movement of people mobilized against Star Wars."
Offers clothing line.
Star Wars is Satan's Tool: "This is no mindless entertainment, but an attempt by DEMONS to distract you from your real mission on planet Earth, to give yourself to Jesus! Do not trust a Yodah [sic] puppet from Satan’s dream factory, trust in the Word of the Bible!" Related: Life Sized Satanic Doll Serves As Masturbation Toy For America's Youth
78 Reasons to Hate Episode I Reason #14: "How can there always be a bigger fish? It's a lot like God making a boulder so heavy that he couldn't lift it. I think this will one day be the focus of a great deal of University philosophical debate."
64 Reasons to Hate Episode II Reason #8 Jedispeak: " "Master Yoda, we're out of Pop Tarts." "Oooh? So certain are you? Always the Pop Tarts can not be found." "But I looked in the cupboard & it's empty." "Empty the cupboard is not. Absent of food it is. As 'empty' the same it is not."
50 Reasons Why Jedi Sucks Reason #4: "It's just a bunch of Muppets!"
40 Reasons Why the Franchise is from the Dark Side Reason #3 The Woodenness: "As Harrison Ford said to Lucas, You can type this shit, George, but you sure can't say it."
Star Wars Bites Ass Latest message: "Check out this drunk girl..."
Star Wars Episode I - It Sucks So Bad: "What is this crap with the midichlorians??"
Anti-Luke "This is a club for those of us that have hated Luke Skywalker since he whined about having to 'Go to the tachi station to pick up some power converters.'"
Why Star Wars Sucks: "Do yourself a favor, go watch a real classic like Spaceballs."
Maddox on Episode I: "What's with Darth Maul dying? I thought he'd be murdering children & lepers throughout the whole movie, but he turns out to be some nancy boy that gets his ass kicked."
Star Wars
Sucks T-Shirts: "Our printers refused to make it for fear of being sued."
Can Episode III Be Saved?: "Fire Lucas as director. Fire Lucas the writer, who has not come up with a single witty phrase in 4 hours of prequel. Fire Hayden Christensen, whose single emotive capacity is sullen petulance. Get rid of Natalie Portman, who has all the regal presence of a mallrat shopping at her local Fashion Bug."
Angry Reviews "Stupid movies really PISS me off! Especially Star Wars. This group might as well be called I HATE STAR WARS!"
F*ck Star Wars: "star wars sucks major balls, i cant stand u people who enjoy this shit. u should all eat shit & die."
Attack of the Star Wars Holiday Special: Little-known embarrassment that aired only once, Nov.17, 1978. Mind-boggling supporting cast includes Art Carney, Bea Arthur, & Harvey Korman. Also SW Holiday Special: "We feel that there are a lot of good or enjoyable aspects about the Holiday Special that are often overlooked."
How A Nice Little Saga About Fatherly Love Became An Elitist's Indoctrination Hate Screed: Ewoks ("merchandise pornography); Jar Jar Binks ("I be so happy to be yo' niggah, boss!); C-3PO ("Would someone mind explaining how C-3PO could forget to mention he had been created by Darth Vader & knew all about his turn to evil?") UPDATE: For last point, see Ace's #6 item here
How to Deal With Star Wars Fanatics: "Make unsettling insinuations about George Lucas. Try Isn't he involved in some sort of DNA-cloning controversy? or I hear he only talks to his mother via a TV monitor, or I read he said Star Wars was written for people who hate sex."
The Jar Jar Hate Ring Includes Die Jar Jar Binks, Die; National Assn for the Extermination of the Gungun Race; Jar Jar Binks Ate My Balls
Star Wars Despots vs Star Trek Populists: "Why is George Lucas peddling an elitist, anti-democratic agenda under the guise of escapist fun?"
Star Wars Widows: Ex-wife: "I grew to hate it. We never did anything together anymore. He always had a Star Wars excuse for everything."
Why Star Wars Sucks: "I'd rather watch Howard The Duck!"
Revenge of the Stiff: "George Lucas could release a film of himself taking a big, steaming dump onto the face of a bound, naked Cub Scout, & the dorks of the world would proclaim it epochal & timeless."
New Yorker: "A distinct improvement on the last 2 episodes, in the same way that dying from natural causes is preferable to crucifixion."
Debra Saunders: "If only Hitler had sired a son. Then, after the Blitzkrieg & the Holocaust, Hitler might have had that redefining moment that would have gotten him in touch with his paternal inner self."
The Parade of Unfortunate Star Wars Costumes
Posted by Jeff at 01:35 PM | Comments (29)
May 20, 2005
MARILYN MANSON: THE NOBODIES
Be afraid: a remixed version of Marilyn Manson's 2001 song The Nobodies is a hit in Europe, with a rerelease of the sensational Grand Guignol video. Manson altered the video slightly, & deleted shots of former bandmembers Twiggy Ramirez & John 5. Watch the video (works best in IE). (Low res versions here)
Posted by Jeff at 10:23 PM | Comments (3)
WHO CARES????
Further reaction: BWAHAHAHAHAHA! Related: Moderate Muslim Alert!
Confidential to Saddam Hussein: forget about the lawsuit. You'll be swinging from a gibbet before it's ever settled...
Posted by Jeff at 06:12 PM | Comments (3)
CATFIGHT!!!! (via Spirit Fingers)
I HATE CAMERON DIAZ See also I Hate Cameron Diaz Too
THE NEW IMPROVED KELLY OSBOURNE (via Ghost)
THE BALLAD OF TIM BLAIR & MARGO KINGSTON
HILARIOUS VIDEO: THE LAST WORD ON STAR BORES WARS
Posted by Jeff at 10:30 AM | Comments (0)
May 19, 2005
FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO NEED A DEMO
Posted by Jeff at 12:10 PM | Comments (22)
SHERIDAN CRANE VS NORMAN MAILER
On the uncanny similarities between bloviating old bore Norman Mailer & lovely young bore Sheridan Crane from Passions:
| SHERIDAN CRANE | NORMAN MAILER | |
Despite total lack of evidence, keen intuition tells her it was Beth Wallace who kidnapped her, threw her in a pit, & stole her baby |
Despite total lack of evidence, keen intuition tells him Bush/Rove behind Rathergate, Toiletgate, & Afghan riots |
|
| Everyone thinks she's crazy | Everyone thinks he's nuts | |
Wealthy Crane family heiress with no known job, attracts golddiggers like fleas |
Wealthy former novelist married to 6th wife 26 yrs younger, 'artist' & 'novelist' Norris Church |
|
| Stabbed aunt but repressed memory | Stabbed second wife Adele | |
| Believer in reincarnation | ||
Bores anyone in sight with endless self-pitying whining |
Bores readers with doorstop-heavy tomes that cry out for editor: Executioner's Song (1072 pgs), Harlot's Ghost (1301 pgs), Ancient Evenings (709 pgs) |
|
Fond of making portentous statements that sound important but are actually banal |
"Every moment of one's existence one is growing into more or retreating into less." |
|
| Has had amnesia about 10 times | Godawful directorial attempt, Tough Guys Don't Dance, about writer with amnesia |
|
Had famous catfight with bitch-rival Gore Vidal on Dick Cavett Show |
||
Actress played Robert DeNiro's daughter in Raging Bull |
Wrote The Fight about Ali/Foreman match |
|
| Lousy blogger | Even worse blogger |
Posted by Jeff at 12:00 AM | Comments (15)
May 18, 2005
DEATH TO SCHNAPPI
Schnappi, the odious baby crocodile whose insufferable theme song has inexplicably shot to Number One all across Europe, has now been immortalized in a fitting video game. Enjoy.
Posted by Jeff at 11:23 AM | Comments (8)
May 16, 2005
DIVAS ON THE RAMPAGE
Longtime best friends Paris Hilton & Nicole Richie, one of the great
comedy duos of all time, have abruptly severed their friendship. A year ago, things were so bad on Simple Life 2, it
required
surgical editing to make it appear the two got along. But
now things are officially over.
Paris's
only comment on the rift:
"A good friend is someone who is honest. I'll test them by telling them something & seeing if it will get out. If it gets out, I know that it was them."
Paris has tried to get co-producer Richie fired, but so far it's up in the air whether Richie will return. But any time you put divas together, you get fireworks. Or, as the saying goes, Women don't get mad, they get even:
DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES: Rumors of on-set catfights spurred by Vanity Fair cover story & recent fete for star Teri Hatcher: "Conspicuous by their absence were domestic divas Felicity Huffman & Marcia Cross, who threw a hissy fit at a Vanity Fair cover shoot in February when she thought Hatcher was hijacking the limelight."
Teri Hatcher & Nicolette Sheridan said to be off-screen enemies due
to
decade-old triangle with Michael Bolton. Four of the housewives
reportedly
fuming over Hatcher's salary, saying show should be renamed
The
Teri Hatcher Show.
JENNIFER LOPEZ: Dissed Gwyneth Paltrow: "I don't remember anything she was in. Some people get hot by association. I heard more about her & Brad Pitt than I ever heard about her work." Further enraged Paltrow by taking up with Paltrow discard Ben Affleck, & stealing Vogue cover from Paltrow.
Lopez also dissed Madonna: "Do I think she's a great actress? No. Acting is what I do." Mariah Carey also no Lopez fan; Carey on Lopez's need for 8 hrs of sleep: "If I had the luxury of not actually having to sing my own songs, I'd do that, too."
LINDSAY LOHAN vs HILARY DUFF: Ongoing catfight erupted after both women romantically involved with singer Aaron Carter. Duff claims Lohan egged her mother's Range Rover, & Lohan claims Duff tried to have her ejected from film premiere. Duff's song 'Haters' jab at Lohan:
"You’re the queen of superficiality
Keep your lies out of my reality.
You say your boyfriend’s sweet & kind
But you’ve still got your eyes on mine."
LAVERNE & SHIRLEY: Penny Marshall & Cindy Williams had intense rivalry, fueled by Williams' insecurity about Marshall's brother producing the show. Williams walked off the show, alleging Marshall got all the good lines.
CATHERINE ZETA JONES vs JULIA ROBERTS: Conspicuously did not socialize on set of Ocean's Twelve, bickered over who got best outfits, & Roberts furious Zeta Jones got billing over her.
SUZANNE
SOMERS: Three's Company star demanded raise from
$30,000 an episode to $150,000 & 10% ownership of show. Role cut
to 1 minute per episode. Sued ABC for $2 million, but suit
was settled for - $30,000. Went on to have successful career
flogging Thighmaster. In 2003, former costar Joyce Dewitt produced TV movie about the show that
portrayed Somers as a self-centered bimbo:
"I don’t want stardom," she announces, gazing enviously at posters of Farrah Fawcett. "I want superstardom."
KELLY OSBOURNE vs CHRISTINA AGUILERA: Christina: "She is the nastiest person I have ever seen. She is so bitter & twisted about life." Kelly: "She is one of the most disgusting human beings in the entire world. I've seen drag queens who look better." Osbourne also keeps voodoo doll of Aguilera. Related:
Christina Aguilera vs Pink: "When has Pink not been copying me? In her fashion, it's always like 'Gosh, I just wore that last week."
Christina on Britney Spears' engagement ring: "It looks like she got it on QVC. She's not trailer trash, but she sure acts that way."
CHARLIE'S ANGELS: Originally titled The Alley Cats, cross between The Avengers & Honey West, as star vehicle for Kate Jackson. Tensions erupted when Farrah Fawcett's hairdo became star of show. Sensing destiny, Fawcett quit show after 1st season & ended career. At 50, Fawcett posed for Playboy, recently has morphed into plastic surgery atrocity.
Charlie's Angels redux: during filming of movie sequel, Drew Barrymore, Lucy Liu, & Cameron Diaz refused to socialize with Demi Moore.
REGIS & KELLY RIPA: Tabloids full of stories about bitter backstage rivalry between Regis & his break-talking cohost, claiming Ripa's salary forced Philbin pay cut, & that Ripa pushes features like her Book Club that allow her to work solo.
SEX & THE CITY:
Kim Cattrall reportedly miffed that
Sarah
Jessica Parker made twice as much as the other actresses on the show.
Cattrall
requested separate table from costars at Emmy Awards, refused to
participate in film version of show over salary.
CYBILL SHEPHERD: Shepherd so threatened by her sitcom's scene-stealing costar Christine Baranski she counted the lines each character was given. Baranaski's lines were reduced. Show went rapidly downhill, with Shepherd incongruously belting out torch songs in the middle of episodes. Shepherd also said to have long-running feud with Moonlighting costar Bruce Willis. Also: Arnold Schwarzenegger & John Ashcroft.
SHANNON DOHERTY: Epic feudress. Objects of hatred: Paris Hilton, Alyssa Milano, entire 90210 cast, Aaron Spelling.
ELTON JOHN: Feuds - Madonna, American Idol, George Michael, Taiwan, Boy George, Posh Spice, Rod Stewart, George Bush.
JOAN COLLINS: Long-running bitch fight with trash-novelist sister Jackie escalated after Joan started penning bodice-rippers also. Joan on whether her novel about showbiz sisters is autobiographical: "Here's a hint: one sister is overweight & not very pretty." Also feuding with Virgin Atlantic for making her remove hat, sunglasses, jacket, & shoes in security line. Collins: "Do you know who I am??" Reportedly couldn't stand Catherine Oxenberg, who played her daughter on Dynasty.
JORDAN vs JODIE MARSH: England's breast-battling bimbo babes
ROSIE O'DONNELL: Feuds - Pat Sajak, her publisher, Madonna, Howard Stern, Michael Jackson, Tom Selleck, Boy George (who called her a Pottery Barn lesbian), George Bush.
SUSAN LUCCI: Marathon Emmy loser
made life miserable
for scene-stealing Emmy-winning TV daughter Sarah Michelle Gellar, a factor in
Gellar's wise decision to leave All My Children.
DELTA BURKE: Plus-sized star fired after public feud with Designing Women producers, claiming they were insensitive to her substantial weight gain. Burke had her revenge, as the show never recovered. Now hawks plus-sized clothing line.
CHEERS: Shelley Long torpedoed career by leaving TV's top rated comedy. Sam Simon, Cheers writer/producer: "It wasn't Shelley versus Ted. It wasn't Shelley versus the writers. It was Shelley versus everybody."
Posted by Jeff at 12:14 PM | Comments (23)
INTERNET ANTHROPOLOGY: TRUE CONFESSIONS
Posted by Jeff at 03:48 AM | Comments (7)
May 13, 2005
ELECTROSHOCK BLOGGING
EMERALD BILE Noreen
& Ball Bag explain it all
LA PETITE CLAUDINE In Spanish, great pics, great links
THIS IS MY COMPUTER BLOG Total. F*cking. Insanity.
HUBRIS Worth it for the author pic alone
TOPIC DRIFT The tragic ramblings of Esther Wilberforce Packard of Minneapolis, Minnesota. Manager of future superstar Just Donal
SPIRIT FINGERS Hong Kong's guerrilla fashionista
MASAMANIA Insanity from Japan
Posted by Jeff at 09:00 AM | Comments (8)
FASHION TIPS: BASIC BLACK FOR THAT SLIM, SYLPHLIKE LOOK
Posted by Jeff at 08:11 AM | Comments (19)
May 12, 2005
CHARLIE'S ANGELS GO TO IRAN
Posted by Jeff at 03:35 PM | Comments (2)
TOO HIP
Do you think this has anything to do with this? Hollywood screenwriters have filed a class action suit, saying the industry discriminates against writers over 40, placing a premium on youth & hipness:
"Nearly 75 percent of writers within the guild age 30 or younger were employed in 1997, vs. 46 percent of those in their 40s and 32 percent of those in their 50s."
This goes a long way towards explaining the sorry product coming out of
Hollywood in today's dumbed-down, youth-oriented market. Writing is a craft
that takes years to learn, & having something to say about the human
condition is something that requires some living. It also dovetails with the
very low status of writers in Hollywood, which falls somewhere below
spokesmodels.
Today writing isn't even viewed as a particular talent. When Sean Penn or Wilmer Valderrama announces they're writing a script, no one bats an eye, because anyone can do it, right? But imagine the reaction if Joe Eszterhas or Roger Simon announced they were going to star in a movie - are they crazy, have they had any training??
A random list of scripts that would have had trouble in today's Hollywood because the writers were over the hill:
Rainman by Ron Bass (written at age 46)
A Fish Called Wanda by John Cleese (49)
Kramer vs Kramer by Robert Benton (47)
The Jazz Singer by Alfred Cohn (47)
Norma Rae by Harriet Frank (62)
Midnight Cowboy by Waldo Salt (55)
True Grit by Marguerite Roberts (64)
Deathtrap by Jay Allen (60)
They Shoot Horses Don't They by James Poe (48) & Robert Thompson (43)
Alice's Restaurant by Arthur Penn (47)
Bridge on the River Kwai by Michael Wilson & Carl Foreman (both 43)
Vertigo by Samuel Taylor (46)
Patton by Edmund North (59)
North by Northwest by Ernest Lehman (44)
Network by Paddy Chayefsky (53)
The Apartment by Billy Wilder (54) & I.A.L. Diamond (40)
Hannah & Her Sisters by Woody Allen (51)
Bladerunner by David Peoples (42)
Gone With the Wind by Sidney Howard (48)
American Beauty by Alan Ball (42)
The Crying Game by Neil Jordan (42)
Chariots of Fire by Colin Welland (47)
Dog Day Afternoon by Frank Pierson (50)
Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind by Charlie Kaufman (46)
Gosford Park by Julian Fellowes (52)
Guess Who's Coming to Dinner by William Rose (49)
Young Frankenstein by Mel Brooks (48)
In the Heat of the Night by Sterling Silliphant (54)
Cape Fear by James Webb (52)
The Pianist by Ron Harwood (68)
The Great Dictator by Charlie Chaplin (51)
Johnny Got His Gun by Dalton Trumbo (66)
The Philadelphia Story by Donald Ogden Stewart (46)
Missing by Costa Gavras (49) & Donald Stewart (52)
The Best Years of Our Lives by Robert E. Sherwood (50)
McCabe & Mrs. Miller by Robert Altman (46) & Brian McKay (45)
The Postman Always Rings Twice by Harry Ruskin (52)
Imitation of Life by Eleanore Griffin (55) & Allan Scott (53)
San Francisco by Anita Loos (48)
Casualties of War by David Rabe (49)
Gaslight by John Balderston (55), John Van Druten (43), & Walter Reisch (41)
The African Queen by James Agee (42) & John Huston (45)
When Harry Met Sally by Nora Ephron (48)
Strangers on a Train by Raymond Chandler (63) & Whitfield Cook (42)
The Turning Point by Arthur Laurents (59)
Notorious by Ben Hecht (52), Alfred Hitchcock (47), & Clifford Odets (40)
The French Lieutenant's Woman by Harold Pinter (51)
Shadow of a Doubt by Thorton Wilder (46) & Alma Reville (aka Mrs. Alfred Hitchcock, 44) & Sally Benson (46)
Scent of a Woman by Bo Goldman (60)
The Three Faces of Eve by Nunnally Johnson (60)
The Exorcist by William Peter Blatty (45)
The Talk of the Town by Dale Van Every (46)
MASH by Ring Lardner Jr (55)
The Bad Seed by John Lee Mahin (54)
Mata Hari (Garbo) by Leo Birinsky (49) & Benjamin Glazer (44)
The Bridge of San Luis Rey by Howard Estabrook (60) & Thornton Wilder (47)
Road to Morocco by Frank Butler (52) & Don Hartman (42)
The Russians Are Coming by William Rose (48)
Pennies from Heaven by Dennis Potter (46)
The Grifters by Donald Westlake (57)
Posted by Jeff at 12:51 AM | Comments (26)
May 11, 2005
GHOUL TV with NANCY GRACE
Hi y'all, I'm Nancy Grace, former prosecutor,
covering the latest gruesome gross-out murder. What you're about to hear
is really ooky. At this time, we have virtually no
information about this heinous crime, but I sure ain't gonna
crush Greta Van Facelift by blowing smoke rings outta my ass.
As a former prosecutor, I'm thinking blunt trauma to the head, so I'm going to climb up on the desk here - grunt - to demonstrate. The victim was prolly on all fours like this, okay? (Cartwright, you better have a fish-eye lens on my ass, I don't wear Nanette Lapore to look like a Volkswagen with cellulite.)
Ladies with back problems, this is an excellent position for pelvic thrusts: & thrust! & thrust! one-two! sphincter tight!
Okay, I'm thinking the perp bashed the victim's head - ungh! - against the floor - ungh! like this - ungh! Fortunately I'm wearing titanium hair shield that can stop armor piercing bullets & is excellent for humidity. Then the shit-eating piece of scum prolly broke a bottle over her head like this - thwunk!
Now this is Heinz 57 steak sauce running down my face, but just imagine it's blood gushing as the poor thing collapses - kerthump! - twitching in death throes like a katydid on a waffle-iron, aaugh! aaugh! oh god! oh god! oh yes! yes! yes! BRING IT HOME DADDY!
Posted by Jeff at 09:30 AM | Comments (6)
REQUIEM FOR A MURDERED COP
See also Michelle Malkin: In Praise of the Police
Posted by Jeff at 07:43 AM | Comments (0)
DOS & DON'TS FOR CUNNING LINGUISTS
CHRISTINE GREGOIRE FAN CLUB (via Kellipundit)
Posted by Jeff at 07:38 AM | Comments (0)
May 10, 2005
GIRL ON GIRL ACTION: KYLIE MINOGUE + GERI HALLIWELL
Posted by Jeff at 01:58 PM | Comments (17)
ORLANDO BLOOM: A STAR IS BORN
The critics rave over Orlando Bloom in Kingdom of Heaven:
UK Telegraph: "More than just a pretty face. He's a pretty torso
too."
New Yorker: "Rouses the tremulous defenders of Jerusalem with all the assurance of a head prefect addressing a school assembly."
Seattle Weekly: "Our hero is no man's man à la Crowe but a f*cking elf: Orlando Bloom looks like someone Hilary Swank would KO with one punch. The quarterback of my Ridgecrest Elementary football team had bigger balls."
Spliced Wire: "Bloom's wallpaper performance won't hold the attention of anyone who doesn't have his pin-up plastered around her bedroom."
AP: "He's just too pretty."
Salon: "Although good-looking in a the dog ate my homework kind of way ... when he his mouth, a painstakingly noble squeak comes out."
SF Bay Guardian: "May be heavenly blessed, but damn, he's boring."
Steve Rhodes: "Eva Green, as his love interest, is so incredibly awful that Bloom's acting does appear a bit better in comparison."
Carrie Rickey: "A Shetland pony among stallions."
Boston Globe: "Seems like a man holding the fort for a genuine star who never arrives."
NY Daily News: "Orlando Bloom would have trouble filling even Colin Farrell's sandals."
Orlando online fan clubs, however, are metastasizing:
Orlando Bloom iz Mine! "AINT THAT MAN HOT?!?!?! WELL IN MY
OPINION HE IS SOOOO FINE. ORLANDO IF YOU READ THIS I LOVE YOU!"
I luv Orlando Bloom: "Um i just started this page today so it'z probably gonna suck but give me sum time & I'll try to improve it."
Whispers of Orlando Bloom: "Heard any whispering's about Orlando? Do you want to???? Here's one...Orlando, doesn't like girl's who smoke. Let's WHISPER about Orlando!!"
Sprinkles of Orlando Bloom: "We'll 'sprinkle' a little of Orlando everywhere! Dana & Linda. SPRINKLE ME WITH ORLANDO!!!"
Orlando Bloom World: "You are the Proud Owner of Orlando Bloom's Mouth! Get ready for some of the most heavenly kisses on the planet. "
Fruit of the Bloom: "Daaaang! Orlando could catch a wet match on fire!! The man is HOT HOT HOT HOT HOT!!!"
LandWS Bloom Room: "Join us in worshiping, idolising & generally adoring the God-that-walks-as-a-man otherwise known as Orlando Bloom."
Orlando is Bloomin Gorgeous: "A place to drool over the fabulous Orlando Bloom, with optional drool buckects!!"
Orlandoism: "If you love/worship/adore Orli, than you are more than welcome. If you don't, I don't know whats wrong with you, & whatever it is... FIX IT!"
LOTRstuff:
"Orlando Bloom is a GOD! Black beans taste like CRAP!!!!! Lol! moving
on..."
I hate Orlando Bloom: "Do you have a funny or embarrasing picture of him you would like to sare with your fellows at arms in this war against this horible man."
Orlando Bloom rocks: "Hi this is the group manager Briana, but you can call me Bri. No flaming anyone, but you can flame on Kate Bosworth."
Orlijah: "A group for fan fiction that depicts Orlando Bloom & Elijah Wood as a couple. That means slash! *grin*"
Our Orlando Bloom Group: "Flamming of Kate Bosworth welcomed."
Orlando iz hottest: "You MUST be dedicated for life to ORLANDO BLOOM. if your not your a LOSER."
Elf Obsessed: "If Orlando was really in love with Kate, then why did he dodge cars & leave about 1 mile of distance between Hiself, & Kate when a paparazzi saw them?"
We Dislike Kate Bosworth: "WE ARE TIRED OF BEING TOLD TO SHUT UP WHEN WE SAY SOMETHING BAD ABOUT HER!"
Love for Legolas: "we're always here for you to gush & salivate over him until you get him out of your system - yeah, right, as if."
Orlandoholoics: "We here at Orlandoholics Anonymous helps detox those who suffer from symptoms of Obsessive Fangirlism. These symptoms include: Constant drooling, squeeling, ogleing, eyeballing, cat fighting, & screaming "I LOVE YOU ORLI!" or "MARRY ME!"
Whorlie: "This is a group if you are a Orlando Bloom Whore. If this squicks you, you may leave."
Posted by Jeff at 09:17 AM | Comments (29)
May 09, 2005
TOP OF THE POPS: ATTACK OF THE LITTLE PEOPLE
Number One songs around the world this week:
ARGENTINA: La Tortura by
Shakira. 4'8". Duet with Spanish superstar / heartthrob
Alejandro Sanz, 5'8".
VIDEO featuring half-naked Shakira belly dancing while covered
in Pennzoil. From forthcoming Latin CD Fijacion Oral. Hard to believe just a few years ago she was hippie
folk rocker known as the Alannis Morissette of Latin America (Shakira
admits she was fat Goth teen.)
Online
petition asking Alejandro Sanz to stop singing. From
anti-Shakira Group:
"Shakira fans: If you feel you just HAVE to come in here & call us losers, please have a good reason. For example, Eminem says good things about her isn't gonna cut it. Because honestly, NO ONE CARES."
UPDATE: Alejandro Sanz petition organized by followers of Hugo Chavez. In Venezuela, Sanz criticized Chavez' rejection of a referendum for his recall, saying "if they give me three million signatures asking me to stop singing, I would stop singing," adding that he considered unelected leaders tyrants. Sanz' reaction to the petition:
"Men have died because of (Chávez). I don’t care if there are 20,000 idiots that sign something so that I stop singing, when there are people dying in this country (Venezuela)."
SPAIN: Enamorada de ti by Monica Naranjo. 5'5". Scary/phreaky Catalan sexbomb/gay icon. Outrageous personality whose video for Desatame was censored in Mexico for girl-on-girl action. From Minage CD, collaboration with Italian diva Mina Mazzini. Over-the-top videos of Desatame & Enamorada at website under discografia
JAPAN: Step you/is this love by Ayumi Hamasaki. 5' pop urchin discovered in karaoke bar. Was Japan's highest earning entertainer in 2002 ($189 million), first artist to have 4 singles in Japanese Top 10 simultaneously. AUDIO. Profile. Discography. Madonna-like megastar whose fans breathlessly monitor constantly changing image. From interesting TimeAsia piece:
"Dressed in a futuristic black kimono over scuffed jeans, her face painted like a cross between a geisha & Gene Simmons, she projects an almost apocalyptic image that is both of this world & completely out of it—half-human, half-manga, totally pop star."
USA: Hollaback Girl by Gwen Stefani. 5'5". Funny video with weird-ass harajuku girls available at website.
FRANCE: Un Monde Parfait by 11yo Ilona Mitrecey. Obnoxious song with equally obnoxious video confirms everything you thought about the French.
SWEDEN: Schnappi, das klein krokodil (Schnappi the shit-eating little crocodile). Sung by baby cartoon crocodile. Can someone explain why this song is sweeping Europe? (Schnappi is from Egypt; is this some kind of coded Al Qaeda message? I DON'T GET IT). VIDEO EVIDENCE OF END TIMES. Kiwi Alert: Schnappi Storming the Charts in New Zealand. Llama Alert: Schnappi und das lama in Yokohama. You know how I feel about llamas.
CZECH REPUBLIC: Bora bora (Go Away) by
Arash. Infectious Persian
hip-hop. Looks about same height as Tom Cruise (a shrimp). Born in Teheran, family moved to Europe when he was 10. Profile.
Song previously #1 in Sweden. First Farsi-language hit song in
Europe.
Hilarious video.
Mullahs will never survive this. Shows you only need energy &
imagination to make music & videos at fraction of the cost of Shakira's
slick anthems. Arash:
"My most important mission is to bring happiness, & when I see people jumping up and down and being happy, I become ten times more happy myself."
HONG KONG: Spoiled by Joss Stone. Talented 18yo British soul singer. Not little: 5'10. Real name: Joscelyn Stoker. AUDIO. Adorable video interview. Performed Janis Joplin tribute at Grammys with Melissa Etheridge. Had Top 10 hit in England You Had Me in 2004. Joss Stone on Idol-type shows:
• "It's manufactured, not real. If you want quick fame, go right ahead. But if you want to be a singer, my suggestion is to find another way."
• "My mum fancies Simon Cowell. She keeps saying he's fit. Isn't that gross?"
• "I'm not going to go sing pop just because I'm a white girl with blonde hair."
Posted by Jeff at 12:52 AM | Comments (14)
May 07, 2005
POINT COUNTERPOINT
HUBRIS: WHY HE SHOULD TAKE THE SKANK BACK
WHO SHOULD REPLACE PAULA ON IDOL?
PAULAGATE: KELLY RIPA TELLS IT LIKE IT IS
Via Ron from Church of the Holy Ripa, aka Our Daily Ripa. Bonus Points: Count the number of words Regis is able to get in edgewise in this typical Regis & Kelly exchange
Posted by Jeff at 10:12 AM | Comments (8)
May 06, 2005
KINGDOM OF HEAVEN: IF YOU LOVED ALEXANDER...
mousse or gel: only eva green knows for sure
Ever since 9/11, liberals have been struggling with the problem that - as pointed out by Michael Walzer, editor of the left-wing Dissent - jihad can't fit into liberal ideology. One of the tenets of modern liberalism is the supposed conflict between the corrupt West & the innocent Third World, an idea that stems from Rousseau's 'noble savage' sulk.
Ridley Scott's Kingdom of Heaven gives the Crusades the Rousseau treatment with murderous Westerners & pacifist Muslims, but this is only possible if you're selective about history. The First Crusade was launched in 1096, but Muslims conquered Christian Syria & Palestine in the 7th Century, invaded Spain in 712, & would have put the sword to Europe had they not been defeated at Tours (732). Some views on the film:
Ridley Scott: "There is no escaping the parallels with our time, when leaders who try to make peace are admired, but their efforts are subverted by more radical factions."
Hollywood Reporter: "A timely reminder that in the conflict between Christianity & Islam it was the Christians who picked the first fight."
Village Voice: "Can you make a film about the Crusades & pretend that the Christian invaders aren't mortally responsible for the world's longest-running imperialistic carnage? The catapult-shelling of Jerusalem is as close to the full-on bombing of Baghdad as American audiences will ever have to tolerate."
Mick LaSalle: "The West was wrong, the West lost, & this is not the era in which to expect Western audiences to embrace the sight of Muslim armies chopping up Christian invaders ... an intelligent and highly topical epic." [ LaSalle a big Fahrenheit 9/11 fan, a typical Left Coast liberal who has no idea how his politics intrude on his aesthetics.]
New Yorker: "A rambling, hollow show about a boy."
Salon: "Doesn't even have the cheerful ludicrousness of Troy & Alexander."
UK Guardian: "Uneasily like Scott's Black Hawk Down: an attempt to acknowledge a flawed military adventure, but fundamentally hamstrung by a deep reluctance to make our heroes look bad in any real way." [Another liberal canard: the Mogadishu raid was assisting a UN humanitarian effort to end genocide. Clinton's pullout was not a victory for noble Third Worlders, but for genocide]
Variety: "Correctly pins the lion's share of the blame for reigniting hostilities on a couple of rash Christian belligerents."
Seattle Weekly: "The Islamic characters are implicitly racist in their sentimental two-dimensionality. They're not characters, they're Christians' wishful thinking about how Muslims should be."
William Arnold: "Its best scene, in which Saladin explains how Jerusalem means both nothing & everything to all involved, is a very compelling argument for the growing contention that the city should be internationalized & administered for all faiths by the United Nations." [This is a growing contention?? Go here to see William Arnold's take on Fahrenheit 9/11]
UK Telegraph: "If you thought the Crusades were really about Christians & Muslims being nice to one another, this is the film for you."
Michael Wilmington: "Gargantuan ... a gorgeously shot anti-war battle epic." [Wilmington another big Fahrenheit 9/11 fan]
Rolling Stone: "The film is not anti-Muslim, it's anti-fanaticism. Scott's up against the same core contradiction as the U.S. in Iraq: How do you justify the spectacle of bloody carnage while preaching the gospel of give peace a chance?"
East Bay Express: "Phony & manipulative. Kingdom's wishful thinking about Crusader pacifism & Islamic mercy just doesn't wash."
Film Freak: "Leave it to the liberals to make a film so afraid to offend that it pisses everybody off."
Phil Villareal: "By the time the slow-motion plot creeps into its last hour, the film has become a Monty Python-like self satire."
NY Observer: "A tower of politically correct Jello."
Philadelphia Daily News: "The movie threatens to become Dances With Muslims."
Roger Ebert: "Better than Gladiator; deeper, more thoughtful, more about human motivation & less about action."
Atlanta Journal Constitution: "A blood-for-oil situation where greedy men use pumped-up & often pretend religious zealotry to cloak their lust for land & gold."
San Jose Mercury News: "The Crusades lasted over 200 years, which is longer than Kingdom of Heaven, although not by much."
Carrie Rickey: "A doughnut with Bloom as its hole."
Kenneth Turan: "An impressive film that resonates with lessons for an age when Crusaders in American uniforms are trying to save the Middle East from itself one more time." [Turan also a Fahrenheit 9/11 fan]
Reeltalk: "There's no consideration for the complexity of the driving forces behind Christian & Muslim motives & politics here -- just plain-faced moralizing."
Decent Films: "Could largely be described as the failure of moderate Christians to restrain fanatical Christians from oppressing innocent Muslims, thereby provoking justifiable Muslim retaliation." [Good historical background here.]
Fantastica Daily: "Can you imagine Hollywood producing a film this sympathetic to ancient German or Japanese warriors at the height of World War II? A historical epic totally destroyed by the infusion of contemporary political correctness & left-wing revisionist history."
Fred Topel: "Epics for Dummies."
For more background, see Whitewash: the CAIR Seal of Approval; Jihad Begot the Crusades
Posted by Jeff at 08:47 AM | Comments (24)
JANE AT ARMIES OF LIBERATION: BLOGGER DENOUNCED BY AL QAEDA
Note to Al Qaeda: I never met the bitch, okay?
Posted by Jeff at 08:44 AM | Comments (0)
May 05, 2005
LAURA BUSH UNPLUGGED
Hi gang, I'm Laura Bush. Or, as the press calls me, the First Footstool. Stepford Lite. Chicken-fried Barbie. Arianna Huffington called me Harriet Nelson. Please. At least I didn't marry Richard Simmons. What happened, Arianna, get tired of sleeping on your stomach?
Someone get Dick Cheney some water, we don't want to run a Help Wanted ad. It's not easy being a heartbeat away from the Presidency when you can't walk past a microwave without needing jumper cables. And yes, they call him Big Dick Cheney for a reason. Let's just say he doesn't park with the compacts. And that's why Lynne is standing tonight. Oh STOP IT! GROW UP!
Talking of reptiles, my mother-in-law couldn't make it tonight, she's molting. No seriously, for moisturizer she uses Pennzoil 10/30. For sunscreen, she prefers Armor All. For a bikini wax, she uses a sander. She thinks the LaBrea Tar Pits are a spa. You know they say a meteorite wiped out the dinosaurs? Where do I sign up? Oh STOP!
Did I mention I'm not wearing any panties? It's true, the guys in the front row would kill for some clam dip. Makes those state functions a lot more fun. You're sitting there opposite some human chlamydia like Yasser Arafat or Jacques Chirac, you flash a little Venus flytrap & watch them flatline! I LOVE that!
No really, guys, do you like your peaches peeled or fuzzy? Clay court or Astroturf? Of course, now that I'm Queen Shit of Turd Island, I have someone who mows it for me. And that's why Tom Delay is flossing in the back. Oh STOP IT! STOP IT!
See also Anal-yzing Humor; Adults Only Edition
Posted by Jeff at 08:56 AM | Comments (34)
May 04, 2005
SILENCE OF THE CHICKS
Defense says Lynndie England 'Not Right', claims was traumatized by growing up in chicken-motif house of horrors. Shocking evidence here - not for faint of heart. Can you count the chickens?
Posted by Jeff at 11:20 AM | Comments (12)
FUN THINGS TO DO IN IRAQ
Posted by Jeff at 11:14 AM | Comments (5)
WAR CRIMES TRIBUNAL FOR US ARMY BULLY
The UN will bring war crimes charges against a US
Army
interpreter who
admits he punched Saddam Hussein in the mouth when the mass
murderer was captured. "You can't just go around hitting people," a
spokesman said. The interpreter could also be
charged with Hate Crimes since he called Hussein a motherf*cker,
an SOB, a rat, a bastard, & spit on him.
UN spokesman: "We will not tolerate spitting."
Originally from Nasiriyah, the interpreter was miffed that Hussein slaughtered thousands of his fellow Shias, & told Hussein he was going to "f*ck him in the ass," so could also be charged with sexual harassment. A UN spokesman, swamped with sex crimes allegations against UN peacekeepers, said "He was a head of state, not some piece of gash."
The tribunal will be convened in the Hague, where the smash-hit war crimes tribunal of Slobodan Milosevic has been running for 3 years & become a cottage industry. "Let's face it," says an insider, "except for war crimes trials, European industry is in the crapper. We're hoping to corner the tribunal market with incentives & gift baskets."
It's hoped more tribunals could ease unemployment & become a tourist magnet like Eurodisney or Audrey Tautou. The EU has no death penalty, but since Hussein is Muslim, the case could be transferred to its new Sharia division, & the trial moved to a Muslim country, possibly Sweden.
Posted by Jeff at 12:34 AM | Comments (15)
May 03, 2005
GET THE FABULOUS ISLAMIC MAKEOVER
Can you tell which photo is before & which is after? Winner gets free makeover.
Posted by Jeff at 01:17 PM | Comments (20)
THE BIRDS IS COMING BACK
THE BIRDS MOVIE POSTER; PUBLICITY SHOT OF TIPPI HEDREN
Universal is planning a remake of Hitchcock's The Birds & people are upset. Original star Tippi Hedren:
"It's appalling, To take a work of art like that & try to copy it is like trying to imitate the Mona Lisa. To challenge a monster of cinema like Hitchcock is such a pompous thing to do. Hitchcock could terrify audiences & keep them in suspense. Nobody can make that film today & produce the same level of fear in an audience."
Hedren did, however, do a cameo bit in a forgettable 'sequel' The Birds II: Lands End. The new film won't be a remake per se, & will be based on the Daphne du Maurier story, from which Hitchcock took only the main idea. Du Maurier wrote it in 1952 & set it on a desolate strip of the Cornish coast:
"The idea for the story was born on my daily walks along the Cornish cliffs. I would see the farmer plowing his fields, his tractor followed by flocks of gulls screaming & crying. As they dived for worms & insects, I thought, Suppose they stop being interested in worms?"
The farmer in the story, Nat Hocken, intuits some connection between the bird attacks & the rising/falling of the tides. Through the radio, he learns that London is under siege, & the harrowing tale ends with Nat's family barricaded in farmhouse:
"Nat listened to the tearing sound of splintering wood, & wondered how many million years of memory were stored in those little brains, behind the stabbing beaks, the piercing eyes, now giving them this instinct to destroy mankind with all the deft precision of machines..."
Hitchcock's film was panned when it came out, with critics comparing
Hitch's newest discovery, Tippi Hedren, unfavorably with Grace Kelly. Camille Paglia,
in her book-length essay on The Birds, praises Hedren's economy
of movement (from her modeling background), especially
the classic scene where Hedren smokes elegantly while crows gather
behind her on a playground (video
link).
Tippi Hedren on Hitch's disdain for method acting: "When I heard that Sean Connery was going to be my leading man in Marnie, I said, Hitch, how am I supposed to react so coldly to this very handsome, absolutely marvelous man? And he said, It's called acting."
Suzanne Pleshette: "One day I got a blonde hairpiece, & I put it on, & I said, My agents are insecure. They think you prefer blondes. And he said, Take it off. You look like a female impersonator." Pleshette on Hitch's loyal assistant/henchwoman Peggy Robertson: "She would come & say to me, Don't put your cigarette out in your eggs. He hates eggs, & he hates cigarettes, & frankly, he hates you."
"Jessica Tandy, the mother, has one good moment, when she discovers a body & runs voicelessly out of the house & across the yard. Suzanne Pleshette as a local schoolteacher is unobjectionable. The rest of the cast are offensively bad." Stanley Kaufman, the New Republic (4/13/63). The Birds trivia:
• Nominated for Best Optical Effects Oscar, but lost to Cleopatra, which Hitchcock dismissed as 'Nothing, just quantities of people & scenery.'
• Had no musical score, only electronic effects by Hitch's favorite composer, Bernard Herrmann
• Hitch proposed never-filmed ending in which survivors flee to San Francisco, ending on shot of Golden Gate Bridge covered with birds
• Veronica Cartwright, who played adolescent Cathy, was sister of Angela Cartwright (Sound of Music, Lost in Space). As adult, Veronica appeared in sci-fi/horror films Alien, Invasion of the Body Snatchers, Witches of Eastwick, & received Emmy nomination for The X Files
• 15-second shot of birds descending on Bodega Bay took 3 months to complete as birds were painted in frame by frame
• Famous movie poster of woman with hands over head is actually shot of Jessica Tandy, with hair painted blonde & dress painted green to resemble Hedren
• Hedren won Golden Globe for Most Promising Female Newcomer, along with Ursula Andress for Dr. No & Elke Sommer for The Prize.
• Wall clock inng scene shows same time asng of Psycho, 2:43PM
• Screenwriter Evan Hunter hated film's ending, which he called 'that mosaic of 3407 pieces of film.'
• Daphne du Maurier disliked the film & particularly changing the setting from rural Cornwall to small-town America.
• Hedren responsible for inflicting daughter, actress Melanie Griffith, on unsuspecting world
NY Times Movie Review April 1 1963; Truffaut on Hitchcock; Scare Tactics; The Sound of One Wing Flapping; Evan Hunter's Script for The Birds ; Advertising Hitch: Fascinating Compendium of Hitch Movie Posters in All Languages; TippiHedren.net (more interesting stuff); Swinging Chicks: Tippi Hedren; Hitch's Cameos
Posted by Jeff at 12:42 AM | Comments (15)
May 02, 2005
IT'S RAINING MEN: MAIL ORDER HUSBANDS
Posted by Jeff at 11:38 PM | Comments (6)
GREAT MOMENTS IN TURKISH FASHION
GULLER VE DIKENLER. 1970. Screen legend Hulya Kocyigit stars as Zeynep, a happy-go-lucky hostess at the Turkish Wax Museum, whose world is shattered when she discovers her lover is a repressed homosexual.
Posted by Jeff at 04:45 PM | Comments (8)
ROSIE O'DONNELL: BETTER THAN CATS
More gushing fan letters to Rosie can be found at SaveRosie.com. Rosie's blog, written entirely in verse - I'm not making that up - can be absorbed here. Or you can check out the Rosie O'Donnell Hatred Club: "Hi! I loathe & hate Rosie O'Donnel [sic]. If you hate, dislike, or just can't stand her join this club."
Posted by Jeff at 12:12 PM | Comments (1)
PROFILES IN COURAGE: SALMAN BUTT
Name: Salman Butt
Who he is: Rookie
cricketer sensation for Pakistan.
Born: October 7, 1984, Lahore, Punjab
Bats: Left-handed
Bowls: Right-arm off-break
(whatever the f*ck that means)
Favorite stadium: Gaddafi Stadium in Lahore
Hero: Saeed Anwar, Pakistani superstar who
grew beard & turned to
preaching Islam
after death of daughter, retired 2003
Butt on religion: "We are Muslims & we believe in Allah. We do whatever Islam says & we try to be what we are supposed to be. Religion is the complete code of life & we follow its guiding principles."
Butt on cricket: "It is a natural passion for the game since I was a child. In fact I have one or two pictures at home from when I was just able to stand, holding a bat."
Butt on infantile jokes about his surname: "I've been fortunate enough not to have heard even one about it so far." [BA finds this hard to believe]
Butt Graphics; Butt Touches Down; Salman Butt Heaves to the Leg Side; Pakistan Puts Faith in Butt; Butt Stats; No Ifs in Butt's Mind; Salman Butt in Holland; Pak Cricketers Exposed
Posted by Jeff at 12:40 AM | Comments (43)
May 01, 2005
BLOGSCAPES AROUND THE WORLD
KORANTENG'S TOLI: PHOTOBLOGGING GHANA
MADAME SHUTTERFLY: NOODLE SHOPS OF HONG KONG
NASIRI'S PHOTOBLOG: MULLAH COUTURE
MICHAEL TOTTEN: POSTCARDS FROM LEBANON
TAKHTESIAH: ARMENIAN PROTEST IN IRAN
Posted by Jeff at 10:34 PM | Comments (2)