March 28, 2005
DR. FRIST ANSWERS YOUR QUESTIONS
Because a real doctor doesn't need to see you to make a diagnosis.
Dear Dr. Frist,My guinea pig has two tumors by its ass. My health insurance won't cover elective surgery. Someone told me putting the cage on top of the microwave is chemo. Will this work?
Broke in Flynn's Lick
Dear Broke,
Those are its testicles. Removing them promotes sensible family planning. Full sexual reassignment surgery unnecessary & unnatural.
Dear Dr. Frist,
I have environmental illness. I feel horrible all the time, especially in the morning. My wife says she's sick of my endless self-pitying whining. Should I divorce her?
Suffering
Dear Suffering,
Marriage is sacred. You have sick building syndrome because your house has dry rot. I'm also picking up a disturbance in the force, indicating a crime was committed in the guest bath. Or possibly the gazebo. Your lucky numbers this week are 19, 43, 21, 17, & 23.
Dear Dr. Frist,I'm a 23yo single man who's always been self-conscious about my long foreskin. I'd like to get circumcised but my insurance won't cover it. Should I go to Canada?
Human Pachyderm
Dear Whoever,
Are you a f*cking homosexual? Because no normal man is that interested in his goddamn willy. Canada?? Do you want some Pakistani coming at your manhood with a sharp knife? Find a nice submissive Christian carport for your unit & shut up.
Dear Dr. Frist,
I'm also a Senator, going through the climacteric,
the most f*cked-up exciting time in a woman's life. Lately I've
been crying inappropriately, &
saying crazy things like we need a supermajority to confirm justices.
I don't even know what a supermajority is. Am I bipolar?
Anonymous
Dear Senator Boxer,
You always were an intellectual sinkhole. I can get dermabrasion but you'll still be a crazy bitch.
Dear Dr. Frist,I'm a 43 year old woman who's getting married next year. My fiancé of 7 years & I are both virgins, saving ourselves for marriage, but he's worried sex will be painful for him the first time. Should I lubricate? Oil or silicone? Regular, premium, or unleaded?
No Drive-Thru
Dear Frigid,
'Saving oneself for marriage' does not mean there's no expiration date. How long do you wait for the shuttle bus before concluding it doesn't stop at your vagina?? Get some WD40, find a dockworker, & lay the goddamn pipe. PS Your fiancé is a homosexual.
Dear Dr. Frist,
I'm a smoking hot 25 yo who's always dreamed of being a weathergirl or possibly the next Mrs. Trump. People tell me my J-Lo ass will get in my way. Should I have lipo? I don't want my butt to look like Swiss cheese.
Cherry in Buffalo Trout
Dear Cherry,
For this diagnosis, I will need to see you personally. Call my office.
Posted by Jeff at March 28, 2005 06:35 AM
Comments
LOL! Were you EVER a nice boy?
Posted by: EssEmm at March 28, 2005 07:30 AM
Bitchy. Brilliant!
Posted by: Josh at March 28, 2005 07:34 AM
Are you collaboration with Esther WP? Brilliant yet disturbed.
Posted by: Gordon at March 28, 2005 05:07 PM
LOL "No Drive-Thru".
"Cherry in Buffalo Trout"
There goes dinner.
But I do have to take exception with one thing and that is calling Barbara boxer a sink hole implies that once she had at least a sea-level intellect. I can't see that. She's more terminal than an ATM machine.
Posted by: Martin at Blogbat at March 28, 2005 06:25 PM
Bravissimo!! *claps hands frantically*
Now do Delay. ;)
Posted by: jinnderella at March 28, 2005 08:40 PM
hahahaha
Very amusing!
Posted by: emma at March 28, 2005 10:16 PM
Jeff, you are (as usual) fucking brilliant!
Posted by: Thomas at March 29, 2005 06:19 PM
