February 11, 2005
WILL THE REAL JEFF GOLDSTEIN PLEASE COUGH UP YOUR FEET?
Recently, I did one of my quirky, trademark blogposts,
FOOT FETISHIST'S GUIDE TO THE BLOGOSPHERE, for which I solicited
blogger foot pix. Kos,
Atrios, &
Marshall turned me down;
Oliver Willis sent me
some pix but - well, I don't want to go into it.
Ace turned me down,
Kate turned me down,
Baldy turned me down, &
LaShawn told me to take a
flying leap at the moon.
I didn't ask Glenn, because I didn't want to sound fresh, & I didn't ask Michelle because I'm terrified of her. I went cyber-prowling & kiped foot pix of Frank J, Jeff J, & Keith B-J. I found a pic of Wonkette's foot, but it wasn't very good, & I didn't want any half-assed Wonkette foot porn.
I was particularly pissed when Jeff Goldstein of Protein Wisdom turned me down, because quite frankly I made him what he is today. If his feet are as big as his head, it would have been choice. So I went trolling online, & discovered there's more than one Jeff Goldstein. I'm planning on including him in FOOT PHREAK II, THE SEQUEL, & have narrowed down the list of suspect Jeff Goldsteins responsible for the sledgehammer wit of Protein Wisdom:
THE NIGHTCLUB HIPSTER:
This Jeff Goldstein is a chi-chi Hamptons club promoter, site shows pix of him jonesing with
pals Kimora Lee Simmons & Tara Reid.
THE ACTOR: Accountant/tap dancer/stand up comic. Has appeared on Sex & the City, Law & Order, & Music Man summer stock. 5'8" 230 lbs.
THE SCIENTIST: "Dr. Jeff Goldstein is a planetary scientist at Challenger Center for Space Science Education. He studies weather on other planets."
THE KID: "My name is Jeff Goldstein. I am 22 years old. I live in Atlanta, Georgia, but was originally from Miami. I am dating Laura Gargala. Lots more to say, but I have tests & stuff to study for."
THE BODYBUILDER: 3rd place novice men's middleweight 2002 NPC Texas State Bodybuilding, Fitness, & Figure Championships
THE CANADIAN: "Jeff Goldstein is the designer & Proprietor of Finely Corked an Internet store he developed to sell the world’s finest corkscrews."
THE RESTAURANTEUR: Cofounder of world famous Sticky Fingers
restaurant chain & signature BBQ sauce line: "It was in Memphis that Jeff gained a love
& passion for ribs
& barbecue."
THE HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: Warner Bros executive VP, altho maybe not after The Matrix Revolutions
THE LITIGATOR: With Goldstein & Loots. Previously with Birch, Horton, Bittner, & Cherot; Skadden, Arps, Slate, Meagher & Flom; Morgan, Lewis & Bockius.
THE MOONBAT: Attorney seeking reparations for Hispanics or some such shit.
Posted by Jeff at February 11, 2005 07:39 AM
Comments
Geez, if the guy is so funny, you would think he could come up with a more original name.
Posted by: Pile On® at February 11, 2005 09:33 AM
Why is it that anytime someone mentions Wonkette that the word "ass" immediately follows?
Posted by: Joe R. the Unabrewer at February 11, 2005 11:29 AM
It's been hours. No response. Maybe he thinks ignoring you will make you go away . . . ;)
[I'm afraid the title of JG's blog makes me think of one thing only, and it ain't tofu.]
Posted by: Attila Girl at February 11, 2005 12:12 PM
Whew. I thought I was the only one whose mind went down that sewer...
Posted by: beautifulatrocities ![[TypeKey Profile Page]](/nav-commenters.gif)
at February 11, 2005 12:13 PM
You didn't mention that I only gave you a bad picture of my feet in poor-quality shoes. I'm shocked/angry.
Posted by: Josh at February 11, 2005 12:30 PM
I'd send you a shot of my feet, though I don't know you yet, just tuned in and well, quite frankly I don't do that sort of thing my first time with someone.
Posted by: Lizabeth at February 11, 2005 12:42 PM
Ms Atilla--
I guess I just don't have that raunchy a mind. I never could figure out the hidden meaning behind Jeff G's site name; if anything, I figured it might have something to do with shampoo or conditioners. Now, thanks to you, I've got a dramatically different alternative, and I'll never be able to get it out of my hair--uh, head...
Posted by: utron at February 11, 2005 12:56 PM
You should do a White Trash Wednesday blogger foot fetish posting. I have lovely feet;-)
Posted by: Sadie at February 11, 2005 01:19 PM
Attila Girl, I have no idea what you mean about the blog name, but do I want to?
Joe, I have never even read her blog and I even think that. Just from what people say about her.
I am surprised Jeff hasn't reacted, he must be at Best Buy, that is the only explanation. He LOVES THIS ATTENTION!
BTW, the body building Jeff is just scary. Like Freddy Kruger scary.
Posted by: Rightwingsparkle at February 11, 2005 01:30 PM
Good Lord Attila Girl... I'm glad I'm not the only one with that dirty a mind...
No, RWS, if it didn't pop into your head immediately, you probably don't want to.
Posted by: Cassandra at February 11, 2005 01:37 PM
I'm certainly not going to explain it to her ;p
Posted by: beautifulatrocities at February 11, 2005 02:22 PM
Count me as one of the sewer-mind dwellers.
Like THAT's a surprise.
Posted by: Margi at February 11, 2005 02:51 PM
Utron - it's a play on "protean," methinks.
But when you type in "protein wisdom" into Google, the second link that it returns ....
Posted by: Alex at February 11, 2005 03:43 PM
"...for which I solicited blogger foot pix..."
Dude, and you didn't ask Sondra?
Posted by: CraigC at February 11, 2005 04:24 PM
I feel so cheap and used-- not only did I give you my feet, but i procured for you!
Posted by: jinnderella at February 11, 2005 04:44 PM
LOL, RWS ... the first time my husband saw the website- he said "does he mean THAT kind of protein"?
To which I answered ... "most likely."
Posted by: Carin O'Brien at February 11, 2005 05:17 PM
Sorry I haven't been here before, but now that I have, you've already been slotted as #13 blog at Newzilla.com ... The question is, will you ever get all the way up to #4 where Goldstein resides?
I'll be watching.
Posted by: Newzilla at February 11, 2005 08:54 PM
Jeebuz,
I put my name into google and all I get is some sorry cartoonist
Posted by: scottm at February 11, 2005 11:44 PM
All of that and still no feet.
Posted by: Scott R at February 12, 2005 07:43 AM