A old girlfriend always asked me "If all that organic food is so good for you, WHY DO THOSE STORES HAVE A WHOLE SECTION FOR VITAMINS?"

My parents moved to California from Florida two years ago. As it happens, the closest grocery to their retirement community is a Whole Foods.

Some background: My parents come from the frozen food generation. I remember when the Amana deep freeze was delivered. Then came the "food plan" that stocked the whole appliance -- everything chopped and frozen into packages that perfectly fit the door shelves. I can't remember eating a fresh vegetable growing up -- to my folks, that was retro, pre-war stuff. Only poor people ate fresh stuff cuz they had no choice. Once they served bread and butter, but the butter was butter-flavored Pam. So you get the picture.

Anyway, after his first visit to Whole Foods I asked him what he thought. "Everybody's reading! Walk down the aisles and it's like a library -- people squinting and studying labels like there's gonna be a test." He's right. I'd never noticed it before. But next time you're there, look at how seriously people study the packages.

That's because they're all hypochondriacs

Holy crap, I think I had a bowel movement from reading all those cereal names. Think I'm gonna put on my leather jacket and drive my SUV to the local health nut store right now!

I have previously commented either to agree or express amazement or horror, but today I find
myself touched, deeply touched and filled with
compassion for little Jeff's suffering. I have
frequented the Pacific Heights WF for years because it's on my way to work, so I have grown innured (sp?) to it, but your heartrending words, so full of confusion and conflict, reminded me of my early days as a WF neophyte. Being surrounded and confronted by such near extra-terrestrial goodness and virtue (the staff excepted) is indeed a shock to the system, especially one so drenched in alcohol, tobacco, Legionnaires and melodrama. But once you get over the initial disorientation and begin to shop there, you'll change your viewpoint on Whole Foods and start calling it what we do at work: Whole Paycheck.

Gee, I kinda like Whole Foods. (Full disclosure: I pick up my dinner there on the way to work every day.) But then again, the one in my D.C. suburb is decidedly less hippy-dippy than the one you describe in Berkeley.

They always have a ton of free samples out, such as cheese and dips and sausage and crackers, and their prepared-foods case is always very nice. I mean good stuff, like blackened catfish or salmon, nice vegetables, etc.

Yes, you can get tofu turkey and crap like that, but they have very nice semi-gourmet stuff too, made with eggs and cheese and cream and all that kind of "bad" stuff.

Good soup-and-salad bar, too.

The staff is a touch bohemian, but there's definitely far less of the dirty-hippie vibe than in other "health food" stores I've visited.

I've been to that Whole Foods. You've gotta drive to another one if you want healthy food without so many stinky freakazoids.

The one in Walnut Creek is huge and has a yummy bakery. My military hubby used to get his lunch there, and he's hardly a granola cruncher.

They have the BEST pre-marinated meats... Protein bars suck, go for their buffet thingie.

I only go there because they have a excellent Belgian Beer selection, its better than the selection at Trader Joes and on par with the selection at Bristol Farms. Its quicker than ordering it by mail too.

Of course I'm in line with various bottles off beer and some patchouli oil drenched hippie has their cruelty-free organic wheat grass platter.

I'm pretty sure my mother shops exclusively at Whole Foods. Sometimes she eats in the dining area after visiting the soup bar, but the WF at Rolling Hills Plaza definitely has a more posh clientele than its Berkeley incarnation.

My dad, meanwhile, is a Trader Joes man. He says milk is way cheaper there than the supermarkets. Hell, even I like Trader Joes.

Jeff,

Have you ever thougth about getting out of California? Or at least moving to a part of the state where people don't think anti-psychotics are really candy and straight jackets are a nice fashion accessory?

That or you could start a buisness selling moldy carboard and advertising it as "environmentally safe, recycled, vegan chow"

A virtual twinkie for you, Jeff. Eat up. Want a Diet Coke with that?

Bagels with cream cheese.

A little omelet, made with egg whites (or low-cholesterol eggs).

Kashi cereal (the plain kind).

Fruit, perhaps with a little chunk of cheese.

A carton of yogurt.

Oatmeal.

There. Those are my ideas. No: I don't consider whipping up a few eggs (or even an omelet) to be "cooking."

I'm with Joey. WF out here on the right coast are decidedly less crunchy.

Damn I miss Bristol Farms and Trader Joes. I've had to make do.

AG- I like the taste of Kashi Go-Lean, but, uhhh, it doesn't like me. I think I have a sensitivity to soy protein.

I agree with the other things, though.

I love whole wheat (sprouted wheat are my favorite) bagels with cream cheese (it's even in my A Few Things About Me list :D ); egg white omelets, mmmm; oatmeal with apples, blueberries, walnuts; Dannon Fruit on the Bottom yogurt. Good choices :D

Also, Jeff, I wash a head of Romaine and Red Leaf lettuce every few days and store it in a gigantic container in my fridge, storing the tomatoes, avocadoes, etc in separate containers to keep the lettuce fresh. Then, I mix-up a delicious dressing made of olive oil, fetta cheese, vinegar, and other things. Finally, I cook a few chicken breasts with a bit of garlic salt and then chop them and add them to the salad.

Still, everything in moderation, so, here's your light...

jeff, umm, us coloradans want to know-- is there any actual beef there?

Umm, I have a favor to ask of the Cyber-Harem-- would you grrls go freep my poll at gnxp, puh-leez? godless is way out in front and i want jeff to win!
http://www.gnxp.com/MT2/archives/003556.html

Jinnji!

Oh, you also might like to see a picture of the real scottm, and vote for him! :)

I'm reminded of the quote by none other than Frank Sinatra:

"I feel sorry for people who don't drink because they wake up in the morning -- and that's the best they're gonna feel all day."

God love him.

Yah, and if you think organic food is good for you, just check that pic of Alan Alda! It has turned his beard grey and caused the onset of Male Pattern Baldness!

Our Whole Foods has people working there that take showers. I love the place for the cheese, wine, and beef. Oh, and the bread. Warm freshly baked bread.

But I can go to the Berkeley Bowl & get 7 bags of groceries for the price of 1 bag at WFoods.

the WF's in San Diego sell beef. It actually looks pretty good, although I've never bought any.

My rule of thumb is don't trust a retail establishment that calls it's employees fancy names. I forget what they use, but it's even more pretentious than "associate"

Jeff--great post. Really. I've always hated Whole Foods. I had a vegan boyfriend once, he didn't last long. Hippies.

Please, please, please go again — next time wearing a Bush-Cheney '04 T-shirt. Now that will result in a hilarious post.

lol i did wear my Condi for Prez shirt there once & almost caused a riot.

I used to go to the WF in Mill Valley. Imagine my shock and delight upon finding "all natural wheat cat litter." Hippies' cats shit in all natural wheat! Years later, I still can't get over that.

Just eat some freaking Cheerios, have a glass of oj, and quite your whining.

The WF in Edgewater, NJ employs mostly central americans. Boy, they must really wonder sometimes how our society goes through such contortions just to eat. Nevertheless, that WF carries great meats and fish, has lots of samplers (you could have a full lunch just tasting those) and in the prepared foods have sushi and MACARONI AND CHEESE as well as MEATLOAF.

The founder of WF may be a Vegan but he is a true blue capitalist. He said that he is there to sell what most people want within his niche market. If he sold only vegan stuff he would bankrupt the company and the board would have the right to lynch him. Spoken like the true Texan that he is.

That's "quit" your whining.

By the way, it could be worse. You could be forced to shop at the Trader Joe's on Lake and Del Mar in Pasadena. There you will encounter the dowdy, sullen, over-sized glasses wearing, cable knit sweater and turtle neck wearing, frizzy unkempt hair, foot shuffling type people that are likely employees or students at Cal Tech. Oh, and everyone of the cashiers has carded me for wine more than three times each. (I buy a lot of wine. I'm a Cancer. I need alcohol to deaden all the emotion.) "Are you 21?" - Lady, look at the bags and dark circles under my eyes and then ask me again if I'm 21. Yeah, I've been 21 for about 12 years. One of these days I'm going to say, "No, but I'm an old soul." Thing is, she'd probably buy that.

Last night the cashier asked for my ID and said some bullshit like "if I can prevent one person from getting hurt, it's worth the hassle." Wow! what a citizen servant! You might prevent some 19 year old from getting plastered on $1.99 wine.

(Hey, this venting about the grocery store is cleansing.)

Wow, is that the real Moxie?
::struck dumb with heroine worship::

Can't remember the chain in Houston that was similar to Whole Foods, but I remember in the mid90s one of the employees sued the store due to sexual harassment. He was straight, everyone else in his department was gay...

Poor sap. Talk about fresh meat

I was just at our Whole Foods (Seattle) not more than 30 minutes ago...swearing AGAIN that it was the last time I would ever go there for all of the above-mentioned reasons plus a parking lot that could qualify as a place to hold a demolition derby. Ours also has an odd smell to it (sort of like when you walk into your old elementary school you know exactly where you are). Well, at our WF when you walk in the front door and smell its smell, there's no mistaking where you are. This post is timely and made me laugh very hard! Thanks for the chuckles. BTW, will be purchasing my Beautiful Atrocities t-shirt soon.

My hubby has been in some hot water for bringing home items from WF's. Look here to see what messed up marshmellows he brought home.

They can't even do marshmellows!!

When my mom and I go there she despises that she can't even buy a friggin' Pepsi.

Just move down here to the Central Valley...all the heinous bad air of the bay area, more mild traffic and republicans for miles.

Ohhhh yeah. That's some good retail smackdown, Jeffro.

I live a few blocks from a WF. For fun, I like to go there and ask directions to the aerosol cheese and Merit Menthol 100s. After the blank stare, I ask 'em for a quick pick Lotto ticket.

For real hoot, go to the Whole Foods mothership store (6th & Lamar in Austin TX). It has an attached hippieshit book superstore. Valhalla for stern NPR totebag schoolmarms.

And another thing I'm glad you mentioned: that f'ing WF checkout magazine rack. Utne Reader, Yoga Journal, Holistic Pet, spare me. Where the fuck is Bat Boy? And "Runner's World"? Are there so many new technological advancements in running that one needs monthly goddam updates? "In the New Runners World: Speed Secrets Revealed! Take Bigger and Faster Steps." Gack.

(BTW: "Yogurt Triathalon"... heh heh, killer.)

Having been to a Whole Foods store, I'm still chuckling over your "Afterbirth magazine" comment, Jeff. You nailed that one!

Pre-marinated meats at the supermarket? Sounds like the stuff that's on the cusp of, if not already at, its sell-by date. And what's up with those "Luna" protein bars made especially for women? I've always been afraid that if I ate them I might start growing he-boobs.

The Pacific Heights WF, across the bay from you, is decidedly more yuppie than granola. But it's stupidly overpriced, and I can get just as high quality stuff for less at the Mollie Stone's Tower Market right by where I live.

Your description of the Berkeley WF makes it sound like the Rainbow Grocery in SF, the food coop populated by dreadlocked, rusted-out-and-bumper-sticker-festooned-Volvo/Subaru/VW-bug-driving, patchouli-reeking twats (of both, as well as indeterminate, genders) from ages 19 to 90, which closes every year to recognize the holiday of May Day.

I sometimes go in there for certain bulk-food items I can't find anywhere else, but I never remember to don my Che-in-the-crosshairs shirt from Allah before going there. Wearing a Cox & Forkum "Branded Donkey" shirt into Rainbow Grocery would likely cause some of those people to spontaneously prolapse their colons. Maybe even their uteri too, where applicable. I should get one of those, wear it to Rainbow, and walk up to the staff asking where the meat department is (there is none).

Jeepers. It appears you've touched a nerve here.

I like Wild Oats. The major things I like to get at such places: 1) macaroni made with quinoa, since it's very high in protein, and if I use it to make mac 'n' cheese for the husband, we're theoretically getting a healthier meal; 2) Blue sky cream soda, when I can find it (or Hansen's Vanilla Creme); 3) Ayervedic soap for my husband; 4) Yoga Journal for my husband.

But mostly I shop at our local uber-Ralph's, and Trader Joe's.

This thread has turned out to be a hit, I can only imagine what might have happenned had Jeff included pics of the customers feet.

I really like Whole Foods, sorta. Err, rather.. the incredibly cute alterna-hotties who work at Whole Foods. I actually left a craigslist missed connection for one, and got a response!

I swear there should be a "Girls Of Whole Foods" calendar. ;)

Other than that, the shit is overpriced as hell and the fucking ATTITUDE of the place is nauseating. Also they treat their employees like crap. A friend of mine who stocked produce once got fired for taking home expired produce.. to eat.. because he wasn't paid enough. GROOVY.

=darwin

I used to live by a Wild Oats in Tucson (the foothills location for anyone wondering) and the UPS inadvertantly delivered a package for me to the store. Not sure how that can happen... but it did. Anyway, after many calls to UPS, we finally figured out where the package had ended up, so I went to the friendly customer service counter at Wild Oats and was not ready for the hilarity I was about to experience: I had ordered some cd's and a magazine online, and when I talked to the Wild Oats people they told me it would be really hard to find my package in back and why didn't I just get the website to send the stuff again? I didn't see how the website should have to pay for this error on the UPS man's part, so I said no, find my package. So they call me a few days later and tell me "oh, sorry, we've put your stuff on the shelf in the vitamin section". HUH?! So after going back and forth way too many times, they finally magically came up with my package, und, with my name & address clearly marked. Why they couldn't bother calling me up (I was listed in the phonebook....) is still beyond me. But that store's since gone out of business... gee, could it be the snotty attitude of everyone who worked there? Well, and the fact that their produce costs 5 times as much as anywhere else.... but you're doing the earth a favor by shopping there!

Aw, I like Whole Paycheck, most of the time. It's the only place I can buy good venison, decent aged sirloins, and Belhaven Ale all in one artery-clogging trip.

And oh, the entertainment. For example, the nosey know it all customers. So there I was, buying almond butter. I like almond butter. I prefer it to peanut butter on my multi-grain fiber-loaded overbaked bread, but that's just me. So as I closely peruse the label of the jar for a full 10 minutes (hey, watchit...), some hypochondriac, um.. ah... some other customer says "You know they make that in the same factory as they make the peanut butter."

"Oh. Ok. Thanks" says I, still reading the label.

"No, really" she insists, "Thats not a good one. They make it in the same place they have peanuts."

Of course I knew where she was going with this, but what the hell - I'm game, I'll play along. Whee. "Yes, you said that. Peanuts. Thanks." And I place the jar gingerly into my basket as if it were butter not made of sunny organic california almonds but cloudy inorganic Nevada TNT.

Oh, but she insists: "Look, do what you want, but you're going to be very very sick if you eat that one."

"Why?" Asks I.

And, sohelpmegod, but Ms. Fruitroll Clueless Crunchy Chondriac says "Because of the peanuts!" in the same way you tell a 2-year old the hot water is HOT.

"Last I checked, peanuts weren't cyanide, so I think I'll be just fine. But thanks for the concern!"

"Well, they are if you're allergic to them!" Like in "Duh!" Like in "How dumb are you, Mr Almond Butter Man?"

Finally, a lightbulb goes off over her head. "Oh, you're not allergic are you? I am.. even the smell of a peanut makes me swell up for a week. I can't fly because of that."

"Ah. And no, I'm not allergic. Peanuts are nice."

"So why don't you buy peanut butter?"

"Because I prefer almond butter, actually."

And then, the kicker. The punchline. The chutzpah, the gall, the Nanny: "So can't you buy the peanut butter and save the almond butter for people who can't eat peanut butter? Why don't you put that back and buy the peanut butter instead?"

Well, you had to see it coming. Control freak-itis. I smile politely, chuckled, and bid her a nice day in the least condescending manner I could muster (which was pretty condesending, I have to admit) and me and my almond butter went to the bread aisle to buy some fresh and hopelessly overpriced multi-grain colon blow.

Tonecluster,

If I didn't live in San Francisco, that story would be completely unbelievable. But I do, and it isn't.

But Hypochondriac Lady (HL) somehow failed to comprehend that you were actually doing her fellow hypos a FAVOR by eating all the eeevil peanut-contaminated almond butter.

But I admire your patience in messing with her. Sometime around "because of the peanuts!", I probably would have asked her how she'd like a peanut-oil-lubed wiener in her colon.

Left Coast, we have a different 'Whole Foods' here, but same magazine rack/non-showering or armpit-shaving employee rules as well.

I'm a vegetarian, but I DON'T eat crap like protein bars, alfalfa, I f'ing HATE steamed vegetables and shit like that. I eat Vegetarian Junk Food. I eat phony burgers, hot dogs (and chili dogs, and corn dogs), chili (not that organic crap the sell at WF, I make my own with lots of fried fake meat), cheese fries (damn, I getting hungry), cheeseburgers, you get the idea.

So WF ROCKS as far as that's concerned. In the past, I've made the mistake of grabbing one of their ready-made desserts, cause they'll have like a strawberry parfait or something - tastes like CRAP.

Only problem is, they don't have cigarettes. And YES, I'm a smoking vegetarian.

Why am I even talking about this?

They could at least sell American Spirit!

My God jeff, this could replace cat blogging...

You have totally gone all cutting-edge and crap on us. Grocery-blogging... who knew? I agree on the Trader Joe's - it's an out-of-body experience in SoCal. You're taking your life in your hands going there on a Friday afternoon - it's like the Indy500 or RollerDerby - the women are mean as hell and the men are crazed.

The only time I've seen SoCal people turn un-mellow. For God's sake, don't get between them and their OneBuckChuck - the knives come out.

The only Trader Joes here is in Emeryville, a tiny little burg squeezed between IKEA & the new AMC 50 plex cinema, with the result that the cars are backed up onto the freeway trying to get there, which makes no sense because there's no parking anyway

Jeff, just think how many cockroaches and rats you might find if you go in after hours when no-one else does. Pretty scary. Venus

There's so much more to eating healthy than consuming protein bars. I've totally gone organic or natural for my family's meals. My husband and kids still like their so called "good stuff to eat" such as chips, candy, icecream, pizza etc. I just make sure it's natural or organic. I have to agree, there are some nasty-ass health food items out there and soy products are really not as great for you as they claim to be. I still smoke but try to put as much as an effort as I can in healthy eating and excersise. I guess the most important thing are the kids. Their bodies absorb so many more times the pesticides and chemicals than us adults. Supplements are available in health food stores because the soil is so depleted of nutrients, our bodies are not able to get everything we need from foods alone. I have to say, that comment about the needing a shower gave me a chuckle, lmao. The reason why those particular individuals are a little ripe is because most natural health advocates know the dangers of aluminum in deoderants but geez, no need to stink, there are other alternatives available,lol.

I like whole foods because i have easy access to non processed foods, raw foods, and free range meats. Last time i checked, randalls forgot to order their next shipment of happy chicken.
Just because some people choose to shop where they at least have the option of buying healthy foods doesn't mean whole foods and their patrons suck and or stink.

I will admit, whole foods has become a lot more corporate over the years, which is disappointing because it used to have such a mom and pop feel in the 80's and 90's. I remember when whole foods had their own juice bar, not a stupid jamba juice.
You could get any juice you want, now we are limited to what jamba juice makes.
However whole foods has also made some positive advances, the original WF in Austin, TX is like an amazing Restaurant/grocery. It's 10 times bigger than the one we have in Houston, and ours is pretty big.

Anyhoo, i don't know what i would do without some of my organics and raw foods, so i love whole foods for that.

Thank you whole foods for giving Americans an alternative. They may still choose to go to McDonalds but at least they have options.

Looks like most Food Hole's have the annoying problem of never having enough parking. And just so you know, the Food Hole in Ann Arbor MI doesn't have as many smelly hippies...in fact, sometimes I think they're more condescending than the hypochondriacs.

OH My God!!!! I haven't laughed sooo hard in soooo long(at a computer screen). For the record, I LOVE whole foods, along the same lines as the above mentioned, good place to find organic, natural foods...I'm doing the whole feed the family better stuff thing, and I have to admit, part of the new diet (way of eating) does consist on cutting back, because Whole Foods leaves you NO CHOICE. But LMAO, even though I LOVE THE PLACE, I can't get over how true your comments are...Man, I was in there the other day revelling in the coolness of the joint, you know showing the kids the $10 all natural organic crackers that we could some day afford to buy, when I heard this chant or song or something...My kids and I were like, What the Hell? (Okay, I was like What the Hell?) And then again, 5 minutes later, some chant or song is bellowed out, so of course, I'm laughing to myself, saying "God this is soooo much better than shopping at HEB where there's not nearly as much entertainment." So, every 5 minutes, this chant or song was released through the store. I really wanted to go hunt down these individuals and just see who the hell was doing this. I knew I would find like 2 or 3 people bowing to the east down each aisle, blessing each item that they selected. Then at the check out line, it was like watching National Geographic 2006, all the different varieties that hung out at the watering hole, from the hippie to the hypochondriac to the "Damn! Can I find another place to insert a hunk (and I mean hunk) of metal in or through or around my body?" to even the "Whatever dude, I don't give a shit, I needed a job somewhere" employee who was selling the pepsis and cigarettes out of his trench coat. Anyway, after a long hard Monday, this sure was a really cool break from the norm...