« December 2004 | Main | February 2005 »
January 31, 2005
NO SHIT SHERLOCK
Posted by Jeff at 06:58 PM | Comments (6)
...THE HARDER THEY FALL
Posted by Jeff at 05:49 PM | Comments (1)
GADDAFI REPORT: THE LATEST ON LIBYA'S ANSWER TO THE OSBOURNES
Gaddafi on allegations of complicity in plot to assassinate Crown
Prince Abdullah: "Accusing Libya of being a country that sponsors terrorism is a very dangerous thing. That has
psychological repercussions. Libya could argue, 'Since I am still on the terrorist list, why not commit terrorism, which I am accused of anyway. Why should I pay the price
without getting something in return?'"
On the possibility of Iraqi-style elections in Libya: "What for? We have surpassed that stage you are presently in. All the people are in power now. Do you want them to regress & elect somebody to replace them? Libyans are in paradise."
On Libya's glorious history: "The Libyans helped liberate Italy from fascism. The Italians don't like to remember this—the black side of the story. But the Libyans suffered as much as the Italians from fascism."
On the Axis of Evil: “The North Korean nuclear problem is a serious & dangerous issue, & North Korea & Iran should take some measures Libya took."
Libya awarded its first contracts to U.S. companies in 18 years.15 licenses offered for onshore & offshore oil & gas exploration & will offer 40 more next month. Libya produces 1.6m barrels per day & hopes to raise this to 2.1m by 2010. French financier: "Libya is very strange - people do not want to make decisions, & everything seems to go to the very top, to Gaddafi."
Son Seif al-Islam: "My father has been promoting the idea of
direct democracy in Libya for almost 26 years now.
Unidentified Western consultant on the Colonel: "He's just like George Bush. He's a conviction politician. Sometimes he's fanatical, but he really believes what he believes."
Seif on Libyan politics: "We don't have an opposition - there is no opposition."
On succeeding his father: "My father does not have any official position in the Libyan state. He is not a king or a president or a prime minister & thus does not have a job to transfer to anyone. He is the Guide of the Revolution. And that is something unique to him, something that cannot be transmitted to any heir by an act of will. In any case my father does not believe in hereditary rule."
Seif on Arab denial of the Holocaust: "It is incorrect to deny the Holocaust because I think the Holocaust is a fact." (Flashback - the Colonel on Israel: "Israel is nothing but a mirage, something that does not exist.")
Seif on insurgent killers in Iraq: "The result is clear, that it's an illegal occupation & therefore people should resist it."
Oakland's own
Heavenly States
first rock band to play Libya, & first Westerners since Anita Bryant c.
1963.
Lead singer Ted Nesseth: "I'm going to be the new Elvis in Arabic lands."
(Nesseth
in 2004: "If I were John Kerry, I would go up to Dave Matthews & say,
Dude, please don't tour the swing states. You're crampin' our f*ckin' style.")
See also Libya's Modern-Sounding Son; Anita Bryant Fact Page
Posted by Jeff at 06:46 AM | Comments (6)
January 30, 2005
1ST LT. NAINOA K. HOE 1978-2005. SON OF VIETNAM VET, KILLED GETTING OUT THE VOTE IN IRAQ. READ THE WHOLE STORY
Posted by Jeff at 01:59 PM | Comments (9)
January 29, 2005
Iraq & Iraqis: "After few years from now inside Iraq it will be very prodding to sit beside a chimney fire & tell the story of that day to a grandson or two, or at least to remember that day alone & remember that we weren’t afraid of a bunch of masked head-choppers who wanted to take us to dark ages where we would be slaves of evil."
Hammorabi: "Surprisingly those who voted for the master of the mass graves are abstaining now!"
Free Iraqi: "Tomorrow I & the Iraqis that are going to vote will rule, not the politicians we're going to vote for, as it's our decision and & work for us this time & if we don't like them we'll kick them out! Tomorrow my heart will race my hand to the box."
Iraq the Model: "The terrorists have challenged the bravery of the Iraqi people but they messed with the wrong people. The people have accepted the challenge; democracy & elections are not a luxury for Iraqis, it's an issue of life or death; we're not the kind of people that kneel to terror & the sights of blood & beheadings "
Sun of Iraq: "Do you know what I will do? I will buy new clothes & I will put the flowers around my neck to meet the democracy it is like my missing sweetheart whom I looking for her in my dreams. Please say with me long live the democracy long live the love long live Iraq."
Losers Blog: "I've seen on TV hope & smile return to Iraq faces even tears in their eyes, a thing we even couldn't dream about it finally come true…"
I did notice a number of Iraqi expatriate blogs in Europe with nothing but contempt for the American occupiers. Of course, they're living in Europe instead of Iraq for a reason, which was removed by the blood of American soldiers. These gutless cowards would do well to consider who would be occupying the country now if not the Coalition. Or are genocidal despots supposed to vanish by goodwill, & representative govt to spring from the earth like daffodils?
Posted by Jeff at 10:37 PM | Comments (6)
AS THE HIJAB TURNS
EGYPTIAN ACTOR AHMED AL-FISHAWY & HIND EL-HINNAWY
Egypt has been rocked by a real-life soap opera, in which a pious soap star has been hit with a very public paternity suit. Hind el-Hinnawy says she & Ahmed al-Fishawy met on a TV set & had an urfi marriage, an unregistered contract often used as cover for affairs.
In a Sharia court, Hinnawy's testimony would only count for ½ that of Fishawy's. Instead, she's taken him to civil court & asked for a DNA test (he's so far refused). The case is remarkable for Egypt because of Hinnawy's shocking candor, & the fact that Fishawy is a public moralist & follower of Amr Khaled, a charismatic Muslim televangelist. The cast:
Ahmed al-Fishawy.
24yo actor known for public piety. Son of actor
Farouq al-Fishawy. Famous for role in soap
Amma Nour
(Auntie Nour), sitcom
Shabab Online (Arab Friends, which he left for religious
reasons; first-ever Arab sitcom), & host of
Yalla Ya Shabab (Let's Go,
Kids), in which he dispensed advice to Muslim youth.
On his faith: "It doesn't mean that I won't play someone who smokes, drinks, steals or does drugs. I can play someone who does all of that as long as the plot shows that those actions will lead to harm."
Hind el-Hinnawy. 27yo costume designer.
Daughter of university professors. Says met on set of sitcom Baba Geh
(When Daddy Returned). Refused to have abortion. "I am trying to say to
other people, not only girls, to try to have the courage to be
responsible for what you do. People prefer that a woman live a
psychologically troubled life; that doesn't matter as long as it doesn't
become a scandal."
Amr Khaled.
36yo 'neofundamentalist' televangelist sensation, popular in elite society.
Criticized as Rasputin of Egypt, 'sheikh of chic'. Enemies include
both Egyptian govt &
militant Islamic groups. Embraced by educated youth as alternative to
Saudi Wahabism. Driven from Egypt due to popularity (rumored to
have embarrassed
unveiled First
Lady Suzanne Mubarak when daughter-in-law took up hijab
after hearing Khaled's tapes).
Khaled parable: "2 young women head to the mall, but the more religious insists on visiting the mosque first. As they listen to the sermon, the unveiled woman starts to cry, & asks for a head scarf. Later that day, she is killed by a car. Fortunately, she has renewed her commitment to Islam."
See also Human Rights Watch report on women in Egypt. Farouq al-Fishawy Refuses Role of Homosexual Journalist. From Amr Diab to Amr Khaled. Via Big Pharoah
Posted by Jeff at 11:55 AM | Comments (6)
January 27, 2005
DESPERATE LIBERALS
WELCOME TO HYSTERIA LANE, WHERE DESPERATE WOMEN TRY TO COPE WITH THE DEATH OF PALEOLIBERAL DREAMS
Nan: Will her House mutiny now that she's led them to their lowest ebb since WWII? Will they really allow pro-life types to move in RIGHT NEXT DOOR?
Hill: The Ice Queen whose randy hubby had more slips than Victoria's Secret. Ruthless, scheming, she woke up one day light-years from the political center: will her plot to impersonate a moderate succeed?
Barb: The victim of runaway hormone replacement therapy, she veers from public crybaby to vicious tantrums. Now that younger, prettier, more successful Condi has moved in, will it drive Barb right over the edge?
Babs: "Dios mio," grumbles her maid, "if that bitch tells me to pack her bags for France one more time, I'll give her a misty, watercolor memory right in her fat ass!"
Mo: The lonely spinster, desperate for attention, Mo throws gifts & money at men in a pathetic attempt to hold onto them. But can she ever get over her obsession with George??
Posted by Jeff at 12:57 PM | Comments (22)
January 26, 2005
E-CARDS FOR EVERY INTERNET OCCASION
Kiss My Balls e-cards: I Wanna F*ck You Like an Animal, Sex N Fags on the Brain, etcBridezilla e-card: Please shut up about your f*cking wedding
Ben Affleck e-cards: "Truly great friends are hard to find, difficult to leave,
& impossible to forget" Pin-Struck: Personalized voodoo curses by e-card
Ovos Films Video Greetings: Recommended - She's Got a Beef, Veni, Vidi, Veni, Lonely Guy
Punjabi Bollywood Greeting Cards Sample: Boliya
Iconograms: Send an icon to someone special
Say It With Boobs: "When you care enough to send the very breast"
Our Lady of Guadalupe e-cards
Virtual crack-rock e-cards: What better way to make someone's day than the wonderful gesture of crack cocaine?
A Woman's Cyberspace Postcards
Anti-Microsoft Cartes Postales
Matt Damon Virtual Postcards
Lindsborg, Kansas e-cards: A Little Bit of Kansas in the Heartland
Jane Austen e-cards: "Expect a most agreeable Letter; for not being overburdened with subject -- (having nothing at all to say) -- I shall have no check to my Genius from beginning to end."
My Uganda electronic greeting cards
Official Gumby e-cards
Virtual Gautama Buddhist e-cards
PETA e-cards: Pam Anderson: "Turn over a new leaf, go veg"Latin Soap Opera e-cards with theme song music
Dixie Rising: Confederate Pride Greeting Cards
Get a Clue Ditch-Generator Letter for Stalkers
What Does Islam Say About War? e-card
World of Escher e-cards: The Place for Everything Escher
Baking with Betty Crocker e-cards
Posted by Jeff at 03:56 PM | Comments (12)
WHITE TRASH WEDNESDAY: NO-BAKE MEATLOAF
¾ cup reconstituted beef stock2½ tsp salt
1 box lemon Jello
1 can corned beef
¾ cup crushed corn flakes
¼ cup dried onion flakes
3 tbsp mustard
2 tbsp Butter Flavored Crisco½ tsp garlic powder
½ cup ice water
¼ cup chopped green pepper
3 hard boiled eggs
Bring beef stock & salt to boil. Stir in gelatin & cool. Smash corned beef with mallet. Combine with corn flakes, dried onion, mustard, Crisco,& garlic powder. Add ice water to beef stock gelatin & beat with electric mixer. Add corned beef mixture & mix well. Stir in green pepper. Mash into buttered baking dish or decorative ring mold with whole hard boiled eggs inside. Salt. Refrigerate until stiff. Serve with saltines.
More White Trash Wednesdays at Riehl World, CrankyNeocon, Daisy Cutter, My Vast Right Wing Conspiracy, Nickie Goomba, Rachael Ray Redux , Six Meat Buffet ,& Vince Aut Morire. See also Crisco FAQs & What's Up with My Penis, on disadvantages of Crisco as lube
Posted by Jeff at 11:51 AM | Comments (16)
January 25, 2005
BEAUTIFUL ATROCITIES GUIDE TO LATIN SOAPS
Latin soap stars Barbara Mori, Carlos Ponce, Thalia, Murilo Benicio, & Natalia Oriero
Latin soaps are arguably the most popular entertainment on the planet, captivating audiences of hundreds of millions not just in Latin America, but the US, Russia, China, Eastern Europe, Africa, Indonesia, etc. Unlike American soaps, telenovelas are the Hollywood of Latin America (which has little film industry), the actors superstars. When dubbed & serialized, these luminaries become international sensations (Salma Hayek became a star in 1989's Teresa)
Latin soaps air in primetime, run for one season, & almost always spawn hit songs. While American soaps don't travel well, there's something archetypal about Latin soaps that audiences all over the world find irresistible, whether it's Mexico's florid sudsers, Brazil's racy melodramas (which feature things like lesbian vampires), or the sophisticated serials of Colombia & Argentina. A brief intro:
SIMPLEMENTE MARIA (Argentina, 1967) Archetypal soap about poor & beautiful seamstress who comes to big city, is ruined by rich pendejo, but takes literacy classes & overcomes obstacles through faith & Singer sewing machines. Starred Irma Roy (r.) who later became powerful Peronista politician. Has been remade 5 times. During Peruvian version 1969, 10,000 people gathered in Lima plaza for Maria's wedding.
Academic study in Peru noted show's effects: "1) sales of Singer sewing machines soared wherever shown; 2) enrollment in adult literacy classes rose; 3) rural-to-urban migration rose." Mexican version 1989 starred Victoria Ruffo (real name Victoria Eugenia Guadalupe Martines del Rio Moreno Fayad), played to huge audience in Russia.
ESCRAVA ISAURA (Isaura the Slave, Brazil 1976) Based on 1875 Bernardo Guimaraes abolitionist novel about white slave, made intl star of Lucilia Santos. Played in 95 countries. Watched by 450 million in China. Santos
first foreign actress to win Golden Eagle Prize in China. Video.
LOS RICOS TAMBIEN LLORAN (The Rich Cry Too, Mexico 1979) Veronica Castro starred as Mariana in weepy sudser about maid who falls for rich employer's son, is dumped, goes nuts, loses child, etc. Best Telenovela 1979. In 1992, syndicated to post-Communist Russia where it was a sensation, drawing 100 million viewers. Video trailer featuring Veronica Castro & her great big hair.
Pravda reported warring Georgian & Abkhazian soldiers arranged truce at hours show aired so they could watch. Theme song: Aprendi a llorar. Castro's son is pop star Cristian Castro. Archenemy: Lucia Mendez
TU O NADIE (Mexico, 1985) Diva Lucia Mendez as Raquel, a simple but pneumatic girl who falls in love with a mysterious stranger who's not all he seems to be. Syndicated in China, Cypress, Germany (Ruf de Herzens), Italy (Cuori di Pietra), Lebanon, Malaysia, Romania, Russia (Nikto, krome tebya), Poland, USA (No One But You), Zambia. Hit theme song: Corazaon de Piedra.
BAILA CONMIGO (Mexico, 1992) Mexican Grease set in 1950s, with pop bombshell Paulina Rubio improbably cast as wallflower vying for Rafael Rojas with Bibi Gaytan. Was voted Worst Telenova of 1992
KASSANDRA (Venezuela, 1993) Coraima Torres stars in switched-baby tale of girl raised by Gypsies, only to unknowingly marry step-brother. Guiness Book of World Records for telenovela broadcast in most countries: 128. In Indonesia, govt warned that absenteeism from work for purpose of watching Kassandra unacceptable. Townspeople of Kucevo, Serbia, wrote letter to Venezuelan govt & cc'd Slobodan Milosovic: "We know Kassandra's
innocent & we want her trial stopped!
#1 show in Bosnia, yanked off the air in TV power struggle, restored with help of US State Dept, which said "Sometimes one needs to help them fill up the air with what must be perceived a perfectly good soap opera." Photogallery of Coraima Torres' publicity tour to Bulgaria
MARIMAR (Mexico, 1994) Megasuccessful vehicle for pop star Thalia playing improbably gorgeous peasant. Featured talking dog. Most successful of Thalia's soaps. Others: Maria Mercedes (1992), Maria la del Barrio (1995), Rosalinda (1998), all of which spawned hit songs.
MariMar intl hit: "During Ramadan some of the mosques in Abidjan decided to bring forward prayer time. When Marimar comes on, everything stops in Côte d’Ivoire." Thalia received in Manila by President like foreign head of state.
In 2000, Thalia married Sony Records honcho Tommy Mottola in $350,000 wedding dress with 52ft train. Crossover CD tanked. Archenemy: Paulina Rubio. (Teens Thalia, Paulina Rubio, & Bibi Gaytan in Menudo-like group Timberiche, which ended in wild onstage catfight. This year, Paulina outraged Thalia by crashing her Greatest Hits CD party.)
DOS MUJERES, UN CAMINO (2 Women, 1 Path, Mexico, 1994) Aka the soap Erik Estrada had to learn Spanish for. #1 rated megatrashy melodrama with Estrada torn between Bibi Gaytan
&
drag idol Laura Leon aka the Mexican Cher. Cameo by Tex-Mex singer Selena, later slain by demented fan. Kitschy theme song is staple in gay Latin discos. Video: Laura Leaon in latex dress. Laura Leon also starred in equally trashy El Premio Mayor (voted Worst Telenovela 1996)
CAFE CON AROMA DE MUJER (Colombia, 1994) Guy Ecker (born in Brazil to American parents) & Margarita Rosa de Francisco starred in story set in coffee plantations of Colombia, featuring vallenato music (popularized by pop star/soap hunk Carlos Vives). Most successful soap in Columbian history.
NADA PERSONAL (Mexico, 1996) Ana Colchero & Jose Angel Llamas starred in hit soap that brought new realism to telenovelas, dealing with drug trafficking, police corruption, & Mexico's soaring crime rate.
BETTY LA FEA (Ugly Betty, Colombia 2000) Ana Maria Orozco starred in hilarious, smash-hit soap about accident-prone, dowdy secretary who outsmarts her bosses. Opposite of usual light-skinned blonde novela bimbos. When Betty was offered a bribe, network deluged with calls & newspaper columnist begged Betty 'not to be swallowed by corruption'.
In Ecuador, Congress suspended late-night debate to watch. Watched by over 80 million in US & Latin America. Spawned comic strip, doll, & cartoon series. ng theme, Yo Soy Betty, La Fea. Sequel tanked.
O CLONE (The Clone, Brazil, 2001) Love story about Brazilian youth & Muslim girl, filmed partly in Morocco, dealt with polygamy, arranged marriages, & drug addiction. Ministry of Health acknowledged O Clon did more for prevention & treatment of drug dependency than government campaigns. Screenwriters inserted testimony from real-life drug addicts between scenes. Stars Giovanna Antonelli & Murilo Benicio (in 3 roles). First Brazilian soap shown in US with English subtitles.
RUBI (Mexico, 2004) Remake of 1968 serial, distinguished by the fact that heroine is rapacious BITCH who will stop at nothing. Stars Uruguayan / Japanese bombshell Barbara Mori.
See also
Soaps
with a Latin Scent ;
Telenovelas in Latin
America ;
Love, Tears, Betrayal, & Health Messages
Posted by Jeff at 11:45 AM | Comments (54)
January 24, 2005
ICELAND TO IRAQ: WE'RE SORRY
Icelanders apologize for Iraq war - Reuters
Dear Oppressed Iraqis,
We're really sorry about all this. If anyone had asked, we wouldn't have gone along with it. Of course, we don't even have a military, although I think we sent a couple of school crossing guards to Afghanistan. We're sorry the glorious insurgents keep blowing you up, but at least you don't have to listen to Bjork.
Do you have fresh vegetables there? We've never even seen them. We do have a little dish of rotten shark meat you bury in a hole for months until it resembles your dead Aunt Clyde, then dig up (assuming you can still find it) & serve with fondue & Brennivin, our world famous potato-caraway schnapps aka the Black Death (tastes something like distilled cod). So you see, things could be worse.
We really don't do much at all except get pissed & drive our cars off the side of the road. Occasionally we stagger down to the Iceland Penis Museum, & have a laugh. Frankly, Icelanders have really never done shit. We did colonize Greenland, a place marauding Europeans were really standing in line for. Then we discovered America but decided to pass; that should tell you something.
We did recently offer residency to world-famous anti-Semitic crackpot Bobby Fischer, who said his problems were caused by 'Jews, secret Jews, or CIA rats who work for the Jews.' Just between you & me, our little protest means f*ck-all. We don't really want to join the EU because they'll make us stop whaling, which would leave us with nothing but disinterred shark & pickled ram's balls. And frankly, global warming doesn't sound so bad.
As we say in Iceland, Ég nauðgaði mömmu þinni svo illa à gær að rassgatið á henni er eldrautt!
Posted by Jeff at 10:17 AM | Comments (20)
January 21, 2005
WORD OF THE DAY: FOOTBALL
Condoleezza Rice: "I find football so interesting strategically. It's the closest thing to war. What you are doing is taking & yielding territory & have certain strategies & tactics."
Camille Paglia: "I have learned an enormous amount from watching football & have applied those lessons in my war against the feminist & academic establishment. I block & tackle with pleasure & love in particular to run 'misdirection' plays on feminist leaders--who must be baseball fans, since they still haven't caught on."
Football Fans for Truth: "John Kerry throws a football like a girl."
Don DeLillo: "Football is brutal only from a distance. In the middle of it there's a calm, a tranquility. There's a sense of order even at the end of a running play with bodies strewn everywhere."
Jack Kemp: "Too often, football is poetically described in terms of war, pitched battles, heroic feats & as a matter of life and death. How trite those words seem when juxtaposed against the sacrifice of real heroes like Pat Tillman."
Phyllis Diller: "The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public."
Dartmouth Dean of Admissions Karl Furstenberg: "Football, & the culture that surrounds it, is antithetical to the academic mission of colleges such as ours."
Roger Simon: "All Americans needed was a leader who could give them a sense of confidence, just as he had done when he played a dying football player & asked his team to 'win one for the Gipper.' As Reagan told David Brinkley, 'There have been times in this office when I've wondered how you could do the job if you hadn't been an actor.'
Martin Schwarz: "President George W Bush's administration is using the issue of weapons of mass destruction as a political football, fabricating non-existent threats while turning a blind eye to real ones."
Rita Lasar, founder of September 11th Families for Peaceful Tomorrows: "The idea that President Bush would rally support around his campaign by using our loved ones is hard for me to believe. Keep your hands off ground zero. Do not make a political football out of this."
Hugh Rodham on sister Hillary Clinton's ruthless persona: "That's just her business face. You know, like your game face when you play football."
George Will: "Football combines two of the worst things in American life. It is violence punctuated by committee meetings."
Theodore Roosevelt: "I am delighted to have you play football. I believe in rough, manly sports."
John F. Kennedy: "Politics is like football; if you see daylight, go through the hole."
University of Wisconsin professor Margaret Carlisle Duncan: "An institution that promotes male dominance."
OJ Simpson: "When I finished playing ball, the one thing I wanted was never to be introduced as an ex-football player. And I think I succeeded."
Robert Scheer: "Isn't there something perverse about a nation completely engrossed in football while the drums of war beat persistently in the background?"
Hunter S. Thompson: "We could use a little fun, right now, with all these rumors of war & anthrax going around. All war & no football makes Johnny a dull boy."
More Hunter S. Thompson: "Betting on George Bush to win this coming election would be like betting the Denver Broncos to win the Super Bowl."
See also Women's Professional Football League
Posted by Jeff at 07:27 AM | Comments (0)
January 19, 2005
CAPITAN AMERICA
SF Chron has a hilarious piece on the wild world of Latin American baseball. A's outfielder Eric Byrnes is a celebrity in the Dominican Republic, where he plays winter ball & is dubbed Capitan America. The first time he arrived, there was a crime scene outline of a body in the middle of the hotel lobby, where a guy had just been shot.
The Minneapolis Star Tribune also has a great series on baseball's frontier. Twins first baseman Doug Mientkiewicz: "It's a good trip if you don't get shot." Pitcher Chad Moeller: "We were coming back from a road trip & someone ran our bus off the road when we were doing 60. We caught up to that car & wethe doors & shoot out the tires. Then everybody laughs."
Things are also rocking in Taipai, where prospect Carlos Pulido played:
"Everything was run by the mob there. Someone from the Mafia sent word they wanted to meet with me. So I went up to this beautiful penthouse to meet the big guy. They showed me a suitcase. Theyd it & there must have been millions in there.Baseball was introduced to Cuba in 1866, by American sailors there to load sugar. Before Jackie Robinson, African-American players were recruited by Latin American teams. In the 1930s, there were more Negro League players on the Dragones than Dominicans. In 2004, 27% of MLB players were born outside the US."My legs started shaking. I said I wanted no part of it. They said, 'We have 70% of the team on our payroll. If you don't throw the game, the guys behind you will be making errors, anyway.'Then they said, 'We know where you live.' I went to the team front office the next day & said, 'Give me a plane ticket back home."
Table lists
first foreign-born MLB players from various countries, including Afghanistan, Finland, Vietnam, Sierra Leone, & Poland. Only 26 days till the start of spring training.Posted by Jeff at 10:03 AM | Comments (0)
January 17, 2005
A MESSAGE FROM BARBRA
"The idea of a liberal media bias is a myth. If only it were true. The idea that the media is sympathetic to conservative causes is obvious, for reasons of ownership, economics, & outside pressure.
"Dan Rather was castigated by the media for airing the Bush National Guard story before completely verifying one document. The details of Bush's service record were true, although the document is in question. Dan Rather's error didn't hold a candle to the lies & lives lost by entering into an unnecessary war. One's actions are a little sloppy - the other's actions are high crimes & misdemeanors.
"Prestigious anchors like Cronkite, Brokaw, Rather, Moyers & Lehrer carefully tow-the-line [sic] to present the news in a balanced manner. Republicans have managed to win 5 out of the last 7 Presidential elections, due in part to the fact that reporters on major networks have become so fearful of either losing their job or being deemed biased, they have relinquished their responsibility to hold our leaders accountable."
Posted by Jeff at 03:31 PM | Comments (0)
WINGNUTGATE
First came the Armstrong Williams scandal, next the blogosphere was rocked by the news that Daily Kos was a paid hack for the Dean campaign. 'Unbelievable,' said Wonkette, 'I just assumed he was an unpaid hack!'
Still, Markos has the last word: 'Until names are named, we can assume every conservative pundit is on the White House's payola rolls.' In fact, just about every conservative blogger received cash & gifts in exchange for endorsing Bush in the 2004 election:
Posted by Jeff at 01:44 AM | Comments (0)
January 16, 2005
JIHAD JUICERS
Posted by Jeff at 03:18 PM | Comments (0)
Whenever I'm feeling down, I go to the Safeway produce section & sit on a bushel of Babette baby carrots or Royal Riviera pears, & listen to the soothing fake thunderstorm sounds of the automated produce mister.
Good for your complexion too.
Posted by Jeff at 11:57 AM | Comments (0)
January 14, 2005
FILTHY LUCRE
Sparring points in postmarital squabbling between Ron Burkle & his estranged wife Janet. Burkle is billionaire who's contributed millions to Democrats & counts as friends Bill Clinton, Al Gore, & Gray Davis. Contributed to former SF mayor Willie Brown & California State Treasurer Phil Angelides, both of whom sit on state pension board, which later awarded Burkle lucrative contracts.
| SHE SAID | HE SAID | |
| 'My husband cannot tolerate losing anything! I cannot sense (sic) strong enough that my husband will do anything to win!' | Wife's claims are 'a final desperate attempt to extract money from me for a lifestyle which I find shocking' | |
| Says separated in 2002 | Says separated in early 90s | |
| Wants $296,500 spousal & child support / month. Says 1997 'post-marital agreement' invalid because husband hid assets. Lowered request to $232,800/month | Wife waived spousal support in 1997 agreement; says wife's monthly expenses actually $73,000 | |
| Husband's Greenacres mansion (formerly owned by silent film star Harold Lloyd) had 8 bedrooms, 13 bathrooms, pool, screening room, wine cellars, 3 butlers, 3 maids, 3 security guards, 7 groundskeepers; later admitted wine cellar referred to room with wine rack in it | No staff, wine cellar, or screening room, altho latter does feature wet bar, popcorn machine, & automated red velvet drapes, which sounds suspiciously like screening room | |
| Says husband owns Boeing 757 + additional airplanes & helicopters | Jet owned by his Yucaipa Companies, helicopter crashed in 2001 | |
| Wants $46,500 / month compensation for circle seats at Hollywood Bowl, floor seats & skybox at Staples Center. Lowered request to $12,000/month | Wife rarely used tickets which were owned by business fund | |
| Wants $23,000 / month in movie premieres, bday parties for son, & misc parties. Lowered request to $12,500 | Offered $667/month for movie premieres | |
| Wants $9853 / monthly clothing allowance. Claims he spent $50,000/month on clothes | Does not contest clothing allowance, but says he spent less than $3000 month on clothes. "I dress mainly in jeans & T-shirts." | |
| Adult daughter Carrie says father has video of Janet & personal trainer/boyfriend Charles Allen having rough sex. Allen's attorney, ace OJ prosecutor Christopher Darden, says Burkle's employees followed & harassed Allen | Says Allen is security danger to Burkle's son, as he was charged with attempted murder & convicted of assault in drug deal. Obtained restraining order on Allen | |
| Daughter Carrie has also sued father for $938,000 | Says daughter owes him $76,000 |
UPDATE: Janet's not the ONLY ex who's unwilling to settle for petty cash.
Posted by Jeff at 03:08 PM | Comments (0)
Hi, I'm Nancy Pelosi, & I enthusiastically endorse Doris Matsui running for her late husband's seat in Congress. No one is more saddened by the death of Rep. Matsui than me, because it means having a Congressional election in California with NO incumbent, exactly the sort of constitutional crisis gerrymandering is designed to avoid.
I don't have to tell you California is trending right & those crackers in Sacramento are looking simply red. Under my House leadership, we're now in the worst position since WWII. At this point, I'd endorse a shaved chimp if I thought he could win! If this seat goes, they're talking about replacing me as House leader with a pro-life Democrat.
AM I LIVING IN A SCIENCE FICTION MOVIE?? IS THIS BATTLEFIELD EARTH??
I didn't claw my way to the top just to go back to being another Congressional Left Coast Cassini probe. I should be in the Senate, not Boxer. Is that bitch lucky or what?? Not too long ago she was just another rad-chic Marin xxxtremist, now she's in the Senate crying on daytime TV like she's Erica effing Kane!!
She's so stupid, she asked the drugstore for reversible panty liners. To check her eardrums, they do a retina scan. When she goes to the gyno, she turns her head & coughs. THAT SHOULD BE ME!!
That's why it's important to vote for Doris Matsui. Whoever the hell she is.
Posted by Jeff at 01:10 AM | Comments (0)
January 12, 2005
MASOODA JALAL
41yo Tajik pediatrician. New Afghan Minister of Women's Affairs. 1 of 7 children. Studied psychiatry at Kabul Medical School, but switched to pediatrics when mental health dept shut down during civil war. Remained single until 30, & chose own husband.
When Taliban removed her from teaching position at Kabul University, became official with UN World Food Program, where boss forced her to sign statement that safety was her own responsibility: "I did it. I was not going to give up."
Also provided services to war widows all over country. Several employees of her assistance group were captured, & Taliban threatened to hang her. Married to philosophy professor Faizullah Jalal, who was also campaign manager. Has 3 children, aged 9, 7, & 3.
Ran against Karzai in 2002 loya jirga in campaign in which women candidates were shot at. Warlord Mohammed Fahim ordered Jalal's husband to rein her in. Came in distant 2nd, turned down position as VP. Ran against Karzai in historic presidential election, received 1% of vote.
Fiery independent who craftily cloaked campaign in virtue of motherhood. Campaign slogan: Vote for the Mother.
Afghan-born US Ambassador Zalmay Khalilzad on election: "It was a spectacular success," notes that many took special baths, dressed in best clothes to vote; some women wore henna on their hands, a wedding tradition,& others 'said their last prayers,' determined to vote even if it meant they might be killed.
Tribal council chief Tamim Nuristani says women all over country defied their husbands' instructions to vote along ethnic lines & voted for Karzai: "It's really quite simple. For the last 3 years their homes have not been bombed, their daughters, sons & husbands are safe from rape & forced conscription, there has been peace. Karzai is synonymous with peace, so he got their vote."
Masooda Jalal on heartbreaking rate of birth defects from intermarriage: "13 years ago a survey said that hundreds of thousands of Afghans were mentally disabled. Intermarriages were the 1st cause of this disability. I hope that the Ministry of Women can design a program so that the next generation of Afghans is stronger."
Masooda says families know the risk, but still marry daughters to first cousins to avoid paying a large dowry, & to keep daughters within safety orbit of family.
On her appeal as a candidate: "People want to get rid of warlords. They want a civil government, not a government full of former military people. They want democracy, they want their rights. I am a doctor & a mother. I want to nurse Afghanistan back to health. Only a healthy country can ensure a healthy people."
On what sets her apart from warlords: "I don't have blood on my hands, I haven't destroyed any cities."
On being a role model: "There is an interpretation of the Koran according to which a woman can indeed be a leader. I will try my best & we will see. If I am not the winner, (my campaign) will still be important. As a woman, I am giving a lot of courage to the women of Afghanistan."
On her legacy: "I have had an impact ... if I do not become president, the girls of this country will. I broke a tradition. I created honor & values for the women of Afghanistan. They are not nothing any more."
On her campaign: "My hands are empty, but I want to prove that a woman with empty hands can do a lot. It will be a lesson for all the women of Afghanistan. Already 5000 years we women have waited for our turn. We cannot wait another century."
On Karzai: "He's with the warlords, I'm with the people. I am independent, he's not. I am not owing anything to the warlords. If I get the success, I will disarm them."
On defying the odds: "Unlike one candidate who is surrounding himself by all powers to stay in office, candidates like me donÂ’'t even have a small percentage of these powers. How can we call the result of the election fair & democratic? How can we say it represents the will of the people & reflects their political rights?
"Afghanistan is not democratic. If it continues like this it will bring bad reputation to democracy. We the people of Afghanistan want real democracy. We want freedom, fairness, human rights - no dishonesty, no influence from internal military forces or foreign powers."
On courage: "If I show weakness some men will say, 'look she is not brave'. They will say, 'there is another woman who gave up'."
On fearlessness: "I have dug a hole & buried all my fears."
See also Krauthammer: The Afghan Miracle; Chrenkoff: Good News from Afghanistan
Posted by Jeff at 09:58 PM | Comments (2)
Surfing Hobbiton scene cut from Return of the King: Dominic Monaghan (Merry), Sean Astin (Sam), Elijah Wood (Frodo), & Billy Boyd (Pippin). Upcoming projects:
ELIJAH WOOD
- Happy Feet: Wood does voice of Mumbles, computer animated dancing penguin. With Brittany Murphy. 2006
- Hooligans: An expelled Harvard boy moves to England where he's drawn into violent soccer club subculture. 2006
- Everything is Illuminated, based on Jonathan Safran Foer's novel about an American Jew who travels to the Ukraine in an old Trabant, searching for woman who saved his grandfather from Nazis. Aug 12 2005
- Sin City: Hypervisual Robert Rodriguez film based on Frank Miller's dark comics (with Jessica Alba, Rosario Dawson, Bruce Willis, Mickey Rourke, & Rutger Hauer). April 1 2005
- Lost: Plays Charlie on ABC TV series
- The Purifiers: Scottish martial arts West Side Story. Guardian review: "A humourless, tensionless mess of a kung-fu movie about gangs of handsome teenagers back-flipping around shadowy, futuristic retail parks." No US release date.
- Shooting Livien: Dark indie about a disintegrating rock singer. Debuts at South by Southwest Film Festival in Austin March 11 2005.
- Marilyn Hotchkiss' Ballroom Dancing & Charm School: About a man who takes a dying man's wish too far & assumes his identity. With Marisa Tomei, John Goodman, Donnie Wahlberg, Sonia Braga, & Danny Devito. Sundance, Jan 2005.
- Thanks to Gravity: As HS debating coach. With CSI Miami's Adam Rodriguez aka one of People's Sexiest Men Alive. Fall 2005
- Slipstream: Sci-fi about a scientist who uses time-travel meme to rob a bank. London Sci-Fi Film Festival Feb 2005
- Mark Twain's Greatest Adventure: More time travel - Astin as HG Wells, who allies himself with Samuel Clemens, Arthur Conan Doyle, & Jules Verne to stop a villain. Pre-production.
- Once in a Lifetime: Ghastly-sounding weeper about washed up baseball player & a kid with leukemia. Dec 17 2005
- Smile: Filming in China, about relationship between American & Chinese teens. No release date
- Bigger Than the Sky, aka Caught in the Act: With mom Patty Duke in tale of luckless man who no acting ability who ends up in community theater production of Cyrano. No release date
- Seed of Chucky: With psycho-cutie Jennifer Tilly. 2004
- On a Clear Day: About a man determined to swim the English Channel. With Brenda Blethyn. Sundance, Jan 2005
Posted by Jeff at 10:20 AM | Comments (0)
January 11, 2005
GOOD GIGS FOR JOB SECURITY
The problem, of course, is that today's graduates can't hope to keep the same stultifying soul-killing job for 40 years like their parents. The key to job security in the 21st Century is finding an occupation where there's no connection between performance & job security. Some good bets:
UN SECRETARY GENERAL: Say a UN general urges your office to destroy the arms of Hutu militias to avert genocide, & you order him to remain impartial, resulting in the slaughter of 800,000 human beings. Even the phone company would probably fire you for much less, but as UN Secretary General, you're immune to petty sniping.
Or say you allowed a humanitarian UN mission to devolve into a corrupt billion-dollar boondoggle while Iraqis starved & your own son feathered his nest with their leavings. Fear not, the NY Times will defend your criminal incompetence.
This is a great job if you like high-profile meaningless symbolism, which is probably why it appeals to Bill Clinton, who proved that perjury is no impediment to the Presidency.
HOST OF SABADO GIGANTE: Chilean Don Francisco, aka Mario Kreutzberger, has been hosting this Saturday night phreakout on Univision for about a hundred years. Fashions come & go, but there will always be Don Francisco, presiding over this bizarre anarchy of music, half-naked women, game shows, comedy skits, makeovers, maudlin sob stories, & interviews of presidential candidates.
DNC CHAIRMAN: Say in 2000 your party had the advantages of a popular sitting President & a strong peacetime economy, & the Republicans still fought you to a draw. Do you engage in introspection as to why half the voters rejected you? NO.
Instead, spend the next 4 years yelling about a STOLEN ELECTION & failing to articulate a coherent philosophy that appeals to Americans, guaranteeing more losses in 2002 & 2004, till your party has fewer seats in the House since 1940. Any repercussions from such spectacular failure? NONE.
SOAP DIVA: Good for ex-cheerleaders, who can play the same role day in & day out for 30+ years. No matter how low the ratings sink, if you have the right combo of imperious ruthlessness & marginal talent, you can hang on while driving younger, better actresses off the show to film careers, or watch younger, equally untalented costars soar to fame for no reason whatsoever.
US SECRETARY OF TRANSPORTATION: Conduct study on securing civil rights of air passengers just months before 19 Arab terrorists use these civil rights to slaughter thousands. Respond by prohibiting profiling at airport security screenings. Sue airlines that try to protect passengers. Despite calls for impeachment, keep job.
BLOGGER/PUNDIT: Endless opportunities. Drawbacks: little/no pay. Advantages: can blather on about anything, especially if you know nothing about it.
Posted by Jeff at 01:48 PM | Comments (0)
This morning, during one of Kelly Ripa's insufferable hyperventilating monologues, Regis Philbin suddenly snapped & bashed her head in with Ripa's special coffee mug. Incredibly, Ripa kept talking throughout the entire attack, relating an interminably overwrought anecdote about some shit she saw on TV last night.
Finally a wild-eyed Philbin decapitated Ripa with a machete, after which Ripa's head continued to talk for almost 5 minutes before being incinerated with a flamethrower, like the reanimated android head in Alien. There have been rumors of tension between the two morning cohosts ever since Ripa, aka Katie Lite, replaced departing Methamphetamine Barbie Kathie Lee Gifford.
See also Our Daily Ripa
Posted by Jeff at 10:19 AM | Comments (0)
January 10, 2005
FOOT FETISHIST'S GUIDE TO THE BLOGOSPHERE
Because Manolo's Effing Shoe Blog can't have all the fun. All pix actual bloggers feet, with possible exception of one.
With thanks to foot pimps Little Miss Attila, Jinnji, & Sondra KPosted by Jeff at 05:26 AM | Comments (1)
January 07, 2005
Hi, I'm Barbara Boxer. It's not easy being a woman in a man's Congress. Usually I laugh off things like partial-birth abortion & White House blowjobs, but sometimes the pressures of imaginary election fraud are just too much.
That's why I take Turbo-femme®, the all-natural hormone replacement product to help women through challenging times.
Turbo-femme® is an ancient, 100% synergistic formula containing wild Mongolian dong quai, bear gallstone, Spanish Fly, tarantula venom, Ecstasy, Nutrasweet, placenta paste, bat guano, anabolic steroids, Oxycontin, homeopathic plutonium, industrial strength Prozac, & enough acid to smile through Armageddon.
Turbo-femme®: because I'm worth it.
Also available in suppositories: "Your ass will thank you!"
For men: Rush Limbaugh's Turbo-Charge® Diet Supplement
Posted by Jeff at 01:30 PM | Comments (0)
REAL QUESTIONS FROM ASK-THE-IMAM.COM
Islamic Q&A Online with Mufti Ebrahim Desai
Q: I need to know what is the fatwa for passing gas from the front in women?
A: Passing wind from the front in women does not invalidate the Wudhu.
Q: When we bought our Nike clothes, we did not know that Nike meant Greek god. What should we do with these products we have?
A: It will suffice to remove the Nike logos from them.
Q: I am hearing that Princess Diana had accepted Islam before she passed away. What is your opinion?
A: It is possible.
Q: Is it permissible for me to ask my wife to pierce her navel strictly for my pleasure only??
A: Belly piercing is not permissible.
Q: What are the positions allowed for intercourse? Can wife sit on top of husband?
A: An Aayat of the noble Qur'aan states, 'Have sexual relations with your wives in any manner as long as it is in the frontng & not in the hindng.'
Q: I have to make a choice whether I should work with jews. Is it allowed or should we decline?
A: If there are other job opportunities besides this one, we suggest you give preference to another job.
Q: I have a bad habit of watching gay pornography. Please help.
A: Pornography is Haraam (strictly prohibited). To be gay is also Haraam. I suggest you obtain some literature about the fire of hell & its severe punishments.
Q: I look like a famous person in England called David Baddiel (he is a comedian). People call me Dave all the time. It is really annoying & depressing. I don't understand why Allah would give me this curse.
A: Remind the people around you that you are not a kafir & you are a Muslim faithful to your Deen.
Q: I would like to ask that does the size of the penis matter?. If so what size should it be? because i am worried.
A: If the penis is small but normal, it does not matter. If the penis is abnormal, for example, cut off, then that matters.
Q: Is it permissable to read the quran cross legged?
A: Yes.
Q: Is it permissible to read a book or newspaper in the toilet?
A: No.
Q: Is it permissable to read the quran cross legged on the toilet?
A: [Okay, I made that one up]
Q: Is there a prohibition against whistling?
A: It is not permissible to whistle. However, if there is a dire need & there is no alternative, then one will be excused.
Q: Ive read on da mosque board dat one of da sins r da pants below da ankles? from which hadith is this?
A: Wearing pants below the ankles is one of the major sins.
Q: During lunch break, I warm up my food in the same microwave that everybody uses. Please let me know if it is alright.
A: It is permissible to share a microwave with non-Muslims. It is advisable to wipe the oven before using it.
Q: Do we have to shave scrotum? What exactly is 'hind parts' that we have to shave?
A: One has to shave the scrotum. By hind parts is meant the circle around the anus, as faeces could get attached to any hair present there.
Q: I masturbated a few days ago & my auntie died few days later. Is this my fault?
A: Firstly, masturbation is not permitted in Islam. Second, masturbating does not effect the death of another person or can cause them any harm.
UPDATE: Iowahawk double-checks some of the questions with the reasonable Imam, who adds additional WTF enlightenment.
Via Blog Quebecois
Posted by Jeff at 02:06 AM | Comments (0)
January 03, 2005
ONE BLOG FITS ALL
Jeff Jarvis links to a Pew study showing what we already know: everyone & his dog now has a blog. The staggering details:
8+ million blogsThe war & election have been major catalysts, altho no statistics on blog turnovers, which must be high. At any given time, there's a lot of new bloggers out there for whom the scene can be baffling, what with everyone yakking about things you've never heard of: Instapundit, link whores, Freepers, Margi Lowry.
32 million blog readers
14 million have posted material or comments on blogs
Blog traffic grew 58% in 2004
Here's a quick, non-partisan, do-it-yourself guide to creating an all-purpose blog post:
Posted by Jeff at 01:04 AM | Comments (0)
January 02, 2005
YOU CAN LEARN TO DO ANYTHING ONLINE
How to spot a psychopath at work
How to identify a rabbit's gender
How to tell if there's a meth lab next door
How to interact with a wheelchair user
How to fix an electric canr that drops the can
How to call Egypt from the United States
How to pull a boa constrictor out of a Nissan dashboard
How to get your toddler to fall asleep in a tent
How to greet the Queen of England
How to select a handbag for a job interview
Posted by Jeff at 09:40 AM | Comments (0)
January 01, 2005
I got 100% right.
Posted by Jeff at 01:38 PM | Comments (0)
LITTLE MISS KNOW-IT-ALL
Little Miss Attila hasn't been the same since she was nominated for that Weblog Award. When she said Eva Gabor was the real Jack the Ripper, I thought it was a stretch, but I'm no expert on the Hungarian Mafia, or the Whitechapel murders, so I thought, hey, COULD BE.
But THEN the little minx started talking like a hoochie mama. And THEN she got positively mordant with the death pool riff. But LMA really jumped the shark when she claimed that women don't stand in the shower soaping their breasts lovingly, for hours, often in slow-motion, just like you see in every horror movie ever made (right before getting julienned with a kitchen appliance or rototilled with a garden implement).
Give me a break! Psycho?? Dressed to Kill?? Carrie?? Debbie Does Dallas?? Next you'll tell me Catherine Zeta-Jones wipes her own ass, Victoria Gotti sits down to piss, & Desperate Housewives don't lounge around in negligees & stilettoes, having it off with whatever delivery boy/robber/peace officer happens by, just like in every porn vid ever made.
Horror trivia: Sissy Spacek was originally cast as bitch Chris Hargenson in Carrie; Jamie Lee Curtis cast as gimmick in Halloween, as mother Janet Leigh was famous victim in Psycho; shot of Janet Leigh flushing toilet in Psycho believed to be first such shot in screen history (Also considered for Leigh's role: Piper Laurie, who 20 years later played Carrie's psycho mom)Posted by Jeff at 01:13 AM | Comments (0)