Shirley Temple. Odious sugar-frosted blondette foisted on America already suffering from Great Depression. Audience members had seizures during Good Ship Lollipop. Thankfully lost lead in Wizard of Oz to then-unknown Judy Garland.

Oracle of Delphi. Original low-tech anchorwoman. Priestess who delivered wisdom & profundities, possibly with chemical inspiration. Would say anything for right price. (Unable to find photo of Delphic oracle, so used psychic Dionne Warwick)

Doris Day. Icon of Blonde Fascism of Fifties. (See also Debbie Reynolds.) Oddly had no chemistry with frequent screen pal Rock Hudson. Saccharine theme song Que Sera Sera is actually from dark Hitchcock thriller The Man Who Knew Too Much

Orson Welles. Portentous-voiced thespian whose breathless intonation convinced Americans they were under attack by Martians. In later life, retained water. Welles: "I don't want any description of me to be accurate; I want it to be flattering."

Gidget. Perky teen go-girl/surfer wannabe played on film by Couric prototype Sandra Dee, & on TV by Sally Field. Real-life Gidget was Kathy Zuckerman, who surfed Malibu in 50s. Diary entry June 30, 1958: "God was it ever stupid to see Sandra Dee play my role. All the actors looked like complete faggots."

Veronica Lodge from Archie. Spoiled rich girl not above submarining blonde rival Betty to get what she wants. BFFs: Midge & Ethel. Uber-bitch Shannen Doherty up for Veronica role in never-made Archie movie.

Flipper. Perky, irrepressible star of 1960s TV show. Communicated by annoying squeaks like falsetto Morse Code. Annoying theme song available here.

Saruman. Sinister blonde wizard from LOTR. Saruman's chief power lay in his voice, which could sound sweet as honey & force others to his will. Destroyed by lust for power.

Hello Kitty: Insufferably cute Japanese marketing coup. 5 apples high. Bakes cookies. Shits gumdrops. See Hello Kitty Psychological Test. Instructions for Pink Hello Kitty Laptop.

Barbara Walters. Humorless, titanium-coiffed, phonetically challenged Couric prototype known for passing off fawning celebrity puff-pieces as journalism.

Mary Tyler Moore. Quintessential America's sweetheart in Seventies. Effusive chirpiness alternated with grating whine. Responsible for foisting pontificating celebrity liberal Ed Asner on nation.

Jane Curtain. Terminally serious SNL news anchor whose intense delivery belied repressed psychosexual neuroses. Occasionally cracked up & flashed audience: "Try these on for size, Connie Chung!"

The Go-Gos: Belinda, Jane, Charlotte, Kathy, & Gina. Made "cute, bubbly, & effervescent" term of opprobrium, which is ironic, since Belinda Carlisle started out in hardcore punk band the Germs with Darby Crash

HAL. Unctuous, droning computer from Kubrick's 2001 whose smooth voice concealed streak of megalomaniacal viciousness

Katie Price. Much surgically augmented model known as Jordan. No known talents. Shares same name & hair color as Couric, though taller.

Faye Dunaway as ruthless TV producer Diana Christensen in Network: "All I want out of life is a 30 share & a 20 rating."

Ann Martin: LA anchor suspected of being inspiration for Don Henley song: Got the bubble-headed bleached-blonde comes on at 5, She can tell you 'bout the plane crash with a gleam in her eye, It's interesting when people die, We love Dirty Laundry!

Dan Rather. Pompous ash-blonde blowhard. Occasionally gets facts wrong. Believes liberal bias is cleverly concealed. Secretly thinks he's Edward R. Murrow.