« November 2004 | Main | January 2005 »
December 30, 2004
I MARRIED A CRACKER
Hi there, I used to be Connie Chung. I know you're wondering, What the hell happened to her? Some say it was my abrasive style. Please. You want a chipmunk, try Katie Couric. Then there was my Evening News stint with (cough) Dan Rather. You haven't lived until that patronizing asshat tells you to 'sharpen your skills'.
But I know where things really went wrong. EXHIBIT A (r.). Me, I could've had a nice Asian boy with perfect SATs & an IQ off the Richter Scale, but NO, I had to marry Jerry Springer. If you think my career's hit the skids, check out Maury, who used to be a semi-respectable anchor.
Now it's My Mom the Skank, Slap My Bitch Up, He or She?, Stop that Ghetto Talk!, Goat Girl, Weave Wars, & I Pimped my Grandma. His prison demographic goes off the chart every time he does Babysitter Paternity Tests. I especially love getting the 411 every time I go to the dry cleaners.
Hey Connie, were those exploding tits for real? PISS OFF! Or the grocery store: Hey Connie, can a transsexual really have triplets?? DROP DEAD! Or a swank cocktail party, where I show up with Mr. Shit-Eating Grin & all anybody wants to know is, Hey Connie, How is it when guests crack up & run screaming down some backstage hallway, they alwaysjust the right doors, & there's always a camera waiting when they curl up in a fetal ball in a cupboard?
Personally, I spend a lot of time curled up in a fetal ball in a cupboard. But I want to tell Asian American women everywhere, DON'T LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOU! Please, marry a nice Asian computer geek on the Stanford fast track. He might be a nerd, but at least you'll have self-respect. Otherwise, one day you'll wake up & find you're married to Ricki Lake.
Posted by Jeff at 01:55 PM | Comments (0)
10 year old Saleh Khalef was reunited with his mother in SF on Dec 21. A year earlier, he picked up a roadside bomb in Iraq, & the explosion destroyed both hands, 1 eye, shredded his abdomen, & killed his 16yo brother Dia. USAF surgeons broke protocol to operate on him in their trauma unit, nicknaming him Lion Heart for his amazing survival.
With his father Raheem, Saleh was flown to Children's Hospital in Oakland, where he began a long series of operations.
"Well-wishers sent Saleh piles of stuffed animals & toy cars. A Yemeni couple in Oakland made daily treks with yogurt & rice. Muslim groups in Oakland & Marin collected nearly $4000 for Raheem & Saleh. Arabic professors from UC Berkeley came by to console Raheem. Schoolchildren made Saleh quilts & cards. Nurses brought balloons. Firefighters dropped by with a red hat & miniature fire truck."Just before Christmas, his mother, 2 sisters, & baby brother flew to Oakland, to be with Saleh & start a new life as legal immigrants. SFgate has the whole story at Operation Lion Heart, including how to donate to Saleh's fund. Read it & be humble.
Posted by Jeff at 09:38 AM | Comments (0)
December 29, 2004
MERRY XMAS FROM RHIAN & THE PENGUINS
For those who don't know, Rhian Salmon has been blogging from the British Antarctic Survey the last year. Recently, she was stunned to see a cruise ship full of touists pull up!
"The first dear I met was 83 ( she told me as she ran up the steps while her companion nearly had a cardiac arrest behind her). She was petite & spritely & inquisitive, interested & so alive. She held my hand & kissed my face & asked really good questions & told me about having to pee into a bottle when she went to the South Pole."She also got a sunburn recently:
"Visited the penguins today, thousands of them cooing & trilling, so many that an entire ice cliff was grey with their shadow. The first time I saw an Emperor I was over-awed by its majesty. Now, visiting them is like going to feed the ducks. Very pleasant – but surely there's something not right?!Personally, I think she's going to smuggle one back:"Another thing that made me laugh was the queue that formed behind our backpacks while we walked among them. You can see for yourself the line that had formed by the time we returned. They really are sheep. "
See also The Zen of Penguins
"The downside is the stench. Fishy ammonia, green-brown penguin poo streaks all across the ice. Not dissimilar from pigeons. Birds is birds I guess."
Posted by Jeff at 09:57 AM | Comments (0)
December 28, 2004
RUSLANA
Ukrainian pop star. Born Lviv, Ukraine, May 24, 1974. Started singing & playing piano at 4. Graduate of Lviv music conservatory. Married 5 years to producer Aleksander Ksenofontov. Uses motifs of Ukrainian nationalism: Carpathian Mountains, Renaissance & medieval castles, folk art, samples of Hutsul music.
Won All Ukrainian Festival of Modern Songs, Best Performer, Best Song, Best Video, Best Personality 1999 & 2000. Most recent album first Ukrainian platinum disc (+100,000). World Music Award 2004 Bestselling Ukrainian Artist. Tireless performer who left hospital bed to perform concert in June.
Winner 2004 Eurovision Song Contest in Istanbul with song Wild Dances (beating Greek fave Sakis Rouvas). Previous famous / infamous winners ABBA (1974), Bucks Fizz (1981), Celine Dion (1988). Wild Dances became hit song in Belgium (#1), Greece (#1), Sweden (#8), Europe Top 100 (#16), Russia (#6), Germany (#40).
Carried Olympic torch in July. Declared hunger strike Nov. 25 to tens of thousands in Independence Square to support Yushchenko, but stopped when Parliament unanimously rejected election results Nov. 27: "I, as millions of other people, do not understand what happened to my vote cast in the election."
On Wild Dances' Conan the Barbarian getups: "Really, we didn't set out to make them raunchy. They'Â’re made from leather & metal & are ethno-military style; I think we look like mountain Amazons. Parts were made by traditional Hutsul craftsman in the Carpathian Mountains. The methods are so secret no one else has ever managed to copy them."
On her roots: "My father is from trans-Carpathia & I also come from the area. The mountains are a very special place where the ancient Hutsul people live & have a very regenerative effect on people."
On gearing up for Eurovision 2005 in Kiev: "Kiev is the city that will make the whole world fall in love with it." (Ruslana will host with Ukrainian boxers the Klitschko brothers, also vocal Yushchenko supporters.)
Ruslana performing in Vilnius: "I was coming to Lithuania to demonstrate my show, but today I feel that I first have to thank Lithuania & its President Valdas Adamkus for the support to our country." (Adamkus mediated election crisis with Polish president Aleksander Kwasniewski)
On how she approved new CD cover: "When 10 out of 10 men stood breathless looking at the picture & were trying to gasp some air, no other proofs were needed."
On what Ukraine means to the West: "What is happening in Ukraine is not only important for the future of my country & my people. Mikhail Gorbachev said that the current events in Ukraine can be compared to the breakdown of the Berlin Wall. Now in Ukraine the modern history of Europe is made & it is influencing the whole political situation in the world."
Ukrainian Pravda June 2004: "(Prime Minister) Yanukovich'Â’s desperation was seen in appointment as his 'adviser' Ruslana Lyzhychko, who won the Eurovision contest in Istanbul." (Yanukovich gave Ruslana small statue of a Cossack representing 'the dignity of the Ukraine')
On salo, Ukrainian chocolate-covered pork-fat: "I love it as it's unusual. I was given the first serving of Lviv's chocolate salo. Perhaps they were testing my bravery, but I ate it & I'm still alive!"
On her ancestors: "Calling the Wild Dances barbaric is an exaggeration. It is based on ethnic traditions of Ukrainian highlanders but to call those traditions barbaric is to consider cultural heritage a worthless possession. In every European there lives a subtle passion for the way his forefathers used to live, work, sing & dance."
Hubby Aleksander: "Living with Ruslana is very difficult. It'Â’s like living on top of a volcano, but I like it."
Israeli music journalist: "Ruslana's album portrays not only the most 'non-Eurovisiony' winner ever, but an updated version of Shakira & a secure candidate to be an international star."
See also Ruslana videos. Ukrainian name page on Ruslana. Politburo Diktat: Warrior Wins Eurovision
Posted by Jeff at 02:50 AM | Comments (4)
December 27, 2004
'I'VE GOT A TERRORIST IN MY HOUSE!"
The Amber Frye Deaf, Dumb, & Blonde Award goes to Saraah Olson, who found herself living every woman's nightmare when her dream illegal alien husband turned out to be a murderous Islamonutter. Soon, her Orange County love nest was crawling with Al Qaeda sleepers, blind shiekhs, & hordes of young dusky-skinned men, all named 'Mohammed'.
This is actually NOT funny, because it could happen to just anyone. These terrorists are cunning, & managed to fool even Mensa member Saraah Olson. Here are some of the subtle signs Olson missed that could indicate your dream husband is a murderous Islamonutter:
- asks you out immediately after you turn down his visa application
- beats you & your child for minor infractions while screaming 'I am God! Follow the rules!'
- asks you to set up fake charity to funnel money overseas
- tries to recruit your son into terror network
- has creepoid friends who good-naturedly joke about America's streets running 'red with blood'
- rancid houseguests include blind sheikh, whom you later recognize in WTC terror reports
Posted by Jeff at 09:28 AM | Comments (0)
December 24, 2004
Okay guys, I'm geared up & ready to start my Xmas shopping! If I never post again, it's cuz I didn't survive the crush at FAO Schwartz. Merry Effing Xmas! — Jeff
UPDATE: Check it out, there IS no FAO Schwartz in San Fran anymore! When did THAT happen?? No one ever tells me anything. Thanks for the heads up, guys, I just love wandering around Union Square asking directions from stupid tourists who don't know Cow Hollow from Nancy Pelosi's ass. SHEESH
Posted by Jeff at 06:33 AM | Comments (0)
December 23, 2004
OUTSOURCING THE BLOGOSPHERE SCRAPPLEFACE, the
SCRAPPLEFACE, the News Parody Blog®, has been purchased by Gawker & outsourced to a classroom of trained chimps in St. Louis. "Chimps are at least capable of your average parody," says Gawker honcho Nick Denton. "We throw them some newspapers & the little shits cut & paste with hilarious results!"
Now that Denton's trained chimps have copped a Weblog Award, other bloggers are doing the outsourcing thing:
THE LLAMA BUTCHERS: After their latest failed business venture (powdered beer packets: Just add tap water!), owners Robert & Steve turned their blog over to a sweatshop in Somalia, which is aggressively marketing itself as The New Guatemala. Robert: "These Central American kids used to be happy with a dollar a day. Now they're demanding breaks, food, Sundays off. F*ck that noise!"
And what of the fact that Somalian kids can neither read nor write English? Steve: "Our readers don't seem to mind."
PROTEIN WISDOM: As part of his community service plea bargain, Jeff Goldstein turned over production of his blog to inmates at Colorado State Penitentiary, where he's teaching remedial blogging & decoupage. "I was willing to do anything to avoid prison," Goldstein says, "I know what happens to white bois with righteous asses."
WONKETTE: The ruthlessly efficient Ana Marie Cox has taken a typically more professional approach, hiring Indian subcontractor Dillitech to do her blog. Dillitech founder Arjun Mehta: "We tutor our Bangalore employees in nuances of American snark & anal sex, yes? Soon we put American bloggers out of work, yes?"
Cox says Dillitech is a godsend: "Now that I have a novel contract, I don't have time to email my ghostwriter AND do the blog."
For those who prefer a more American touch, doddering 83yo Mrs. Esther Wilberforce-Packard of Minneapolis has set up a nice little blogging nest egg. In addition to her own rambling nonsense blog Topic Drift, Mrs. WP is currently writing Ace of â™ , IMAO, Knowledge is Power, Industrial Waste, & Manolo's Shoe Blog.
"The bloggers are such nice kids," Mrs. WP croaks. "It was that nice Bill Ardolino who told me minimum wage had gone up to $2.50!"
The Commissar at POLITBURO DIKTAT finds the whole trend contemptible. "I understand being busy," he says. "For the last few weeks, I've just been reblogging old posts with new names. No one notices, but at least it's MY retreads."
Others simply find the thrill of blogging wears off like a yeast infection. Rae at A Likely Story has switched to an all-guest-blogger all-the-time format. "I'm hoping no one notices," she confides. "The whole thing is frankly a pain in the butt."
RightWingSparkle also got sick of it & handed her blog over to her teenage daughter. "To be quite honest, I haven't looked at it in months," she admits. "God knows what she's up to."
Posted by Jeff at 02:17 PM | Comments (0)
December 22, 2004
THE EVOLUTION OF KATIE COURIC
Katie Couric is that rare combination of malign perkiness & breathless gravity, a hard trick to pull off, which is why she has a $60M contract. It also makes it hard to talk & breathe at the same time; try it. It's clear, however, that human evolution has been inexorably evolving towards the Uber Katie, & now She's here. Adapt or die. Perky & Profound family trees:
|
| |
|
| |
|
| |
|
| |
|
| |
|
| |
|
| |
|
| |
|
| |
|
| |
|
| |
|
| |
|
| |
|
| |
|
| |
|
| |
|
| |
| ||
|
Jane Curtain. Terminally serious SNL news anchor whose intense delivery belied repressed psychosexual neuroses. Occasionally cracked up & flashed audience: Posted by Jeff at 11:14 AM | Comments (0)
December 20, 2004
'MADELEINE'
Photon Courier reports that it was 60 years ago Sept. 11 that Noor Khan was executed at Dachau. A Sufi princess & remarkable woman who joined the WAF in WWII, Noor's life reads like a potboiler:
- Father was Sufi mystic invited to Russian court by Rasputin. Noor was born in Kremlin Jan. 2, 1914
- Family moved to London before outbreak of WWI, afterwards to Paris. Noor took degree in child psychology at Sorbonne.
- Published book of Buddhist children's stories, Twenty Jataka Tales, which is still in print
- When Nazis overran France, escaped on last boat evacuating British subjects
- Enlisted in RAF in 1940, learned Morse code, became 1st female wireless operator to infiltrate Nazi-occupied France
- Was secretly flown into France June 17, 1943, under code name Madeleine. Made her way to Paris, joined group that was arrested a week later, tho Noor escaped.
"On one occasion, she was putting up her transmitting antenna when a German soldier asked what she was doing. She told him it was a clothesline, & he helped her put it up. On another occasion, a German insisted that sheup the suitcase which contained her radio equipment. 'It's a movie projector, she told him. 'See all the little lights?'"Betrayed by Frenchwoman to Gestapo in October 1943, made 2 escape attempts, then shipped to Germany. Executed at Dachau Sept. 11, 1944: A witness to the shooting said that the last word she spoke was ‘Liberte’ – before she was shot.' The striking, artistic Noor wasn't a great choice for such a job, yet she volunteered knowing the mission carried 'a 50 – 50 risk of capture, torture & death at the hands of the Nazis,' & refused several offers to return to England as the Gestapo closed in. Humbling!
Noor's brother, Sufi leader Vilayat Khan, died earlier this year
Posted by Jeff at 12:17 PM | Comments (0)
December 14, 2004
ABSINTHE: THE NEW CHIC
Notorious bitter liqueur. Key ingredients: anise & artemesia absinthium (wormwood). Wormwood is parasiticide, effective against malaria, & contains thujone, relative of THC. Reputed to have mind-altering & aphrodisiac properties. Traditional serving: place slotted spoon with sugar cube on it over shot of absinthe, pour water over sugar. (Louche refers to how absinthe turns milky when water added.)
Invented 1792, sold as cure-all. Nickname: La Fee Verte. Used by French soldiers in Algeria to ward off malaria. Sales took off with wine blight of 1870. Banned in Switzerland in 1910, US in 1912.
Banned in France in 1915, due partly to pressure from wine industry (French absinthe 1910: 32 million litres). Part of bad rap from unscrupulous manufacturers adding copper to intensify green color (toxic). Famous absinthe drinkers: Baudelaire, Manet, Rimbaud, Poe, Wilde, Lautrec, Van Gogh, Gaugin.
Legal in Spain, Denmark, Portugal; Switzerland in 2005. US: only legal if contains no thujone (ie, made from artemesia vulgaris, which is not wormwood but motherwort). Customs can seize absinthe with thujone, but they probably won't find it. Some brands:
La Fee Absinthe France. 68% alcohol. Created from 19th Century recipe. Contains thujone. Comes with absinthe spoon. Can be used in Absinthe Cookies. 36£
La Fee Bohemian France. 70% alcohol. Contains thujone. Czech style, less anise than French, suitable for cocktails. Traditional method in Bohemia: Dip tsp sugar in absinthe, light sugar so it caramelizes, stir. Put out fire if absinthe ignites. Add water. $57
Absinthe King of Spirits. Czech Republic. Lethal, close to original. 70% alcohol. 100mg thujone. $199/bottle. Vendor also sells Cannibis Vodka (marijuana seeds in bottle).
Serpis 65. Blood red absinthe from Spain. 65% alcohol, 9mg thujone. Turns apricot with water. Little anise taste.
Jade Verte. Switzerland. Alcohol 65%. Claims recreation of original recipe. Contains thujone. Apertif & digestive. 83ε
Versinthe la Blanche. Clear absinthe from Provence. Alcohol 57%. 30 mg thujone. Sometimes burnt & drunk as shot so thujone effect stronger. 24ε
Mata Hari. Austria. Anise free. Recipe dates from 1881. Contains wormwood, sage, lemon balm, violet, Muskat, chamomile, & other herbs. Particularly high oil portion (Artemisia Absinthium). 60% alcohol. High thujone. 24ε
Hapsburg 85. Italy. "Power absinthe," as in, 85% alcohol. Originally made in Bulgaria, where they don't mess around when it comes to hooch.
See also Virtual absinthe museum; Absinthe recipes
Posted by Jeff at 10:44 AM | Comments (2)
December 11, 2004
OUTRAGEOUS
"Good morning, I'm Katie Couric. The big story this morning is, OUTRAGE. Ann Curry has the details. Good morning, Ann, what are we outraged about today?"
"Good morning Katie. Today, we're outraged about ARMOR.""Ah.""Exactly. Let's go now to Capitol Hill, which is full of outrage.""Pffflt! Brggght! (Hic!)! Grrrrr!""Oh my, he's REALLY outraged. Now let's give Secretary Rumsfeld an opportunity to defend this inexcusable outrage.""Katie, I want to assure you—""Oh, what a load of horseshit! What does he think this is, FOX News?? Outrageous! Before we continue, here's the interactive graphic for our flash Outrage poll:"
"Here's a typical American soldier, chosen entirely at random. Good morning, Private Mustard, what is your reaction to all this?""I'm really outraged at this invet—, this ... I can't read this word.""Excuse me, I just want to jump in with the results of our flash poll. 2 of our 3 responders are shitting their pants. Now let's check with Matt who has a preview of tomorrow's outrage. Good morning, Matt.""Good morning Katie. I don't want to reveal too much, but I can tell you that tomorrow's outrage involves money.""Whoa. I'm already indignant. Please stay tuned for more of Today's coverage of Outraged America. For our special online issue, log onto I'm Outraged to voice your concerns."
Posted by Jeff at 01:06 PM | Comments (0)
December 07, 2004
HAPPY BIRTHDAY SONDRA K
Baby Sondra, showing the fashion sense she'd come to be known for. I saw her wearing an almost identical outfit on a countertop at the Purple Nurple, the bar where Margi Lowry moonlights as a bouncer.
Today is Sondra's bday, while Sondra's 1-year blogger bday is Thursday. Despite the intervention of Allah himself, Sondra's still bitch-slapping the competition in the Weblog Awards. In case of tie, Sondra & Michele will don thongs & leg-wrassle for the title. (In case of suspicious last-minute surge by the Llama Bitches, Sondra will take on Steve & Robert at the same time.)
Posted by Jeff at 03:33 PM | Comments (0)
THE WISDOM OF COLONEL GADDAFI
From Team America: 'Gays, straights, whites, & spades, everyone has AIDS! My grandma & my old dog Blue, the Pope has got it & so do you! Come on everybody we've got quiltin' to do. AIDS, AIDS, AIDS, AIDS...'
The Colonel on AIDS: "AIDS, AIDS, AIDS! We do not understand anything other. It is terrorism. It is psychological warfare. The AIDS is a peaceful virus. If you remain clean, there does not have a problem." Again: "If you are straight, you have nothing to fear from AIDS." (AIDS is leading cause of death among South African women, Told leaders of African Union they should not 'worry about tsetse flies and mosquitoes' [carriers of malaria & sleeping sickness], saying they were 'God's armies' protecting Africa from its enemies, ie, foreigners: "If they come here, they will get malaria & sleeping sickness."few none of whom are infected via lesbian sex.)
The Colonel on the UN: Wants Libya to have permanent seat on UN Security Council. Says authority to wage war should be transferred to General Assembly. Wants UN to support Committee of Wise Men to settle world's tiffs, comprised of Bill Clinton, Mikhail Gorbachev, & Nelson Mandela
The Colonel calls for establishment of Israteen, not Jewish teenybopper mag but single nation comprised of Israel, West Bank, & Gaza. In Cairo speech, criticized Arabs for being gullible dupes:
"We have believed the US & then we saw Congress calling for the partition of Saudi Arabia into cantons, controlling it & closing of mosques & religious schools, & also talking about its role & the Wahabi movement" in so-called terrorism.
The Colonel only Arab leader to support Kurdish nationalism: "Kurds are an oppressed nation & their homeland is occupied. It is a legitimate right to establish an independent Kurdish state." (2002)
Awarded Moammar Gaddafi human rights award to Hugo Chavez. Previous winners: Fidel Castro & Nelson Mandela. Chavez: "I feel bathed in honor."
From moonbat analysis of the Colonel's collected ramblings, The Green Book:
"Gaddafi sees representative democracy as necessarily demagogic & fraudulent, as it encourages the development of a party system in which the people are broken up into interest groups which compete one against the other, undoing whatever constructive work may have been done, to the detriment of the nation as a whole. The relevance of this critique is obvious to the contemporary world."
Exactly! So much more progressive to do away with those oppressive political parties, & replace them with a totalitarian dictatorship!
UPDATE: Michael Totten inexplicably went on a luxury tour of Libya. Guess he couldn't get tix for Mordor. But his photoessay is the bomb! (Via Commonplace Commonsense)
Posted by Jeff at 01:51 PM | Comments (0)
WILL THAT BE REGULAR, PREMIUM, PREMIUM, RED, OR BLUE?
Thanks to the sore losers concerned citizens at BuyBlue.org & Choose Blue, you can now tailor your shopping needs to your political convictions. Buy Blue: "On the morning after the 2004 election, half of the country woke up in disbelief & disgust. [Or in my case, a pleasant hangover] Afterwards it turned to anger & bitterness & many were entertaining moving to another country."
Instead: "BuyBlue.org will become a powerful tool used by millions. We will influence the political landscape & use the American dollar as an incentive for corporate transparency and responsibility."
Sadly, I think this is doomed to failure. Even my brother-in-law, a certified event horizon liberal, doesn't have time to drive miles out of his way for a blue screwdriver, when Walmart is right around the corner. Nor is he going to squander his kids' education fund by shopping at Whole Foods.
But for the really angry & bitter, here's a guide:
| RED | BLUE | ||||
| Chains | Walmart | Costco | |||
| Clothes | Saks | Gap | |||
| Home Improvement | Home Depot | Bed, Bath, & Beyond | |||
| Lifestyle | K-Mart | Nordstroms | |||
| Brews | Coors | Guinness | |||
| Skivvies | Fruit of the Loom | Calvin Klein | |||
| On the run | KFC | Arby's | |||
| Accommodations | Holiday Inn | Hyatt | |||
| Gas | BP | Phoenix Oil & Gas | |||
| Groceries | Safeway | Whole Foods | |||
| Accessories | Victoria's Secret | Sharper Image | |||
| Insurance | Prudential | Metropolitan Life | |||
| Wheels | Ford | Toyota | |||
| IT | Hewlett Packard | IBM | |||
| Cable | Clear Channel | Viacom | |||
| Family Entertainment | Fox TV | Days of Our Lives | |||
| Airlines | United | Jet Blue | |||
| Money Management | Price Waterhouse | Arthur Anderson | |||
| Telecom | AT&T | MCI | |||
| Entertainment | Hooters | Netflix |
Posted by Jeff at 08:16 AM | Comments (0)
December 06, 2004
GADDAFI: THE COMEDY
Delusional megalomaniac Saadi Gaddafi
Having flamed out trying to buy himself a career in soccer, Colonel Gaddafi's son Saadi has a new hobby: impersonating a Hollywood mogul. Saadi's set up a $100m vanity corp called World Navigator Entertainment, which like all his other toys, is financed by the Natl Oil Corporation of Libya.
Saadi originally approached Harvey Weinstein at the Venice Film Festival hoping for backing on a biopic of The Colonel. Weinstein told him he'd discuss terms once Libya recognized Israel. Instead, Saadi settled on Italian producer Silvio Sardi, whose previous credits include Honolulu Baby, about a man stranded on an island of man-hungry babes.
Partner Thomas Zeumer on Saadi: "The first thing I can say is that he doesn't like violent movies. Saadi loves romantic comedies," & is said to be especially fond of Hugh Grant & Julia Roberts. This is welcome news, given that in 1996 Saadi ordered his bodyguards tofire on a crowd at a Libyan soccer match that was shouting slogans against him, killing several people.
Recall that soccer wannabe Saadi previously bought his way onto Perugia under florid coach Luciano Gaucci, never one to miss a publicity stunt. Saadi never played a single game, swanned around Perugia in his Lamborghini with celebrity coach/playboy Diego Maradona & was finally kicked off for failing a doping test.
Perhaps one of Saadi's new projects can be the film version of Gaddafi: the Opera. Beautiful Atrocities thinks Harvey Fierstein would be perfect for the role (provided, of course, that Libya recognizes Israel).
See also: LIBYAN GOTHIC
Posted by Jeff at 09:14 AM | Comments (0)
December 04, 2004
URGENT MESSAGE FROM MY CONGRESSWOMAN BARBARA LEE
"Today, a person fell out of a window in Riverside. Yesterday, a person fell out of a window in Sheboygan, more evidence of the failed policies of President Bush. I am calling for a Commission on Defenestration to investigate the root causes of this criminally negligent epidemic of people falling out of windows.
"Wednesday, a woman fell out of a window in Tulsa. This person had received NO window-consciousness training. I am calling for funds to be allocated to educate the public on the dangers of falling out of windows. Corporations must be required to hold window-safety seminars.
"Last weekend, a man fell out of a window in Reno, yet the President still has not addressed this public safety emergency. I propose a new federal Dept. of Declivation to establish rapid response teams, in tandem with OSHA inspections to ensure that each & every window generates at least ½" of paperwork.
"I categorically reject calls for window safety to be outsourced to private companies that cut corners in their quest for a 'profit,' & look forward to thousands of new federal window safety monitors who will doubtless vote Democratic.
"We demand answers! We demand results!"
This public safety message has been brought to you by Barbara Lee, the People's Representative媨
See also Free Republic: Regulation Kills
Posted by Jeff at 10:53 AM | Comments (0)
December 03, 2004
WHY I LOVE KELLI MCCARTY
Kelli plays over-the-top psychobabe whack-job Beth on Passions, the soap best known for featuring Juliet Mills as witch Tabitha (who just had a demon child, named Endora).
Kelli facts: Born in Liberal, Kansas, which sounds like an oxymoron. Miss USA 1991. Birthday Sept 6. Favorite singer: Maxwell. Most embarrassing moment: "I was in a bathroom stall & a lady followed me in & stuck a headshot under the stall asking for my autograph."
When Kelli first came on Passions, Beth managed the Book Cafe & had nothing to do but pour coffee & be hunky Luis' ex-fiancee & high school sweetheart.
HOWEVER - Sheridan, Luis' annoying soulmate, turned mild mannered Beth into a raving psycho. Sheridan does that to people. She's such a victim, you want to slap her into next week. Passion's only been on about 4 years, but already Sheridan's had amnesia about 8 times & had innumerable near-death experiences, including being buried alive, thrown in a pit, & swept overboard.
Mrs. Wallace, Beth's crazy incontinent mother, pushes a walker & never misses an opportunity to tell Beth what a loser she is. When her old nurse blabbed Beth's secrets, Beth hired orangutan Precious as mother's caretaker (which was protested by humorless Center for Nursing Advocacy as well as world renowned primate expert Jane Goodall)
Tried to smother mother, went after her with an axe
Burned down Sheridan's cottage with Sheridan in it
Ran over spoiled brat Gwen (played by Susan Lucci's daughter) who was on to her
Teamed up with blonde-hating psycho lesbo Charlie by pretending to return Charlie's affections. Kidnapped Sheridan disguised as clowns. Threw her in pit, stole Sheridan's baby & passed it off as Beth's.
WE NEED MORE CRAZED HOMOS ON TV! Thanks to the commissars at GLAAD, who believe the sole purpose for entertainment is to 'provide good role models' (barf), the only acceptable roles for gays are as the Victim or the Best Friend. What a load of crap! Homos can be asshats & psychopaths too!
Performed hilarious Chicago-parody song number I Ain't Sorry (clip here) with accomplices Mrs. Wallace, Charlie the lesbo, & Precious the orangutan
Beth's proposal to Luis
Luis' proposal to Beth
Passions transcripts available here
Hilarious PETA petition: Help Get Precious Out of Passions!
Posted by Jeff at 08:01 AM | Comments (0)
December 02, 2004
LUCKY BITCH
Barbara Boxer is soon to be a best-selling 'author'. Her 'literary' agent hooked her up with SF novelist Mary Rose Hayes to 'collaborate' on a novel: "Boxer's provided characters, details & descriptions; the novelist has combined those elements into a story." In other words, Babs' contribution is - her name.
The 'plot' concerns "personal friendships & betrayal, political infighting & pragmatism" as a short liberal extremist takes on right-wing evildoers. This should be choice, as I actually met Mary Rose Hayes at a writing conference a few years back. She's an eccentric Brit who writes overwrought Gothic sudsers with titles like Amethyst, where all the characters have soap names:
"Catriona, Gwynneth & Jess are attending an English boarding school when Victoria Raven predicts their futures with the aid of her magical amethyst ring. During 2 decades, Catriona discovers that her husband is a homosexual in love with Victoria's manipulative bisexual brother, Tancredi; Gwynneth, who adores Tancredi, becomes a fashion model; artist Jess is romantically linked with an eminent Mexican surgeon; Victoria heads for the world's trouble spots as a journalist. In 1985, Tancredi summons them all to the Ravens' castle in Scotland for a fateful reunion."Clearly, a perfect choice to tell the Barbara Boxer story.
"Oh Babs," he breathed, "how how how does a loudmouth little extremist like you keep getting elected to the Senate?"
"Oh Manfred," she moaned, breast heaving in the crepuscular gloaming, "perhaps it's because my dirty campaigns make Karl Rove look like Reese Witherspoon! Or perhaps it's the wire coat-hanger I wear in my hair! Or perhaps it's because the California Republican Party has its head so far up its ass, it can check for polyps! Or perhaps it's just because I'm a - LUCKY BITCH!"
Posted by Jeff at 02:57 PM | Comments (1)