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October 07, 2004
THE LEAGUE OF MEAN GIRLS
So I heard my 15-year-old niece & her stone-bitch girlfriends giggling & going Hey Ace, Hey Wiz. "Are those your Sims names?" I asked. They looked at me like I was autistic. "NOBODY does Sims," they said, "those are our BLOGGER names." "Really?? I myself have a--" "Blogs," they explained,"are these utterly LAME websites that LOSERS put up like vanity license plates, & ramble as if anyone gives a rat's ass! SO - we started putting up blogs with fake names, & ranting, & people LOVED it!"
"But you don't know anything about politics," I said. "We just make shit up!" they screamed. "Your average blog-reader has the IQ of a bag of hair! Get this - they actually send us money!! See these shoes? THANK YOU PAYPAL! HA HA HA!" "But that's fraud--" I gasped. "Oh here," my niece rolled her eyes, pulling a wad of cash out of her murderous red-vinyl hobo bag, "go buy yourself some halfway decent clothes. HA HA HA!"
It took the better part of my paycheck, but I finally got my hands on that bloglist, & I'm blowing the lid off this scam:
| BLOGGER |
| IS REALLY MEAN GIRL |
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| "Bill" at INDC Journal |
|  .:Nicole:. Quote: "OMG, who IS Dan Rather??" Luvs: Avril Lavigne. Hates: Lame-ass whore-monkeys. IM: McBitch. Quote: "Gwen Stefani's boob job is HEINOUS"
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| "Ace of â™ " |
| Smirkly. Wears no underwear to school. BFF: Su-Z (see below). Luvs: Orlando Bloom. Hates: Sims, Neopets. IM: Escape_my_angry_pussy. Fave shirt: I DID HIM B4 DEMI. Quote: "WTF?" |
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| "Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler" |
| Morgan. Wears: Aeropostale. Loves: Attention. Hates: Bois prettier than her, people who don't need glasses wearing glasses. QUOTE: "F.L.O.T.Y." IM: If_u_have_a_vagina_press_3.
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| "Jeff" from Protein Wisdom |
| Zoe. Wears: Baby Phat. IM: Amoeba87. Luvs: Duct-tape purses, message boards, Jake Gyllenhaal. Can't stand: chatrooms. Quote: "Ponchos blow." |
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| "Daily Kos" |
| Gretchen. Goth-punk loser. IM: Death_is_Pretty. Banned from 27 message boards. Quote: "Eminem sucks ass". Luvs: Marilyn Manson. Hates: Francesca (see below) |
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| "Charles" from LGF |
| :::Francesca::: Spent $10,000 at A&F with Rathergate bonanza. Has hated Gretchen ever since the latter stuffed Francesca in locker in 7th grade; engaged in TTLB Battle of the Bitches for Glenn's armpit. Quote: "Gretchen is a barfing little ho-bag" |
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| "Wonkette" |
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Norma. Lactose intolerant. Invests 100% profits for med school. Ambition: proctologist. Luvs: The OC, Josh Hartnett. Can't stand: Lindsay Lohan, socks over shoes, fistulas. IM: Say_no_2_polyps. |
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| "Black5" |
| Rachel. BFF: Morgan. Wears: American Eagle. Luvs: 4H, emoticons. IM: Me_ofcourse. GPA: 2.6. T-shirt: "NO I don't eat meat, YES I get enough protein". Quote: "What Morgan said." |
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| "Andrew Sullivan" |
| Su-Z ;-)` Real Andrew Sullivan let domain lapse in 2003 & Su-Z snapped it up. Entertains herself by changing position on issues every day to infuriate people. Likes: Nelly. Can't stand: Prada shoes with knee socks. Quote: "Luvs it." |
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| "Frank J" at IMAO |
| Su-Z's punk-ass sister, Stephanie. Nickname: Monkeyface. Put up site in pathetic emulation of mean girls; got her ass kicked. Fine motor skills problems; possible Aspergers. IM: Dorkette. Duped Ann Coulter. Quote: "Remember Pokeman?" |
UPDATE: Add Michelle to that gallery of mean chicks. MEOW!
Posted by Jeff at October 7, 2004 11:00 AM
