August 12, 2004
I WAS AN ACCESSORY TO A SEX RING
So I ran into two leggy cupcakestrying to wrestle a couch up the torturous stairwell of our 100-year-old building. They were going about it in a particularly stupid way, so I offered to help, since otherwise they'd probably still be there and I'd have to use the fire escape every time I wanted a pack of cigarettes.
The couch was about 40 feet long but it was Ikea, so it only weighed about 14 pounds. It wasn't easy, but with my expert engineering skills, I managed to get it into her unit (no comment). I mentioned it to my neighbor, who said he'd run into her doing laundry - where she was doubtless bleaching her industrial-strength sheets - & she'd cheerfully announced she was a stripper.
I was alarmed, cuz I'd just seen on Ricki Lake that 99% of strippers were prostitutes. I already know from Howard Stern that 99% of prostitutes are lesbians, so u do the math. I certainly wouldn't have helped the skank move her couch if I'd known what she intended to do with it.
Altho if she's shopping at Ikea, she obviously hasn't clawed, schemed, or murdered her way up to Head Girl, unless she has an Ikea Econopass, & buys a new couch every month after the old one becomes unspeakably soiled.
She invited me to her housewarming, which should be a pleasant affair filled with pimps, ho's, crackheads, gangsters, wanton women, assorted vermin, & cheap Scandanavian furniture. Probably one of the tawdry trollops will be looking meaningfully at me because she's a Croatian sex slave who was smuggled into the country in a steamer trunk & wants me to help her escape a criminal gulag of Yakuza, Russian mafiosi, & vicious Filipina madams with razor blades in their pompadours. Shit.
Posted by Jeff at August 12, 2004 10:05 AM