July 03, 2004
FRENCH-CANADIAN ASSISTANCE
Disadvantaged French-Canadian Youth
Beautiful Atrocities would like to call your attention to the plight of French-Canadian youth. These miserable wretches are forced to grow up in the depressing wasteland of French Canada, where they don't even speak French, but something called Quebecois, which is to French as Uruk-Hai is to Orcish. They grow up watching lame French-Canadian TV, eating indigestible French-Canadian food, and listening to sappy French-Canadian music.
And speaking of Celine Dion, why doesn't she have any lips? With all her money, can't she afford some? Or is this strange lipless condition just another in the litany of afflictions caused by the extremely poor hygiene of the French-Canadians?
And what genius put a baseball team in Montreal? The place is almost empty, the vendors sell croissants instead of hot dogs, and the few dull-eyed lipless French-Canadian baseball fans chew mechanically while stupid French words flash on the screen. Maybe they think they're watching petanque.
That's why they moved half the Expo games to Puerto Rico. I have a better idea, move the whole goddamn city to Puerto Rico. That way you could visit Montreal and enjoy its beautiful architecture in pleasant weather instead of freezing rain , and without having to see or -- god forbid -- listen to a single French-Canadian.
Posted by Jeff at July 3, 2004 11:22 AM