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July 26, 2004

COMPLETE IDIOT'S GUIDE TO BUMPERSTICKERS

If you visit me in Oakland, you'll find that the Bay Area, in addition to having more Kucinich supporters per square foot than the Mother Jones editorial board, is also the world capital for bumperstickers. True, you won't see many stickers like the ones on my car [BUILD BOMBS, NOT SCHOOLS] or my old car [I BELIEVE YOU PAULA, KATHLEEN, MONICA, DOLLY, JUANITA, GENNIFER, HAVE-I-FORGOTTEN-ANYONE?]. The Bay Area is a lot like academe, where the only diversity is between the Far Left and the Doppler Shift Left.

On some cars, particularly older Volvos driven by lesbians, the entire back end is wallpapered in bumperstickers, ranging from the vintage [FREE NELSON MANDELA], the graphic [EAT PHISH], the eclectic [WICCANS FOR CHRIST], the kill-two-birds variety [KEEP YOUR NUKES OFF MY OVARIES], and the superannuated: END RACISM. [Ed. note - In fact, racism officially ended on May 19, 1988.]

My friend Bertha's precocious son used to peel the rainbow stickers off cars and reapply them to others, which probably led to amusing misunderstandings. To help you avoid faux pas in this sometimes confusing art form, here's a handy reference to the Complete Idiot's Guide to Bumperstickers.

FREE PALESTINE. People outraged that West Bank is run by Arafat & his platoon of Keystone killers and want it stopped.

FREE TIBET. People who want Bush to attack China, overthrow its government, and liberate Tibet. I supported the Iraq War, but I have reservations about this one. 

KILL CORPORATIONS. "I want to be unemployed"

WAR IS NOT THE ANSWER. PHD in military history.

LIAR/CROOK 2004. Sly reference to Kerry's infamous untruth about throwing away his Vietnam War medals, as well as Edwards' fleecing of America via trial lawyer obstetrics scam.

POWERFUL ARE FEMINISTS WHO UNITE. Feminists without syntax.

ANOTHER REPUBLICAN FOR KERRY. Intriguing if doubtful and probably mythical bumpersticker that has never been seen anywhere.

NO WAR ON _____ . All-purpose DIY bumpersticker for anti-everything crowd. Available in bulk.

REAL MEN DO LAUNDRY. Pussywhipped.

I BRAKE FOR BUTTERFLIES. "I'm an insufferable twit, slap some sense into me"

IS THE CLIMATE CHANGING OR IS IT JUST ME? Menopausal Berkeley BMW liberal matron, en route to Whole Foods for something her maid forgot.

NO ONE DIED WHEN CLINTON LIED. Good-natured jest at Clinton's amusing perjury, for which he was disbarred

U.S. OUT OF IRAQ. Iranian secret police. Avoid.



EX-REPUBLICAN: ASK ME WHY. David Brock's Spectra. Take evasive action.

GET YOUR RELIGION OUT OF MY GOVERNMENT. People upset with recent Michigan referendum allowing mosque to broadcast call to prayer 5X a day, since if Christian church pulled this, ACLU would be all over it like John Edwards on a cripple.

VOTE FOR ME AND YOU GET DICK. Gay driver, apparent reference to famous well-filled flight-suit photo op.

HE'S NOT A LIAR, HE'S JUST STUPID. Clinton hater.

I'M MOVING TO CANADA 2004. Barbra Streisand's Masarati. (We've heard this before.)

BUSH 2004 FOR PRESIDENT OF IRAQ. Joyful Iraqis expressing gratitude for release from bondage.

TEXAS DEMOCRAT. "I'm from Austin"

RAISE MY TAXES. A Leftist of the most unhinged & unpredictable variety. Let him pass & do not provoke.

KUCINICH 2004. See above.

KEEP YOUR ORANGE ALERTS TO YOURSELF. "There are no terrorists." Repeat over and over.

REELECT BARBARA LEE. When the vote is 420 to 1, you're either a genius or an idiot.

THE SEPT. 11 HIJACKERS ALSO PRAYED TO GOD. Makes astute point that we have as much to fear from the Unitarian down the street as from murderous jihadi psychopaths.

ABSTAIN FROM ABSTINENCE. Oh wait — that's me.

Posted by Jeff at July 26, 2004 07:30 PM

Comments

Posted by: desertmaggot at July 14, 2005 12:15 AM

Posted by: JT at July 14, 2005 09:53 AM