Ilona Mitrecey:
Horrid little pedophiliac pin-up scored #1 smash with
gob-smacking nut-shriveling Imagine-ripoff
Un Monde Parfait.
Where's Patsy Ramsey when we need her?
Sebasto:
Must-see horror: rancid, feathered, piss-yellow Barney-wannabe, aka French wog
in a chicken suit.
Fais le poule
reached #2. According to
whack-job conspiracy nutter Juliette Binoche, chicken is
appropriate symbol of French pride.
Holly Dolly:
Sick, scat-singing sexed-up donkey accompanied by dancing sheep, snowman, & other psychoses
(disturbing video
here) went to #4. Also covered pacifist anthem
Don't Worry Be
Happy.
Titou Le Lapinou:
Dancing homosexual rabbit went Top 10.
Video. Also has
dirty word rap.
Ozie Boo: 5
homosexual penguins: Ted, Ed, Ned, Nelly, & Fred. Pacifist propaganda:
Learn to Live
Together. "A place full of tenderness, humor & adventures especially
created for 2-7 year-olds & their families."
Official Ozie Boo
website.
Bebe Lilly.
Odious cartoon baby with 5 Top 10 hits. Current:
Les
Pirates. Also
Bebe Lilly Myspace.
Pinocchio:
Totally gay cartoon version of typical Frenchman whose only erections
are on his face. Scored 3 Top 40 hits in
one
week alone. Video:
T'es Pas Cap
(We Suck, We Know)
Gullia: Xenophobic, English-bashing cartoon hit
Oops! J'aime pas
l'anglais
Florabelle & the Mushroom Family:
Shit-eating diabetes-inducing mantis-eyed waif
with wimp anthem
Love is All, as
well as
Alphabet Rap (supplement to deficient French educational system).
Silly le petit phoque,
(Silly the f*cking little seal) nauseating baby Flipper singing hit song
Boum Boum.
Makes you long for an Eskimo with a cudgel.
Pigloo.
Androgen-deficient baby penguin hit Top 40 six times, including
#1 smash Le Papa
Pingoiun. Also castrates punk classic
Ca Plane Pour Moi
Cocorico:
Bumbling rooster whose cocorico (cock-a-doodle-doo) is symbol of
gonad-deficient French bluster, a "vainglorious cry of naive national pride".
Video.
See also Le Simpsons. Cross-posted at Agent Bedhead.]]>
US soldier grabs a break in Iraq. The novel is Cruel Winter, a horror thriller by Anthony Izzo. More military photography here. See also Memorial Day: What We Owe Our Soldiers]]>
In this groundbreaking cash cow, Madonna is once again on the cutting edge of last week, combining Catholic imagery with sex (!!), wearing real bondage gear, & fearlessly singing trite lyrics juxtaposed with images of starving waifs. Even some die-hard fans felt she'd gone too far.
"The lack of wit & imagination was shocking," one said. "Has she no shame??" Others shook their heads at the sight of the 50yo cow flinging her tired carcass around like a lap dancer. "She's crossed the line," a woman said. "With Madonna, the frisson of excitement has always been her genius for making the trite even more banal. But I never thought she'd turn into Mamie Van Doren!"
See also Sandra Bernhard interview with Mamie Van Doren]]>
Due to circumstances beyond our control, there is no Charlotte Church item today. Will Star Jones do? After all, she's an official AOL Love Coach.
]]>rugged individualists at ayn rand nude volleyball camp triumph over brute nature to prepare corn dogs
As slavish jargon-mumbling devotees of Ayn Rand, we know how difficult is the path of rugged individualism. We're sick of the WHO IS JOHN GALT'S DECORATOR T-shirts, we're tired of people comparing us to Trekkies & Scientolodroids, noting Rand's uncanny resemblance to Dracula, & pushing us down in parking lots.
At Ayn Rand Nude Volleyball Camp, our motto is: objectivism r fun! Here you'll socialize with other marginal, slack-butted misfits as well as pimple-scabbed teenagers using great big words. We'll also study the objectivist theory of volleyball, in which we use rubber spheres to represent balls, thus providing a perceptual framework for meaningless gibberish.
When we're not popping our cellulite on the courts, we'll be playing teleological tetherball, enjoying a fast-paced nude dodge ball tournament (ouch!), drinking Hawaiian Punch & reading the Queen of Fun's humorless, rigor mortis prose & prescription strength sermonizing.
Other events include the Atlas Shrugs doorstop toss & the Ayn Rand Costume Summertacular, in which we dress as our favorite two-dimensional Rand caricature, then pair off to have joyless sexual intercourse.
Located in the Hobo Jungle next to the Chrysler plant, that magnificent shrine to capitalist whatchamacallit.
See also the Atlasphere: the Online Dating Service for Ayn Rand Phreaks]]>
"It seems that there's always something, with each album, that calls attention to people. Sometimes it's the title of an album, sometimes it's the lyrics of some song. This time it's the belly-dancing."
And sometimes it's posing naked on your CD cover. Shakira is also branching out into genetics: "I've been belly-dancing since I was 4 years old. And nobody taught me how to do it. So it's something that's in my DNA, that I inherited."
Definitely. Just picture a kindergarten in Colombia about 20 years ago: "Dios mia, Shakira! Pull your dress down & get off that table this instant!"
See also Shakira's Bum; the Shakira-graph]]>
Bff's charlotte church & cheryl tweedy
The war between soft-spoken Welsh soprano Charlotte Church & ladylike singer Cheryl Tweedy of Girls Aloud (who was convicted of assaulting a toilet attendant in 2003) began last summer, when Tweedy accused Church of ripping off her group:
"Cheryl reckons Charlotte's album is a carbon copy of a lot of Girls Aloud material. She says Charlotte has no originality & reckons she is trying to copy the image that made them a chart success."
Charlotte hit back: "Girls Aloud wouldn't be able to sing Crazy Chick if they possibly tried. They just don't have the range, darling. And when they've sold as many records as me, then they can comment ... Maybe Cheryl is bitter."
Later: "Unlike Cheryl & the girls, I have co-written seven of my album tracks. I fail to find how that means I have copied their sound. I always admired & respected the girls but now, if they want to attack, I won't hit back. I mean, I haven't resorted to wearing short skirts & dating a footballer to get into the charts, now, have I?" (referring to Cheryl's bf Ashley Cole; in fact, Charlotte's bf Gavin Henson is also a football player)
As a diversion, Charlotte took time out to attack Russian pop tarts t.a.t.u.: "They just sound shit. And one of them's a minger as well, their single's awful."
In response, t.a.t.u.'s Katina threatened to kill Charlotte: "I will murder her. She should come to Moscow & I will shoot her in the head. No one has heard of her in my country - yet where she lives, everyone knows who we are. She must be very careful with her big mouth because bad things can happen to people."
Feeling left out, Cheryl jumped back in: "Charlotte's a nasty little piece of work with a fat head. Her publicity stunts slagging everyone off haven't worked. I don't know who her & her scabby boyfriend think they are. He's a posing idiot who looks like a girl. And she's not even gorgeous."
Charlotte responded by referring to Girls Aloud's latest single Biology: "I heard a rough demo & I did not think it was hit potential for me, it's ideal for the girls though."
Cheryl: "Poppycock. She has never heard it, she is just worried that we will land yet another number one when she has not had one yet." Later, Cheryl said she agreed with t.a.t.u. that Charlotte should be bumped off.
Perhaps feeling she'd gone too far, Cheryl then took the high road: "We actually really like Charlotte Church. She was saying some really nasty things & I'm not the kind of person who sits there & lets people slate us. So I said something back - which I probably shouldn't - about her boyfriend."
This truce lasted until Church's Walker's Crisps commercial, of which Cheryl said: "The one where she's stuffing her face? I think that's very appropriate!"
And most recently, Cheryl on running into Charlotte: "She didn’t say anything to me. I think she was frightened. She shouldn’t be so mouthy then, should she? If she’s going to be mouthy, back your mouth up & we’ll have a conversation face to face."
Your serve, Charlotte...
Video: Girls Aloud - Love Machine; Charlotte Church - Crazy Chick; t.a.t.u. - All About Us
See also Charlotte Church Bites Policeman; Charlotte Church vs Pink; Cheryl Tweedy vs Paris Hilton]]>
When you're so far ahead of the news cycle, you're in Bellevue...
UPDATE: Drudge ahead of the news cycle too; young women ahead of menstrual cycle]]>
Pet Shot Boys' Chris Lowe: "I prefer [ringtone] Crazy Frog."
Charlotte Church: "I don't like James Blunt. His song You're Beautiful is so annoying." (Later, forced to sit by him at an awards ceremony: "I'm sorry, his voice is so whiny.")
Stone Roses' Ian Brown: "The Brits [awards] are no different to an awards for coffee salesmen. James Blunt got awards because he sold more records."
Paul Weller: "I'd rather eat my own shit than duet with James Blunt."
The Darkness' Justin Hawkins: "Long live the dullards like James Blunt. There are some wretched, talentless fools among the current crop of stars, whose records ought to be melted down & used to build vinyl rafts, upon which they should be set adrift in shark-infested waters. Some of us like to get on with it instead of whining like ninnies."
Buzzcocks' Steve Diggle: "Pete Doherty is good in his way. At least he's not like James Blunt."
Pop Idol Will Young: compared fellow Brit Award nominees Blunt & Robbie Williams to "puffed-up gorillas, beating their chests & showing off how manly they are."
Gorillaz: "It's not all good news. We've had music from James Blunt - who needs valium?"
Blur's Graham Coxon: "There's no humor in his music & there doesn't seem to be much depth. It's the sort of thing you'd write on a card if you were sending flowers.
Mogwai's Barry Burns: "I have spewed blood down dirty toilets with more talent than him. Twat."
Kaiser Chiefs' Ricky Wilson: "I've talked to him & we had right good chat, but let's just say that I don't have any of his records."
Red Mojo: "From when Elvis came along to blow away Sinatra through to punk with the Sex Pistols & hopefully someone giving James Blunt a fucking kicking."
NME Awards - Worst Album of the Year: James Blunt's Back to Bedlam]]>