I'M JOYCE CAROL OATES & YOU'RE NOT

Uber-authoress Joyce Carol Oates in her transgressive one-woman show "Who Does That BITCH Think She Is?"

"How could this happen? I don't know a single person who voted for him!"
Film critic Pauline Kael, on Nixon's 1972 landslide

"Like virtually everyone I know, I'm voting for Kerry." Joyce Carol Oates,
who probably hasn't met anyone outside a prep school since Nixon was president

In Slate's Bush/Kerry roll call of American writers almost all declare for Kerry, & almost none mention Islamofascism. This explains why there's no literature of 9/11, the seminal event of our time. Jihad can't fit into the tiny worldview of Vietnam-era liberalism, blinkered by sentimental Rousseau & neo-Marxist canards (see Dissent: Can There Be a Decent Left?). These poseurs purport to chronicle their world, but their Richter Scale 9/11 silence gives them away: they're not writers, they're tourists.

Much of this is the poisonous influence of academe. London, Hemingway, Dumas, Dickens, Colette -- all had wildly different lives, but none were effete academics mincing towards tenure. American writers have committed suicide by interring themselves in the one place you can't speak your mind for fear of offending someone.

Take Joyce Carol Oates. Right now. Post 9/11, Oates - who likes to prattle about texts & being transgressive - announced her new novel would explore such blind hatred. Did she write about militant Islam? Of course not, she teaches at Princeton, she wouldn't DARE write about militant Islam. Her villains of choice in The Tattooed Girl are neo-Nazis, precisely because they're guaranteed to offend no one. Oates is a wimp.

The few novelists who support Bush in Slate's survey all cite Islamofascism as their chief concern. The Kerry supporters completely ignore the elephant in the headscarf, while breathlessly reciting DNC talking points & NoEffect.org conspiracy theories. Here they are, with idiot rankings:

Millionaire airhead Amy Tan: "I'm voting for Kerry because I have a brain & so does he." Hates tax cuts she made a killing on. No mention of Islamofascism.

George Saunders. Kerry. On Islamofascism: Complicated question for which Bush has simple answer - "Exterminate the brutes." [Frankly, when jihadi psychopaths are gunning for me, I prefer a simple .45 mm answer to discourse, however outre.]

Thomas Mallon: Supports Bush's "strong & measured,"response to 9/11. Notes Bush has extended "once-unimaginable degree of freedom to Afghanistan & Iraq." Compares to Reagan, also vilified by effete literati.

Dan Chaon: Anyone but Bush. "He's probably not the Antichrist but he's as close as I've seen." Hates tax cuts. No mention of Islamofascism.

Joyce Carol Oates. "Like virtually everyone I know, I'm voting for Kerry." To enumerate reasons "redundant & unnecessary". No mention of Islamofascism.

Orson Scott Card: Democrat for Bush. On Islamofascism: "Electing a president who is committed to losing seems the most foolish thing we could do."

Diane Johnson: Expat for Kerry. Claims sees events differently from Paris. Hilarious litany of why Euros hate us: "Guns, the auto, torture, & war." No mention of Islamofascism.

Jonathan Franzen: Claims supports Kerry. "He's the candidate whose defeat Osama bin Laden is praying for." On Theresa: "Hot, hot, hot!" Has to be satire.

Jane Smiley. Millionaire lunatic for Kerry. Repeats debunked conspiracy theories about voter disenfranchisement. "I consider a vote for Bush a vote for tyranny!" No mention of Islamofascism. [Isn't 'vote for tyranny' an oxymoron?]

Lorrie Moore: "Are there really any novelists voting for Bush?" No mention of Islamofascism.

Robert Ferrigno: Bush. "Most novelists live in their imagination, which is fine until the bad guys come knocking." On Islamofascism: Bush's approach to "stopping the people who want to kill my children is the right one: kill them first."

Jennifer Egan. Lunatic for Kerry. Bush's crimes: plunged us into war, wrecked the economy, widened the chasm between rich & poor, savaged the environment, tried to "mess with" our Constitution, "swatted away" [?] intl community. No mention of Islamofascism.

Roger Simon: Democrat for Bush. "We are in a war with Islamofascism & I don't trust Kerry to lead us for 1 minute." On Dems: "My party has been hijacked by a cult of know-nothing isolationism out of the 1930s." Simon is also a blogger.

Gary Shteyngart. Kerry. From sophisticated Europe, recites debunked conspiracy theories about intimidation of black voters, Swift Vets ("a team of cowards"). Wonders if "dark ages" are imminent in US. Notes Italians have elected their own "homegrown monster Berlusconi". [This is tragic, since Shteyngart is a great writer.]

Vendela Vida: Kerry. Promises to move to Canada if Bush wins. [Unlikely, as this would separate her from her one claim to fame: being Mrs. Dave Eggers. See hilarious gushing PR piece in Guardian, which calls them the Brad & Jenn of American lit.]

Nicole Krauss: Kerry. "If Bush is reelected, it may be the end of life as we know it."

UPDATE: DarkenWilde performs laser surgery on the Slate roster. On Oates: "I know they say Write what you know but your album is starting to skip, Joyce." On Vida's Canada threat: "Jesus, just give Bush a free campaign issue why don't you!" See also SF Gate: Authors Head to Ohio for Kerry, in which Andrew Sean Greer hopes to motivate young voters by repeating debunked conspiracy theories about the draft.

UPDATE: Now British writers are telling us who to vote for! Check out this wisdom from John Le Carre, Antonia Fraser, & Richard Dawkins! Priceless!

Also my story about jihad, Cities of Dust, due out in Barbaric Yawp this month. My most recent story, Angel Moreno, is just out in Caribbean Writer, & is surely the first story in a university journal to feature a cameo by Gabriel Garcia Marquez as Castro's lapdog.