September 27, 2007

IT'S A SMALL, SMALL, SMALL FRENCH HELL

French manhood, last seen running screaming for the border in 1940, may be extinct, at least based on the French Top 40. Uber-regulated xenophobic laws mandate 40% of radio songs must be in French. This  has spawned a bizarre cottage industry of massively popular state-subsidized nursery-school pop, sing-along ditties performed by toddlers featuring phreakish It's A Small World on acid cartoon videos with zoned-out ET-eyed waifs, rainbows, penguins, gumdrops, & shit-eating hebephrenic grins. The soothing wimp-factor can't-we-all-we-along lyrics surely constitute some from of mass hypnosis. Paris may be burning, but the French are too busy doing the penguin rap. Main players:

Ilona Mitrecey: Horrid little pedophiliac pin-up scored #1 smash with gob-smacking nut-shriveling Imagine-ripoff Un Monde Parfait. Where's Patsy Ramsey when we need her?

Sebasto: Must-see horror: rancid, feathered, piss-yellow Barney-wannabe, aka French wog in a chicken suit.  Fais le poule reached #2. According to whack-job conspiracy nutter Juliette Binoche, chicken is appropriate symbol of French pride.

Holly Dolly: Sick, scat-singing sexed-up donkey accompanied by dancing sheep, snowman, & other psychoses (disturbing video here) went to #4. Also covered pacifist anthem Don't Worry Be Happy.

Titou Le Lapinou: Dancing homosexual rabbit went Top 10. Video. Also has dirty word rap.

Ozie Boo: 5 homosexual penguins: Ted, Ed, Ned, Nelly, & Fred. Pacifist propaganda: Learn to Live Together. "A place full of tenderness, humor & adventures especially created for 2-7 year-olds & their families." Official Ozie Boo website.

Bebe Lilly. Odious cartoon baby with 5 Top 10 hits.  Current: Les Pirates. Also Bebe Lilly Myspace.

Pinocchio: Totally gay cartoon version of typical Frenchman whose only erections are on his face. Scored 3 Top 40 hits in one week alone. Video: T'es Pas Cap (We Suck, We Know)

Gullia: Xenophobic, English-bashing cartoon hit Oops! J'aime pas l'anglais

Florabelle & the Mushroom Family: Shit-eating diabetes-inducing mantis-eyed waif with wimp anthem Love is All, as well as Alphabet Rap (supplement to deficient French educational system).

Silly le petit phoque, (Silly the f*cking little seal) nauseating baby Flipper singing hit song Boum Boum. Makes you long for an Eskimo with a cudgel.

Pigloo. Androgen-deficient baby penguin hit Top 40 six times, including #1 smash Le Papa Pingoiun. Also castrates punk classic Ca Plane Pour Moi

Cocorico: Bumbling rooster whose cocorico (cock-a-doodle-doo) is symbol of gonad-deficient French bluster, a "vainglorious cry of naive national pride".  Video. 

See also Le Simpsons. Cross-posted at Agent Bedhead.

Posted by Jeff at 07:36 PM | Comments (1) | TrackBack (0)